Well I just called the Gyno agian this morning, as she didn't return my call yesterday, and the PostMortem results for Jayvan are still "roughly" 2 weeks away.
Tildy, My mum bought me a mother child locket in honour of Jayvan for me, which I never take off! And I had always said when I had children I wanted their names as tattoos (Hi, my name is Teagan and I'm a tattooholic...) so DF sent me off to the Tattoo Palour as a christmas present. The day I got His name tattooed I felt much calmer knowing that Jayvan and my whole experience is forever imbedded into my skin and will always be a physical part of me as well.
Jo, What a gorgeous thing to hear about Madison dancing away with the fairies I don't think I could ever see a psychic, I'd be petrafied of the horrible things they could uncover and sometimes ignorance is bliss! But you're very brave for going in my books!
ETA: Ugh, I just went to visit my Naturopath. Who, in short has told me not to TTC again for another 2 cycles. She gave me some Multivitamins & fishoil which is meant to be excellent for baby development (I have heard that before, just didn't really how "excellent" til today!) and yeah. She also said ideally you should wait 6 months to get both your body & my partners body up to scratch and ready to "handle" a bubby. So, I'm so confused. I have a Dr who's telling me one thing and her who is telling me something else, and in the past she has given me more positive results and feedback with problems that I have gone to her with, but then my Dr's plan of attack see's me pregnant sooner...
Then I have family & friends telling me to stay calm and that it will happen eventually and not to panic and be greatful that I'm healthy and that I'll have a baby one day.
I need one of those magic eight balls right now!
Sorry for keep having my little selfish rants
Last edited by helle; January 22nd, 2009 at 01:07 PM.
Theresa, your story made me cry. How awful to be treated like that in such a fragile state. I too have met many "clinical" people in this field and I truly believe they should not be allowed to practice in this area. My old OB has his own midwife and when my membranes ruptured, she came up to the ward to see me and tried to convince me to induce labour right away as without fluid Sebastian would be born with deformed limbs, dead and dark in colour - basically described him to look like a little monster.
I chose not to induce labour and let nature take its course as there was a little chance the fluid would replenish - which you all know didn't happen, however she scared me so much that DH and I decided we didn't want that to be the last image of our son so we decided we would not see him. We just wanted to imagine how beautiful he was and not let that be the last image in our minds forever. So I basically refused to see or hold him after delivery as much as the nurse tried to give him to me. She was such a lovely nurse and kept trying to convince me to see him otherwise I might regret it etc... and after some time when I calmed down a little, I asked her how bad he looked so I could prepare myself and she said "why do you ask that, he is perfect". Well I was absolutely inconsolable after that and asked her to bring him to me immediately. And girls, he was perfect... not deformed, nor black, nor dead. He lived for 25 minutes and I didn't get the chance to see him alive. My MIL was with us during the birth and when I refused to take him she took him and held him and showed him so much love. Although I am very appreciative that she was there and was holding Sebastian when he passed, I am also VERY upset that she didn't tell me he was alive. As for me, I will never EVER forgive myself for not holding my son while he was still breathing and needed a kiss and hug from his mum. I am a terrible mother and to be honest, this is the first time I have shared this story with anyone. The guilt and sorrow is so deep and so embedded in my heart that I am haunted by what I did (or didn't do actually) every day.
On a more positive note, Theresa a small dot is wonderful and the start of a beautiful baby growing inside of you.
Teagz, thanks for sharing your story too and I am sorry they are taking so long to get Jayvan's results back but it seems these things do take some time. I hope you get the answers you seek soon. Tough decision on when to start TTC. Maybe double check with your OB and do what you feel is right for you.
Tildy, YAY on the big baby! You are getting so close to meeting little kebab.
It is such a shame that we only get special treatment once they hear about our tragic losses. My old OB, not that I EVER EVER want to see him again, said "I promise to take good care of you next time" So you are admitting you didn't take good care of me this time? I just gave him one of my excellent death stares and not another word was spoken.
Jo, the physic reading was interesting and it must be a nice thought that Madison is dancing around in fairy land. Now don't obsess with the death card, there were quite a few positives that came out of that reading and that's what we will focus on! I have heard that the death card is actually a good thing. It means a door is closing on a past experience/situation and a new beginning is approaching - in a good sense. Don't quote me though, that is what a few have said to me in the past when I got this card in a reading.
I am going away on Sunday, so Paula and Megan I need to hear your results before I fly out, otherwise I won't be able to check up on you until Thursday.
Paula, I hope you spend the whole weekend celebrating with your friend over a nice cold glass of milk!
Megan, BFP vibes!
Laney, I hope you are still smiling !
