its been 3 months and i still cry

[kelli07]

This is the first time ive ever sought help from an online sight. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of last October. I'm not married or engaged so both my and his families were completely against the pregnancy from the get go. his family was so ashamed of us that they didnt even tell his grandparents and his mom actually called me and told me not to spread the bad news to anyone that will tell any of his family. My family did not want anything to do with me until they found out he hit me one night and then they only made things worse.

i was salutatorian in high school. i just graduated last year and i have a full ride to a local college so when i found out i was scared and depressed for the first month or so. then in November i had my first sonogram and saw the fetal pole and everything changed. I was so excited!! i couldnt wait to be a mommy. my best friend from high school had just had a baby so i couldnt wait to schedule play dates and other fun things together.

About a week after I found out my due date another woman i work with announced she was pregnant and her due date was only 3 days after mine. we were so excited about having each other to go through our pregnancies with. she had told me earlier that month that she has lost 7 babies in 6 miscarriages so we talked about it a lot.

On december 5 i had an appointment with my ob and he said everything was great. on december 9 i started spotting and went to the er after much discouragement from my mother. on december 10 i found out i had lost the baby at 10 weeks. on the 11th i was in pre-op and on the 12th i had a d & c.

My boyfriend said its probably for the best. my mother said "you can focus on school now and make something of yourself again"
my father said (in tears) "Im so glad i got my little girl back"
my sister who has a 2 year old said "well you still have your niece"
and this is what hurt me the most, my best friend said "well i dont know what to tell you, i had my daughter with no complications and if it bothers you to talk about it then why do you??"

Ive had so many people tell me "look on the bright side, you didnt have to bury a baby, you didnt know the sex of it and you werent that attached"

I have to work everyday and look at the woman who is as far along as i should be. i know shes been through what im going through many times but i still cant be happy for her or talk to her.

its been three months since my surgery and i still sit and cry for no reason at times. i cant look at a baby without tearing up. im seriously startin to believe everyone around me when they say im crazy and need to get over it.

i cant help it though. somedays im perfectly fine, other days i dont know what to do with myself.. i feel like im doing this by myself....

[Rumpleteaser]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You have the right to morn the passing of your baby and time will make things easier. Many of us have had a m/c at some time in our life so we can understand what you are going through. I know for sometime after my loss I was resenting everone who fell PG, there have been at least 6 ppl. That was untill one of my collegues had a loss at 18 weeks. I then realised how lucky I had been, dispite my loss. I don't know how I would have coped in her shoes.
Oneday, when the time is right, it will happen again for you. You must heal from this hurt first though. I have dealt with it by making my angel baby my gardian angel. I don't know if it was a he or a she, but I know they are watching over me.
As hard as it might be, you must push on, make a good stable life for the children you will have oneday, it will happen. Take care.

[~Belinda~]

Kelli, I really feel for you and am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have had no support for this terrible thing that happened to you. Shame on your family and friends who didn't support your decision to have this baby and those who thought it was "for the best".

I lost a baby years ago, I was only about 8 weeks pregnant at the time. Although it was so hard at the time, I look back now and know it happened for a reason. I was crying for months after I lost my first but he/she was always with me in spirit. I have since had a little girl and her name is Madeleine. She's only a couple of months old now. She is an angel and I believe the spirit of my unborn child came back to me through her. I have also been told this by a very good psychic I have been seeing for years. You will have another Bub in the future, just live with that hope and know that he/she will be beautiful!

I do realise this is hard to digest at the moment but can I suggest you go and see someone if you don't feel you can talk to your friends and family? Sometimes it helps talking to a total stranger and getting all of that emotion out.

My heart is with you and I really feel for you at this time. I hope you stay positive and keep a smile on your face and focus on all the other great things you have in your life.

Take care.

xx

[Willow]

I'm so sorry for your loss

It's been 2 years for me and I've had another beautiful baby since, but I still cry too, so 3 months is nothing. It's still so raw.It's a heartbreaking thing to live through with support, but it sounds like you don't have much at all!

I gather from your post that you're in the United States? Do you have a local organisation for grieving mothers? There are organisations like SIDS & Kids here in Australia that run support groups and offer counselling etc to mums that have lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS etc.

Maybe you could speak to your local dr or hospital and they could put you in touch with an organisation like this? It sounds like you need some support to help get you through the grief process and if you aren't getting it from family and friends, a group like this could really help.

Another great place is right here! The woman in this forum are fantastic, understand what you are feeling and helped me through some really dark days.

[mollycat]

Hi Kelli, i'm so sorry for your loss, there is no set time for how long to grieve, no set way to grieve and it's sad for you that the support you need is not there. Talk to your local doctor or hospital and find out some places that you can talk to, or the women and men on this site are great at being a sounding board, they're always very supportive.
I lost my baby when i m/c at 8weeks. This was a much wanted baby, we had tried for 10years to conceive, in sept 07, our very dear friend was killed, then a month later i found out i was pg, this was like a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, this baby would have been one very special child (not that others aren't because all children are very special) because of the death of our friend. In nov 07, (one day after my dad's 80th) b'day, i m/c our very special baby. 4 months later i still have moments that i cry for no reason. I run a day care service and two of my clients are pg, i can't avoid that in this type of environment, one is due a few weeks ahead of when I was, it's very hard watching her belly grow and listen to her talk about her pregnancy, although i'm happy for her, i'm sad for me at the same time, the other i just kind of ignore anything she mentions about her pregnancy, because that's the only way i can get past it, when i'm ready i will acknowledge her pregnancy and i still treat her the same as i always have and look after her little boy that same way, i just do what i have to, to get through.

At some point you will have a little baby, in the meantime go easy on yourself, give yourself time to grieve, it's okay to cry and it's okay to laugh. Remember you can come here at any time and talk about what you are up to.

[kelli07]

it helps a lot to know that there are other people going through the same thing i am. the only person i know that has lost a baby is the woman i work with and i cant even stand looking at her let alone talk to her. at work when we sit in the break room everyone avoids talking about her being pregnant. at times ill walk into a room and it will go silent and i know why they arent talking anymore and it makes me so mad but then at other times i walk into the room and other co workers are rubbing her belly and dont stop when they see me and that too makes me so mad. i cant go to my friends house because i cant look at her 1 year old without getting upset. i never wanted to get pregnant but now that im not thats all i think about which i know is the wrong way to deal but i cant help it. its been 3 months and im still down and depressed.

[snowie]

I just wanted to send lots of :hugs: :hugs:
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's even harder when those around you make really unsupportive comments about how you should feel after a loss. I have found online communties such as BB very supportive after my losses. I also found that having my own private memorial for my angels helped me very much.

There is no way you are crazy, you will never 'get over' the loss of your child. You are grieving, just because you never met your child doesn't make the pain any less. Are there any loss support services in your area that you could contact?

I hope that one day you find peace and when you are ready have a sweet little bundle of joy of your own.