Hi everyone, i am new here, and just found out about this forum this morning while searching stillbirth support, so i am not sure what to expect here, i have been lurking for a few hours, so i thought its time for me to have a say...
My name is Jessica,i am 23yrs old from Melbourne,Australia, and i had my stillborn son Roman, on 3rd May 2009, this is very difficult for me to post, as i havent really gone into much detail about this before, and how i have been feeling, i havent gone for counselling and groups yet, as i dont think i can handle talking about it in person and its much easier through the computer.
I was looking forward to having my son, me and my man had been worrying about having children as i have PCOS and have been told i couldnt have children naturally or that id need some help trying...Roman was our miracle baby, as he was natural and made out of love, i also conceived him close to my mans birthday so it was very exciting when we had found out this, we told all family around 12weeks, but his mum found out around 10weeks due to a fever i had.
I had known since 8wks6days,my family doctor sent off a referral to the hospital at this time, i had an ultrasound around then and everything was going great, he had a strong heartbeat and the guy said "terrific heartbeat" and i was relieved he was where he was suppose to be and that there was a heartbeat, so for awhile that eased my worries.
I had my 12week ultrasound to check for abnormalities and such, everything was fine, i had nothing to worry about, he was so cute! had all the features that was supposed to be there and his heartbeat was still strong! it was amazing seeing him.
At 13weeks, i had a little bleed, it was only a one off, but i stayed in hospital for 15hrs just so i could get a ultrasound to confirm that everything was going alright, they didnt know where the bleed was from exactly, but they said it was so minor that it would have been fine, i cried because the bleeding really made me think something happened at this point.. but he was fine, i even had the technician in tears from crying, and what really haunts me today and cant stop reliving is when she says "see, your little one is saying mummy im ok, im here!"
So after this, for awhile we thought we were invincible, that nothing would go wrong...
Now heres what angers me about it all and i do blame myself...
i had known about my pregnancy since 8weeks6days,
My family doctor sent a referral to the hospital, and i didn't get a first appointment till 19weeks, this was my first,so i just assumed that i could wait it out, and was not told that i could make an earlier app or anything,
(Yes i had 3 ultrasounds, 2 under my family doctor and 1 emergency one that i mentioned, but i had not had a midwife/ob yet...)
that same week i had that first app was the same week i went into labor, and that week i had just got a sugar lvl test which confirmed a reading of 9.5 which is high and i was going to do the 2hr test the following tuesday,
But i went into labor on the friday so never made it to that, which i feel, this could have been prevented if i was able to get an app sooner, which i believe my sugar lvls would have been known about & controlled, i find out the cause in a week, and im not looking forward to it, especially if it was because of gestational diabetes or something...
I do blame myself for not finding out if i could have got an earlier app, but because i didnt think this would happen to me, i thought i could wait out till 19weeks for my first app, like they required... well obviously i didnt
I still have thoughts that "if this sugar lvl had been detected sooner maybe my water may have not broke, and my lvls would have been controlled"
I also go back to waiting in the ER to get seen and then my waters broke and i went into a panic and how the stupid triage nurse said "go to the toilet" pfft as if i would have let this happen on the toilet, i still think what an insensitive b****!
It really does anger me, that i wasnt seen sooner, as im sure its vital to get seen before 19weeks but i honestly thought i would be fine, that i could wait for the app... i cant believe i was so stupid!
I really think the cause was gestational diabetes, and if i hear that nxt week i will be angry!
I am also going to tell the doctor that i wasnt happy with a 19week first app and that for my next pregnancy (whenever that is) that i get faster and better service!!
The other thing that bothers me is...
the fact that after i went into labor, i was only checked once for dilation and never told or checked up on how dilated i was after that, and because i didnt have contractions i didnt know when to push or if he was coming out,
why didnt i get checked if i was dilated often?
its like to them "oh its only 20weeks gestation, the child is not going to survive anyway, so it doesnt matter when shes dilated or when he comes out" thats how it feels, and they did keep mentioning frequently "remember, when he has been born, theres nothing we can do, even if he tries to take a breath, we cant do anything, because hes lungs are underdeveloped and nothing will work, not even resuscitation"
saying it as if i would ask them to help him... like im dumb... of course i knew he wouldnt survive, but the fact that i feel they had the vibe "hes going to be dead anyway" made me feel like crap! and made me feel ripped off.
only later on when everything had stopped (over 20hrs later) did i get checked and he had been sitting there for a few hours and i did not know as he was tiny and i had no indication of what to expect since i only just had my first app that week which was just basically forms and quick examination, as you can tell, i dont have other children!
