My Story

[AngelRomansMum]

Hi everyone, i am new here, and just found out about this forum this morning while searching stillbirth support, so i am not sure what to expect here, i have been lurking for a few hours, so i thought its time for me to have a say...

My name is Jessica,i am 23yrs old from Melbourne,Australia, and i had my stillborn son Roman, on 3rd May 2009, this is very difficult for me to post, as i havent really gone into much detail about this before, and how i have been feeling, i havent gone for counselling and groups yet, as i dont think i can handle talking about it in person and its much easier through the computer.

I was looking forward to having my son, me and my man had been worrying about having children as i have PCOS and have been told i couldnt have children naturally or that id need some help trying...Roman was our miracle baby, as he was natural and made out of love, i also conceived him close to my mans birthday so it was very exciting when we had found out this, we told all family around 12weeks, but his mum found out around 10weeks due to a fever i had.

I had known since 8wks6days,my family doctor sent off a referral to the hospital at this time, i had an ultrasound around then and everything was going great, he had a strong heartbeat and the guy said "terrific heartbeat" and i was relieved he was where he was suppose to be and that there was a heartbeat, so for awhile that eased my worries.

I had my 12week ultrasound to check for abnormalities and such, everything was fine, i had nothing to worry about, he was so cute! had all the features that was supposed to be there and his heartbeat was still strong! it was amazing seeing him.

At 13weeks, i had a little bleed, it was only a one off, but i stayed in hospital for 15hrs just so i could get a ultrasound to confirm that everything was going alright, they didnt know where the bleed was from exactly, but they said it was so minor that it would have been fine, i cried because the bleeding really made me think something happened at this point.. but he was fine, i even had the technician in tears from crying, and what really haunts me today and cant stop reliving is when she says "see, your little one is saying mummy im ok, im here!"

So after this, for awhile we thought we were invincible, that nothing would go wrong...

Now heres what angers me about it all and i do blame myself...

i had known about my pregnancy since 8weeks6days,

My family doctor sent a referral to the hospital, and i didn't get a first appointment till 19weeks, this was my first,so i just assumed that i could wait it out, and was not told that i could make an earlier app or anything,

(Yes i had 3 ultrasounds, 2 under my family doctor and 1 emergency one that i mentioned, but i had not had a midwife/ob yet...)

that same week i had that first app was the same week i went into labor, and that week i had just got a sugar lvl test which confirmed a reading of 9.5 which is high and i was going to do the 2hr test the following tuesday,

But i went into labor on the friday so never made it to that, which i feel, this could have been prevented if i was able to get an app sooner, which i believe my sugar lvls would have been known about & controlled, i find out the cause in a week, and im not looking forward to it, especially if it was because of gestational diabetes or something...

I do blame myself for not finding out if i could have got an earlier app, but because i didnt think this would happen to me, i thought i could wait out till 19weeks for my first app, like they required... well obviously i didnt

I still have thoughts that "if this sugar lvl had been detected sooner maybe my water may have not broke, and my lvls would have been controlled"

I also go back to waiting in the ER to get seen and then my waters broke and i went into a panic and how the stupid triage nurse said "go to the toilet" pfft as if i would have let this happen on the toilet, i still think what an insensitive b****!

It really does anger me, that i wasnt seen sooner, as im sure its vital to get seen before 19weeks but i honestly thought i would be fine, that i could wait for the app... i cant believe i was so stupid!

I really think the cause was gestational diabetes, and if i hear that nxt week i will be angry!

I am also going to tell the doctor that i wasnt happy with a 19week first app and that for my next pregnancy (whenever that is) that i get faster and better service!!

The other thing that bothers me is...

the fact that after i went into labor, i was only checked once for dilation and never told or checked up on how dilated i was after that, and because i didnt have contractions i didnt know when to push or if he was coming out,

why didnt i get checked if i was dilated often?

its like to them "oh its only 20weeks gestation, the child is not going to survive anyway, so it doesnt matter when shes dilated or when he comes out" thats how it feels, and they did keep mentioning frequently "remember, when he has been born, theres nothing we can do, even if he tries to take a breath, we cant do anything, because hes lungs are underdeveloped and nothing will work, not even resuscitation"

saying it as if i would ask them to help him... like im dumb... of course i knew he wouldnt survive, but the fact that i feel they had the vibe "hes going to be dead anyway" made me feel like crap! and made me feel ripped off.

only later on when everything had stopped (over 20hrs later) did i get checked and he had been sitting there for a few hours and i did not know as he was tiny and i had no indication of what to expect since i only just had my first app that week which was just basically forms and quick examination, as you can tell, i dont have other children!

I was devestated when the midwife said "im sorry, but baby is sitting there waiting to come out" and i had to ask her if she was sure because i found it unbelievable, "i could feel some limbs there" she said... that bought me back to reality...

As also i was given hope, that even though my waters had broke, that it could heal and he could survive (make it another 4weeks) if i have complete bedrest and it closes up, (i was told when u leak amniotic fluid, that its like a bath with no plug in.. so more will come.. but if the "plug" is out, then its going to keep flushing out) so i was given some hope that maybe i could make it...

The reason i didnt get an ultrasound, was that my waters broke, late friday night, and they didnt have radiologists to perform an ultrasound during the weekend, so they said "if i make it to Monday, i could see if he is alright" and if he was ok, that i would have hospital bedrest for 4weeks and then be moved to a neonatal hospital for him to survive... but he didnt make it to monday... he was delivered sunday... and i do miss my son, and wish that he was still inside me, growing and alive.

Theres nothing more heartbreaking than having to bury your child, a child that you dont have a long history with, one that you dont know their personality, what could have been... its hard to go and visit him... but i feel really guilty and bad when i dont for more than a week.

I love my son, and even though im angry at the way some things were handled and such... i still see the positive, that he was my miracle and it gives me hope that i can conceive again in the future naturally with my PCOS and that maybe next time i will carry to term a live baby (i am though also scared crapless to be pregnant again as im sure most who have losses are)

I do cherish the fact i did get photos and got to hold him, and the positive is they did treat him like a live newborn, dressed him and everything.. and i got to spend as long as i wanted with him, he was so gorgeous, and perfect, i didnt get an autopsy because i didnt want to put his body through anything else, and he was so perfect i didnt want to ruin anything and imagine what he would be put through, but they are examining the placenta and cord as far as i know.

I also am grateful that in this country, any stillbirth past 20weeks gestation it is compulsory for their birth to be registered, so im lucky to have got a birth certificate and a formal proper burial (as i know many dont get this...)

The nights are the worst for me, and i find it hard to sleep, so im up so much reading stories and such, i do have my man to cry and talk too, but he can only take so much...

I'm sorry that this has been a very long post, but i felt i needed to get this out there!
Thanks for giving me a place to do it and letting me to.
I appreciate any responses and i also feel for everyone woman here who experiences a loss.

Love You Roman, love Mummy xox