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Thread: Life goes on

  1. #1
    chicken_licken_84 Guest

    Default Life goes on

    After trying for 9 months or so, my husband and I found out we were pregnant, 5 weeks 5 days at the first scan we had. We were so excited, but at the same time I am diabetic and had some reservations as there are so many added risks. At our 8 week scan we were told in the harshest way possible that "it's dead, not a viable pregnancy so we better get onto the paperwork and get it taken care of", in the delightful position of having no pants on and my knees around my ears. I had a D&C the next day (24th November, 2007). We tried so long and hard (no pun intended) for that baby and it just seemed so easy to have it taken away. I was basically told by the obstetrician that I had nothing and no one to blame for what happened but myself. Apparently because I'm diabetic I should never try to have a baby and I really should nevr have gotten pregnant to start with. To have a heart would have been nice, but clearly that man missed out. I was meant to go back and see him after 2 weeks but never went and I am not even slightly surprised that he has never followed me up on it. My husband and I don't really talk about it, makes me to angry but he's been extremely supportive. I guess in discussing it we are missing what could have been too much.

    My heart was breaking before I was pregnant because I wasn't and now I'm aching all over again but so much worse. I know I'm not the first, nor will I be the last person that this happens to, but there's nothing that can be said to make this feeling stop. I've convinced everyone that I'm really okay about it all, I cried, I felt sad but it's still there, only now I hide it. And I know it was for the best, there may have been bigger problems later, etc and I do believe that, but it doesn't stop the ache.



    Now via a misdirected text message I find that my friends are talking about me behind my back and are unconfortable about being around me with their children, newborn or otherwise. Whilst I'm not the happiest person lately I am not so bitter that I can not appreciate and enjoy their company the same way I always did and be equally as estatic about their new family status as they are. I have never mentioned the extent of my despair to them, I have acted no differently and yet I'm now the friend who needs to be "protected", from what I am not sure because they all have their child instead of the empty space where mine should have been.

    And so life goes on whether I feel like it should or not. I guess I'll just be happy to get through the day that I don't hear that "the trying is the fun part."

  2. #2

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    Ooohhhhh my sweet little Chicken,
    My heart goes out to you.... I know what it is like to have friends who instead of being supportive they ran for the hills.

    That Dr needs to be repported or something!!!! WHAT THE!!!!!!!!

    You can have babies!!!!!!
    Go and see another Gyn who will support you through your high risk pregnancy.
    I go to my local Hospital to the Clinic. They really look after you.
    I don't have diabeities but othe health probs. The Dr's are very supportive and friendly, and that helps when you are worried most of the time.
    Please don't tell me if he was in the private sector and you had to pay for his attitude!!!!!!!!

    Sending big hugs

    I hope you feel better!!!
    Take care
    Chris

  3. #3
    chicken_licken_84 Guest

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    Yes he was a private doctor, hence why I think it was "taken care of" the way it was because he got paid a ****load to do it, as there were comments made in regards to our position in the health system. I'm fast jumping on the public boat now after all this.

  4. #4

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    I would definitely find another doc. If you are on the sunshine coast I can recommend a wonderful OB :-)
    I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Take as much time as you need to recover from this loss. Cry cry and then cry some more. Tell your "friends" to go jump. Thats not supportive behaviour. Friends like that who needs enemies!!! At least you will have friends here to be supportive and know exactly what you are going through. Big hugs to you my friend. Take care.

  5. #5

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    Hi chicken
    I went to public hospital for both my babies and have been treated very well.

    I hope you did not take any notice to that crappy Dr. Women with diabeties are haveing healthy babies all the time.

    Was the Dr old???

    Do your friends know you got the text??
    I am still finding it hard with my friends. One friend suggested that we go out for coffee next week when kids go back to school, but there was no offers for coffee or anything else when I really needed someone to talk to. I know that a group of friends went out every month for lunch even a birthday celerbration and I was not asked to go. When I quizzed about this, I got in trouble that I kept my hurt secret for so long (it took me 2 months to let them know) but I still wasn't asked to the last 2 lunches at the end of the year.

    I am finding that some of my friends are only around when they need something.
    Take care
    Chris

  6. #6

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    Sorry to hear what you have been through, wow that doc is stupid, you can have children.

