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Thread: I dont know what to do...

  1. #1

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    Unhappy I dont know what to do...

    On the 1st july 07 i discovered i was pregnant. I was shocked but over the moon. My husband to be however wasnt. He initially told me to have an abortion because we were too young (17 for me at the time and him 20). So i stressed for a week or two until the scan and i showed him the picture, to which then he was overjoyed. At a another scan (around 8 weeks) i found i was expecting twins. So we started planning things out, i already had enough money for them both id saved up for a motorcycle but i deemed this as a greater need. I start back at college after the break and a week or two in i become sick with Pluricy which really got me down. At 10 weeks i began getting lower back pain horrid period like cramps along with a lot of blood loss. So i make my way to the hospital and they told me that i had miscarried i was devastated. My Fiance cried at first then went all cold and now says he wants to wait a lot longer to have another. I however feel so empty and a yearning that cannot be suppressed. Yet when i tell anyone they say i am too young to be thinking like this and that i shouldnt be so sad at the loss of the twins. A month later and im still heartbroken and my fiance refuses to bring the subject up. I am at a complete loss and dont know how to cope. He expects me to be over it in 5 minutes like he was but i cant.


  2. #2

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    oh sweety. i am so sorry for your losses. take the time you need to grieve, and it will take time. you may want to think about counseling for you and your df. men grieve so differently than women, and sometimes we need to hear that from a third person. but please get the help and support you need, whatever that is. of course you are heartbroken, and you have every right to be. hugs to you.

  3. #3

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    Oh hun what a terrible loss you have both had to deal with. Men really do deal with loss differently to women. And it may seem that he has gotten over it in 5 minutes but i truly doubt that he has grieved properly. Is it possible that he doesnt want to try again for fear of seeing you go through so much pain again. I saw my DH's reaction to the loss of our two angels as harsh, and not caring at all. But in reality, it was the fact that he did care so much and that he felt he had to be strong for me and that if we didnt concieve again, then he would not have to take the chance of seeing me in so much pain and disspair.
    You are young, but that does not mean that you shoudnt be sad and that you shouldnt grieve, you wont be able to move on until you have completly dealt with your loss. Counciling is a really good idea, for both of you. The hospital is meant to provide this for you when you m/c, so please ring them and ask.

    hugs
    treelo

  4. #4

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    It doesn't matter what age you are and whether your pregnancy was planned or not, it is heartbreaking to lose your babies...especially if you have started to make plans because you also lose your hopes and dreams for them. And yes, men do grieve differently. I had my 2nd M/C 5 weeks ago and it felt as if my DH had already forgotten about it - but he hasn't. Just this morning, he was saying that it has all just hit him and he feels very sad.

    Take the time to grieve - if you can't share it with your finance, share it with a trusted friend or the supportive women on this board.

    Take care

  5. #5

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    Unfortunately, people can be really heartless--imagine, telling you you shouldn't be sad! How ridiculous. Right now you need to take good care of yourself and find the emotional support you need during this difficult time. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  6. #6

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    Be whatever you need to be...your loss is REAL and it HURTS...and no one has the right to tell you WHEN you should stop grieving...I don't think I'll ever 'get over it'...it's a part of who I am now. BB is a wonderful place for support so hang around and let us look after you. There's so many of us who have lost our precious babies and truely understand your heartbreak...we're all here for you...take care xxx

  7. #7

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    Oh honey i am so sorry for the loss of your babies sending big hugs to you it is horrible feeling you are alone but dont we are all hear for you to talk to and all the girls are right men deal with grief so different to us girls i lost my angel at 23 wks and my dh did cry at the time and a week after giving birth i was still crying allt he time and he turned round and said ( why you still crying you shouldnt be crying about it now ) i thought who is this man and why did i marry such an insensitive person but it was all because he was hurting as well i think he was angry at the fact we lost our little girl and there was nothing we could do and to see me go through the birth of a stillborn and the all the heartache was hard for him to deal with. also i wanted to start trying straght away but he didnt and in the end he said he was scared of it all happening all over again so i think the best thing is just give you DP time and he will talk just tell him how you feel honey and if it doesnt work councelling is a good idea as that has helped me so much. And as to your age that doesnt come into it you have still lost your babies and i think when loosing a baby the one thing you want more than anything is another baby take care honey keep us updated on how you getting on.

