AAARRRGGGHHH Families!!

[nicjay]

Far out, I just cannot believe mine and DH's families form after this miscarriage!

I won't even get into what my mother said to me here, because it was so stupid and insensitive, but I just had a phone call from my MIL and it went like this. MIL: How are you going? Me: Not too bad thanks (bit of a white lie there but anyway...) MIL: I was just ringing to see what you would like for Christmas. Me: Sorry I've got no idea what I would like, its actually the last thing on my mind at the moment. MIL: What's wrong? Me: I've just had a miscarriage, I'm really not thinking about Christmas yet or what I would like for it.

There was a bit more after this but it was just her getting all uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. Suffice it to say she got off the phone as fast as possible.

Is she kidding or what??!! What's wrong? Do I really have to spell it out for you!! Does she really think that 6 weeks later that I have just forgotten about it and gotten on with my life like nothing happened? Fair dinkum, how about a bit of acknowledgement of what I've been through and a bit of sympathy! It's driving me nuts how they all just pretend that nothing has happened

Sorry, ranty over now just had to get this latest one off my chest.

[STARRYSKY]

i can so sympathise megsmum, my parents were very supportive for the first week, then its like in my mums own words, get over it, pick yourself up and try again. yeah right and its that easy....
not to mention all the so when are you trying again?? questions..hmmmmm.
I suppose evryone elses lives can go on as if all is fine, but for us, we have lost a part of ourselves, how do you ignore that and just carry on?
keep venting and posting, the support I got here at bb was better than my own family and friends could or would provide.
big hugs.
xxx

[AJC]

Hey megsmum. Sorry to hear about your insensitive rellies. You know what they say - you can choose your friends.......but you can't choose your family. At the end of the day they love you dearly but sometimes you do find better support outside the family circle. I've found that anyway, the closer they are to you the more opinionated they are where as people outside tend to listen to you more.

Some people just don't get it do they? I agree with starrysky, I've found the support in here great.

Take Care & best wishes

[bettyboop]

MY family have been the same, pretending that it did not happen and my sis has said nothing, my friends have been the best and talk about it , thank goodness for good friends.sending you a big hug and we are all here for you.

[nicjay]

Thanks ladies

I'm feeling a bit calmer now *takes deep breath*

[munchy]

Hi Megmum

i totally understand what you mean when i lost my little girl at 23 wks my inlaws were not to be seen when i found out that i was going to have to give birth to her i was telling my MIL and i said about getting hand a foot prints and some pics of my beautiful baby girl and she said errrrrrrrr that is just morbid and looking down at me also when the funeral came they didnt come as they didnt want to go to a funeral of someone they never new and was also told it wasnt a baby it was a fetus my god did they make me angry i have not forgeven them to this day i have been seeing a councellor cos what they said hurt me so much it was also my MIL mum who was saying it as well i just cant believe how they could be so nasty they dont even no how upset i am with them and my DH was not there when they said but i wish he was cos at the time i didnt say anything i was in shock of what they said and just wanted to get out of there house. i am just so glad i had my family and friends who supported me my sister even came to the hospital to hold my baby girl and my dad came to see her and eveyone came to the funeral so i think it was there loss although i wish my DH had support from his family they are total (ar*eholes) sorry to rant on just wanted you to no you are not alone honey and the experience you had you will never forget its something that will stay with you for life and people need to realise that.

take care honey

Munchy xxx

[chris]

Megsmum
You should have told her you wanted to be pregnant!!!!
Some people can get over a miscarriage quite easily and just get on with life. (like one of my friends hence she was no help to me)
i am like you and took along time to heal emotionaly (still going to counciling).
Your MIL has nothing else to worry about than what she is going to buy and what she is going to do on christmas.

Only worry about you, your DH and your daughter. No one else matters!!!

Take care
Chris

[scooby]

Hi MM i think i told this story in an other thread but before i was diagnosed with my ep they said id mc and when i told MIL she said "oh thats a shame and preoceeded to tell me that my SIL wasnt breastfeeding anymore. Dont you just feel like screaming in their faces. My SIL is the biggest hypochondriac and everything is this huge drama and because im quite reserved about my feelings it like im not feeling anything. I hate that you feel like your dying inside and unless you scream rant and rave everyone assumes its all ok. Its as well we all have each other here, i know i wouldnt have gort through it as easy without all the support and the ability to share exactly how you are feelin with like minded people.
Ps Munchy reading your post made me so angry that must have been so hurtful, i dont care waht their feelings were, they didnt need to be shared and they should have been 500% supportive of you and DH, who the h#ll do they think they are your right major a##holes.

[STARRYSKY]

here, here scooby!! *cheers* I soooo agree!!!

[Nelle]

Ohh Susannah, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll start by saying I haven't experienced a miscarriage, so perhaps I'm out of line...I don't know your MIL's background, but I know my mum and MIL would struggle to know what to do too, because of the way things were when they were growing up and having children - that is, the expectation was to have a period of grieving and then move on. My mum grew up on a farm with 6 brothers and sisters, so I know she would struggle (although try hard) with understanding someone's need for time and counselling and all that. She also might try to bring my mind to future events, like Christmas, to try and give me a diversion. She would think it was helping to not mention it and talk about other things. Am I making sense?

I don't know your family, and you definitely could have done without 'what's wrong'. But I wonder if that's their attitude because that's how they've been taught to deal with personal tragedy.

