After trying for 9 months or so, my husband and I found out we were pregnant, 5 weeks 5 days at the first scan we had. We were so excited, but at the same time I am diabetic and had some reservations as there are so many added risks. At our 8 week scan we were told in the harshest way possible that "it's dead, not a viable pregnancy so we better get onto the paperwork and get it taken care of", in the delightful position of having no pants on and my knees around my ears. I had a D&C the next day (24th November, 2007). We tried so long and hard (no pun intended) for that baby and it just seemed so easy to have it taken away. I was basically told by the obstetrician that I had nothing and no one to blame for what happened but myself. Apparently because I'm diabetic I should never try to have a baby and I really should nevr have gotten pregnant to start with. To have a heart would have been nice, but clearly that man missed out. I was meant to go back and see him after 2 weeks but never went and I am not even slightly surprised that he has never followed me up on it. My husband and I don't really talk about it, makes me to angry but he's been extremely supportive. I guess in discussing it we are missing what could have been too much.

My heart was breaking before I was pregnant because I wasn't and now I'm aching all over again but so much worse. I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last person that this happens to, but there's nothing that can be said to make this feeling stop. I've convinced everyone that I'm really okay about it all, I cried, I felt sad but it's still there, only now I hide it. And I know it was for the best, there may have been bigger problems later, etc and I do believe that, but it doesn't stop the ache.

Now via a misdirected text message I find that my friends are talking about me behind my back and are unconfortable about being around me with their children, newborn or otherwise. Whilst I'm not the happiest person lately I am not so bitter that I can not appreciate and enjoy their company the same way I always did and be equally as estatic about their new family status as they are. I have never mentioned the extent of my despair to them, I have acted no differently and yet I'm now the friend who needs to be "protected", from what I am not sure because they all have their child instead of the empty space where mine should have been.

And so life goes on whether I feel like it should or not. I guess I'll just be happy to get through the day that I don't hear that "the trying is the fun part."