CeCE- i fully agree with what you say.
I was already a fairly spiritual person- but after loosing my babies it definatly made me start thinking more about what is beyond this world.
And one of the hardest things i have had to deal with is that some good can come out of all this pain. I remember when i got my job after loosing Darren- at first i was dead set against it. Then i started and i actually found myself really glad that i got the job when and where i did. Until one day it hit me- if i was a mummy to a little boy- i would never have statred working here. It was a really tough time adjusting to finding happiness that wouldn't have been there if i had of been able to keep him. I still struggle some days just knowing that my life would be so completely different right now if things had happened differently. And to be satisfied with my life now- doesn't mean that i am happy he is gone- i am just moving forward. But it is one very hard adjustment to make.

The other thing i have noticed is that all of this has brought my husband and i closer. we still struggle with communicating quite a bit- but we take the time to stop and acknowledge that we are struggling and we move through it together- which has been comforting. And i am not sure if we would be able to be so honest with each other if we hadnt had to go through so much pain together.

And of course how could i not mention all the beautiful people i have met in here.
And we all know that wouldn't happen unless we all had been through what we have. I now have more close female friends to openly talk to then i have ever had in my entire life. I have no fear coming in here- i dont worry about how i sound or what i am thinking because even though we may all be from different backrounds (even live in diferent countries) we all have a special bond we share and it is so marvelous that we can find eachother and be there for each other.

Sheree joy- i understand that you are saying that what you have been through is not as bad as what we have- but i have no doubt that you have sobbed the same heavy hearted tears i and everyone else has. You have felt that hole in your heart that just wont go away until you crumple yourself into a tiny ball and bawl your heart out. As i have said befoer, a loss is a loss at any stage. You may not have had to give brth to your angels- but you still had them ripped away from you. If you do want to find somewhere else to go where you feel more comfortable- i understand- but please dont do it because you think you dont deserve to be in here- you found your way in here and it was for a reason. Please dont under ever estimate your losses. i am talking abit from personal experience, i felt the same when i had my miscarrage- i thought, HA its nothing like what i went through before- it's nothing. Well it wasn't nothing.
Sorry i dont mean to sound like i am lecturing you- i just dont want you to feel outed
coz i really appriciate your contributions.

Enough lecturing from me!!

I am feeling better today. Dr confirmed for me that last month was an early m/c. He said that my levels wouldn't have been up unless something had been going on. He did an exam and said my uteris has contracted so he doesn't think anything is still in there but- i may have picked up an infection (i can get one just from thinking about it!!LOL) so i am on antibiotics. He also aggrees with me and Dr mel that it was most likely becuase i was taking the aspirin. So i am off it until further notice. He said i did the right thing by waiting a cycle before really trying again. (thats why i wasn't putting in top effort) But that all should be well for this month. I have booked another appt in a months time to see him again.

I feel pretty silly for taking the aspirin- but i think as long as things work out this month i will feel a little better. I only hope that everything goes ok now i am not taking the aspirin. I feel pretty responsible- not in a bad way, just knowing i probably would be preg now if i hadn't been taking it. But i have a plan and this is my month!!
All going to plan i will start opk tests in a few days.

Take care all you darlings!!
Love StarBright

p.s. mel if you are lurking- i have no credit on my phone!! Everything sounds great!! I will call you this afetrnoon!!!