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Thread: its been 3 months and i still cry

  1. #1
    kelli07 Guest

    Unhappy its been 3 months and i still cry

    This is the first time ive ever sought help from an online sight. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of last October. I'm not married or engaged so both my and his families were completely against the pregnancy from the get go. his family was so ashamed of us that they didnt even tell his grandparents and his mom actually called me and told me not to spread the bad news to anyone that will tell any of his family. My family did not want anything to do with me until they found out he hit me one night and then they only made things worse.

    i was salutatorian in high school. i just graduated last year and i have a full ride to a local college so when i found out i was scared and depressed for the first month or so. then in November i had my first sonogram and saw the fetal pole and everything changed. I was so excited!! i couldnt wait to be a mommy. my best friend from high school had just had a baby so i couldnt wait to schedule play dates and other fun things together.

    About a week after I found out my due date another woman i work with announced she was pregnant and her due date was only 3 days after mine. we were so excited about having each other to go through our pregnancies with. she had told me earlier that month that she has lost 7 babies in 6 miscarriages so we talked about it a lot.

    On december 5 i had an appointment with my ob and he said everything was great. on december 9 i started spotting and went to the er after much discouragement from my mother. on december 10 i found out i had lost the baby at 10 weeks. on the 11th i was in pre-op and on the 12th i had a d & c.

    My boyfriend said its probably for the best. my mother said "you can focus on school now and make something of yourself again"
    my father said (in tears) "Im so glad i got my little girl back"
    my sister who has a 2 year old said "well you still have your niece"
    and this is what hurt me the most, my best friend said "well i dont know what to tell you, i had my daughter with no complications and if it bothers you to talk about it then why do you??"

    Ive had so many people tell me "look on the bright side, you didnt have to bury a baby, you didnt know the sex of it and you werent that attached"

    I have to work everyday and look at the woman who is as far along as i should be. i know shes been through what im going through many times but i still cant be happy for her or talk to her.

    its been three months since my surgery and i still sit and cry for no reason at times. i cant look at a baby without tearing up. im seriously startin to believe everyone around me when they say im crazy and need to get over it.



    i cant help it though. somedays im perfectly fine, other days i dont know what to do with myself.. i feel like im doing this by myself....
    Last edited by kelli07; March 16th, 2008 at 11:01 AM.

  2. #2

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. You have the right to morn the passing of your baby and time will make things easier. Many of us have had a m/c at some time in our life so we can understand what you are going through. I know for sometime after my loss I was resenting everone who fell PG, there have been at least 6 ppl. That was untill one of my collegues had a loss at 18 weeks. I then realised how lucky I had been, dispite my loss. I don't know how I would have coped in her shoes.
    Oneday, when the time is right, it will happen again for you. You must heal from this hurt first though. I have dealt with it by making my angel baby my gardian angel. I don't know if it was a he or a she, but I know they are watching over me.
    As hard as it might be, you must push on, make a good stable life for the children you will have oneday, it will happen. Take care.

  3. #3
    ~Belinda~ Guest

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    Kelli, I really feel for you and am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have had no support for this terrible thing that happened to you. Shame on your family and friends who didn't support your decision to have this baby and those who thought it was "for the best".

    I lost a baby years ago, I was only about 8 weeks pregnant at the time. Although it was so hard at the time, I look back now and know it happened for a reason. I was crying for months after I lost my first but he/she was always with me in spirit. I have since had a little girl and her name is Madeleine. She's only a couple of months old now. She is an angel and I believe the spirit of my unborn child came back to me through her. I have also been told this by a very good psychic I have been seeing for years. You will have another Bub in the future, just live with that hope and know that he/she will be beautiful!

    I do realise this is hard to digest at the moment but can I suggest you go and see someone if you don't feel you can talk to your friends and family? Sometimes it helps talking to a total stranger and getting all of that emotion out.

    My heart is with you and I really feel for you at this time. I hope you stay positive and keep a smile on your face and focus on all the other great things you have in your life.

    Take care.

    xx
    Last edited by ~Belinda~; March 16th, 2008 at 11:36 AM.

  4. #4

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    I'm so sorry for your loss

    It's been 2 years for me and I've had another beautiful baby since, but I still cry too, so 3 months is nothing. It's still so raw.It's a heartbreaking thing to live through with support, but it sounds like you don't have much at all!

    I gather from your post that you're in the United States? Do you have a local organisation for grieving mothers? There are organisations like SIDS & Kids here in Australia that run support groups and offer counselling etc to mums that have lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS etc.

    Maybe you could speak to your local dr or hospital and they could put you in touch with an organisation like this? It sounds like you need some support to help get you through the grief process and if you aren't getting it from family and friends, a group like this could really help.

