Hi yummy mummies,
I have had a tough couple of days with depression and anxiety. I have a mental health nurse coming to visit on Monday morning. I have been getting anxious about each fed time cause then I know comes the possibility of screaming and crying due to wind, settling and generally I just freak out when he really gets going. So much so that even when I finally get him settled and asleep I have been pacing the house anxiously waiting for the next feed. Its been really debilitating. I had a chat with my mum a week ago and that I really need her. things have been hard between us for a few years now but enough is enough. So she spent yesterday with me and I broke down into tears as I bought a sling thing for me to wear with JD and when I got home DH almost had him asleep so I thought it would be a excellent time to try him in it. But it scared him so much he started screaming and I just panicked and began feeling really devistated in myself for being so stupid and upsetting him like that. It didn't take long to settle him down again, but I spent the afternoon on the floor crying my eyes out for being such a crap mother.
Anyway, eventually I snapped out of it and I realised that I am just scared of hurting him, or breaking him or stuffing him up in some way. I have always been pretty clumsy and hopeless with important things and I guess I am just terrified that I will break him in some way and that breaks my heart. I have almost no confidence. But last night I got so ****ty at myself for being such a sook and I kept saying that he is only a baby, how can I be so scared of a baby? I have broken in young horses and even a brought up and trained a young colt of course I can handle one little baby! I am still trying to keep myself strong and determined to not be so scared and anxious but i can still feel it inside of me but hopefully each day that I get by and not HURT him the more confident I will get. Last night while DH was at sport I even made a bath and jumped in it with JD and he loved it! It was the skin to skin that I think we both really needed and I am going to try and do it again this week.
Oh man this mother thing is so hard, but like anything new like starting a new job there is a time of transition before you start to feel like you know what your doing. I have never been good at that part and always want to on top of things and confident right from the beginning, but I have always lived in a fantasy world in my head and this has certainly brought me crashing back down to earth! I just pray that I stay strong and each day just gets better and better for me.
As for BF, it seems I am loosing my supply probably because I am feeding him formula as well. He seems to like the formula better. Certainly keeps him happier for longer. I love BF, I don't have any problems doing it but bottles are easier so I just express once in the morning and once in the evening and thats about all I get out of my BB now. But I am not worried as long as JD is happy then so am I.
Bookmarks