The hardest thing.

[Missy_Moo]

This feels so insensitive to write this here.

I didn't miscarriage, nor have a stillborn baby.

Last Wednesday I terminated my pregnancy at 12 weeks, and 1 day.

The reason for my termination is an ongoing medical condition from my first pregnancy. I was told that continuing the pregnancy wouldn't be viable, for me or the baby. I feel so guilty about it, but I feel that endagering myself is irresponsible to my 10month old DD.

To make matters worse, I could not tell the truth to people, my family and friends. I couldn't bare to tell them I was terminating, so I told them I had a miscarriage and was having a D&C, which was quite believable because it was done in hospital due to my high risk, and need for medical supervision to manage my medication post-op.

Today, I am back at work, and the guilt of terminating, and lying is getting to me. I feel so empty, hopeless and dirty. I feel like I am pathetic for not being able to carry a child, and weak for not being able to tell anyone. I feel alone, because no-one but me and my doctors know the truth.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

[saslia]

[NaeNae]

I am sorry you have had to go through that

[*Efjay*]

I was told that continuing the pregnancy wouldn't be viable, for me or the baby.

Don't feel guilty.

[Arimeh]

I think you are very brave to have made that hard decision to terminate. To terminate or to miscarriage naturally - its still taking away hopes and dreams you had.

xoxoxox

Go easy on yourself. Take the time to grieve about your baby.

and to you.

[chepie]

Firstly hun I just wanted to say that I am ever so sorry for your loss .... It couldn't have been an easy decision to make but you had no choice, so please don't be angry at yourself ..... Give yourself time to heal and then, just may be you might feel that you can talk to your family or friends about it- They won't judge you they will support you and your family .... Have you been offered any counseling ? May be that some thing to thing about to help you get through this tough time.


Hugs hun xxxxxx

[Rommy'sMummy]

Well done for coming in here and telling other women about what you are going through.

I think you have done a very hard and very gutsy thing. Let me tell you my story so I can tell you why I think you have made a hard decision and one that I can appreciate.

When I was 20 weeks preg with our first child I was told about his very significant level of heart disease (his heart didn't form properly in my womb). We were offered a termination then and again by two other doctors at 22 weeks. His chances of survival were not good and he had a lot of surgery to get through before a life of limited physical capacity and a lifespan much shorter than any mother wants for her baby. We went ahead as at least he would have a life we could make happy. Very long story short and fast forward to 6 weeks old. After much surgery, horrid complications and a very small and sick baby we were told that he was going to die. My guilt was huge that I had brought him into the world because I was not brave enough to terminate at 20 wks and that because of me he was now going to die from horrid complications and in pain having never been outside a hospital. He didn't and we eventually brought him home, he needs a heart-lung transplant after many surgeries.

My point is that we all suffer mother guilt. When we grow babies that cant live outside the womb or are so badly formed that they need huge amounts of intervention our guilt is mountainous. It has been for me anyway. I always assumed I would make big, happy babies. I never imagined it would be any other way. Why would I?

I just wanted to say that you have been very courageous and I agree with others here that you need to give yourself time to grieve and recognize that you didn't actually have a choice.

I hope you can find peace in time.

Rachel

[kristi14]

Big

[diannescruffy]

Big to you, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can understand totally how hard this decision was for you, 3yrs ago I was in the same position my baby had a condition not compatible with life. You did the best thing you could at the time. Your precious little angel is now in peace and not suffering. Please take day by day and grieve for your baby. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne

[Winston]

hi,
you made an incredibly hard decision and I have the upmost respect for that. you are griveing for a baby and so am I. I had an early miscarriage, and that is so different that i can't imagine what you are going through, but I was seriously considering termination and I understand even the smallest level of that experience. Nooone here judges you and it is a fantstic place for love and support, at least that is what i have found in my experiences. After my 'loss' i have to believe that when the time is right my little soul will come back to me, if that is never possible then i will see them elsewhere and we will be together. Bask in the love of your little girl and be well, hopefully with time your heart will heal, but you, or I, need never forget. I just think often we can be so hard on ourselves, when we make the best decisions we can with the information we have available. Love and hugs and bubbles, and most of all strength. The women here are amazing and I hope you find the support you need to begin to feel strong again. xx

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

hun, you have every right to mourn and grieve as women who had miscarriages and stillbirths. You didn't have a termination because you didn't want your baby, you did it because it was the best thing for you, your angel and your DD. You have nothing to feel guilty about! It's not your fault that your angel couldn't be born. Lying about it is completely understandable as well, in case people don't understand. Please don't feel guilty!

[Missy_Moo]

Thank you all for your kind words. Things feel like they're getting worse, I can;t contol my grief. I just am so lost and guilty.

Thanks you all anyway.

[diannescruffy]

Hun, I really feel for you. I know it's easy for me to say don't feel guilty, I think it's a natural thing to feel but please know that it does get easier in time. If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me anytime.

Regards,
Dianne

[Berry1]

Hun, doctors don't say things like that if they are not 100% sure, its sounds to me like you didn't really have a choice and made the most humane choice for your baby. It's a horrible situation to be put in and completely unfair, but please don't blame yourself for some you had no control over. I really advise speaking to a councillor, I have heard that SIDS also deal with these types of cases, but some of the other girls may suggest another org.

Please take care of yourself

[tellytubby]

Big hugs! I can only imaging how hard that decision would have been. But if i were in your shoes i would have done the exact same thing. Including telling ppl i had a miscarriage. Don't feel guilty, you did what was best for your family. You have a DD and DH to consider.
I hope you begin to heal, and that you will soon be blessed with a healthy pregnancy.

love tellytubby

[Missy_Moo]

Thank you all for your understanding. I appreciate it.