Trying to Cope

**Abbey B** · January 26th, 2008, 06:33 PM

hello everyone..

im just wondering how do all you ladies cope with miscarriages?

I lost my first baby at 7weeks and although deep down i know that it wasnt really a human yet, it was my little creation. Possibly the best thing that i'll ever do and i found it really hard to watch it wash away like a common cycle. and at the moment i'm finding it hard to cope with the milestones. I would have been 16 weeks this week and i just feel so sad. Its so hard to think that i should be still pregnant now but i'm not. I dont know how to deal with it.

I've also become really obsessed (for lack of a better word) with pregnant/baby things. I cant help but look at the baby books in the shop or pick up a magazine for pregnant women or watch pregnancy/baby shows. I get so emotional when i see pregnant women in the street, so much so that the first thing i want to do when i get home is get pregnant again. but i know i cant, not for a while anyway.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this loss? I feel like it was my fault that it happened and that i should have done things better.

RIP my little angel.

**butterfly_warrior** · January 26th, 2008, 06:44 PM

Abbey

I'm so sorry for your loss... it's never easy to deal with.

First of all, there's no need to "get over it" or move on - you never really can. But there's also a point where you have to stop torturing yourself, stop rubbing salt in the wounds...

For me, I had to get far away from all the reminders of "I should have been XX weeks by now". Focusing on what could have been will just make sure your heart stays completely broken in two. It helped to focus on the now, to focus on what I do have (the most wonderful DH in the world, to start with!), and very slowly to look to the future.

I think the important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, certainly (bad move to try to avoid it!), but don't keep doing things that you know will remind you and make you hurt more. It's sad that it has happened, but please don't continue to punish yourself - you have done nothing wrong, and you don't deserve to be treated this way!

It does take time, but it does get better - allow yourself the good days and the bad days.

BW

**Shanti** · January 26th, 2008, 06:47 PM

Abbey

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an early miscarriage in Nov and still try to deal with it now... I don't think I'll ever get over it completely even though it was an 'early' loss as such it still hurts.
I think about how many weeks I would be now and I do get upset also when I see pregnant women near me, and wish I was them with a big beautiful belly. I also look at all the magazines, baby aisles in shops, baby clothes etc But i know it will happen for me one day and that is what keeps me going. And it will happen for you one day soon too.

I hope you feel much better soon :hugs:

**diannescruffy** · January 27th, 2008, 06:20 PM

Hi Abbey, so sorry to hear of your loss. Please don't blame yourself because it is definately not your fault. What your feeling at the moment is perfectly normal, let yourself grieve. Gradually you will learn how to cope with your pain and things will get easier for you. I also have had a miscarriage and a stillbirth and your pain will never go away. Your precious little angel will be in your heart forever.

**Baby Angels** · January 31st, 2008, 10:20 AM

How do we cope....... ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Thats the only way you can cope.

Regardless of other opinions, these were our babies. A human life is a human life regardless how small. I talked to my twins.... told them off when they were cramping me "come on settle down you two... there s no need for that"

I ve been told that its "nature s way". I ve read that things werent going to "progress nicely" and all sorts of other ways of basically saying that I would have not had healthy babies. I understand all that, but they are still my babies just as their older brothers are my babies.

There is one thing I found if it makes it any easier for you. ALLOW yourself to grieve. DO NOT allow other peoples opinions on how you should be coping even enter your train of thought. Find a way of grieving for your baby and then emotionally you will be able to move forward.... but still ONE DAY AT A TIME!

:hugs:

**Kitt3n** · January 31st, 2008, 10:26 AM

Oh Abbey, hugs.

But as angel babies said, just one day at a time.

you will have good days, you wll have bad days, and just when you are starting to feel batter you will have another bad day.

its just part of it i guess.

But this place is great therapy, i hope you can find some comfort here as i have

**STARRYSKY** · January 31st, 2008, 10:51 AM

abbey, I am so sorry that you lost your precious bub.

I second everything that the lovely ladies before me have so kindly pointed out.
For me the best thing was that I found bellybelly forums, I realised I was not alone, that we can all support eachother thru these times, I really feel that helped me.
wishing you peace and happiness abbey, they will come.
xxx

**Shan** · January 31st, 2008, 05:26 PM

Hi Abbey B. I am very sorry for your loss.

I too am finding my m/c very hard to deal with. I think i am going ok but then I see another pregnant lady or see a little baby and just think, WHY!! It doesnt seem fair to have a little bub taken away when we wanted it so much. I try to keep telling myself that it wont be long before I am the one with the big belly but until then my heart breaks everyday.

