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Thread: TTC after Late Loss/ Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth after 1st trimester ~ Dec 2006

  1. #19

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    Well the mystery continues. Still no AF. A little bit of pink when I went to the toilet this morning sorry if TMI but nothing else. I haven't updated my ticker yet because today is young, and she could arrive before it is over. Perhaps I am just having a longer cycle. I feel a bit more like I am going to get her. No major cramps like usual but just that heavy feeling IYKWIM.

    Oh well, tested and it is BFN so I am fairly certain that my cycle is longer than I thought this time around. No doubt AF will arrive just in time to ruin the weekend.



    Hey Clare, Mel, Michelle, Kirsty and everyone else. I hope you are all fantastic.

    I'll keep you updated on when (not if) AF arrives. Being a big negative I know but I just can't let myself get my hopes up. Feeling a bit sorry for myself if you can tell. DH is taking me to the plant nursery to buy a native to put in our new garden bed. I am going to make it Harrison's tree as when it grows taller it will shade his nursery window. I want a plant that is hardy (given the crazy water restrictions) and one that has flowers. The nursery just across the road has a fantastic range of natives so I am going to go over there and keep myself occupied for the morning.

    to everyone.
    Spring Angel

  2. #20
    kirsty Guest

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    Deb it just seemed to sort itself out this cycle. My plan was to wait & see what this one did & then if it was the same as the last one then I would do something about it for the next one.

    Spring we have just moved house & in this one I have made a garden for our two angel boys ~ Alex & Thomas ~ I bought a rose called "Heaven Scent" it is a beautiful bluey/pink colour & has the most gorgeous perfume to it & it has already given us 5 blooms & it has only been in the ground a few months, but we are lucky & have a small rainwater tank (which we would never drink out of) so I use that to water our plants. But it is amazing how much peace it has given me setting up this small garden & knowing it is for my boys. We also have a solar light that changes colour & I felt it was appropriate as it reminds me of rainbows & I fell that they are very closely associated with the losses of both my boys (some will know my story & reasons behind that) & we also have two angel statues in there. One bought especially for each of our boys. You will find exactly what you are looking for I'm sure. Sending you big hugs.

  3. #21

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    Hi girls,

    Deb - I also think well done on the eel costume, I can barely so on a button!!!! Yes, my mother failed in teaching me to be domestic, but DH still loves me thankfully.

    Kirsty - Fingers crossed for this cycle, sending lots of your way.

    Spring - I am wishing for a for you, it would be the best news and you truly deserve it so much! Don't stress too much about Canberra, things will work themselves out... Plus, as you said there is always the tent, lol

    As for me, the work Christmas dinner went pretty good the other night. I got a JB Hi-Fi voucher which is so cool. Didn't get home until 1am and then had to work yesterday so pretty much flaked as soon as I walked in the door last night. I had to say goodbye to a really good friend yesterday, she is moving home to Brisbane and I am going to miss her so much As far as my TTC journey goes my CD14 is due on Christmas Day, so Merry Christmas DH, lol.

    Hope everyone has a great day.

    Mel
    Last edited by Mel1977; December 15th, 2006 at 09:03 AM.

  4. #22

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    OK...... now I am freaking out :eek:

    So yesterday, the pink spotting continued on and off but to be honest, you really had to look to see it. This morning when I woke up it is all but gone. No AF, no spotting in the entire night.

    So I did a test and well it is not a BFP but it is not a BFN either, I can see a shadow, it came up after the test time I think. DH said he can't really see it but he doesn't stair at them every morning. DH said, just wait a few days sweety and test again... a few days, is he crazy, I think I will go insane in a few days.... that would be the rational thing to do. I know with the twins I didn't get a positive until 5 weeks but I had convinced myself that I had got AF. I must ovulate really late and perhaps what I had was implantation bleeding. Once again, perhaps its just a late weird period, my head is going overtime.

    The scary thing is that if it is a BFP I will be so scared, numb, worried all in one. I want this baby will all my heart but I am so worried that I will fail them like I failed the twins.

    Oh well, I am meant to be going to a going away lunch at a girlfriends house and I was bringing the bubbly. Now that I am not so sure about the test I am going to have to make up an excuse not to drink just in case.

    Sorry or being a little selfish and just talking about me. When my head stops spinning I'll do personals.

    cross everything for me.