Beata, hope you are doing better today and you are pooing well - only in here can we talk about these things
Went for my first acupuncture treatment last night. It's not too bad at all, hardly felt the needles going in and it was quite relaxing. She said that she has also treated quite a few women with a weak cervix with acupuncture and a herbal pill that helps lift the sac away from the cervical opening. Sounds a bit strange but she said it has worked and doctors have actually commented on the difference in some of her patients. Hmmm interesting...
HI to all and big big hugs.
Last edited by dd0207; January 22nd, 2009 at 01:15 PM.
Dd, yep some MW are horrible. I cannot believe that she told you that, though.
Jayvan had been dead inside me for 2-3 weeks and although he was dark and a little swollen he was perfect still. I was completely fascinated at his nose, he had the most perfect little button nose, to me he looked exactly like a baby should look he, just needed to grow a little more. I'm so sorry that you have to carry that regret, and I don't know what to tell you that can ease it. Although you are far from a terrible mother, it's obvious that you loved your little boy to the moon and back!
OH Diana you are a wonderful mother! Don't ever doubt that, you tried everything you could to give Sebastian any hope of surviving. It is that dreadful, dreadful MW that is a terrible professional, it is so hard to know what to do, I did hold Cooper after he was born and after surgery ( I had retained placenta) he lived for about 15min. After that we refused to see him again when the MW's asked and I regret that. You don't have a parallel world to step into for a moment and think it through, it is just all raw emotion at the time. Please try not to be too hard on your self, you ARE Sebastian's very much loved mum, and he knows that wherever he is.
Theresa and Teagz thank you for sharing your stories, I almost feel like 'I can't imagine what youv'e been through', but sadly at the same time I do remember my pain, I have to try and stop crying now, you are all very brave for sharing your journeys to motherhood. I think we all need a .
We are going away for the weekend and I am slightly terrified as I will be about 4 hours away from the hospital, and it really does freak me out. I am not sure how I let DH talk me into it, but I am trying my hardest to be positive!
You ladies are all WONDERFUL mothers, I just hope to God that none of you suffer anymore heartache.
Sorry I have been posting infrequently lately, but it actually hurts to sit down for long periods of time now that I'm off the super strong meds.
Tildy, yes, can you believe 1 kg ? When I was weighing myself lately, I didn't take off that much ! I do believe in creating positive images in my head too, I often thought of the fibroid being dead and shrinking and that's exactly what happened. When I go for my transfer hopefully in May/June, I will imagine the little embie sticking, and that I'm actually pregnant so hopefully I will be ! Woo hoo to a big baby ! Sounds like he's loving it in there. I think it's a boy.
Theresa, it's so sad you've had all these terrible delays and stuff ups when your heart was breaking about not being able to take home your little boy. Fortunately, the people at my hospital were lovely, and the midwife was excellent and everything went as smoothly as possible on the day. Mind you, I can't recall the whole day now as I was just in shock.
On the positive side, I hope all goes well with you next scan :-)
Jo76, I think that was a lovely reading. She can see you with a baby in your arms and that's the best gift she could have given you. I think the death card can also translate to a new begining or a birth to something new, so I'd say it's a positive card.
Teagz, just go with your gut feeling, that always works for me. I'd do what the naturopath says ( at least you dont have a loud clock ticking away at you ! )so don't try too hard on TTC for the next couple of cycles and see what happens. Just follow the rule of doing the deed on regular basis, more so from day 10 to day 16 days of your cycle and you will have a good chance to conceive again.
Oh Diana, I would have killed that stupid midwife !! She shouldn't have given you such negative images of your baby. And after all that, he was born so perfect ! I wish so much that Joshua lived even for a few minutes, the journey for him down the birth canal was just too much. He was born an angel, but oh boy, he was so beautiful and perfect. He had the cutest button nose and little cupid lips and his fingers and toes were so tiny and so so perfect. I couldn't stop looking at him. When the midwife initially asked us if we wanted to hold him straight away, or to wait until she dressed him, my DF was so worried that he would come out deformed or something, so I asked her to bring him to me after he was dressed. Well, after he came out, I had this overwhelming need to hold him, that I asked her to put him on my belly, and I was so happy to be holding him. I was wishing for him to take even a single breath so I could tell him how much I loved him, but he never did. I cuddled him for a few minutes, but I was too scared to touch him too much as he was so tiny, as if I would break him. He weighed only 350 grams.
Please don't beat yourself up about not wanting to see Sebastian straight away. You have cuddled him, and loved him and he would have felt that. He will always feel your love, always. In his heart, your're his beautiful mummy and he will always love you and be with you forever. Big hugs hunni xxx
Big hello to the other lovelies, I will post some more personals tomorrow.
