Babies Born April 1st ~ 15th 2008 #2

[Fire]

Lisa, I reread my post to see if it was me you refer to and there is a line in there about baby rice cereal and how I think it tastes terrible, etc. With my daughter, I was a totally different parent, and I wanted to do things differently this time. I had extremely severe post natal depression with her, for 18 months, and was suicidal. I am really enjoying it this time, and I want to shout it from the rooftops... because all I shouted 6 years ago was: please God let me die.

I am a very disorganised person, very messy and not domesticated AT ALL. I don't know if you were here from pregnancy or just from a certain time on, but if you were you may know that. My husband has a major issue with it as he is the opposite to me. So the fact that I'm managing this is really awesome, and not only managing it, I am doing things I always wanted to do, like soak my oats, make sourdough! and even kefir and sauerkraut. I'm a bloody champion, seriously. I have accepted that I am a sahm, and may be for some time. I'm ok with this now. I'm enjoying being led by my son and finding - for ME - it is more enjoyable.

I also like to write things as many things aren't known as options. Such as a baby eating regular food. I didn't know that until this year for Christ's sake. As I've mentioned. I'm learning, always learning, always wanting to share what I learn also. And some have been interested in the idea of it so I shared details. I in no way meant to make others feel bad, I would NEVER want to do that. I spend my life trying to help (failing perhaps, but trying), I spend 6 hours a week treating people's health for free. I can see, now, that it may have been insensitive due to some struggling in the way I did 6 years ago. And for that, I apologise. I meant no harm. I meant to brag, hell yeah. Of course. But I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad.

I have had one HELL of a fricken year. I had gestational diabetes for which I had to eat a special diet and exercise after every meal. I laboured for 13 hours without drugs with a bandel's ring at home (more painful than regular labour) desperate for a natural homebirth only to end up cut, again - no lotus birth, no quiet nothing. My son had allergies so I had to continue to eat a special diet, at times consisting of only chicken and rice for weeks. He scratched and scratched and I so desperately wanted to be the attachment mother I dreamed of being. I couldn't sling him all day. I had so many problems, eating into my dreams, my hopes to do things differently this time.

I cried. a lot. I screamed. I had a nervous breakdown. A bonafide nervous breakdown.

I had to quit going to a message board that was all AP because I felt like such a failure. I couldn't feed my son every half hour all day and night, I was too sleep deprived. I felt like I couldn't do anything they were doing. I didn't even know how mothers even DID half the things these ones did. I kept asking for advice, and they kept telling me, basically, to suck it up. So I sucked up as much as I could, and most of my dreams remained intact. But it was such a struggle.

I quit breastfeeding DD after 6 weeks and it was one of the pnd triggers for me... I am still bfing Ci, another thing to be proud of. I never thought I'd achieve that, esp when i kept drowning him, just like I did her, and he screamed and screamed almost every feed; he had green frothy poos and the whole thing was just another mess on top of all the other messes.

I never thought he'd stop whining for longer than five minutes. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. I felt so ripped off and angry and resentful that of all those I knew I seemed to be doing it so much harder, putting myself out so much more for nothing. The books were wrong, the research was wrong... that's how I felt. He was more miserable than any kid, and so was I, and yet I was doing so much more.

And then it just all stopped. I used my knowledge to heal us both. His skin cleared like magic, I felt proud again. I stopped crying. So did he. He got happy, so happy. He started going leaps and bounds, and laughing all day. He seemed suddenly so switched on.

Those that have been here for the tiny bits I wrote about here have a little idea of how it was. But honestly, it was so much worse. I desperately tried to stick to my plan, to what I considered ideal, and it must have seemed like such a joke to everyone, in my real life and on here and other places. I cringe in embarrassment at it sometimes, but I had to do it, I slogged it out, I spread the good word, the reasons why I was doing what I was doing.... and now, here I am. I feel good. He is healthy, he is switched on, and I am experimenting and having fun and sticking to my goals of cross-cultural parenting, even with feeding.

So, if that seems smug, I make no apologies for that. It isn't my intention.

ETA, if I have just embarrassed myself even further by saying all that and it wasn't me that you directed that to, I'm really sorry. I'm hopeless at social things, and it seems online social things also.