i cant beleive i am here

**~MummaBear~** · October 1st, 2009, 10:30 AM

im not sure if this is the right place so please let me know..

On tuesday the 29/09 i went to have my anatomy scan, i had a
scan exactly 2 weeks before and my little peanut was perfect.. i went to my anatomy scan thinking all i had to think about was if my baby was a boy or a girl.. this was my 4th pregnancy, i have 3 healthy children, nothing can go wrong

well there was no heart beat, my baby's little heart had stopped the day before..

I gave birth to my beautiful angle baby yesterday at 17 weeks and 5 days , everything was perfect.. my baby has little fingers and toes with little nails and everything

I just want to know how this could happen.. it all just sucks

**diannescruffy** · October 1st, 2009, 10:37 AM

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious angel, big

to you. It's not fair losing a baby, just remember your angel will always be close to your heart, hang on to those memories tightly. Take day by day and give yourself time to heal. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks
Trisomy 13

**Twin Sister** · October 1st, 2009, 10:56 AM

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm heartbroken for you. Be sure to take extra good care of yourself while you take time to heal.

**Elocin** · October 2nd, 2009, 07:12 AM

I am so sorry for your loss

**~MummaBear~** · October 2nd, 2009, 10:25 AM

thank you for your thoughts girls..

it still just doesnt feel real, like i am going to wake up and it will all be over..
and yet i feel so empty at the same time.

it is really hard to explain to the other kids too, they dont understand why their baby wont be coming home, all they want to do is hold their bubba.

**diannescruffy** · October 2nd, 2009, 10:29 AM

It is devastating for the children too. My DD cried for weeks, every night she would talk to my belly and kiss bubba good night. When I came home from hospital she couldn't understand why I didn't bring our baby home. I found being open with them about Emmanuels death helped and answering their questions even though it brought me to tears every time.

Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping @24wks

Trisomy 13

**~MummaBear~** · October 2nd, 2009, 10:58 AM

I just cant be honest with them mainly because we have no idea what happened yet and the boys are only 5 and 3 and my little girl is only 21 months.. they do still kiss my belly and they just dont get that Bubba will not be coming home. I have explained that bub is in heaven and that heaven is a great place for a baby to be and now my 3 year old wants to go live in heaven too..

and it is hard that i am still in pysical pain too.. i just didnt expect it to be a normal labour,
i know it will get easier eventually but it just feels like our lives will never be normal again.

**zstar** · October 2nd, 2009, 11:13 AM

i am so sorry for your loss. i just can't imagine what you are going through. my brother lost his baby boy at 24 weeks and he will be in our hearts forever. i just want you to know i am thinking of you. it is my worst nightmare for that to happen. you are so excited for the scan and then your world crashes down. take care.

**craftymummy9** · October 2nd, 2009, 11:13 AM

SO SORRY mummyof4

I am sending you a big

you must be so devestated after seeing a heart beat the other week, we are all here to give you suport through this sad time.
I hope your pains will not last too much longer mine lasted about 48 hrs after my miscarriage but I had to keep taking pain killers for about a week until I was pain free, when you have had a few children your womb has a bit more work to do to get back to normal so hang in there its natures way of making sure you can try again one day.

Try to get some rest and put your thoughts on here there is always someone willing to listen and help in this emotional time you are going through if it wasn't for this forum I would not feel as strong as I do today only 4wks since my loss so keep in touch and don't be too hard on yourself

**Butterfly Child** · October 2nd, 2009, 11:22 AM

am so sorry for your loss

**~MummaBear~** · October 4th, 2009, 10:13 AM

thank you so much for all your kind words, it really seems to make it that little bit easier to know that how i m feeling is normal, and other people have been through the same thing.
My physical pain has started to ease altho my milk come in yesterday so that is hurting quite a bit
I just have trouble now dealing with the fact that we have to move on, i have 3 other kids here that i have to get up and look after, i have to clean the house and i have to go shopping, but i feel guilty that i am even thinking of doing something other than sitting here looking at photos of my angel and crying, i still want to do taht but i need to be there for my 3 other children. just feel so torn between my grief and my life that i need to live

i also thought the hardest thing i would deal with now would be everyone asking questions, but its not, people are avoiding it. no one talks about my angel, it is as if bubba never existed and that hurts alot

**blessedatlast** · October 4th, 2009, 10:38 AM

I am so sorry for your loss mummyof4.. I know how hard it is when people don't acknowledge your baby.. It's because they don't know what to say, so sometimes think its better to say nothing..

I have been through losing my babies and it is still hard to know what to say because you know that nothing can take away the pain.. Just try and let yourself grieve the way you need to and know you are not alone in this horrid journey..

**Celsie** · October 4th, 2009, 11:53 AM

i also thought the hardest thing i would deal with now would be everyone asking questions, but its not, people are avoiding it. no one talks about my angel, it is as if bubba never existed and that hurts alot

Firstly, I am so sorry and saddened to hear that your precious little one has passed. I've never lost a baby, but I lost my brother Matthew, in a car accident 10 years ago. People would either avoid mentioning him which hurt so much, or they'd start to talk about him and then they'd stop and apologise for mentioning his name, which was worse! People who have never experienced loss don't know how to act, or what to say, so don't take it personally. They think that if they mention your angel, it will make you feel worse than you already do.

I know your heart must be aching so much right now, but I want you to know that the pain does ease. It won't always hurt this much. But, until that day comes, be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. Perhaps plant a special tree in your backyard in memory of your little one? Let you children be a part too. I take my kids to my brother's headstone, where his ashes are. We say hello to Uncle Matt and give him a kiss (DS (who is only 2) kisses his fingers and puts it on Uncle Matt's photo). That way, he's still a part of our lives, and although deeply missed every day, he is dearly remembered and lives on in our hearts.

**Matthew's Mum** · October 4th, 2009, 07:13 PM

I'm very sorry for your families loss i have 3 living children as well and it has been hard on them too,each of them dealt/dealing with the loss differently.My son was 3 when we had our loss and he seemed/seem to get comfort from drawing pictures and putting them in Matthew's memory box also he blows kisses to his burial pot,maybe your children could blow kisses to heaven instead of your belly.It is so hard for them ,I tried to keep up with their normal activities such as dancing ,gymnastics and when they saw /see me crying told them i was sad about losing Matthew,but happy i didn't lose them.

**cheekyfrog** · October 4th, 2009, 08:33 PM

I'm so very sorry you have lost your baby, Mummyof4,

I hope that you can grieve the way you need to and that you can get some much needed support irl as well as in here. Sending you and your family big, big hugs and love.

Kerry

**~MummaBear~** · October 5th, 2009, 12:10 PM

We just found out for sure this morning that our little baby was a beautiful little girl
we have named her Kyarna. we were also told that she was 26cm long and weighed 135g! apparently that is very tall!!

we still need to wait a few more weeks for the rest of our results but it has made it nice to be able to give Kyarna a name and not call her bub or it anymore