    Spring Angel

  5. #23
    kirsty Guest

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    Spring sweetie it is ok & your DH is right if you can manage to hold off just a couple more days you may have no trouble seeing that second line at all.

    Take care of your head & make sure it doesn't spin off & I'll be looking out for more great news from you soon.

  6. #24

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    Hey Spring - you poor thing

    You have no idea how much I for a for you!!!!! I understand why you are freaking out but try to not worry too much. Easier said than done I know, but everything looks to be a good sign so now it is just a waiting game. I agree that it is best to wait a couple of days but who are we kidding - there is no way I would be able to so if it is gonna save you from going insane do it, but just keep remembering that you got a late positive with Harrison so you may get a late one this time too.

    The main thing I want to say though is you in no way "failed" Harrison and his sibling. You know I understand the need to blame yourself, but you did everything right throughout your whole pregnancy. Also, the drs have told you there is no reason for this to happen again. We both know how each other feels about that, but all the same don't torment yourself by thinking you will fail your next bub - you are and always will be a good mum.

    Look after yourself and dig in to the chocolate, apparently it has been scientifically proven to release happy stimulants in your brain... oh well I heard something similar once and it sounds like a good enough excuse so I'm sticking to it!

    Love Mel

  7. #25

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    Hey Girls


    Just a quick post to let you know that I got my AF this arvo and she is back with a vengence. Feeling pretty down but now onto my fourth glass of wine so going to drown my sorrows. My girlfriend is over at the moment, she only recently found out that her husband cheated on her and she has a gorgeous little 8 month old boy so we both feel pretty sorry for ourselves.

    Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

    Thank you for your kind words Mel and Kirsty. I know deep down that I didn't fail Harrison or his twin but it is so easy to blame myself.


    Heres to a New Year

    Sweet dreams
    Spring Angel

  8. #26
    kirsty Guest

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    Spring I am so sorry to hear that AF has showed up for you, was so hoping to come back to today & see that you had tested & the line was darker. But I hope drowning your sorrows helped (& I hope your head isn't too sore this morning )

    And I completely understand how you feel about failing your babies. It is still how I feel sometimes when I am thinking about Alex & Thomas. If only my body had of been able to fight off whatever infection was lurking to cause my waters to break so early with Alex & if only Thomas hadn't of had an abnormally long umblical cord to have the extra to do acrobatics with & tie a knot into it! But slowly I have learnt that there was nothing I could have done to change these things, even though I beat myself up over it for months after they both happened. And feelings like this is why I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to be pregnant again with any certainty (which is why it is almost a daily struggle within myself as to whether or not we try again after we see the Dr's early next month) & manage to stay sane during the pregnancy.

    Sweets it is natural to feel this way (in my opinion anyway) but the longer you dwell on it the less you will find yourself trusting yourself & your body next time & that won't do you or your bubba any good. Is there maybe someone you can have a big chat to face to fact about all this? Maybe even a counsellor?

    Anyway sweets big hugs to you & you know we are always here if you need us.

  9. #27

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    Hey Spring

    As I said in my SMS last night I am so sorry for you that AF arrived, it is so disappointing when you all but convince yourself she won't come - as you know I have been guilty of it myself. I hope she has settled down a bit today and isn't making you too uncomfortable.

    Hopefully you aren't too hung over from last night :neutral:

    Let us know how you are feeling when you are up to it.

    Hope you had a wine for me...

    Mel

  10. #28

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    Hi Gorgeous Women I AM BACK!
    I realised I didn't post and let you all know that I was away for the weekend. Chris and I went Christmas shopping in Brisbane. It was so nice to spend some time alone together and we got ALL of the shopping done and wrapped! We stayed on the Queen Street Mall (in a Hotel!) and it was sooo easy. We had Japanese (my favourite) for dinner and talked and had a lovely time.
    Spring I am so sorry that your period arrived. :hugs: to you my sweet woman. I hope that you are starting to feel better.
    Mel, Kirsty, Dream how are you all?

    I am off to have my progesterone level taken tomorrow. I am a bit nervous - hoping that it is a good one. This is my first clomid cycle since having Eggbert. I won't get the result until Thursday morning (the joys of the country!). My obs is flying out of the country on Friday morning and she has emailed me today to say she will be in her office until 11am on Thursday... Any way all I can do now is hope and pray!
    Chris flew out to HongKong and China yesterday and will return on Thursday so it' s a bit busy around here! I will try and pop back in later tonight.

