I know from what my family are going through its extreamly hard to come up with any response to such a thing as this. To be honest, I just feel I need to write it down and this seems like the sort of place I feel most comfortable talking about it. I haven't really spoken to anyone since it happened, i've been bottling it all up and its starting to drive me crazy.

Late last sat night I started bleeding. I've been bleeding a bit throughout the pregnancy, in a spotting type of mannor, and had been told everything was ok. so Shane (my partner) reasured me not to worry and to go get it checked out as soon as was possible. I think i knew at this point that something was very wrong, but was trying hard to convince myself that i'm sure everything is fine, but I hadn't had any movement for about 24 hours. Finally on monday morning Shane convinced me to go to the hospital, I had been up all night with cramps and was terrofied. By the time i got to the hospital I was in labour. I have never been so scared in my life. The dr told me that there was no heart beat and that they where going to have to deliver the baby, still born. It was the most horrible thing I have ever been through. They told me that my baby, a little boy (we hadn't found out the sex before), Freddy, had died because the placenta had come away and he hadn't been getting the nutrients and oxygen he needed.

Shane is devestated. I have never before felt this sad before. just a few weeks before we had a scan and everything was fine. Thats whats so hard to deal with. there is no one to blame, there is nothing anyone could do or could of done. I kept hearing people say, its just one of those things, and these things happen. I cant find comfort in that. all I can think about it how much I want my baby, and how unbelieveable sad I am. I can't put into words just how low I feel. If I hear one more person say "if there is anything I can do just ask" I'm going to scream. There is nothing anyone can do, I just want to hold him, I'm heart broken. I know no one knows what to say and they are just trying to help and I am so greatful of that, but I just cant stop crying. and I still look pregnant, I just feel so empty thats the worst part. I'm scared to leave the house as I dont want people to ask me when i'm due, all the stuff I was so proud to answer before, and now makes me want to cry.

Shane is amazing. I'm so pleased that becasue of Freddy, me and shane are as close as we are. He is my strength and my future. He said to me on wednesday that he thinks that we had freddy for a reason and that we have to see it like that, he made us as close as we are and thats his gift to us. That makes me even more sad. Freddy was an accident, but as soon as I found out, I was filled with such love that over took me. I can't explain it. How could I love something so much that I have never met, and how can it make me love my partner 1000 times more? Well he did, and i'll always be greatful to him for giving me that.

All I can think about at the moment is how much I want a baby. Not to replace him, but, I think the way my brian is wired has changed. We dont drink we dont smoke, we dont do drugs, we had got a little nursary and I am so ready to be a mother.

We have decided, as soon as we can we are going to start trying again. I'm sure some people will say that it is not going to be the best thing for me. But I feel its the only thing that is going to keep me breathing, it gives me the hope to wake up in the morning.

Shane and both our families are going through so much, I feel I need to stay strong for them and have found it very hard to talk to any of them, and I know Shane feels the same. He is being strong for me and them but I am worried he is not dealing with it. Becasue I was so far along, it feels like we've lost a child. I talked to Freddy everyday before, just silly little things about what i'm doing and what the dogs are up too, and when shane pulled up in the drive after work i'd tell him and he'd kick me like he was excited, I know it prob wasn;t that, but it felt like it and he made me smile. Shane used to talk to him in the mornings and give him a morning report of what the plan was for the day. I just feel so alone now. Shane has gone back to work and I am so alone. I'm not physically ready to go back to work, but I think i'm going to go mad being in all day on my own.