TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth Sept 2009

[Gigi1]

Yes well i have just about burned holes in the pee stick with my staring eyes. I hope to god everyone else sits there and thinks....Is that a shadow? Is that a line starting?
i tested right back on CD 21 and thought i saw something really faint only to be put in my place the following morning with a total blank. God give me strength.
Not that DTD is not enjoyable....i just want to enjoy it, life and all that surrounds this bl88dy baby making life of ours. It was 10 years to fall pg with DD....i just don't have that kind of mileage in me anymore. I am not sure how much more failure i can take. I am off to find something fun.
XX

[blessedatlast]

Hi again Everyone.. No news, just checking in and replying while I have the energy.. You know how sometimes you lurk in here but just don't feel you have the strength to reply, even when you want to?? Anyway, I will be quick

Gigi1- I am so sorry bout a BFN.. And yes everytime I have poas I have looked at it in every light, held it up and examined it!! I even do it with OPK's!!!

Dory- I'm sorry you are feeling crappy.. I just read it was your twins EDD and Amelia's 1st anniversary coming up.. Definitely hard times.. Are you doing anything special? I hope I don't come across as being ignorant, Dory, but I don't really know your story.. I only knew from previous posts that you had more than 1 loss.. If it is written somewhere I may have missed it.. If you would like to share it, I'd love to hear it.. Please don't think I am being rude, and if you are not up to sharing, especially with these dates coming up, I understand. It took me 6 months to write Taite and Seth's story.. It is so mentally draining.. I now keep a blog though.. I kinda wish I had kept one in the early days, just so I knew how far I had come in my grief.. Anyway rambling AGAIN.. Hope you feel better soon..

Teagz- Can't wait to hear of the arrival of your little one!! You are due this month aren't you??

Anyway Hi to everyone, my Mum, her hubby and my little brothers are up here on holidays for a week, I am so excited, I am off to see them now!!

[Chez67]

Hi everyone

blessedatlast - so sorry to hear that you have thrush - it's just doesn't seem fair sometimes does it? I hope you get some good news on the job front soon. How long until your TAFE course starts? I am already dreading the start of uni again this year, and I think I have another month! Hopefully I will be a bit more motivated by then

Dory - your symptoms sound promising - how long until your bt results? I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Anniversaries must be so hard to deal with, particularly when you have multiples close together. I haven't even begun to think about what we will do for Ryan in March. It seems so far away at the moment but I am sure it will be here soon enough. DH has already got a tattoo on the inside of his left arm to remember Ryan. We also both wear a chain with a charm; Ryan is buried wearing the same charm with a small chain which was taken from DH's longer chain; it helps us to feel connected with him when aren't able to be with him everyday as we should. I hope the upcoming anniversaries are a gentle and peaceful time for you. And I agree with Gigi's comments about not giving time or energy to people who are not good for us in our lives. It definitely is something that I have been more conscious of since we lost Ryan. I hope this woman doesn't cause you any trouble at work. I have found work is one of my refuges where I can just be me for 8 or 9 hours per day; not a mother who has lost her son.

Gigi1 - you have no idea how many times I have gazed longingly at HPT to try to find that second line - wishing that it would appear as if by magic. But it doesn't. I only send myself crazy. I try not to involve DH and let him in on how crazy I really have become, but I think he has a sense of it too. I really hope your fatigue is a good sign How are you coping with your SIL about to have a baby? I think if it was me it would be very hard to be that close to someone who was pg. Take care hun - you are sounding so strong at the moment

Hi to Aries, samcougar and everyone else. Teagz I hope you get some news soon. I hope that sore throat didn't develop into a full blown cold.

AFM - ovulated yesterday I am pretty sure we are in with a good chance this cycle. I am really glad that I bought the fertility monitor last year while we were overseas. It takes all of the guess work out of OPKS and temps. I am so hoping that all of this good living and relaxation will pay off. I have been feeling much more confident and upbeat since the new year. I had a dream last week that we were in Perth and it was next Christmas and we were walking into the local Thai restaurant carrying a baby carrier. I could even the see the dress I was wearing, which I have hanging in the cupboard right now. I have also had a strange feeling that I will have a baby around the time that my DH turns 40 this year, which is the end of October. Of course, all of this could be just wishful thinking by my subconscious but I am really hopeful that it is all true.

We're flying back home tomorrow so I will duck back in again on the weekend.
Take care all.
oxo

[dory]

Hey ladies - thanks for the words of support and encouragement. I am surprised at how much I need them. Today at least, I conquered the snake. lets see about tomorrow.

You know, I have really tried to avoid thinking about the twins EDD, hard to believe its come around. So no plans except I am not working and neither is DH. Plan is to do something together. I was thinking of having a memorial service for Amelia, but I am not ready to organise it, so am going to wait. Lots of ideas spinning around but nothing stands out as something that is right. So, it just needs time.

Gigi1 - thankyou so much sweetie. Big hugs back at you. When I feel sorry for myself I would like to think that multiple bereavement is really so much harder. It's harder in the sense there are more occasions that are significant and maybe more layers of emotion to process, thinking about my own experiences of my grief. But in reality, it's hard no matter what. For me probably the most significant aspect of multiple losses is that it is harder to feel hope, and not just in relation to pregnancy. After Amelia I remember thinking this can't possibly happen again, so despite my fear, when I was pregnant with the twins, I actually hoped it would work out ok, even when Nicholas miscarried but Sophie was still alive I had hope. It makes the next pregnancy that much harder, as hope is more distant. But, I wouldn't even be contemplating another pregnancy if I didn't think there was hope, nor if I wasn't prepared to risk the anguish of another loss. But then a long term TCC journey is I imagine just as harrowing, if not more so, especially one that involves loss. How can I compare my loss to my friend whose eldest son has cystic fibrosis, and the hurdles she must overcome every day? I am not minimising mine, just really saying it's hard to compare.