    Love to you all

  11. #29

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    Hey Deb - Welcome back

    Glad to hear you had a great weekend, it's nice to just get away and be together. Well done on getting all your presents bought and wrapped, although with 4 children I would imagine you have to be fairly organised. We haven't done all of ours yet, guess it will be a busy weekend coming.

    It has been pretty quiet in here lately, everyone must be getting ready for Christmas I guess - me? I don't have a life, lol

    Personally I am trying to pretend Christmas isn't coming, ever since Sunday I have been getting teary if someone just looks at me the wrong way. I think it might be the pressure of the Christmas cheer, oh and, according to someone I know I should who every so politely told me, I should look into getting some help so I can deal with my grief... what the? :eek: I don't mean to be but I know I am a downer - we have this stupid stuffed reindeer at work and when you press his hand it sings Rudolf the red nose reindeer and yesterday and today anytime someone walks past it they press the damn button... I swear I am gonna throw it at someone before the week is through, I cringe every time I hear it!

    I don't understand myself actually, I will usually show Nicholas' photo to anyone who wants to see, I'd show it to the man down the road if I thought he would be interested, and it doesn't upset me cause I just love him and feel proud that I helped make him... But, it was Michael's birthday yesterday so we went out for dinner and my poor mum started telling me about a friend of hers she showed a photo of Nicholas to and was saying how that person got very teary looking at the photo and kept kissing the photo and calling him an angel and she was saying how amazed she was cause he is a normal looking, normal sized baby. Mum said because he really was just a normal baby but... and I cut her off and said can we not talk about this please. She said I thought you liked talking about him and I said usually I do but at the moment I can't and I don't want to cry in the middle of a restaurant. I can still remember the look on her face and she was looked so upset, I feel so guilty now that I think I should apologise to her but then if it didn't bother her too much I will bring more attention to it. I don't know why I can't talk about him to people at the moment, I can barely think of him without getting upset... but it is only since Sunday, I can't think of anything in particular that has set me off!

    To get my mind off everything I have decided I am going to go to a different OB next time, so I am looking for a high risk OB. I know that because I have only had one s/b baby (I hate that term but I guess I can't avoid it) I would not be considered "high risk" but I feel like I need to at least try. Not because I don't trust my current OB or blame him in anyway but because I am thinking about it, if I decide not to and the same thing happens I will always wonder what if I had of changed. If I change and the same thing happens well I guess I have done everything I could so I hopefully won't blame myself. So anyway I have thrown myself into finding someone else and I put a post under another forum asking for recommendations. So anyway, hopefully I go ok with that and it will give me something to look forward to in the future.

    Anyway, enough of that I think I am babbling more so than usual because it has been so quiet in here - I am like starved of BB, lol.

    I hope tomorrow goes well I bet it is VERY busy in your home while DH is away, I know how busy Michael's 3 kids keep us when they are here and that is only for a weekend when there are 2 of us - sometimes we are buggered when they go home, they have so much energy and we don't, we must be getting old!!!! Or maybe it's just cause they aren't here all the time I don't know.

    Well, as I said I hope all goes well tomorrow and pop in on Thursday and let us know how you go with your ob.

    I hope everyone is doing good and talk to everyone later.

    Love Mel

    P.S. Surely this has to go down in the history of this thread as the longest post? lol - Sorry I am a bit bored cause Michael is working and I am just waiting for him to finish, it's past my bedtime... wow, I really am getting old!
    Last edited by Mel1977; December 19th, 2006 at 09:38 PM.

  12. #30

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    Hi Mel, sorry you are having such a hard time of it at the moment. I think you are coping very well with losing little Nicholas, and whoever said you needed to get help should take al ong walk off a short peir!! I have been talking to people who aren't anywhere near you are in the healing process who lost that babes before you did. SO don't be hard on yourself, I think it is just this time of year and the additional pressure of what we have lost - with it being what should have been the first family Christmas.

    I chose not to think of Jemma as s/b I think of her as having been born sleeping! I think it is a lot easier to think about her that way!

    I too wanted to prentend Christmas wasn't happening but sadly, everyone else had different idea. Oh well, at least I'll be busy I my DP and I have been roped into making Christmas pudding and Christmas Cakes for 25+ people! So much for quiet!