(Munchy...I'm not sure your Inlaws fit into the 'trying to help' category, sorry. Unfortunately many people just don't understand the power of their words.)

All the best everyone with your families in the future.

[nicjay]

Hi again,

Finally enough time to write a reply to everyone!

Thanks AJC and Starrysky, you are both so right. The support in here has been a big help - apart from a few good friends and my dad and stepmother there hasn't been much support from people I know IRL


scooby - I think I remember reading your thread, how insensitive of your MIL *hugs* It really just gets to me when they change the subject like that - I know how you feel about screaming in their faces. I'm like you too, a bit reserved in showing my feelings when I can hide it (which I haven't been very successful at lately), but I too don't think you should have to scream and carry on if you don't want to have it assumed that you are "over it".


Chris - thanks! I think sometimes that it would be nice to be one of those people who gets over a miscarriage really fast - no one really understands that we don't actually enjoy feeling like this! I hope you are doing OK.


munchy - OMG, I cannot believe your rellies, how utterly awful that they would not even go to your DDs funeral I feel a bit like scooby, angry for you. It is just not right that they should do that to you when you are trying to deal with the grief of losing your little one like that. Surely even if they felt that way inside, they could have at least hidden it for your sake and your DHs sake. Big hugs.


Nelle - thanks for the reply, I don't think you're out of line at all! Actually I do think that you are pretty right in how you've summed it up. I'm pretty well aware that she is doing it because she doesn't want to upset me, and has probably assumed that I am starting to move on. But this is despite my DH telling her that I am still struggling with everything, so I do feel that she is trying to sweep it under the rug a bit KWIM? And unfortunately it doesn't help me deal with my miscarriage at all. It would have been much better as far as I am concerned if she had just asked me how it would be best for her to help me deal with this.

But having said all of that, I think that a lot of that generation didn't even talk about miscarriage (or grief either much), so that is why they are like they are. I guess it will just take me some time to come to terms with this attitude. Nobody in my DHs family has as much as said "I'm sorry" to me, even his sisters that I have good relationships with, which has upset me more than I can say. And it actually comes across as a bit cold to me, as well as that they are also just trying to make it a bit easier on themselves. After all by not saying anything to me to acknowledge it then they don't have to deal with me being upset about it to them if that makes any sense?

I guess also that this wasn't actually a "real baby" to them either in a lot of ways - they had only known that I was pregnant for 2 weeks. But it was a real baby to me - perhaps if I had not seen the baby alive on ultrasound at 8 weeks, it might not have been so difficult to take when I found out the baby had died - I just don't know But I really wish they would try to understand and not ask me "what's wrong" six weeks later!! I think that's part of the problem I have - I don't feel that they are trying to understand either.

Anyway, I've waffled on for long enough, I hope all of this makes sense. I guess it is as much me trying to get things straight in my mind as it is me trying to explain how I feel.

[Penny]

Hi Megsmum,
You are sooo entitled to be angry with them for not acknowledging your loss. I had the same thing happening with my inlaws. My MIL, even though she told me that she had had a miscarriage herself once, just pretends that nothing has happened. My Dh's siblings have never said anything to me either although we see them almost weekly for family dinners and we have (I had!) a good relationship with everyone as my own family is overseas. Now I feel that the family support here is gone for me because I don't enjoy seeing them anymore and I don't want to stay away because my son loves his grandparents etc.. Catch 22!
I thought maybe I am focussing on my own feelings too much, but reading this thread has shown me that we all feel the same - that helps so much!! Thank God for BB and all you lovely ladies here!

[nicjay]

Thanks Penny - I'm so sorry that your family is being like mine is being It just makes it so much harder to cope with it all doesn't it?

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you too with my DD - she loves her grandparents and wants to see them, but I just can't handle being around them at the moment - a huge catch 22 like you said. I think at times like this though, you have to look after yourself and focus on your feelings first, so try not to feel too bad about it. I know it will take me some time to get past all of this, maybe it will for you too.

I must say that I'm dreading Christmas this year though.....I honestly don't know if I can go to any of my in laws gatherings yet I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Hugs xx

[munchy]

Hi Girls

i am just catching up on everything thanks for your support Scobby you sound more angry than me ha ha they did make me angry and when i think of it now it makes me angry i think i dont need people like thatin my life and i try my best not to go see them although they live round the corner if the subject ever comes up i will have to say something as i really want them to no that what they said was out of order anyway i have to go as i am at work hope you are all well.

Munchy xxx

[Katiegirl]

Hi Girls

I have to say that our families have been amazing. But the other night DHs sister had said she would come over to see us, which was the day after my D&C (we had not seen her since a few days before we found out the news). Her new boyfriend had arrived from overseas on Monday, and we have not met him yet. She asked DH if she could bring him over. DH explained that while we would love to see her, we were not yet ready to have to meet a new person (keeping in mind we had only just found out about our babys passing etc). She then called later that night to say she wouldn't be able to come over as she had her with him etc.

Then DHs mother calls us to say that his sister had called her upset because we had refused to meet her boyfriend and that she didn't think it was very nice etc! MIL had a go at her and explained that she was being insensitive etc. I am now furious and really could not be bothered seeing her let alone the new boyfriend. I just feel it was so selfish especially as DH would have liked to see her and I think it hurt him.

I think sometimes it takes these sort of responses to make us appreciate all the special people who do offer support without any conditions. I feel better after that rant!