Thanks for asking after me, Lan. I have my zen days and my not-so-zen days. Work is an exploding bomb at the moment, where if I add up all the stuff that different people think is included in my new assignment, then I'm working 150% of full time plus 5-6 different posts of "with the time you have left over." The only person who can actually answer what the hell I'm supposed to be doing is on vacation after today and he's pushing th "busy" button on his phone when I call him. I've decided that he can suit himself and that I will do the work that I've understood I should do and let the rest of it sit and rot until someone gives me a clear answer (and one that does NOT involve me being two people).

But the thing is, this kind of stress making my baby-panic so much more intense. I have a very strong habit of getting stressed over EVERYTHING when one thing seems to be going very wrong. And this one is even worse, because the stress about my job can be classed as "uncertainty about the future," and as soon as we enter that chamber, the waves of uncertainty over the baby come crashing in. I was in Stockholm with work the Wednesday and Thursday (and will be spending most of the next 7 weeks there if these people get their way!). Both days I wore a pad all day even though I'm not bleeding, because what if I started, up there in Stockholm without a change of jeans? I keep feeling little tiny pains, like being stuck with a pin or like the baby is pinching me from the inside, and I get scared. I ran to the bathroom once an hour feeling convinced that I was dripping blood, but not a single drop since the last incident last Friday. And then I think... How can they expect me to spend those three weeks in October in Stockholm when that'll be weeks 15-17 of my pregnancy, right when I'm going to be at my most panicky since that's when I lost Beiron? What happens if I miscarry up there, while DH is down here? What happens if I miscarry in Spain? Should I really book that advanced C++ course in November? On the train ride home I became so restless the closer we got to Link?ping that I'm suprised I didn't shout out "let me off this tin can!" The people sitting around me must have thougt I had lost it. I feel on the verge of tears all the time, and yet my discussion with one of the bosses about the fuzziness regarding my duties was really quite calm and sensible. He just doesn't know that inside I'm going "HOW CAN I STILL ONLY BE 9 WEEKS PREGNANT!"

So... no. It's not a very zen week for me.

Sorry. Venting was key. I can't stand the thought that I might lose this bubs, but it's all I can think about; more and more frequently the images surrounding how Beiron came out are just taking up all my mind space.