Thanks Gigi. I'm going to try to go for a walk around the block. Staying in bed crying only works for a short time. I just miss them both so much. It's getting close to J's due date. I really thought he'd be ok. I was so sure he was healthy. He was such a busy boy, kicking mummy all day. Rolling around. So busy. My mummy instinct is completely ****.

I should have been able to keep them safe. I dont know why they both got so sick. We loved them both so much before we even knew they were here. I dont understand why. I know that's a kid's question. I just wont ever understand. Why couldnt our little boys be healthy. Why them?

I have so many friends due in the next few months. There's a group of us, all due 1 month after the other. I should be getting ready for J's arrival, anxious as we get past L's gestation, wanting baby to cook a few weeks longer, but not too long. Maybe come at the end of September. Not grieving for my second son, dead for 12 weeks, his ashes in the bedroom with hus brother's. I want to be happy for my friends. I do. It's just they're having their second baby, whilst mine are both dead. I feel like crap. I am happy for them. I'm just sad for me. I'm sad for my DH who was made to be a father. I'm sad for our boys, for the lives they miss out on.

It's not easier the second time. I dont know why I thought it should be. It's harder. It's so much harder.

I saw a 'medium' 7 weeks after DS1 died, which was a mistake. I am contemplating hypnotherapy for life between life regression. I'd like to understand the choices I made coming into this life.

Thanks for letting me get it out. I'm a mess atm. I should have a shower and get cleaned up. I'm just so bloody tired of all this.