Miscarrying... Lost & Confused...

[Toritlr]

Hey,

So I am new to this site sorry it may take me awhile to get used to it. But here is my story: last Tuesday I found out about my baby passed away in my tummy. I was 11 weeks and the baby had passed away at about 7-8 weeks. Last Friday I had a D&C to get my baby removed. I am so devastated I don't know what to do. I am very young and this would be my first baby; but I feel so alone and sad that this had happened to me. I am very lucky and have a great support system but I am joining this site to find people who can relate to me. My family, boyfriend and friends are all sad, but no one understands what I am going through and it is very hard for me. From what I have read other people have been in my situation... it is nice to know. I hate how I am feeling and I am so confused about everything. I just have a few questions that I hope people can answer...

1. Is it normal to want to try and conceive as soon as you are able to? I feel crazy... But I just want a baby back in my stomach.

2. How long do you have to wait to try and conceive? My doctor told me to wait until my 1st period and then try but is that safe?

3. My mom told me it was normal for guys to act weird and pretend that nothing really happened but it is making me mad... how normal is too normal? I know he is sad... and he wanted this baby more than I did in the beginning(obviously it was an unplanned pregnancy) but now I feel like I wanted it more... I just don't understand!

I have sooo... many questions so if someone could please write back to me that would be great! I am so confused! I have tried to find support groups in my area but they only occur like once a month! I need to go way more then once a month! So if I could talk to anyone that would be great! I am just trying to find some answers...

[cherie26]

I am so sorry for the loss of your little angle
It is really hard to come to terms with that one minute there is a baby growing inside of you and a minute later it is taken away. Your mum sounds like a really great person and it is good you have support around you. I went through the same thing of although you have all these people around you they don't really share the same emotion you are experiencing and finding this site has been the most help in getting me through this journey so I know you have found the right place.
It is totally normal to want to try and concieve again! Most of us here feel exactly the same. I had and still have this overwhelming desperation to be pregnant again and am ttc now. It is also very normal to not want to as well as we all feel abit scared of loosing another baby but I guess that is the risk we take.
My ob/dr told me to try againg straight away but there are many views on this and really it is when you are ready. I have been told that there is a slight increace in your chance of miscarrying if you concieve straight away but there are plenty of girls in here who can tell you otherwise and are carrying very healthy babies.
My husband was really quite after I lost our little girl and I let hm have his time to greive in his way. He was such a great support to me and I guess he acted so normal I forgot he lost his girl to. He was also scared to ttc again in fear of loss again but when he finally opened up and admitted it he cant wait to have another baby again. I guess you just have to remember that everyone greives differently and just to keep talking to him to make sure he is ok. Boys are funny creatures!
Take care and allow yourself time to grieve

[Toritlr]

Cherie 26 thanks so much for the reply. I think talking on this is the only way I am going to get through this. I have been searching all day for a support group to go to. No luck with that one! I just don't understand how they can have a support group for people with substance abuse problems all day but can't have a grief and loss support group that at least goes daily. Hmm... just doesn't make sense to me! But I guess I will use this for now!

Well I am glad that you said that I can try again asap! I am very excited to! I just hope it happens fast. With becomming pregnant it has taught me so much... it has made me love and respect my body and not care about the stupid things in life. It just seemed like I had a different perspective of life when I was pregnant and I don't ever want to lose that. I pray for you though and hope that you will soon concieve again!

