Grrr...lost a big post yesterday when my internet connection dropped out....don't you hate that.
Gigi - happy belated birthday sweetie! Hope you had a lovely day and were spoilt by those you love. May this next year bring you only good things!!
ChrisW - so pleased to here your surgery went well. It must be a relief - it always is just coming round from the anaestitic lol....hope those meds don't make you too loopy.
Powelly - take care of yourself sweetie and we will be here for you when you decide to TTC again or if you need a vent for whatever reason. I completely understand the age gap thing (sigh) but like you I am learning to let go of those things I can't control.
Kate - what a lovely poem. It did make me cry but just because it resonated with me so much. Welcome to this forum but as with the other newbies hopefully your stay is short.
Crumpet - wow look at that ticker! Hope you are doing well!
Dory - love looking at your ticker too sweetie in the preg thread!! Not long now!
Has anyone heard from CharlieB or Cmeggles. Would love to hear how they are going.
AFM - crazy cycle again. Almost certain I O'd on CD6! Think I am responding too well to AP as seem to O a day or too after treatment. Managed to get one BD in between AF and O so still in the running this month but worried lining won't be thick enough if anything did happen anyway. At least it is the weekend now so having DH around will take my mind off the TWW (who am I kidding!) but I expect to get a little crazy (or should I say crazier) this next week.
WOW, Thank you so much everyone. I had a lovely day. Glad last night is over...love a good party- when it is for someone else. Not that great with crowds these days...a few too many pressures for the old girl. Went well though and good to see everyone. xoxo
Chris- so glad it went well hun. Onwards and upwards...I hear you and totally agree. Rest up hun and will be here waiting to cheer you on.
Powelly- You are welcome hun. Hope you are feeling ok today. It is a rough period. Don;t know if it is your thing hun, but have you read the book SPirit Babies by Walter...M..something. It is wonderful and there are some lovely stories to help reason with these things. Might help with healing. Not everyones cup of tea though. Of course there will be even more questions than before. Sad but true, I hope you find your own answers for them. Even if you have to make a few up. xoxo
Dory- Yep I am a swinger! Today is a good day. I feel the height of my week is over. Got a bit of a little anxiety attack last night with everyone here. I wasn't prepared for a moment of it at all. My brother and mother took my N1 up to put him to sleep. I was completely fine that they use our bed. N2 and N3 were in the spare room and he always sleeps in our bed. Then i suddenly realised that DD's ashes were under my pillow (as they are always) and they were pullng the bed apart. I think I just about flip out of my body. I was out of my comfort zone and felt like our space, and DDs space had been trampled on. Mu was going through our bed side table baskets under the bed to find him a book... Oh dear I felt a little out of control of the situation. ANyway....it all calmed down and I don't know what they thought. I don;t care what they thoguht to be honest, but last night I was not prepared and didn't know what to think at the time. I just went into anxious mode.
All went well.
I also got some wonderful pressies, which weren't meant to but did. I got the game Cranium....AWESOME! AND I got a remote control button for my camera! So spoilt.
Love to all
Thanks Beata, Dory, Crumpet, Chris, Powelly for your lovely words. Yep...here comes a year of good things. Bring it on!
Thank Suzzzz. I have the same wish for you too hun. xoxo TWW, Now, lets see. I wish for you this next week to go slowly for your little womb to catch up a bit to the process underway....then I want Fast fast fast....You hear me Ms Universe! Bring our Suzie a bubba now! Boy or girl is ok...just bring it on.
Suz - positive vibes my sweet... all coming your way.... thanks for checking up on me too. It absolutely blows my mind that those numbers apply to me.
Gigi - I hear you so much. I can feel your emotions about having something very personal invaded. Don't worry about what they thought.... you were just being protective of your DD. People who love you will accept that.
Powelly - still thinking of you.
Chris - good to hear that things went so well and that so far two of your care providers are going to work in collaboration with each other. Yeah. Hope those pain meds are still working and you are recovering well.
Kateo and Ms tess - how are you doing?