  7. #7

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    :hugs: :hugs: I'm sorry that your Ob told you that you shouldn't be trying for children. How rude and selfish and misinformed he is.... you have every right to be trying for a baby!! And i'm sorry your friends are talking behind your back about you. They should be talking to your face instead.
    Sorry for your loss.

  8. #8

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    i am so sorry for your loss, and the horrible insensitivities of your doctor. you are not to blame. please allow yourself to grieve, and find yourself a supportive doctor who can help you through your pregnancy needs. as to your friends, might i suggest that you talk to them -- at least the ones you care about -- and let them know what will help you the most and how you feel. i ended up sending an email to all of my family and friends to let them know exactly how i was feeling and what they could do to help. it worked quite well for many, and the ones i lost, well, i think that was for the best. it can be difficult for folks to know what to do--for example, i couldn't be around babies and still have trouble with newborns--so let them know how to treat you. good luck, and big hugs. m

  9. #9

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    Hi Chicken,

    I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:

    I wanted to respond because I am diabetic as well - have had it since I was 16, for 21 years now. Here is my story (for what it is worth!). I have a beautiful 3 and a half year old DD who was conceived on the 2nd cycle trying. I had a dream pregnancy (except for morning sickness) with absolutely no diabetic problems at all. We started trying for our 2nd almost 14 months ago. I have had a chemical pregnancy and last October had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. My ob was wonderful, and told me absolutely that the miscarriage had nothing to do with my diabetes because it was so well controlled. My diabetic specialist has also told me the same thing.

    What your ob has told you is total and utter [email protected]! Being diabetic has absolutely nothing to do with miscarriage unless your blood sugars are way out of control. As for should never try to have a baby and should have never been pregnant If it can't be done, why do I have a healthy DD?? I would be so finding a new ob! But I'm sure I don't have to tell you that! Do you have a diabetes doctor that could recommend you a diabetes friendly ob at all maybe?

    I have found that same thing with my DH, he was supportive but after a bit didn't want to talk about it much and just wanted life to get back to normal. I think it is just the differences between how men and women cope with miscarriage. I ended up explaining how I felt to him and that I needed to talk about it to help get over it, and he was a lot better after that. We are not doing too bad with it all now, but it did put a strain on our relationship for a while

    As for your friends, do you think it would help to talk to them about how you feel? I also have friends with new babies that know about my miscarriage, but they have not made me feel at all that they are uncomfortable being around me. I agree with Auntie M, sometimes people don't know what to do or say, so treat you wierdly. This is probably going to sound stupid coming from someone with a child, but I am also still a bit uncomfortable being around newborns and pregnant women - not jealous or anything, just find that it reminds me of what I have lost and makes me sad again I hope this makes sense, but it has been good to have people understanding that I feel this way because I am sad for my loss, not because I am envious of them. I hope this rambling makes some sense, but basically with close friends who I trust, it has been far better explaining to them how I am feeling. The true friends have understood and given me space, the others I guess just aren't real friends.

    Take care of yourself and big hugs xx
    Last edited by nicjay; January 23rd, 2008 at 08:53 AM.

  10. #10

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    I am so very sorry for your loss

    I was also devastated by losing my baby at 12 weeks. I went through a very, very dark time. During that time I pushed a lot of my friends away because I found that I didn't want people to know just how bad I was feeling and that I couldn't cope with the fact that life had just moved on while I hadn't.

    Some of my friendships suffered, and some blossomed because I found that I could talk to one friend in particular, and as a result I have become much closer to her and will never forget the support she offered.

    Due to life circumstances beyond our control, my best friend and I grew apart. She was dealing with something herself and I just didn't have the strength for it.

    Now that I have come out the other side (somewhat - since the birth of our new son, a lot of the grief has resurfaced), we are getting things right again. We've both acknowledged what happened but both miss our friendship so we're working on it.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that you won't feel this bad forever, and when you're feeling better, your true friends will still be there waiting. Just take care of you for now and try to mend your broken heart. It will get better with time.

  11. #11

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    I am so sorry for the awful thing(s) you had to go through. I'll keep you in my prayers and send a cyber hug.

    The idea that diabetic women shouldn't get pregnant is the silliest thing I ever heard of and I'm a nurse with a couple of diabetic friends (one quite brittle) who had lovely, healthy babies. In fact, a study was done some years ago that compared outcomes of diabetics with the general population and the diabetic women did better because they took such good care of themselves!