Not looking forward to the staples coming out tomorrow, my OB said it won't hurt, but I've heard this before so I don't trust him ! LOL
Diana, you are absolutely NOT a bad mother. You just went through one of the most traumatic things any women could go through and were distressed about seeing your baby in a way that you didn't want to hold a memory of. I can relate to that. While Jasmine was 19-weeks, she was 1.5 - 2 wks underdeveloped so I was really concerned about what she would look like and didn't want that memory either. I was very lucky to have a mother that could give me good advise to see her regardless as she had lost 2 babies, one at 38 wks and one at about 22 wks and in those days that weren't allowed to see the baby at all, which is something that really effected her. Jass was very small and very red, she didn't really look like a 'normal baby' as she was so underdeveloped and not growing correctly, but she was my precious one. I didn't hold her for very long though and that is something that I do regret. I think when you go through something like that your in a completely different emotional realm and really can't think properly, that's where you expect good advise from medical staff like midwifes and you were let down badly, and I am so sorry for that hun, but please forgive yourself your a very special lady!
Theresa & Teagz, thank you for sharing your stories, they made my heartbreak. I just can't understand how things like that happen in this day and age.
Jo, I'm not really into psychics myself, but that 'twin' thing, about the boy not making it really disturbed me, maybe I read it wrong, but I didn't like that at all. Nice about your beautiful fairy girl though.
Paula, in case I don't get to post before you test, BEST of LUCK hun I am so hoping for a BFP for you and if I get one as well our little chicks will almost have the same EDD I'm guessing
i am having another feel sorry for myself day today. But have just told DS that we will go to the park and have fish and chips for lunch. Then we may have a cold rock ice cream - yum!!!
Laney - i'm gonna send you an email...
diana - Please listen to us all -YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!! When Jack and Madison were born i was so caught up in the emotions of having given birth to them and knowing they could'nt come home with me that i could'nt see them until the next morning. I have felt guilt at waiting that long but i still held them and had that time with them regardless and i cherish that time i had. Our emotions are so raw that i am surprised that any of us can make a decision at that time about anything after experiencing what we do. Sending you hugs! I really don't want you to feel that way...all our angels would know how much they were and still are loved!
berry - i understand your feelings, and i think it may have been a reason why i felt a little deflated, but she only said that it may be a possibility going by her "flash"and as
beata and DD' said it can mean other things depending on what cards surround it and that was what she was saying to me in the reading. it is her policy not to say anything bad like that but i have seen her 2x a year now for 2 years so i'm not sure if that is why she did.
DD' - i love reading about acupuncture and was glad to read it does'nt hurt. Since losing madison i have wanted to do it so much as i have heard so much about the benefits but have been too nervous. And i'm not even afraid of needles...go figure!!
Paula -my fingers and toes are crossed for you tomorrow! Hope you have a great time with your friend also!!!
teagz - i hope your results come in sooner than 2 weeks!!! x
hope the rest of you are ok!
take care girls!!! xx
Hey Girls, its pre POAS day for me today and look how well behaved my temp is being
My BB's exploded today as well and the nausea has been getting a bit stronger. I hope I do get a BFP otherwise there is something seriously wrong with me this month!
Its interesting to hear everyone's stories about holding their bubs after birth etc. I was so terrified to see Charlie. When they bought her in I didn't know what to do, I held her and looked at her for a few moments and then went to give her back to the midwife as I wasn't sure how long I was supposed to have her and I was, at that point, completely freaked out by the entire experience and of course in massive shock.
It was actually DH who looked at me like I was on drugs (which I think I was at the time) and said what are you doing, lets keep her here with us for awhile. The the Dr and midwife left and we stayed with her for awhile, to be honest I can't remember how long it was. Maybe an hour or perhaps a little less.
Over the next few days we went from not wanting a service or anything to planning something quite special. I remember being upset with the Dr for not giving me all the SANDS info etc before we went into the hospital because I could have read it and had time to plan more. In hindsight though I think they give it to you after the birth because you have other stuff to deal with between finding out and the actual birth. In the end I was really comfortable with what we did although you always think of things that you would have like to have done. No different to any other event that you plan I guess.
I'm sure most of you have seen this poem, but for those who haven't I just love it and thought it would be nice to share. We had it read at Charlie's funeral...
These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints,
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the winds,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found in Mummy's heart,
Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never be truly apart.
I had a shocking night's sleep last night. I nearly came down to the computer to post at 3am. I was thinking how much I miss Lan around. Getting a BFP won't be the same without her here. I remember I was so jealous of Lan and Jo76 who were due to start ttc at the same time as me, when all my thyroid/progesterone troubles started and I knew we were going to have to wait. I'm glad Megan you are POAS same day, have you had any symptoms or anything, have you got a vibe. Are you POAS tomorrow morning or on Sunday. I don't think I can wait till Sunday.