    Munchy xxx

  8. #8
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    i am so sorry to hear of your loss. be kind to yourself and take the time to grieve properly. if you need to see someone about the pain you are feeling, it may help you a lot so don't hesitate.

    hugs to you xx

  9. #9

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    thanks, its just hard, i seem to think of all the what if's. Yet he wants to wait a long time in my eyes to try again which isnt fair its kind of heartbreaking when the one you love doesnt understand how you feel kind of. Or he does and hes not showing it

  10. #10

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    Take it one day at a time. The first order of business is to get YOU well again.

  11. #11

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    hes starting to understand how i feel a bit more, now he is willing not to try again now, but try again when i finish my college course and apply for my US citizenship well get the ball rolling on it really, it takes ten years

  12. #12
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    if he is not ready to have a baby at the moment, all you can do is try and get on with things. it's a fantastic journey when you both are ready and decide together to have a bub. however in saying that, i am sure there are many people out there that are not ready and still have a bub and are more than happy and thrilled to become parents.

    it sounds like you really love each other though so wait until you get through it and perhaps look at trying again down the track. hugs to you xxx

  13. #13

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    yeah i guess i cant change his mind though i really wish that i could. We do really love each other and out relationship at the start was long distance too so we have been through some tough times. Its just the way he sounds sometimes it sounds like he doesnt want to try again.

  14. #14

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    He may be suffering more than he lets on and he may be trying to spare you...

  15. #15
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    Sara, just take time to grieve. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I'm just so sorry to hear of your loss

  16. #16
    bekyj2 Guest

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    hey mrsaznrabbit i am sorry to hear bout you loss....
    i lost twins to my ex in 2006, and this year i lost a suspected baby girl to my gorgeous boyfreind... at the first idea when i told my partner he was more worried about wat his family mite think than my health and wat we should be doing... then i told him that i had miscarried and he was totally ther for me, but now he doesnt really like to talk bout it when i told people about my first misscarage alot of people told dont even think about... with bubs number 2 alot of people where sadden because it had happned again and i was alot more mature... u r there one who knows if u r ready to be a mum.... i am here if u if u want to chat. take care of urself and no that everyone here on BB is here to listen and talk to.


    Me 17 Partner 18

    kate and tyson 15th of march 2006 8 w 4 d
    Hydie 18th of sep 2007 5 w 5 d

  17. #17

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    I'm so sorry for your loss honey I think a m/c is one of the hardest things to go through, especially since you lost your twins. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. I too had a m/c 5weeks ago and my heart is still so heavy and sad
    In regards to you being young, no one has the right to judge you on that. Just because you're young doesn't mean you should be any less upset about your loss! I think thats disgusting that anyone would dudge you like that. You have every right to grieve and mourn your loss. I too am a young mum. I had my first baby at 21 and although thats a little older than you, i still got a lot of dissaproving looks and comments from people.
    Nothing i say will make what you are going through any easier, i too an still very confused and hurt. It's especially hard when your partner doesn't really want to talk about it. The m/c turned my husband off wanting to try again, i think seeing me in pain was too much for him to take and the thought of it happening again is too scary for him. Men also grieve alot differently. I think because it isn't physically happening to them then they find it hard to connect to the loss. Whereas us women have the emotional pain and the physical pain to deal with.
    All i can say is that you're not walking this road alone. The other ladies here are so lovely and are always there to listen. I posted my story here the other day (miscarriage at 6 weeks, where to now?) and i've recieved such a positive response and lots of support.
    Take care of yourself. I'm praying and thinking of you xoxo

  18. #18

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    thanks becky and lesty, i think thats whats wrong with my DF. He told me last night he has mixed feelings, one part of him wants to have a baby with me right now, the other wants to wait a while. The reason is he wants to be there for me all the way and he doesnt want us to be like his parents. He told me how his mom heavily pregnant would stand out in the rain waiting for the bus because they couldnt afford to keep a car running and he doesnt want that. I can understand that, i do but it doesnt help the pain or make it easier especially when it seems everybody you know is having babies.

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