    Another great place is right here! The woman in this forum are fantastic, understand what you are feeling and helped me through some really dark days.

  5. #5

    Join Date
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    Hi Kelli, i'm so sorry for your loss, there is no set time for how long to grieve, no set way to grieve and it's sad for you that the support you need is not there. Talk to your local doctor or hospital and find out some places that you can talk to, or the women and men on this site are great at being a sounding board, they're always very supportive.
    I lost my baby when i m/c at 8weeks. This was a much wanted baby, we had tried for 10years to conceive, in sept 07, our very dear friend was killed, then a month later i found out i was pg, this was like a light at the end of a very dark tunnel, this baby would have been one very special child (not that others aren't because all children are very special) because of the death of our friend. In nov 07, (one day after my dad's 80th) b'day, i m/c our very special baby. 4 months later i still have moments that i cry for no reason. I run a day care service and two of my clients are pg, i can't avoid that in this type of environment, one is due a few weeks ahead of when I was, it's very hard watching her belly grow and listen to her talk about her pregnancy, although i'm happy for her, i'm sad for me at the same time, the other i just kind of ignore anything she mentions about her pregnancy, because that's the only way i can get past it, when i'm ready i will acknowledge her pregnancy and i still treat her the same as i always have and look after her little boy that same way, i just do what i have to, to get through.

    At some point you will have a little baby, in the meantime go easy on yourself, give yourself time to grieve, it's okay to cry and it's okay to laugh. Remember you can come here at any time and talk about what you are up to.

  6. #6
    kelli07 Guest

    Default thank you so much for your comments

    it helps a lot to know that there are other people going through the same thing i am. the only person i know that has lost a baby is the woman i work with and i cant even stand looking at her let alone talk to her. at work when we sit in the break room everyone avoids talking about her being pregnant. at times ill walk into a room and it will go silent and i know why they arent talking anymore and it makes me so mad but then at other times i walk into the room and other co workers are rubbing her belly and dont stop when they see me and that too makes me so mad. i cant go to my friends house because i cant look at her 1 year old without getting upset. i never wanted to get pregnant but now that im not thats all i think about which i know is the wrong way to deal but i cant help it. its been 3 months and im still down and depressed.

  7. #7

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    Kell, honey, i am so sorry to hear that you are struggling - its so much worse when no-one understands!

    I know that with my second MC i would still be breaking down constntly (hey, i have ups and downs - some weeks i am so depressed, and some i gt kinda excited about looking toward the future) but i would not be strong enought o get through it if i didnt have counselling. So i really, really suggest you look into it - it helped me soooo much.

    Big hugs, try to keep yourself strong for the sake of that body of yours that wil one day carry a beautiful baby into life!

  8. #8
    kelli07 Guest

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    its hard because i feel guilty for even getting pregnant at 18 and unwed and i feel terrible because everyone around me has made me feel like i committed one of the biggest sins possible (my families exstremely religious), i feel guily for getting pregnant on accident at a young age when there are so many older women that are married with stable lives that are unable to conceive, then i feel relieved that i can finish college easier now, and i feel guilty for thinking that way. then im angry that as soon as i was starting to adjust to the fact that i was pregnant it was all taken away. im making myself worse by thinking about the one night i drank before i knew i was pregnant, all the cigarette smoke i was around before i knew, and all the stress i was under during. then im sad because i lost my baby. and im mad that i have to look at a coworker everyday with a constantly growing belly. then im depressed and feel like im alone. im also mad at myself for not being as strong as i should right now. on the other hand im happy i know my boyfriend and i both have the ability to make a baby (infertility is a big problem on one side of my family)...then im mad that it feels too surreal to even be true that i was pregnant three months ago. and now i feel like im insane for having all these feelings all at once....

  9. #9

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    kellie,
    its perfectly normal to be going through a whole different range of emotions at this time. I found out i was pg in October, and mc'd in december, so im at the same place as you are. I still cry most days. Especially when im around other pg people. My SIL announced she was pg just 2 days after my d&C, and she is 2 weeks behind where i would have been, so i have a very hard time thinking about her or being around her.
    I have found that coming here and venting has been so very helpful.
    Im so sorry that your family have not been very supportive, but the girls on here are all wonderful, so please use this as much as you need to.
    when you do fall pg again, ti will be extra special..thats what i tell myself!

  10. #10

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    kellio7,
    Don't be afraid to cry. It's been 8 years since I lost my prcious girls and I still cry sometimes. It does get easier but it doesn't ever go away.