AFM had my great nieces christening on sunday. it was nice. but I was struck by an unexpected wave of tears. just glad I was on my way back from the loo at the time. So I remembered and rejoiced the infinite beauty of my angels, had some quiet me time and then on with the show... I was a godmother after all. I suppose I didn't want to spoil it for my nephew and his partner by making it about me, when it was about their little daughter. It was weird being with all those peopl but good to see my Mum, Step dad and Brother... guess I am a bit like Gigi? And I am out of practice, what with being at home mostly on my own with the kitties. Oh excitement plus - only 3 more sleeps til my fur baby comes home from his 3 week sojourn at the vets. I am sooooo excited. I hope he doesn't resent me too much and give me the cold shoulder when he comes home..... but not to worry I will work him into kitty kat contentment! (ie food and cuddles)
Dory, you did a magical job hun at having a moment and letting the show go on. I tried to explain to my SIL today that dealing with infertility can be likened to having a disability in a way. You have to manage it, learn to live with it, consider it everytime you go out and about. Losing a child certainly exacerbates it 10 fold. People forget it is something we live with for the rest of our lives, not just an experience that happened a while back. I think that is why people sometimes think we 'hold on' to the pain and sadness...No, we live with it, it follows us, it is not for attention, or self pity. It is something we learn to manage. I was saying my SIL...I have had to find my trust in life again. I think I am pretty close to it now. I am learning to trust the universe again...but there will be hell to pay if my faith is taken for granted again.xoxo
AFM- Well it has been an interesting couple of days. I have written it in my blog so I will be brief here. Had a bit of a spin out....OVcaught me un awares on CD9. VERY early for me and I found myself having similar thoughts to Suz...but my lining needs more time!
I have no idea what was happening. I have had no Ov pain as per usual. CM was watery and not much of it But cervix was well and truely open with EWCM in small quantitiy...so What the hell.... we dtd etc and again for good measure and cause it was so much fun the first time...and I went mad trying to work it all out. Had a great night actually besides the analysing!
So... the line on the OPK was so dark, as dark as the indicator line...I just don;t know when it started being so dark. I only started testing that day-CD9. Anyway, what will be will be. I kind of feel good about it all, sychronicity and all. We felt like getting up to mischeif which is always a good sign.
Tomorrow, gardening if weather allows. DH is off and then we get to play Cranium over at my SIL and bros house. Should be a fun night and a good distraction. xoxoxo Fingers are crossed.
Can I ask a quicky? Do you have to wait for a period after m/c to ttc? The doc said to wait for one cycle but I have heard differing opinions. I'm thinking I'll wait but what are your thoughts/experiences?
Powelly, Hun i have heard both sides of the fence. One saying it is good to let your mind and womb heal and a cycle come back into synch ...and the other that essentailly supports that if you are not ready for pregnancy, you won't fall pregnant. I think you should follow your gut on this one....My opinion love.
BEst wishes hm xoxo
Thanks Gigi! What would I do without you :-) My heart is saying wait, to have correct LMP etc. I think I'll enjoy a few wines in the next couple of weeks and then start a big TTC health kick! Gotta be positive don't we.
Sounds like you may have got the right time. Fingers crossed for you! I love when things happen out of the blue. I always think things happen for a reason. Good luck.
Hi to all. Sorry I haven't done personals. I'm thinking of you all, hoping the pregnant ladies are well and keeping sane and the TTC'ers are going to get a BFP this month! We'll be rejoining end August/early Sep!
Powelly - my obs gave the go ahead to try straight away after Amelia and she was born a few weeks gestation after your beloved son. Basically, I was healthy and emotionally ready to try. Guess DH had to be too. LOL. After Nicholas and Sophie my obs recommended waiting, but we knew we both needed to wait - for both emotional and physical healing and also to give us the chance to do some more investigations as to possible causes.
If you are ready to try again, and no physical reasons not to delay, then get on the TTC rollercoaster.
Gigi - you are so profound and so spot on. With both infertility and the death of a child, the sadness and pain remain life long. You don't get over it, just some days it's more at the front of your consciousness than other days, but it's never far away and the love and pain are always in our hearts. I am sorry that O caught you unawares...... hope you got to do some gardening. Could you send me some of your green thumb? I am hopeless. I like to mow the lawn, and smell the muraya flowers but that's the extent of it for me.
