The hardest thing.

**Missy_Moo** · March 2nd, 2009, 02:55 PM

This feels so insensitive to write this here.

I didn't miscarriage, nor have a stillborn baby.

Last Wednesday I terminated my pregnancy at 12 weeks, and 1 day.

The reason for my termination is an ongoing medical condition from my first pregnancy. I was told that continuing the pregnancy wouldn't be viable, for me or the baby. I feel so guilty about it, but I feel that endagering myself is irresponsible to my 10month old DD.

To make matters worse, I could not tell the truth to people, my family and friends. I couldn't bare to tell them I was terminating, so I told them I had a miscarriage and was having a D&C, which was quite believable because it was done in hospital due to my high risk, and need for medical supervision to manage my medication post-op.

Today, I am back at work, and the guilt of terminating, and lying is getting to me. I feel so empty, hopeless and dirty. I feel like I am pathetic for not being able to carry a child, and weak for not being able to tell anyone. I feel alone, because no-one but me and my doctors know the truth.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

**saslia** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:00 PM

**NaeNae** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:08 PM

I am sorry you have had to go through that

***Efjay*** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:11 PM

I was told that continuing the pregnancy wouldn't be viable, for me or the baby.

Don't feel guilty.

**Arimeh** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:12 PM

I think you are very brave to have made that hard decision to terminate. To terminate or to miscarriage naturally - its still taking away hopes and dreams you had.

xoxoxox

Go easy on yourself. Take the time to grieve about your baby.

and

to you.

**chepie** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:46 PM

Firstly hun I just wanted to say that I am ever so sorry for your loss .... It couldn't have been an easy decision to make but you had no choice, so please don't be angry at yourself ..... Give yourself time to heal and then, just may be you might feel that you can talk to your family or friends about it- They won't judge you they will support you and your family .... Have you been offered any counseling ? May be that some thing to thing about to help you get through this tough time.

Hugs hun xxxxxx

**Rommy'sMummy** · March 2nd, 2009, 03:56 PM

Well done for coming in here and telling other women about what you are going through.

I think you have done a very hard and very gutsy thing. Let me tell you my story so I can tell you why I think you have made a hard decision and one that I can appreciate.

When I was 20 weeks preg with our first child I was told about his very significant level of heart disease (his heart didn't form properly in my womb). We were offered a termination then and again by two other doctors at 22 weeks. His chances of survival were not good and he had a lot of surgery to get through before a life of limited physical capacity and a lifespan much shorter than any mother wants for her baby. We went ahead as at least he would have a life we could make happy. Very long story short and fast forward to 6 weeks old. After much surgery, horrid complications and a very small and sick baby we were told that he was going to die. My guilt was huge that I had brought him into the world because I was not brave enough to terminate at 20 wks and that because of me he was now going to die from horrid complications and in pain having never been outside a hospital. He didn't and we eventually brought him home, he needs a heart-lung transplant after many surgeries.

My point is that we all suffer mother guilt. When we grow babies that cant live outside the womb or are so badly formed that they need huge amounts of intervention our guilt is mountainous. It has been for me anyway. I always assumed I would make big, happy babies. I never imagined it would be any other way. Why would I?

I just wanted to say that you have been very courageous and I agree with others here that you need to give yourself time to grieve and recognize that you didn't actually have a choice.

I hope you can find peace in time.

Rachel

**kristi14** · March 2nd, 2009, 04:14 PM

Big

**diannescruffy** · March 2nd, 2009, 04:24 PM

Big

to you, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can understand totally how hard this decision was for you, 3yrs ago I was in the same position my baby had a condition not compatible with life. You did the best thing you could at the time. Your precious little angel is now in peace and not suffering. Please take day by day and grieve for your baby. Take care.