My boyfriend said he wanted to try as soon as we can to try and have a baby again. So hopefully everything works out and we can! Anyways thanks for the reply and good luck to you! Keep in touch! xoxo

[STARRYSKY]

hello,
firstly, i am so sorry for your loss, i had a very similar experience just over a month ago, i was 9wks 4days when they told us our baby had died abd was only 4-5 wks.
Finding this site has been the best thing for me, at the time of my experience i just wanted everything over with and had a d&c asap, i didnt ask any questions, i didnt have any questions at the time...it was far too overwhelming, later on though my head was full off them and the ladies on here have eased my mind that i am normal and am not going through this all alone.
the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the silence, i had a lot of support from my family and dp to begin with (the first week) but after that it was like no one wanted to mention it, i felt like everyone just expected me to "get over it" and get on with life but its not that easy, is it?
From what i can gather it is very normal to want to try again straight away, to have that pregnant feeling back.
also. men seem to differ in their reactions to these things, this will sound horriid and at the time i thought so too but my dp said that it was hard for him to feel sorry about losing something that wasnt really there in the first place, that it was not a "baby", just a bundle of cells that didnt grow properly. I think that for some guys it is easier to think literally about these things, i also think that even though rationally i can accept that opinion, its not what its about, it is the dream that we mourn, as soon as we find out we are pg we dream and plan and prepare ourselves for what we think is an immenent arrival, then suddenly it is gone, just like that.
I hope that everything works out for you, and wishing you a bfp asap if you want it!!
we are always here.
xxxx

[Toritlr]

[B]STARRYSKY

Thanks so much for the reply... wow I feel like I can relate to you a lot. Yeah I wanted everything to be over with too! After I found out for 100% sure by another doctor I called my doctor and told her I wanted the baby out asap. Though the baby is out I still want everything to be over with! I am having such a hard time dealing with this. I am so happy I found this site because then I can have people I can relate to talking to me rather then other people who like you said "think I should get over it and move on with my life." No it's not easy at all. And I am very happy you wrote to me.

I know people grieve differently and I am trying to understand that so I don't get so mad at him. I feel like a crazy person right now. Usually I am an optimistic person who loves life but this has made me such a downer... I don't feel right. I have had weird thoughts run through my head so I am just trying to find anything to keep me sane! How long does it take before you become more sane and this thought doesn't consume most of your day? I just want to be happy and remember what happened but move on from it. Also are you trying again? I know I am very young but I just want my baby... like you said I have started planning my life around it. Anyways thank you and good luck to you! xoxo

[STARRYSKY]

I am glad you found us!
You know I think it took me the best part of a month to start feeling "normal" again, to not want to cry every time i see an obviously pg woman or a tiny baby, even a bloody add for nappies on tv!
I still have days when i just want to cry and feel sorry for myself and i dont think there is anything wrong with that.
I am still having trouble sleeping, having bad dreams and just thinking too damn much if ykwim?
I wrote a poem for my lost one, thats just my way of getting it out, there is a thread in here somewhere that is all poems and songs about lost ones, i found that the other night and just bawled and bawled but the next morning i woke up feeling sooooooo much better, like i had released something............also reading about other peoples experiences was a great help, it may not sound nice but it made me realise how lucky i was to have lost our baby so early and so "neatly" i guess, i didnt have to experience cramping and bleeding and clots etc, i had no idea anything was wrong until we had the ultrasound.
Sometimes doing something to remember your lost one can help you to "move on" (for lack of a better description!) like planting a tree or flower, buying a teddy bear or even naming him/her.
For myself i found that it was easier not to, but everyone is different and copes in different ways.
have you checked out the ttc after miscarriage and loss thread? I was so scared to ttc after my mc but those ladies have been such an inspiration to me.
xxx

[Jo Jo]