I was devestated when the midwife said "im sorry, but baby is sitting there waiting to come out" and i had to ask her if she was sure because i found it unbelievable, "i could feel some limbs there" she said... that bought me back to reality...
As also i was given hope, that even though my waters had broke, that it could heal and he could survive (make it another 4weeks) if i have complete bedrest and it closes up, (i was told when u leak amniotic fluid, that its like a bath with no plug in.. so more will come.. but if the "plug" is out, then its going to keep flushing out) so i was given some hope that maybe i could make it...
The reason i didnt get an ultrasound, was that my waters broke, late friday night, and they didnt have radiologists to perform an ultrasound during the weekend, so they said "if i make it to Monday, i could see if he is alright" and if he was ok, that i would have hospital bedrest for 4weeks and then be moved to a neonatal hospital for him to survive... but he didnt make it to monday... he was delivered sunday... and i do miss my son, and wish that he was still inside me, growing and alive.
Theres nothing more heartbreaking than having to bury your child, a child that you dont have a long history with, one that you dont know their personality, what could have been... its hard to go and visit him... but i feel really guilty and bad when i dont for more than a week.
I love my son, and even though im angry at the way some things were handled and such... i still see the positive, that he was my miracle and it gives me hope that i can conceive again in the future naturally with my PCOS and that maybe next time i will carry to term a live baby (i am though also scared crapless to be pregnant again as im sure most who have losses are)
I do cherish the fact i did get photos and got to hold him, and the positive is they did treat him like a live newborn, dressed him and everything.. and i got to spend as long as i wanted with him, he was so gorgeous, and perfect, i didnt get an autopsy because i didnt want to put his body through anything else, and he was so perfect i didnt want to ruin anything and imagine what he would be put through, but they are examining the placenta and cord as far as i know.
I also am grateful that in this country, any stillbirth past 20weeks gestation it is compulsory for their birth to be registered, so im lucky to have got a birth certificate and a formal proper burial (as i know many dont get this...)
The nights are the worst for me, and i find it hard to sleep, so im up so much reading stories and such, i do have my man to cry and talk too, but he can only take so much...
I'm sorry that this has been a very long post, but i felt i needed to get this out there!
Thanks for giving me a place to do it and letting me to.
I appreciate any responses and i also feel for everyone woman here who experiences a loss.
Love You Roman, love Mummy xox
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 14th, 2009 at 10:41 PM.
Oh my darling I am so sorry... Congratulations on birthing Roman - I am just so sad it was all too soon...
I am glad you have found us here - welcome to BB - you will find many who have also said goodbye (me included) on our wonderful community in here.
Take your time - grief isn't linear - ithas bends, turns. Somedays you will think you are doing well and the next you will crash down. It's all normal.
I do urge you in your time to contact SANDS or SIDS for Kids - both great agencies for helping families through the loss of a much loved baby.
I'm so sorry for everything you and your partner have gone through. I'm sorry Roman came so early, I'm sorry you have to feel this pain. I can't imagine what your going through, but what I do know is that Roman is very lucky to have a mummy like you. And I'm sure he will be with the two of you forever.
Best of luck with with TTC when the time is right.
Last edited by Inanna; June 12th, 2009 at 11:55 PM.
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I am so very sorry for your loss and all that you have been through, no one should have to go through that . Please take care of yourself. I agree with Flowerchild in encouraging you to contact SIDS or SANDS. I lost my daughter 7-mths ago now and while I still have my moments and will never forget her it does get easier with time. I really pray that you are able to conceive another miracle naurally as well when you and your DP are ready. We are here to support you in any way you need, feel free to chat / vent anytime. Take care
thinking of you and your precious son Roman, sending you hugs.
I feel your pain.
My story is in this section: http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...ilda-rose.html
Be kind to yourself, we are here for you if you need us.
My waters also broke a few days before Maddison was born. I have since talked to many doctors and specialist and they have all told me that maybe I could have gone on until 28weeks if I have not got an infections but my out come still would have been the same. Maddison would not have survived. Her lungs could not have developed with out fluid. I felt so guilty for such a long time feeling like I had given up on her by being induced. I know realise 17 weeks down the track. I made the best decision at the time with the information I had.
If you even need some one to talk to Teddy Love Club Inc. - Home - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
there is a 1800 number and you can talk to Jaylee or Trudi who a both breaved mothers. I have called them so many times and they have always helped me sort things out in my head.
Be kind to yourself.
Rachel
Last edited by Nelle; July 8th, 2009 at 12:25 AM.