Regards,
Dianne

**Winston** · March 2nd, 2009, 11:02 PM

hi,
you made an incredibly hard decision and I have the upmost respect for that. you are griveing for a baby and so am I. I had an early miscarriage, and that is so different that i can't imagine what you are going through, but I was seriously considering termination and I understand even the smallest level of that experience. Nooone here judges you and it is a fantstic place for love and support, at least that is what i have found in my experiences. After my 'loss' i have to believe that when the time is right my little soul will come back to me, if that is never possible then i will see them elsewhere and we will be together. Bask in the love of your little girl and be well, hopefully with time your heart will heal, but you, or I, need never forget. I just think often we can be so hard on ourselves, when we make the best decisions we can with the information we have available. Love and hugs and bubbles, and most of all strength. The women here are amazing and I hope you find the support you need to begin to feel strong again. xx

**Neenee Jellybeanie** · March 3rd, 2009, 12:30 AM

hun, you have every right to mourn and grieve as women who had miscarriages and stillbirths. You didn't have a termination because you didn't want your baby, you did it because it was the best thing for you, your angel and your DD. You have nothing to feel guilty about! It's not your fault that your angel couldn't be born. Lying about it is completely understandable as well, in case people don't understand. Please don't feel guilty!

**Missy_Moo** · March 3rd, 2009, 11:49 AM

Thank you all for your kind words. Things feel like they're getting worse, I can;t contol my grief. I just am so lost and guilty.

Thanks you all anyway.

**diannescruffy** · March 3rd, 2009, 12:52 PM

Hun, I really feel for you. I know it's easy for me to say don't feel guilty, I think it's a natural thing to feel but please know that it does get easier in time. If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me anytime.

Regards,
Dianne

**Berry1** · March 3rd, 2009, 08:06 PM

Hun, doctors don't say things like that if they are not 100% sure, its sounds to me like you didn't really have a choice and made the most humane choice for your baby. It's a horrible situation to be put in and completely unfair, but please don't blame yourself for some you had no control over. I really advise speaking to a councillor, I have heard that SIDS also deal with these types of cases, but some of the other girls may suggest another org.

Please take care of yourself

**Miss.B** · March 3rd, 2009, 08:49 PM

Oh hun, I am so so sorry you've had to make such a heart breaking decision for you and your baby. I must say, I always said that if there was anything wrong with my baby so his or her quality of life was greatly compromised, I would do the same as you. I think women should think of what the baby's life might be with terrible dissabilities and illnesses, and think less of their own 'needs'. It is the baby that ends up living with pain, which I think in turn would make us feel very guilty in the end.
You've made the right choice hun, you are a truly brave and strong lady.
I would also recommend councelling too, I'm still going to mine after almost 6 months and it's helping me to move on and deal with my loss.
Many hugs hun

Beata xxx

**Jahzara** · March 3rd, 2009, 09:51 PM

I am so sorry that you have had to go through such a heart breaking time.

Please look after yourself and take the time you need to grieve.

You made the best decision for you given the information you had.

xxxx

**Jaycee** · March 4th, 2009, 09:32 AM

I am so very sorry you have had to go through this.
I think you are so brave and selfless for making what must of been one of the hardest decisions of your life. You did it for your little girl and put her needs ahead of your own - that makes you an absolutely fantastic mother!

**NaeNae** · March 4th, 2009, 05:56 PM

I wanted to pm you but for some reason couldn't so I will just post this anyway.

Part and parcel of being a good mother is knowing when to let go. It is the hardest thing to do and the guilt and grief can be overbearing.

Our circumstances are different but I wanted to share this with you, we switched off our little girls life support when she became very sick. No matter how we felt all we have ever wanted is to provide our children with a good quality of life. She was not going to get this and the treatments were not helping, prolonging her suffering would have been selfish.

Everyday I look at her picture and know that we did the very best we could under the circumstances. I often wish we had have acted sooner so she was not subjected to what she was.

You did the right thing for you and your baby.

If things get too tough, seek help - professional help. There are many support groups out there professionals trained to help guide you through this.

Be kind to yourself

Nae x

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