    Big hugs to you,
    Debbie

  11. #11

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    Kell honey sending you big i am so sorry to hear what you are going through honey i feally feel for you i no its hard but try to stop blaming yourself you have done nothing wrong so you made a mistake everyone does in there lifetime i fell pregnant at 18 and had him at 19 and i wasnt married we all make mistakes but try not to punnish yourself for it it makes us who we are we are only human. i totaly understand how your feeling grieving for your baby is a long process and everyone is different and from the moment you are pregnant you have that special bond with your baby it grew inside you for all those weeks and you shared that together so dont let anyone tell you any different you have all these hopes and dreams and then suddenly its all taken away i lost my little girl at 23 wks and have just had a m/c 3 wks ago i was ment to be 10 wks but babys heart stopped at 7 and a half and some days i am fine and others i am a total wreck my sister is pregnant and our due dates were only 2 days apart and i am so happy that her pregnancy is going well but its so hard to hear her talk about it knowing that should be me and the feeling of guilt can be so overwhelming and the whys and what if's it is so hard and this site is good to say how you feel i have started trying again as all i want is a healthy baby but give yourself time to grieve and 3 months is not a long time at all just let of steam cry screem do whatever feels right for you take care honey always hear to talk and please be easy on yourself.

    munchy xxx

  12. #12
    kelli07 Guest

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    thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. its been really hard to sit and think about the miscarriage all the time and never talk about it to anyone. talking to all the women on here is the first time ive actually talked about the way im feeling about all of this. as i said in a previous post, im not married. my boyfriend and i have lived together for about 9 months now and weve been together for almost 2 years. somedays he tells me he wants to try again right now and he really wants a baby and somedays he says never again, then on all the other days he says we should wait and get me through college first. its the source of a lot of fights because on the days he wants to try again right now i want to wait and the days he wants to wait i want to try right now. hes really the only person i even talk about the miscarriage with and he doesnt like to very much because hes a typical man and doesnt want to talk about emotions...

  13. #13

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    Kelli - anytime you want to hop onto this site and talk to us. Your boyfriend is also grieving but may not understand the feelings you have. My DH has entirely different thoughts, but really misses our baby just as much as i do. His first thought was no more - i can't go through this again, but within a few weeks changed his mind to - if we fall pg again, so be it (hoping that we won't m/c again) and often it doesn't. All you can do is keep the communication paths open when he is ready i'm sure he will talk about it.

  14. #14

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    and dont ever feel bad for crying! its been over a year since my first mc and i still cry

    hugs hun

  15. #15

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    Hey Kelli07--Just wanted you to know that I know your pain, as I'm going through the same thing right now. I m/c on Mar. 5 (the day before my b-day). I was supposed to be 13 weeks, but baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I have a son that will be 7 in April and I work at his school as a noon aide at lunch time 3 days a week. Most of the kids had known I was pregnant, and would ask me daily if I knew what I was going to be having. All the teachers and parents would ask me daily how I was feeling. My son missed 3 days of school after my m/c because he was scared someone would ask him about "his baby" and he didn't want to cry. I had to send a note to his teacher asking her to explain what happened to the kids and to please not ask my son anything about it. I also sent a note to the office asking them to pass the word along to the other noon aides, so that I wouldn't have to. I still haven't seen them since they found out, and am dreading going back after Spring break. Up until last week there were still people that didn't know, asking me when I was due and how I was feeling. Those are the worst times, and so awkward because you know they feel bad for asking. Two of my son's fellow classmate's moms are also pregnant, and look to be due around the same time I was. I hate seeing their bellies getting bigger when mine's not! Sunday was hard for me because I was supposed to be 4 mo's along, and all I can think of is that I still WANT to be pregnant. I want to have morning sickness, and have my clothes get too tight, and my bigger boobs! I feel like it's not fair that I can't have those things. Then I feel like I'm being selfish...yet at the same time I can't keep all these thoughts out of my head!
    Thanks for sharing your story. No matter what your age, married or not, this is the hardest thing to deal with. Don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't be feeling the way that you are. Nobody can put a time frame on getting over grief. I pray that you find peace and comfort, if not from your friends and family, then from us here at BB!

  16. #16

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    I just wanted to send lots of :hugs: :hugs:
    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's even harder when those around you make really unsupportive comments about how you should feel after a loss. I have found online communties such as BB very supportive after my losses. I also found that having my own private memorial for my angels helped me very much.

    There is no way you are crazy, you will never 'get over' the loss of your child. You are grieving, just because you never met your child doesn't make the pain any less. Are there any loss support services in your area that you could contact?

    I hope that one day you find peace and when you are ready have a sweet little bundle of joy of your own.

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