For each of us a loss is a loss and to us the loss is significant and we are the only ones that walk our own path, even if others are beside us, our path is our own.

I wear a gold heart shaped pendant with 3 amythests( a gift from DH in remembrance of our babies) and I regularly sleep with their bunny rugs. I have kept a journal. We have photos, even of wee little Nicholas. We donated a digital camera and printer to the hospital after Amelia was born, because they didn't have one, and we were unprepared and didn't take one. We live close so DH went home and got the camera. I didn't want other parents taken by surprise to miss out on the opportunity to have lots of photos. I will put together a "montage" eventually.

But as much as anything I feel that DH and I the best memorial of and for our children. They were created in our love, the grew in our love and died in our love. Their legacy, is the woman and mother and wife ( and man, father and husband) that you all see. They are always with me in everything I do.

Chez I like the idea of your connected charms. Your little Ryan is always with you.

Gigi1 - I too have toyed with the idea of a tatoos, but in the end have decided it's not for me, but I do like the symbolism in the hip and wing concepts.

Blessedatlast - I have thought long and hard about "my story". As everyone in here knows, it's so easy to read the word loss/miscarriage/stillbirth but those words belie so much anguish and torment and I am not sure I can do mine justice. For some reason I am reluctant to put it in my signature, in a brief version. And I was never comfortable with the idea of just blurting out my story in a new thread. So in reality it's come out in bits and pieces across various threads. I won't go into to much detail tonight, but just by way of quickie ( still have some sense of mischief!) I miscarried in July 2008 at 8 weeks- blighted ovum, I must look up the date, Amelia was born alive extremely premature at 21 weeks and 6 days gestation on 23 February 2009 and lived for 35 minutes and weighed 455grams, Nicholas ( or twin 1 as he was known before he was born) was born at 14 weeks and 5 days gestation on 28 July 2009, but only lived briefly and he only weighed about 90grams, and Sophie ( or twin 2 as she was known before she was born) was born at 19 weeks and 6 days gestation on 30 August 2009 weighing 230grams and she lived amazingly for 3 hours. The twins were dichorionic diamniotic (DCDA) fraternal twins. We have had a small service for each our precious ones and had them cremeated, even wee Nicholas. We are currently trying to settle on the words we like for the inscriptions. We have Amelia's sorted, but still working on one each for Nicholas and Sophie. Maybe that's one of the things I will do on their EDD, let them give me the strength to finish.

I know what you mean about a epic and draining journey to memoralise your angels.

Gigi1 I second the burning holes in the HPT's hoping for that second line. I haven't tested again... am holding off. I am sorry about your BFN.

Chez - good work on the big O. Hopefully it works into a BFP soon. Don't go mental in the 2WW.

[blessedatlast]

Dory, thank you so much for sharing your painful journey. I hope it wasn't too difficult for you.. I will be thinking of your family around this hard time.. I love what you said,

For each of us a loss is a loss and to us the loss is significant and we are the only ones that walk our own path, even if others are beside us, our path is our own.

You are very wise

Chez- I will have my fingers crossed for you.. Hope your dream comes true!! I start back at TAFE early Feb.. Orientation is on 27th Jan.. I am so nervous, but glad for the distraction!

[Miss.B]

Hi ladies,

Sorry I've been MIA, but now that I am a lady of leasure (I finished work at the end of December with a nice package!!) I have been jetting around Australia and it's been lovely. We went to QLD on Boxing Day and then to Lorne here on the Great Ocean Road for a few days which was lovely. Everything is well at my end, just getting bigger and more uncomfortable but I kick myseld every time I have a whinge..lol.

Dory, I've read your story about losing your precious babies, and it just broke my heart. You are such a strong lady to have survived it all, and to keep on going with your TTC journey. I admire your strength and courage, and wish and pray for your well deserved BFP hun. I will be thinking of you coming up to your twins EDD, and as for not knowing what to do for Amelia's angelversary, I hear you hun, I still haven't had a proper 'ceremony' to burry Joshua's ashes, I don't know if I will ever be ready to do that hun. We'll see.

Cheryl, your holiday sounds so nice, I pray that your dream does come true darl!

Blessedatlast, sorry to hear about the thrush hun. I have it too ATM, I stopped taking my Inner Health Plus when I went to QLD and now the wretched thing in back!! I hate having it and the itchiness is driving me mad! Fingers crossed for a lovely BFP for you too lovie!

Gigi, sorry about your BFN hun, praying you'll have more luck next time hun

Aries, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you hun, I hope AF has stayed away for you

Hi to everyone else I have missed and heaps of baby dust and sticky vibes for everyone in this thread!

B xxx

[Gigi1]

Hi ladies,

Everything is well at my end, just getting bigger and more uncomfortable but I kick myseld every time I have a whinge..lol.


B xxx

Made me chuckle..now we have to work on you growing bigger and more uncomfortable and being kicked from the inside. Sorry, i hope this is not totally inappropriate but as i was reading your post i am thinking...wait on who is this, pregnant?, no. Oh god. You really spun me around...obviously not concentrating.

Sorry everyone for no personals. Dory sorry hun, will get to reply to you soon brave girl. You have taken my heart for bit.
AF is here and I am not happy Jan...geting there, just tired, so tired of it all.
Night all. xoxo