Dory, LOL...my green thumb. You would laugh. I sound so green don't I. Truth is, it is all intention. I try my best and with each project i hope it lasts longer than the last. This time I am trying to set up our courtyard...Will type later on that once I have got a few things done. But hun. I very much rely on my loving husband to pick up where I fail. He waters more often than I do. Sad really, cause i want to be better at it. I think I get bored. I do crave the garden and blossoms, green and calm it brings often. We are not all that different. lol xoxo Will be back later.
Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I have been off sick all week with a virus which started as a fever on Monday morning just after I got to work. I went home and DH rushed me to the Dr's. It was horrible, I couldn't get warm even with layers of clothes and the heating in the car on maximum! It left a few hours later but I have spent most of the week feeling very washed out and tired and headachey. Yuck.
I have tried to catch up with everybody's posts but my head is still a bit fuzzy so I will attempt a few quick ones... Gigi happy belated birthday, Chris great news on the surgery, Suz FX for you for this cycle, Dory you are sounding well... to everyone else.
AFM, we have decided not to do another IVF cycle with my eggs. My head, heart and gut are all telling me the same thing... that it is going backwards... so we are investigating doing an ED cycle hopefully before the end of the year. That is where we are devoting our energies now, and I have been in touch with some wonderful ladies who have been in very similar circumstances to us who now have beautiful babies or who are pg, so we see this as our path to our dream. It is not where we expected to be 12 months ago, but then I guess none of us would choose any of this heartache and grief if we were given the option. I saw some posts on YouTube from a lady who has been through two ED cycles, and something she said really resonated with me. We are already mothers... we are just waiting for our baby's spirit to come to us in a physical form whether it be through IVF, ED, adoption or foster care. I know some may not agree with this, but for me that really summed up how I feel.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand if some here don't agree with the whole donor thing, and therefore, I will be respectful of everyone's wishes if you do not want me to continue to post in here. If you don't want me to post, just PM me and I will respect that. It is controversial, but we are trying to be as thoughtful and considerate about the whole process as possible, particularly how the donor is treated and then what contact our child may have/request from the donor in the future. I have done lots of reading and spoken to people on both sides on another site, and have found that are occasionally some stories of regret from donors, but on the whole they feel that donating was a wonderful opportunity to help others.
Thanks again all and I wish lots of and BFPs for everyone very soon.
oxo
Chez - hiya..... thanks for the special mention! I have to say the concept of already being a mother, but waiting for the spiritual form of our child/children to come to us in a physical form, resonates with me too, even though our journey's are so different.
Personally I have absolutely no objection to you posting in here - regardless of what form of TTC you feel is best for you. For me this is not a place to judge how each of us tries to achieve our dreams, but is rather a place of support and sometimes the opportunity to expand our belief systems. But the fact that you've thought about it speaks volume of the beautiful and thoughtful person you are.
OH hun, I couldn't agree with you more. Yes we are already mothers. My chiro has always pointed that out to me. Each and every month we nurture and prepare. i have often said that I sometimes feel like I have had so many kids...nothing else can explain the pure exhaustion we often feel.
I think you should stay here. I have no idea why you wouldn't. I don't understand what is wrong with choosing the ED route. Please ignore my ignorance. I don't get what the problem might be. This is your choice and making this decision might be the perfect next step for you.
I also think this is fab hun and very exciting. You go girl. Sometimes we don't get to pick how our children come to us. I believe we are the strong women chosen to have our angels. I also think that your next baby may choose a different route to the last. It is more complicated than most understand. Whatever happens...it will be perfect hun. I have such faith in you. You will do what ever is right when you follow your heart, head and gut hun. xoxooxoxox
CD16 and hanging in there...approx 7-8DPO. I have a very good feeling. I woke up this morning and I was semi awake. A voice said to me...(I know...I am hearing things) Are you taking your folic acid? As soon as i tried to focus on what was said and who said it...it disappeared. You know when you wake up and you are holding onto a dream, a feeling, a sense and the more you think about it or try to hold on to it...It drifts further from your mind. It was like that. I got up and took my multi.
I believe DD was with me today. A stone plaque caught my eye of a child with wings- fairy not cupid, and a mother. It was beautiful even though I am not normally into plaques. It looked like me and DD. Her tippy toed on my outstretched hand, flying with her little wings. Me standing below her with my feet on the ground, and she is placing flowers on my hair.