Hi Toritlr, so sorry for your loss.
I know what it is like for everyone to act normal, i miscarried at 10 weeks in july last year & found it difficult to deal with especially as another girl at my work had found out she was pregnant and due at the same time. She would bring in her scan pics & show them to everyone in front of me & talk about her preg all the time, i think some people find it easier to ignore it (that must be their way of dealing with it). I also wanted to try straight away & my doctor suggested to have one period first & then try. I didn't have to have a D&C though it all came away naturally at the hospital. So i had one period & then tried again & fell straight away(i think it was because i still had the preg hormones in my system). Am now the happy mum of a 13 week old, although had plenty of scares with that one as well with bleeding. My sister also miscarried & then fell straight away no period, so i think everyone's bodies react differently. I know it is hard, the first week back at work i came home & cried everynight to my DH. It was so hard to be at work everyday & watch someone elses belly grow & think that should have been me. I am young too & think it is awful that people asume it was an unwanted baby anyway. I think it does help to talk about it though as the more people comment on " it will happen eventually" & "things happen for a reason" the more annoyed & upsetting it was, so make sure you talk to a close friend & your boyfriend when your upset & i'm sure they will be there for you. Keep your head up & i really hope everything works out for you. It is only natural for you to be upset so don't think you are being silly like i did. You have alot of support from this site as well so wishing you the best of luck.
Jo xxx

[chris]

Hi Toritlr
Sorry to hear about your loss.
You will find that men greive in a hidden space away from you so you can't see their vulnerable side, they want to show the tuff man.
Don't worry about him just take care of you at the moment as you have gone through a horrific time. I was like you I couldn't stand the thought of a dead baby inside of me but my body didn't wait for the D&C I lost my baby in the bath room.
As far as TTC I was told its best to wait at least 1 cycle to make sure all hormones are back to normal and everything is ok. From personal experience I would do that.

For me it is a year ago that I lost my Angel and I still am crying for my baby, I have planted a rose in the garden, I was given a statue of an angel and I named my baby "Angel". It takes a long time but can move on and remember the baby without crying.

Take care of yourself
Chris

[jlk]

I just wanted to say i'm sorry for the loss of your angel!

[baby hopes]

hi taritlr

i'm so sorry for your loss

i know how you are feeling and i hope you find great support here like i have it is hard to talk to your partner about yr loss mine just didn't want to know really guess he thought things are over with now and everythings fine but as women it's not really the same you carry the baby and do get attached and even though all the phisical things are over with yr heart is left feeling empty inside

take care big hugsxx

[Leila]

Toritlr

I lost my angle baby 3 weeks ago i was 11 weeks and 5 days we were told the the heart stopped when baby was 9weeks 1 day. DH and i had been trying for a baby since we married in November last year, we were absolutely devastated. My ob told us that we were fine to start TTC again immediately. So i am just waiting to ovulate and we will be straight back to it. Dh was shattered at the start but did seem to 'get over it' quicker than me. I dont think that i will ever be over losing my little one. Not sure if i answered your questions but i hope i helped in some way.
Take care

[Lynn]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so normal to want to be pregnant again and only you will know when you are ready. Just remember that men and women grieve differently but that doesn't mean your partner isn't hurting and upset. Be kind to yourself, grieve and take care of yourself

[Toritlr]

Thank you to everyone who responded to me! I am really happy to find this site... it is relieving to know that there are other people experiencing what I am experiencing at the same time. Right now has probably have been one of the hardest times of my life and I am going to need all of the support I can get. So thank you for being so generous and responding; also thank you for all of the responses and advice. I am going to need a lot right now. I am trying to understand that men and women are different to how they react to things emotionally... it's just very hard. I myself have never really been an emotional person. I have always considered myself to have emotions actually like a man. In fact my boyfriend used to cry more than I did. So now it is just crazy how I can cry over nothing out of nowhere and he is just dealing with it by watching football or going to the gym. But I am trying to accept him for him.

So I have some new questions? I don't know if anyone can answer them...

1. After having a D&C how long is it until you can actually get pregnant? Do you have to get your period first? Can you get pregnant w/out having your period 1st?

2. Why do they say no sex for 2 weeks after your D&C? I am not in pain right now... there is no soreness or anything... so is it okay? And I know they say your not supposed to but I did slip up. There is no pain so I just thought it would be okay!

P.S. I am sorry to all of the other people who are also going through what I am... I don't wish this pain on anyone! The positive thing though is at least we can concieve! We may have to grieve and lose our precious angels but one day one of those babies is going to make it and come into our life and change everything!
Anyways everyone have a beautiful day! xoxo and THANKS AGAIN!

