Hi all. Firstly, I've changed my username to honour my new avvy, but it's still me, tashybabe

S&S - I am so, so sorry You must be devastated. If you need to chat, let me know, either here or FB or email. I am thinking of you. I also think of your little boy often. I also had a mmc. My body held on for 2 weeks before we found out and I ended up opting for a D&C. One day, we will both get take home babies.. it will happen. Meanwhile, let yourself greive. For both this baby and your son.

Gigi1 - I hope SnapDragon stops pushing your buttons soon. I hope you're also getting lots of love and cuddles as well as having your patience tested. I know you're not allowed to say too much. I remember my mum's dog as a pup. She was a defiant little thing. She'd just sit there, staring at me as if to say "who do you think you are, you're not the boss of me", then run away! It took time but with lots of love and patience, she turned out to be a very loving dog. Still with her own special personality, but very gentle.

So sorry about your friend. That's incredibly sad. I also find myself heartbroken when I hear about other baby loss. I know what hell it is and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

EJ - so good you have a better Dr. They make such a difference. I've been tested for ANA and lupus too. They can affect fertility, so it's good they've picked it up now. I hope you're fundraising tea went well. It's a great thing to do and I hope you made lots of money.

That's awful about listening to a woman talk like that to her children. I've seen something similar and it just breaks my heart. Dont they realise how lucky they are?

cindee - welcome. sorry to see you with us. Do you feel like sharig your story?

dory - sorry we keep missing each other. the hugs are lovely and do help. Fx your 2WW ends in another 8-9 months with a healthy bundle of joy Happy belated birthday for HB. I think it's lovely you want twins again. DH suggested twins to me (as if it's something we can control) but it scares me. Given we're only likely to go again one more time it may solve the problem of no living siblings. But if they both had more genetic problems, it would be awful. Happily, not something I can control. There's fraternal twins on my paternal side (Dad's Mum was a twin) but that rules me out.

As for Leo's name, it was a name we thought of a few weeks before he was born. We got it off West Wing and added it to our shortlist. It was about 3rd or 4th. Then he was born early and he looked like a Leo to us, with his strong build and ginger hair. We was a determined little boy, coming out bum first, kicking all the way. Later, we realised he had been born on a full moon in Leo, so it felt like it was meant to be. Which is both happy and sad to think of.

Hugs for your friends. I also have friends who just had a failed cycle. They do have a couple of frosties, but I know they're devastated. It's their 4th go I think.


BAL - I am thinking of you and little Jett everyday. I read your blog. It looks like he's doing wonderfully well so far. I know you must be worried and feeling like you're reliving things, but he's growing and hopefully you'll be able to take him home soon (but not too soon of course)

Skybie - take all the time you need and don't beat yourself up for your feelings. You're allowed to feel disappointed and deflated. Would writing to Jack help at all?

Hello to anyone I missed

AFM. Things are rough. Sleep doesn't want to be my friend so sleeping pills are at the moment I know I'll get through. It's not like there's any alternative after all, not one I'm interested in anyway. I was never going to get to 40 weeks with this baby. I know I wouldn't have coped mentally. So we should have our take home baby with us by now. In another universe, some woman is introducing her 15 month old son to his baby brother. That should be me. I feel sad and low and ripped off. I don't know what I ever did that was so terrible that this should happen. I know, logically, bad things happen. I just don't understand why us? why our babies? I miss my boys so much.

So this Saturday should have been Jude's due date. We're going to do another balloon release for him. You know what's weird. In the last year or so, the only association I have with balloons is funerals, memorials, death. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have happy balloons, not just goodbye balloons? Anyway, we'll take them to a lake we went to when we found out he was sick. Then we have some family and our midwife coming for dinner Saturday night. We'll be cooking Indian, so I'll be starting prep for that Thursday It's also Pregnancy & Infant loss day, so I'll be lighting candles for both our boys.

There's a Walk to Remember with SIDS & Kids and SANDS at Albert Park on Sunday we may go to. More balloons there too.

I don't see me going back to work any time soon. I left the house today to pick up drycleaning. Not exactly being a productive member of society...

I think we're cancelling Christmas this year too. We did it last year, I even decorated the tree. I just can't bear it this year. We had dinner with family last week and they gave us an ornament with Jude's name on it, to match Leo's from last year. I just broke down howling for ages. It's not their fault. It's just how things are now. At least now they may see, when I say I can't socialise, I'm not just being difficult. I'm not going to big functions full of strangers when I'm likely to have a meltdown. Maybe, now, they get it.

Sorry for the sooky post. Just not coping right now.