: Just editing out signature with ticker :)
Thanks everyone for your kind words, it really does help, reading others stories and seeing pictures of other beautiful angels also helps, thankyou for your story Tracey, i felt very sad for your loss while reading, *hugs*,
i will also be going for the follow up on Wednesday coming up, and i will probably come home and update here with whatever answers i get, i am also wondering if theres certain questions i should ask the doctor i see? is there anything you asked that helped you get answers? I only have a few questions to ask, but im feeling like i need more, but dont know what to ask, some of the questions ive come up with:
(sorry if tmi)
Is everything ok down there?
Am i able to conceive again?
When can we start again? (for future reference)
Will i get better care next time?
Could Roman have survived?
Why was my first app at 19 weeks?
What was the answers to the tests on the placenta/cord?
Did i have gest diabetes?
Whats my sugar levels now?
ask for a full rundown on what happened in detail
ask for a referral to counselling etc..
If you have any great questions i should ask, it would help greatly.
I also got my period the other day, on the 10th June, but im wondering if it is definitely a period, as i bled from 2-3 weeks after birth, and its been a couple of weeks since that stopped, but i wonder if the same bleeding has started again... or if it is def a period, because i have no idea, and i do hope its a period, although atm i hate seeing the sight of blood coming from down there, because i should still be pregnant!
Even though it was bad circumstances, i am glad i found a great support forum online to come to and talk, read and grieve with others
I'm very sorry for all of your losses, and wish i could help you all in some way too xo
Also, Rachel, i had a look at your website for your darling daughter, Maddison, and she was so beautiful! she looks very similar to Roman, so that did help seeing a beautiful girl that lookslike him, you have some very nice photos of her and your family, where did u get some of the name photos done? it looks very creative.
Thanks to everyone again, and i will check back often and read other stories and try and support others.
Its hard seeing other pregnant women and newborns, i guess part of it is jealousy, and i do feel guilty for not being happy for these women, but i just cant handle it, when i see them, i have to walk in another direction/exit the shop etc.. because it really pees me off, and sometimes i feel like why should i have to put up with seeing this when i go out,
i know i cant avoid it, and i know they are just thrilled to be pregnant and having a little one, i dont like the ones that wear very tight clothes though to the point where its way to noticable, and i know its not their fault how i feel and that their just happy to show off their baby bump. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Even when stupid baby ads/pregnancy come on tv it triggers something, reading the newspaper and magazines i just keep saying "this is rediculous, theres no way to escape it at all!"
I've also had to tell a pregnant friend that i cant be around her or talk to her for a long while, because i cant deal with it, (shes more an acquaintance) i had to tell her over facebook because she was updating news every few minutes on how shes feeling etc.. and that shes finding out the sex soon... and she didnt take it well that i was going to take her off my account for awhile... i feel a little guilty for it but i felt it was right for me to do.
Aswell as this, i really dont like when i see women with their children and their so frustrated with them and disinterested, because i would do anything to be a mum right now, and seeing parents complaining about their children to their friends, it really sends my blood boiling, i know that parenting must be hard and such with little children of course, but i feel some parents really take their children for granted and complain too much, is it wrong to think like that? does anyone else feel this way? like sometimes i feel like telling them what ive been through and that they are lucky to have a happy & healthy kid.
Last edited by AngelRomansMum; June 13th, 2009 at 10:41 AM.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son.. Let me tell you everything you are feeling is completely normal.. It has been 6 months since the death of my twins (24wkers, survived for 12 days) and it's only now I can be in social situations with other mums and bubs without feeling the raw grief and jealousy.. It does get better though with time and talking about it however you feel comfortable will help. I love to talk and will tell anyone who will listen, but my partner prefers not too.. It can be hard, grieving so differently, but I have found so much support on the net and through support meetings.. I would love to write more but I am in a rush, I just couldn't read and run though.. Take care. Also wanted to add you are very brave to tell your story..
Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious angel Roman.
I understand all too well your frustration at the hospital not seeing you until 19 weeks. It was the same with me when I was pregnant with Noah. My local hospital wouldn't see me until I was 19 weeks, and the day I was meant to be there seeing them, I was in another hospital 3hrs away being told that my baby wasn't going to live. I was mad as hell at my hospital and my GP for what I thought was a lack of care. I wondered if there was more they could have done for me, and if I could have found out more sooner, but for me that wasn't so.
When I eventually fell pregnant with Harrison 3 months after losing Noah, I decided to go back to the hospital I birthed Noah at, which was about 40kms from where I lived. They saw me from about a week after getting my positive pregnancy test and I went on to have care that I could not fault and in the end I had a forever baby.
