This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. When I came back from hospital, I thought I would come in here and tell my story.... I read everyone's heartbreaking stories, then I thought I would have a go at writing mine. I tired so many times to write mine, but no words would come, only tears. But today, today I think I am ready.....
I was 15w 3d, and I was woken up by really bad cramping pains, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought that I would go for a shower, try and watch some TV, and just wait for my husband to wake up. There was no blood, just the pain. The pain, I would not wish that on anybody.
Paul woke up at 5am, and I told him about the pain, I told him that I was going to go to Mum's, ( every girl needs her Mum in times like this), she asked me what the pain was like, I tried to explain, in between the crying. She said that they sounded like contractions, and got my younger sister to take me up to the hospital. We got up there by 5:30am, I was in so much pain, I just wanted the pain to go away, and they just wanted to ask questions, ( I know this is their job, but the pain).
They took me back through to emergency, and I had to sit on a chair, while they found me a bed, I was so dizzy and needed some food, but I couldn't incase I needed to go into surgery. At this time, they wouldn't let Tamika in, so I went and got her, and she found a really nice nurse, who found me a bed and was getting a Doctor to come and have a look at me, by this stage I was classed as a Cat 2. I thought the pain was bad before, now I was doubled over in pain, screaming for some relief, the nurse had a look to make sure there was no baby there. It had only been about 20 minutes, but felt like hours, they gave me some morphine. It took some of the pain away, I never want to feel this pain again.
By this time, they had found me a cubical, and wheeled me in there, the doctors came and talked to me, asked a zillion questions, then went away, gave some more morphine. Another doctor came in and done an internal, but didn't say anything. Next a drip went in, but still couldn't eat or drink. Tamika called Paul (husband) to come up, I was so scared. A couple of hours passed and a Gyno came and done an ultrasound, but she said that she couldn't really see anything, she did say that she could see the baby and a heartbeat, Paul said that he couldn't see on at all, and that I would need to go have a vaginal ultrasound.
There was still no blood, and no one was really telling me anything, so they came and got me for the ultrasound, she tried on the belly first, but she also said that she couldn't see and that I would need to take the bottoms off. She was looking, and I said to her, can you see the heartbeat, she said I am so sorry, but NO Just as she said this, I said I think I am bleeding, she told me that I was, and that the baby was at the top of the vagina. I didn't cry, I didn't want to cry in front of them. They took me back to birthing suits, and a few minutes later Paul came in, and I just bawled.
They said that they would give me a couple of hours, to see if the placenta would come out, and if not then I would have to go and have surgery to manually remove it. They had a look,and the baby was crowning, they cut the cord, and showed us our baby. It was hard not being able to hold our baby, but she was so tiny. She had all 10 fingers and toes, and she was perfect to us. We are not sure it she was a girl or not, but I had a feeling that she was.
The placenta didn't come out, so I had to go in for surgery. I had a spinal, cos I am paranoid about being put under, its a strange feeling not being able to feel your legs. The doctor told me the next day, that the cervix was only open a little bit, but the got the placenta out, and cleaned me out inside.
I am home now, but having a miscarriage is the hardest thing and the most painful thing I have ever been through. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. I do believe that things happen for a reason, we don't have to like them. I feel so empty.
If I cry in front of my Mum, she tells me not to cry, but I need to, I know she is not saying DON'T cry, she just doesn't want to see me in pain. I told Paul that I don't want to sit there all day and cry, but I do need to cry. I know the pain wont go away, but will fade, and Paul says that we will never forget.... How could we?
I am so sorry for anyone who has gone through this painful situation, if anyone wants to talk and they need someone to listen, I am here, as are all the other brave ladies.
Huggabug,
I am so, so sorry
That is an awful experience to have had. I can't imagine your feeling of loss at this horrible time.
I'm glad you've got a lot of great support - your Mum and DH sound lovely.
The emptiness does fade, but your DH is right - you won't forget.
Take care of yourself sweety, my thoughts are with you through this terrible time in your life.
XX
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have tears in my eyes after reading your story as I know that the emotional pain you are feeling right now is probably as bad as the physical pain you felt.
You are such a beautiful person for thinking about how you could help other people when you yourself are going through such a difficult time. Many to you.
Cry when you are alone if you dont want to cry in front of people. I think that the reason that we do cry is because the emotional pain we feel deep inside is too much for our bodies to contain so we relaese through tears. Maybe light a special candle for your little angel and just let it all out.
Kylie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your precious butterfly. I'm so sorry you lost you little girl so early. Big hugs to you and your DH. I will remember both of you in my prayers.
Oh sweetie I am so so sorry to read of your loss.
I think you really need to let those tears out, cry your heart out and let yourself grieve for your little angel. You are entitled to feel sad, angry and even a bit of denial its all a natural part of any grieving process, be kind to yourself you have just gone through so much and I am sure your little angel is near you in spirit.
Oh hun, Im so sorry that you have lost your precious little one
I still cry when I think of the day my Madison grew her wings and that was 3 1/2 years ago.
I know at the moment things seem hopeless but in time you will stop crying , everyday at least, and the pain wont be so raw.
The worst thing you can do is keep your feelings inside and pretend to be strong. Please dont feel afraid to cry and take as much time as you need to grieve.
I am so sorry about your loss. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. It's ok to cry, get mad, scream or just sleep. I think that I did all of those things. If you ever need to talk there are always people here to listen or share with. It's almost been a year and still there is not a day goes by that I don't miss my lil angel. BIG HUGS!
Kylie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
Please take your time to grieve the way you feel is right. I know your Mum means well, she doesn't want to see you hurting... perhaps you need to explain to her (or your DH could) that you need to cry... you need to travel through these crashing waves of emotions in order to get to the calmer seas... it will take some time, but you will get there.
Your husband is right... you will never, ever forget.
oh Kylie, I am so sorry sweetie . That is just such a terrible loss. I too have suffered a late miscarriage when I lost my little son Joshua at 20 weeks. That was by far the most heart breaking and devastating experience of my life.
All I can say to you, is please grieve and cry as much as you need to hun, as you have every right to do that. You feel shocked, numb, angry, and then so empty, but this is what a grieving mother goes through. With time you will learn how to live with that grief, and you'll never forget your son. He is such a big part of you.
I wish you with all my heart much strength and courage to get through this very sad time. You and your little angel are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care Kylie,
Beata xxx
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Our Precious Butterfly
Just as she said this, I said I think I am bleeding, she told me that I was, and that the baby was at the top of the vagina. I didn't cry, I didn't want to cry in front of them. They took me back to birthing suits, and a few minutes later Paul came in, and I just bawled.
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