    I will be staying with my same gynae, the only thing is he is in SA and I live on contract in Guinea! Will be interesting, but my DP and I have said I'll go back there and get all the relevant tests done and then see what Dr says. If he says I can come home I will, otherwise I'll stay in SA with my Mum for the whole time.

    I'll sign off fornow. But please feel free to hit whoever next sets the reindeer off, it makes me cringe at the thought!!

    Love
    Sarah

  13. #31
    clare076 Guest

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    Hi Girls
    Sorry I have been missing in action of late, it has been hectic here. Mum arrived back from England on Thursday, which was Shelby's first birthday as well. We ended up making this monstrous fairy castle cake and had a huge birthday on the saturday. She had an absolute ball. I spent the whole time feeling sorry for myself. My baby girl is growing up so fast, and I was supposed to have been 6 months pregnant at the party. So I downed 2 bottles of wine after the party and went to bed feeling much better. Still feeling blah. Usually the nausea I get mid cycle dissappears as soon as I "o", this time it has stuck around, I suppose everything is out of wack after a loss.

    Glad to see everyone is well. Deb, sounds like you had a great shopping expedition, good luck with your prog draw on Thurs.

    Spring - sorry to hear AF found you, big hugs and sloppy kisses

  14. #32

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    Hey everyone

    Sorry that I have seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet, but my life has literally fallen to pieces over the last few days and I couldn't even bring myself to post. Sounds very dramatic I know but most of it surrounded around work and trying to find a stupid house in Canberra. Anyway, I am not going to bore all of you and upset myself by re-living it but I am happy to say that I don't have to move to stupid Canberra and my work have agreed to let me transfer my job to Sydney where my DH will be posted. Our stress levels over the last few days have been off the chart and I really thought that I would just give up on everything, life, work,, everything. I can see a little more clearly now.

    To make matters even worse (if that is possible) DH was going to help a mate move some furniture yesterday afternoon and was so stressed and distracted that he rear-ended a lady in a car with two children. He felt so aweful that he just broke down. The lady said to him 'had a bad day huh?' and DH said that he just spilled his guts about Harrison to this absoute stranger who he had just smashed into. She was so nice to him and by the end of it was so worried about him that when he called her later in the night with our insurance details, she spent the entire conversation making sure he was ok. A very sweet woman indeed. It is nice to know that those sort of people still exist. Anyway, all that matters to me is that everyone involved was ok... We have insurance for a reason.

    After all that drama I decided to go and get my xrays that I have been thinking about getting. For those of you who don't know, one of the problems that Harrison had was severe scolliosis which is very rare in a baby. I just wanted to check that there wasn't something majorly wrong with my back because I have a bit of a curvature also. Anyway, it is all ok. Nothing there to suggest that anything I have contributed to Harrison becoming and angel baby. I know I am searching for answers but I need to be able to sleep at night so I just had to do it.


    Add on top of all this stress AF and you can tell why I have been absent for a while. I feel back to myself a bit now but I am just taking it easy.

    Flowerchild: You must be Mrs. Super Shopper to brave the shops at Christmas and still get everything done in a weekend! That is a massive achievement. I am glad that you and DH had a relaxing weekend. It is good to have some time out to recharge. I bet the kids were estatic to see you both when you got home. I hope you get good news about your progesterone levels tomorrow, I am thinking of you.

    Mel: Oh hun, I think that the way you are feeling is totally normal. Grief is so crule because one day something brings you comfort and the next day it is so hard. I know how you feel about talking about Nicholas, you want everyone to know how proud you are of him and that is your right because you are his mum. But at the same time it is a very fine line when someone else talks about him. I know deep down that you Mumma was only doing what she thought was the right thing to do. I think that stress levels around Christmas are so high normally. Just take time out to be by yourself, cry your eyes out if you need to, just because it is Christmas, doesn't mean that you grief is going to take a holiday. I will call you soon to catch up for one of our marathon phone calls. About your Ob, you just do whatever makes you comfortable, you know your own body and you should listen to what you heart and your mind tells you. Good luck with finding a high risk Ob, hopefully some of the girls will reply to your post soon. :hugs:

    Sarah: I think you are so right when you say that your baby Jemma was born a sleeping Angel. That is such a sweet way to remember her. I am with you girl, give that Reindeer a case of lead poisioning (lol)

    Clare: I really hope that you have a wonderful time while your mumma is here. Shelby's birthday cake sounds awesome, one of my fondest memories as a child were the cakes Mum would make us from the Womens Weekly cook book. I am with you on the two bottles of wine. I did the same thing on Saturday night and ended with the worse case of the drinking guilts on Sunday

    Kirsty: Thank you for your sweet post about blaming myself about Harrison. When I read your post about your little boys I thought to myself what an aweful unaviodable tradgedy. Why do we blames ourselves? Guilt is such a wasted emotion but also the most natural thing for a mother to do. I just really wanted to thank you for sharing your story with me. That was a very sweet thing to do.

