Dory, sweet friend. You do indeed have a very special friend but nothing less than you deserve. I am sure you are so important to her too. Being allowed and safe to feel raw and true one moment and strong the next is such a gift. It is bitter sweet, beautiful and hurtful. You also deserve this happiness of a living child as much as your beautiful angels have also given you joy. I feel for you gorgeous friend but also admire her strength.
It is funny how each of our journey's go. I don't now how and i try not to question this but somehow things are as they are supposed to be. i often joke that i wish I had been soley focused on my career and decided to have children later. So much anguish and heartbreak, fights and tears would have been saved. I wish I had of known how things would work out...to save a part of myself. I greive a lot over that, a life less lived- i feel sometimes. Not many people let me say that without judgement. I am just not in a good place right now. I would not change things it think- although for the first time in my life of 'no regrets' I have a few...just every now and then..a glimpse. I am sure this will change over time and I will be able to be more forgiving. Other times...would not have changed a thing. i guess it depends where you are at. I think I am just really sad and sorry for myself at this point in my life, a little bitter. I am trying to get through that. You ladies help tremendously. I am trying to move it on with the idea that this should not take up years of my life, but it is taking time. Family often make me feel as though I am struggling and shouldn't be, and should be in a better place than i am...and maybe i should be, but I am doing what I can for now and I am at peace with that. I hate the word 'should'. I think they just don't want to see our pain anymore. They are tired of handling it. Somedays i think they get a glimpse that is a forever deal.
Dory, you are such a dear friend. I don't feel for a moment that you don't get me..you certianly do. Sure our stories differ a little, but i feel understood when I read your posts. I am so greatful for your generosity and support.
I feel pretty broken about now, waiting. I have lost hope. That is a lie, I have hope. But I feel like i shoudn't. With the tick of the clock the scales tip further one side than the other. I just need to know, one way or another. I don't want the pain. CD28 and waiting. I am so so scared. Hmm tears are coming. i better go.

I can not thank you enough fro your recognition and love. Thank you to all of you.

Dory- Sweety I am thinking of you in these coming months. I have your angels' birthdays in my diary but not their EDDs. My DD was supposed to be due around the 10/11 or July. I just can't believe it is coming around. The friends baby that was born as planned around her date is celebrating her 1st birthday. I am so jealous of them and so sad that out little girl is not trying to walk and eating pink icing (coloured with beetroot powder of course) with marshmellow and smartie flowers. I can only imagine what you must be feeling too. A pull between your children exists whether they are on this earth or not. I truely believe that. I find it equally important to spend time thinking about her and thinking about making another baby, spending time with my husband. I certainly know when i haven't spread myself around as I would have liked. I have this pull on my heart if DD or I feel like she has been neglected.
I am not thinking about her date just yet, trying not to.

Sorry to be so gloomy everyone. Well i hope it makes you all feel normal to read my sad thoughts. xoxo