[Auntie M]

oh sweety, i am so sorry for the loss of your baby. this is a type of pain that you can live through, but you will never forget. obviously, we wanted to try again as soon as possible after we lost our son. ask your doctor what time frame is recommended and that should clear some things up. i also wondered about my dh and if i could help him with his pain at all because i didn't see it after the first couple of weeks. he does feel it, but he doesn't show it the same way. men are simply different than women, and i have decided that is such a good thing. it seems awkward at first to be grieving differently, but it does have a symmetry that protects each of us and allows each of us to grieve with the support of the other. be good to yourself and allow yourself to live through this grief. xxoom

[STARRYSKY]

Hello again,
in response to your questions, i have read on here in other threads that you can get pg straight away without having a period, as long as you are ovulating, i have even read of others docs saying that after a d&c one can be very fertile!
The recommendation to not have sex for 2 weeks is to safeguard against infection, i didnt wait that long either, maybe a week, it felt right so i did it, i actually felt like i needed it, to reconnect dp and i on some level and to re affirm our love etc,etc sounds corny but life begets life iykwim.
with your bf, have you tried talking to him? I sort of gave up talking about the mc as i could sense my dps disinterest and his eyes would sort of glaze over, but then i had a breakdown and poured out my heart about how neglected and mis understood i felt and he did try a lot harder, he notices if i look down and doesnt just try to jolly me out of it, i have to constantly remind myself that he is not a mind reader.
anyway hope this is some help to you.

[Toritlr]

Thanks Auntie M! I am sorry about your son.

To: Starysky

Yay well I guess that is good news that I am very fertile right after... but yet I am scared that I may get pregnant again. At this point I know I want a baby asap... but I also don't know what feelings are real or just my heart needing something that left it. So I also do want to wait hopefully. Well I didn't wait even a week! Eeks bad me... but yes I did need it. It actually made me feel a lot better for awhile. I'm not used to not having sex so without it I feel empty. Sounds weird.

Last night I actually ended up breaking down. He kind of looked at me like I am nuts though. He has really never seen me so vunerable and distraught. So I think it was a big shock to him to see me so effected to this. We have been talking... it's very hard to communicate right now with him though about this baby stuff. I feel like he is ignoring it and doesn't really want to talk about it. But I guess that's the difference between men and women. B

But I just wanted to say to you Starrysky is that I feel like we are very similar. Thanks for responding to me.

Also I want to thank everyone for responding to me... because when I feel sad I come to this site if it is conveinent.

Anyways have a nice night!

xoxo

[STARRYSKY]

hey i know exactly where you are coming from with being scared! I was (still am) petrified of getting pg again, it just feels so wierd because for 18 months all i wanted was to see those two blue lines on a hpt but after this experience....well, i understand! I also think that its pretty normal to feel like this, all i am doing atm is just taking it as it comes, i am not actively ttc, iykwim, im not temping or charting or anything, so if/when i do fall pg it will be a surprise of sorts! Maybe next year i will start really trying again, atm i am a bit too emotionally wrought to go through the whole two week wait thing again and again.... I dont think i could handle it.
I have just got af today after about 5 weeks since mc. the docs never said anything to me about waiting or not.mind you i never asked.
I have found when having problems with my dp, if i write everything down it sort of puts everything into perspective and then you can focus on the real crap, not the stuff that tends to result in arguments and things, i digress...
what i am trying to say is, if your bf maybe isnt as supportive as you would like, maybe write it all down, it can be quite cathartic, bb has blogs on here too, maybe start one of them with your experience and what you are going through with ttc again. or just write in a diary or journal, just a suggestion as it really helps me.
hope you are not too sad toritlr, thinking of you.

[Jo Jo]

Not sure if this helps anyone but when i had my m/c my doctor suggested i keep taking the folic acid tablets & to up the intake for your iron, i guess because of all the bleeding.
Take care everyone. xxx