Then we chose another with a group of fairies dancing and skipping together though flowers. It is a reminder that she is not alone, and neither are we. It is a reminder of my dear friends on BB and other areas of our life and thier lost babies. So we bought that for them and for us. The medium did say last year that DD wanted a plaque to be remembered by. This might have been the one she chose. Funny how you find things. I have looked for something for months and today was a great day to find something we all liked. xoxo
Dory and Gigi - thank you both for being so understanding and saying such beautiful things. Your words have brought tears to my eyes and I am shaking while I am typing this. Having made this decision it feels so right for both of us. We finally feel like we have a very real chance to complete our family and hope that this works for us.
Gigi, the plaques that you have found so beautiful. I especially love your description of the baby girl balancing on her tippy toes on your hand putting flowers in your hair. What a beautiful picture! And the other plaque also sounds beautiful, recognising the other babies that surround your DD. Gorgeous.
Dory, thanks for your words. You mentioned previously that you were adopted and that felt special because of it. That is something that we want to make sure happens for our child. There is only one person IRL who we have shared this information with, apart from Drs and my TCM, and everyone has been so positive and supportive which is great. The only area which is hasn't been 100% supportive is my FS who has suggested I contact my GP about support through the ED process, which is what we were going to do anyway as she is much easier to get an appointment with than my FS, and a lot cheaper as well!
Thanks again to both of you for your understanding.
Gigi - LOL re the green thumb... me too best of intentions, but thwarted by the monotony of repetition. I think the plaque you've describred is just beautiful.... your DD just knew when she found the right one. BTW it's awesome to have our fur baby family together again, even though one littke blosssom struggled (hissing, growling, chuffing and then getting so worked up .... vomitting) with some patience, all have settled. I think it helps that the one who has been away no longer reeks of the vets but he is extra snuggly at the mo.. but that is not surprising.
Chez - I have no doubt your child will feel special.... IRL people may be more judgmental.... so if you encounter one, let Gi and me know and we'll hex them for you. Gi pls don't be offended by that.....
Last edited by dory; August 8th, 2010 at 05:55 PM.
: update
Hello lovely ladies
Chez - I agree with Dory and Gigi wholeheartedly. You and your DH obviously haven't reached this decision lightly and I say well done you. It must feel good to have a plan and way forward. I know I always feel better (lighter perhaps) with some sort of plan. Reading your post made me think of those donors and I just have to say what amazing women I think they are! They are providing such an awesome gift.
Gigi - I hope you caught that egg! You sound really positive. I take a lot of stock of what happens in our dreams. Too many things have happened that have come from my dreams - but that is another story. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you and will be stalking you to hear any news.
Thanks for all of the postitive vibes everyone. I have been biding my time hoping to provide some good news but ahhhhh it was not meant to be. AF has found its way to me again (boohoo!) A 21 day cycle - I wish my body can sort itself out! I think AP has helped a lot though as AF has been nice and red so far (sorry for TMI). Not too bummed though as I prepared myself better this month for the disappointment. I am also sworn off POAS after this cycle. I did get my hopes up at 13 dpo when temp was still high....nothing worse than seeing that single line.....
I have been kind of worried lately about Asherman's syndrome (uterine scaring) which was mentioned to me by my consultant after my last ERPC as he said he did have to be more agressive to get the last of the placenta. At least I am having periods but last month's brown period really worried me so I have decided to go to see a specialist here. Even if it just puts my mind at ease, it will be money well spent - DH agrees. I know I am going to be packing it as I don't know what I will do if he finds anything - the last thing I want is more surgery but I don't want to bury my head in the sand either. And it is easier to get it sorted earlier rather than later and whilst I am in London. Maybe I am just being a hypochondriac (there are enough in my family!).
Hello to Dory, Powelly, ChrisW, Kateo and Tess. Hope you are all OK! Babydust to you all.
Oh Suz..Bummer hun. I am sorry it is a BFN this month.
Happy that this AF is 'appearing' a better colour though. That has to be good. You must be healing well. I hope your specialist finds nothing to be concerned about. Will be thinking of you. Hypochondriac...no chance hun. You are a level headed chicka. Feelings about things like this are justified and normal. Good on you for being brave. xoxoxo i hope i have good news for you too soon. xoxo
to everyone else.
and BFPs for everyone very soon.
Bookmarks