    Oh well my sweet things. I will be back to visiting every day cause like Mel I am having BB withdrawals.

    I promise to help everyone single one of you get through Christmas and all the emotions that it brings up. I just want it to be over but I know that I have to get through it with you by my side.

    Love
    Spring Angel

  15. #33

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    Spring,
    It was sooo nice to hear from you again. I am so very sorry that things have been so tough. It sounds like it's been so very very hard. I am sending you lots of love and a big ... I am glad that nobody was hurt in the dingle and bless your darling husband for his honest show of emotions - what a gorgeous man. I so very well understand the need for your xray and to check it all out. I am glad all was well. You know as we all do that we are not to blame for our babies growing their wings. Believe this my friend and know that Harrison is smiling on you everyday...
    Christmas is a bloody awful time for emotions. One of my close g/fs is a psychiatrist and she always says that boxing day is the worst. It brings up memories of the past and dreams lost. However, let's try and focus on being with all of those people here on this earth that love us and support us. Remember the wonderful things and try to hold on to the Faith that blessings will come our way again... Spring I am really thinking of you...

    Sarah (AngelJemma)- Gosh that's a hard one being in Guinea and your specialist in SA. It sounds like you have a plan and have it all sorted. Sounds like you will be cooking up a storm!

    Clare: Good to hear from you again my love! I understand :hugs: about your baby growing up and not having Max anymore. It's so tough... It sounds like you may have made the Fairy Castle from the WW that I made for my Lucy last month for her 4th birthday. They love it don't they and it's worth all of the effort to see those little faces alight! It must be nice having your mum around. Could the nausea be something more Clare???

    Mel: :hugs: I am sure your Mum will understand. I wish I could take away the hurt from everyone in here. It's just such a bloody awful path to tread sometimes. I found it a really empowering thing to change obs. I hope you find that too. I interviewed them and made my decision based on criteria I had set (I know I know I sound painful!). I hope you find someone who you feel comfortable with and that respects and honours your wishes.
    Well I am outta here for tonight. I am a bit weary and I have taken a bit of a liking to "Men in Trees" so I am off to watch that.
    Nighty night

  16. #34
    clare076 Guest

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    Good morning
    Yeah Deb, it was the one out of the WW cookbook, only we made it double the size! We thought we had a lot more coming then actually showed up so we were literally forcing cake onto people. Shelby was in awe especially when everyone started singing, look on her face was priceless.
    Nausea update - hmmm still there, 9DPO. At 5DPO, I got a real positive OPK and temps showed I had already definately ovulated, so I did a confirm clearly HPT and got a very very faint line but a few minutes after the test time. So in true Clare style, I got a box of first response, all 3 gave me faint lines, so I bought 2 (4 tests) boxes of crystal clear, again all gave faint lines, the last test definately had a faint line within the 10 mins. But then this morning I did a fortel ultra, supposedly picks up HCG from 7-10 days after ovulation and nadda, nothing, zilch. So I am really thinking evaps - but on all of them?. I know it is still very early so not giving up hope, just wishing AF wasn't due on Xmas day!

  17. #35

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    Clare i hope it's just a little too early to tell
    I used fortel ultra and it never picked up at first and when it did i only ever got a faint line. I got a better result using a OPK.

    Good luck hun and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  18. #36

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    That sounds a bit puzzling hey... Clare I hope that it is a positive and that soon we will be celebrating in here for you!

    I am out all day today. I have to go to the airport to pick up my husband from his rather adventurous trip! The poor love is going to be exhausted. Since he left on Monday he has only spent one night in a bed sleeping... (due to o/nite flights)

    I will pop back a little later on and let you all know my progesterone results...

    I have everything crossed for you Clare my love

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