    Miscarriage has many causes and for your doctor to harp on one part of your medical history was completely uncalled for.

    Sending another cyberhug. Be real good to yourself right now.

    BTW, your friends probably just don't get what it's like to lose a preg. If you need to vent, come here.

  12. #12

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    I agree with everyone else. There is no reason why you should have a child. Find yourself a new OB.
    As for support, we will support you the whole way.

  13. #13

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    Oh im so sorry for the loss of your baby and the way you have been treated.I just shake my head in wonder at people sometimes and there insensitivity. I know you will find great support here.

  14. #14
    chicken_licken_84 Guest

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    Thank you all for your support. Yes my friends are aware that I know about the message. There was nothing so bad said in it, just the fact that they thought so little of how I could have been feeling and assuming how I was feeling. I went and saw the friend who sent it about 3 days after I had the D&C and she is the one who has the relatively newborn child. But like I said, I am fine with seeing babies, what was meant for them was obviously not meant for me this time around. I work with children everyday as a nanny and don't believe that I have the right to resent either a healthy child nor an excited parent.

    Megsmum my diabetes is not what I would call poorly controlled, but I am always extremly high. My 3 monthy HBA1C is always around 9 and has been for the last 10 years after being diabetic for 19 years. If I am under 7 I get extremely sick, so in order for me to have this so called "perfect control" (doctors opinion, not you) will take me forever to achieve. I am otherwise healthy. We are looking at maybe just accepting that I will have these readings permantly, but the obstetrician, who was not old, maybe about 40, found this to be a point to lay every accusation he could upon.

    I am at the point where it is not losing the baby that is my problem, but the attitude of everyone else, who's words can not be taken out of my head.

  15. #15

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    i am really sorry for all that you are going through not to mention having such an insensitive OB. Do find yourself another one, esp if your current one cannot even care enough about your physical and emotional well being to call and find out why you missed your appointment!
    Diabetes is not a barrier to your baby dreams! So search out an OB that will support you in achieving this for you!
    Friends in a situation like this are hard and i have found out myself who my true friends were when i lost our baby Jack. it will always be hard and it is true they find it as hard to communicate with us as we do to them. One of my friends summed it up though with saying she told one of her friends that she did'nt expect them to know what to say or how to react but she just needed to hear them say they were there, in any capacity they could be, just to acknowledge that for her. Be honest with them if you can and lean on the ones that will open up for you and use that to get through it yourself!
    take your time with your healing...and never blame yourself.
    take care, sending you many hugs!
    x

  16. #16

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    Just be really good to yourself right now. Sometimes people assume they know how we feel. You know you're strong sometimes and other times need a break from it all. Cyberhug.

  17. #17

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    Hi Chicken,

    I would have to agree with you, I don't think your diabetes sounds like it is that poorly controlled at all. If you are otherwise healthy with no complications, then it must be under control. And I would also say that you know your body best, it would be presumptuous of me to say that you are doing something wrong, as it was for your ob to say what he did. I think really that any decent doctor will find a way to work around your diabetes to enable you to have a baby, rather than just outright putting the blame back on you for a miscarriage and telling you that you just shouldn't have a baby at all.

    Did you know too, that as diabetics we need to be taking high dose folate as well? I didn't know this until after my m/c, I found a snippet about it in a preconception book that I was reading over at the time. I had a word to my diabetes specialist and had some blood tests done then started on 5mg folate daily rather than the normal 500mcg. Your buy it over the counter in the chemist - it's called Megafol 5. Not saying that this had anything to do with your miscarriage either, but after mine I was not willing to take a risk that it might not have been a contributing factor KWIM? I'm pretty doubtful that it was a factor to be honest, seeing as I only took 500mcg of folate when pg with my DD and she turned out alright.

    I know exactly what you mean about the attitudes of other being a problem after a m/c too. That was exactly how I felt in the couple of months following mine - I was already so sad about losing our baby and this was only made worse by the dumb reactions and insensitive comments made by a few people. I don't really have any wise advice for you, but to try and ignore the attitudes, the pain inflicted by them does get better with time - it has for me anyway.

    Take care of yourself xx
    Last edited by nicjay; January 24th, 2008 at 01:07 PM. Reason: adding extra stuff

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