**Baby Angels** · January 31st, 2008, 05:44 PM

Dont get me wrong........I loose it all the time. Even today, we went to the shopping center, had to get hubby a new mobile phone, his was falling apart. So we go into this phone shop, same one we use and have used for years, We walk in there and they were talking about being quiet and dont wake him, I didnt think much of it until from behind their counter came a babies quiet cry. Next thing the staff pick up and pass around this tiny baby, maximum 4 weeks. I turned from someone that was there confidently purchasing a mobile to this quiet thing that could hardly open my mouth. It happens, It happens quite a lot, but we learn how to deal with it. It doesnt go away, we learn how to deal with it.

Thats why time is the healer. Over time we lean how to deal with it.

**bettyboop** · January 31st, 2008, 06:45 PM

sorry to hear of your loss, it just takes time and one day at a time,i was at the shops tonight and saw a preg lady infront of me saying how many weeks she is and i to would have been the same, some days are harder than others. sending you a big hug

~Belinda~ · January 31st, 2008, 07:10 PM

Abbey, firstly, my heart goes out to you and your loss. I am just so sorry you have to go through this. It's normal to feel the way you feel. I lost a Bub when I was 23 and I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I found it really emotional and had a curette and woke up afterward feeling so empty. But it does get better, with time. Time does heal and although you'll never forget your little creation, it will come back one day to you. It did with me...I now have Madeleine and she's a month old. Take each day as it comes and be strong, you will get through

**tempus moriendi** · February 1st, 2008, 04:49 AM

I am so sorry for your loss and your sadness. Sending a cyberhug. And your children were real people, just very little, and you have every right to grieve just like any other mother who has lost. You can always come here to share your grief because we've all been there. I'll keep you in my prayers.

**Abbey B** · February 2nd, 2008, 08:21 PM

thank you all for your kind words...

I would love to have another baby but my partner and i dont feel that we're quite ready (finacially) and i personally feel that if i did fall pregnant again so soon, it would just be like a "rebound baby" for lack of a better word. I know that when the time comes i will be ok its just hard at the moment...

**onemore** · February 2nd, 2008, 08:42 PM

Hey Abbey,
so sorry for your loss, please take all the time you need as there is no (timeframe) when it comes to loosing your little one. I had a missed miscarriage back in Nov and as every one else has said it will get easier with time, but you will have some bad days.
Be kind to yourself..

**Abbey B** · February 11th, 2008, 10:03 PM

xmuginsx. i know that feeling. The day after i miscarried i just needed to get out of the house so my partner and i took our dogs (afghan hounds) out for a walk. Not even 50m down the road, on of DH parents friends came out smoking.. She was pregnant too. I couldnt take it. Inside i was screaming out "why?!" why cant i have a baby and she can? I dont smoke, i dont drink, i dont do drugs and yet she who is smoking so uncaringly gets to have what will probably be a healthy baby?? but because of who i am, i just stood there and was polite. I dont understand how that happens, why cant i have a baby?

On another note, i have a strong feeling tomorrow will be a bad day for me. I would have been 19wks.. *sigh* i know i have to try and think of the positives on days like that but i just know its going to be hard

**Brockstar** · February 12th, 2008, 10:48 AM

Hi Abbey
I hope that your '19wks' day wasn't too painful and that you got thru it OK. (I was supposed to be 12wks yesterday

)
These things are sent to test us, and as you have said before, when our time comes to have another baby, we will be SO READY for it.
Every night when I go to sleep I say to myself 'a mother never forgets'. It hurts like hell, but it is so true.
Hugs to you and I'm happy for you that you are having more good days. That puts a smile on my face and hope in my heart.

**Abbey B** · February 12th, 2008, 07:39 PM

why???????? why do people have to be so insensitive!?!

I was talking to one of my friends tonight and (i dont know if its true cause she is known for lying..) but she told me that she had an abortion and was really drepressed over it.. She knew that i had miscarried and was carrying on about her like it was the end on the world. And i can understand where she is coming from in terms of what she's feeling. BUT she has just basically abused me for judging her and saying that her experience doesnt hurt less. I was only trying to explain that there is a difference between an abortion and a miscarriage because you have control over an abortion.

This is what our conversation was like..

Her: i regret it, but it was the best thing to do
Me: abortion is not the same thing.. kinda.. you had a choice, i didnt..
Her: yeh doesnt mean it hurts any less
Me: mmm
Her: abbey dont you f*#king dare.
Me: What? What did i do?? abortion is sad, its hard and its hurts but a miscarriage is something you have no control over. You have to watch your baby disappear like a common period and theres nothing in the world you can do to stop it. and because you have no control, you are left with guilt and anger and sadness that no one can even comprehend.. You get that with abortion too but at least an abortion you can control, even if someone is making you do it..
Her: dont f#*king act like you have any idea what its like to go through what i have, you have no f*#king idea, no idea..

Do i have a right to be angry? I dont know if im affected more because today is another milestone for me or just because she is really not trying to listen.. I just dont know anymore..