It is really hard seeing pregnant people everywhere, there were baby sales on everywhere when I lost Noah, and my sister was also 4 weeks behind me in her pregnancy and carrying a little boy. Most people I told understood my apprehension at being around pregnant women and my sister was fine. When I fell pregnant with Harrison so soon after, it became the norm for me to be around them again as I was pregnant too and that was ok for me then, but it took me close to 2 weeks before I met my nephew as his birth brought home loads of emotions for me.
I am sorry your friend reacted how she did on FB, perhaps it is the best thing for both of you to have some time out.
I hope you get the answers to your questions hun. In the mean time, please ask away in here and feel the love and support many of us have for you. It is a very sad road to travel down, but for me it made it feel a little less rough to know I wasn't travelling alone.
Big hugs
_______________________________________
J- 15 M- 11 H- 2 Noah Thomas - Born an angel, 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d) Little Wing (8w3d)
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I have no advice but I just wanted to offer my support.
I am sickened at the way you were treated whilst birthing your beautiful boy, may he rest in peace and fly with the angels.
xxx
Hi darling,
I am sooo sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself and taking time to grieve for your beautiful miracle baby.
I lost twins at 26 weeks on March 25th. Please know that all these feelings that you have are very normal.
In terms of support please know that there is so many beautiful groups/people around to take ypur hand on this journey. One of them is BB, they are a beautiful group of women who give invaluable advise and love. I have joined SIDS and Kids and SANDS, both are very welcoming and supporting. So far I have attended a group meeting at each organisation, it has changed my outook on everything, and I would highly recommmend group therapy. Everyone is different of course, and all in your own time. There is never a 'right' time. I attended my first meeting 4 weeks after the event, but I felt like I was ready to open up to this type of support.
At my first meeting, I admit I was terribly nervous and unsure I was actually ready to do this, but once I started telling my story I was immediately welcomed with open arms.
Group therapy is the most amazing experience as you are in a room with others who know exactly how you feel and the depth of your loss.
Please feel free to PM me as I am in Melbourne and more then happy to help in any way I can.
Take care and sending you hugs
I'm feeling sad today, miss my Roman so much
I cant sleep either, i uploaded pics of him to FB, yesterday, and not many of my friends ive given an invite to look, have commented even though they said they were looking... what did i do wrong, i got a few nice comments that he is adorable... but so many people have ignored it... and i feel sad, these are the only pics ill ever have of him, no more to show off to everyone, no first steps or first smiles to show off, it hurts.
I am so sorry you are feeling so low.
Hardly any of my friends and nearly all of my family never commented on reading Maddison's story or photos. I don't even know if anyone read it. I was really upset about it for a long time and still am a little. We also atteneded a walkathon in memory of Maddison only 4 people came with me. I have just come to realise that people just don't know what to say.. I don't think they realise how important it is to leave a comment. and sadly there life goes on, and it feels likes ours had stopped I would imagine you are like me and Roman is your every waking thought. I wan't you to knoe jessica that the days to get better and true friends will be there for you.
Look after your self I hope you are having more good days than sad
xx
Sending you big hugs
Rachel
Last edited by Nelle; July 8th, 2009 at 12:31 AM.
: Just editing out signature with ticker :)
Thankyou for your reply, it helped knowing someone read how i feel & wanted to respond, you & me grieve in similar ways i think, yes Roman is on my mind 24/7 hes my every waking thought, before sleep and when i wake up i think of him the most, some days it feels surreal that this has happened, and the nights events repeat over and over in my mind.
I'm also saddened that your family & friends didnt comment on Maddison's story & photos, just saying a little comment, helps, it really does, and it shows they care, even if they dont know what to say, just a im thinking of you, or thanks for sharing with me, is nice.
I think many people dont want to know that babies can die, and that this does happen, so they want to ignore it or not be part of it, it really is sad because there needs to be more awareness and more understanding, much more.
Yeah, people who dont comment, they are enjoying life, having fun, as i always read & see, and i wonder if they acknowledge anything that goes on around them that is not always happy, because it feels that they dont want to know about anything unless its happy, but people should be there for you in bad times too, not just when everything is going great
I've had my good day today, i got out with my boyfriend and did some much needed shopping and a nice lunch and a movie, so i felt good today, and feeling better, but i know theres going to be more lows, but thats how it goes...
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Congratulations on birthing Roman - I am just so sad it was all too soon... 
Noah Thomas - Born an angel, 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d)
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