Plus, I have decided that if I get a BFP tomorrow I am going to the shops with my GF and buying a baby outfit. This baby is coming home with me and thats that!
Sorry for no real personals but I have been reading here and there at work to keep up to date. Will have more time next week.
See you all in the morning with my news, you'll be the third to know after DH, GF!!
Megan, sending you big hugs hun . I am so glad your mum gave you such good advice to see your little girl, as if you didn't, you might have really regretted it later. No matter what our babies looked like, they were our precious babies, and we love them no matter what. I also think they are beautiful no matter what. There is always going to be something we would have done differently, but isn't that true for a lot of things after we've done them ? I'm so glad you got to hold your precious little girl. I held Joshua for a few minutes but I also wish I could have held him for a lot longer. I also regret not having him with us in the room overnight, but it's too late now and I can't change things. I'm just so glad I held him and cuddled him and gave him heaps of kisses. He will always will be my precious little angel.
PS Good luck for you test hun, hope it's a BFP ! Bring it on !!!!
Jo76, I'm so sorry that your're feeling so bad ATM, big hugs hunni. We all get those days, hey ? When I feel like that, I try and think of other people so much worse off than me and I feel better straight away. But remember, it's OK to feel like that sometimes, you are human like the rest of us ! BTW, I have tried accupuncture, and it really doesn't hurt. I don't mind needles, abut I also don't like them that much LOL, but they are so fine you don't even feel them going in. I just had my 19 staples taken out this mornig and I was literally ****ting myself, but it didn't hurt at all. It's official, I am a big wuss.
Paula, I'm so excited for you for tomorrow ! I bet you won't sleep a wink tonite. Great signs so far ! Please, please BFP for you for tomorrow !!
Hi Diana hun, had the staples taken out this morning, wasn't as bad as I thought..you must be looking forward to the Gold Coast now, I love the place ! When do you leave ?
Gotta finish here girls, tummy is telling me to go fo a lie down. Big hugs and kisses to all my beautiful friends xxx
PS Thank you girls for sharing your stories about your beautiful precious little babies. My heart goes out to you you are all very special girls xx
Hi girls. Popping by again and I have just read Diana's story and have been reduced to tears. Please know that Sebastian knows you love him and please don't feel guilty. I know that is easy to say but hard to practise but you must know your boy is happy and he wants you to be as well. You give him kisses and cuddles whenever you think of him or shed a tear.
You have all been through so much pain and grief - I pray you all get your much longed for BFPs soon and a beautiful baby to hold 9 months later.
Hi Katie,
I love your post, you are such a sweet girl.
I've heard this phrase the other day which I just wanted to share with you all, as it brought tears to my eyes. It said, 'You are at your best, when you are at your worst'. It's just so true for anyone who has gone through a loss. We are all very strong people, to have survived what we have survivied. It makes us not only strong, but resilient women, we can achieve anything.
I have been lurking and not really posting much, but I wanted to say thank you girls for sharing your stories. I have shed so many tears reading your stories. Though I have had recurrent miscarriages, I have never had to ensure a late loss. You ladies are very strong and your angels know how much they are loved and are so proud of their mums and dads.
Megan - I still have my fingers crossed for you. I also got pulling early in pregnancy, so hopefully this is the reason.
Beata - Hope you are feeling better - 1kg that is huge!!!. Given a couple months break, I look forward to sharing your IVF and look forward to that BFP soon.
Katiegirl - Good to hear from you. Hope things are going well.
Jo76 - Sorry you got mixed emotions at the psychic. The course sounds interesting though - anything in mind???? Though it was positive with the pregnancy card.
Tildy - Yeah for a big bubs!!! It is such fantastic news. My Ob is saying that I will not have any more u/s, unless he thinks there is a problem. Man I am stressing about that!!!
Teagz - hopefully not now until you get Jayvans results, it must be so frustrating. Though congrats to you and DH on making a decision regarding TTC, it feels great to have a plan.
Theresa - How are you feeling??? Not long until the scan on 6/2. I will have my fingers crossed for you.
dd0207 - I found acupuncture very relaxing as well. You kind of feel enlightened when you leave. I hope this helps for you.
Berry - Glad blood tests came back positive, but sad you have to also wait so long for your results of your angel.
Oh Lan, it's so good to hear from you hun ! I almost missed you post if it wasn't for Sue! I totally understand you wanting a break, but please know that we all miss you heaps and remember we're always here for you. Even if you just want to vent, anything !
Have a nice long weekend hun, hopefully I'll chat to you soon. Go the Dragons !!!!!
Huge bear hugs and love always
Beata xoxo
I don't think I could ever see a psychic, I'd be petrafied of the horrible things they could uncover and sometimes ignorance is bliss! But you're very brave for going in my books!
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