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Thread: Please say the magic words ...

  1. #19

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    Big hugs to you
    I am sorry that you are going through this awful experience.



    I learnt the hard way after my first m/c that my DH grieved in a totally different way to me.

    This is my story:
    We had the most terrible terrible fights after our first m/c. But I learnt alot about myself and him in those fights. I learnt about he grieved and amazingly he learnt about the support that I needed/wanted.

    So on Tuesday I wasn't offended that he chose his mother to cry with, I just gave him hugs as he cried down the phone - we haven't cried together yet. And I sent him off to work today despite having a D&C yesterday - he needed to be busy. He asked me today if I needed him tomorrow as I am off again, but I said only if he needed to be at home. He did write a simple and very meaningful card to me and bought me chocolates and wine the night of the D&C. (he learnt this in our fights - me yelling at the top of my voice for all the neighbours to hear; embarrassingly funny now. I thought my marriage was going to end then.)



    You will never forget your child - I have named all of mine - DH is sort of aware, but I don't feel he is ready to understand so I don't push the point of the names I have choosen. I know that one day he will come to accept that these special angels have names.

    I suppose what I am trying to say in all of this is that it is true that men and women are very different! Talk to your girl friends or online friends who have been through all of this - they will be there for you. Online may be anoymous, but sometimes they are the most understanding of all - in my experience. Give your man time to grieve. He may never understand and neither may your family - I have seen/experienced that happening. My father never understood my mother's grief over her m/c. My sister was very very rude to me after my second loss. If it hasn't happened to them they really just don't get it at all.

    Once again I am sorry that you have had to join the 'club'. It's a terrible thing but know that there are lots of us out there and we share in the grief of never knowing our little ones.

    I hope that the passage of time heals some of your wounds with this experience, it will never rob your memories, but maybe take away some of the sharp pain you are feeling.

  2. #20

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    Oct 2007
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    Pennsylvania
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    Sending a cyberhug because you're in so much pain. words are so inadequate right now.

  3. #21

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    Hi Stolen Angel - I have read your story and could not go past without posting.
    I am really really sorry for your loss and I hope that you will find all the strength you need to get through it. This is one of the msot horrible htings that can happen to a woman, I believe, a loss of a pregnancy is also loss of a child (well for me anyway) - whether it was through a miscarriage or stillbirth . And I can see for you it is also so.
    There's no words that can take away your pain, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand you and I'm here if you need to talk. I too was devasted by my loss at 11.5 weeks 5 months ago and I can surely say that I will never be the person as I was before, I will never look at life the same, my innocense and sense of humor are long gone. I still think of my little one every day and cry very often still. Bur slowly-slowly, I'm gettign used to my new "being" and it is not so bad I msut say. I have grown a lot from this experience and now, rom knowing what real pain is, I appreciate the good things in life a lot more and I'm wishing you the same.

    Hugs
    Katia

  4. #22

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    melbourne
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    i too could not go past without posting, i am sending you a bundle of hugs at this time adn really hope you find the support you need. So much of what you have written i could identify with, as i had always wanted a 3rd child and the horror of losing Jack has hit hard espo after it took my husband so long to agree to another pregnancy also. so i hope that you can find some one in your life that you can lean on, even for a bit. it is really hard for our partners to understand our side of our loss, i remember mine asked did i really want to name our baby jack or did i want to save it for another baby (who might survive). I was shattered that he would think this baby meant any less to me than one who was full term. You HAVE lost a baby, no more no less...i just wrote in another post that people don't understand and they do turn their backs as they are unsure of what to say but someone will come along for you in terms of family, a friend, a counselling service or even here. Support here is amazing, so use all of us! Take care of yourself, eventhough you don't want to as it is a difficult time and we do need to remember to take time out for ourselves. xxx

  5. #23
    Stolen's angel Guest

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    I was getting so much better ... and then I discovered that my husband's version of grieving was flirting outrageously with some woman on-line while I slept in the room next door.

  6. #24

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    Oh Stolen Angel, i am really sorry.

    Escapism is their favourite way of coping, not to make any excuses for him, what he was doing was not nice, but i have noticed with my DH that completley ignoring things and doing out rageous out of character things was a big thing for him!!

    I wouldnt take it too seriously, unless he attempts to meet this lady, but i would ask him not to talk to her anymore and try to let him know how much it;s hurt you. My DH's fave is to just leave me alone for hours, some times days, he takes off with his mates and calls to say he is too drunk to get home, or sometimes doesnt even call, and when i call him he makes it out like i am keeping tabs on him, he is just with his mates, but still, i hate it when he just ups and goes knowing i am sitting at home on the verge of tears 24/7 and his way of coping is to just simply run away and hope i am in a better mood when he finaly returns.... which doesnt usually happen, i sit there and spend the whole time remembering things he has done to annoy me, or more importantly things he HASNT done around the house or said he would do, and i am furious by the time he gets home, which you guessed it, makes him get the poo's and leave again!!!!! Vivious curcle, which over the last few eeks we have been both trying to remedy.

    Good luck, and i hope you sort things out dear

    take care
    xoxoxoxoxoxo

  7. #25

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    I have no words - I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you

  8. #26

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    I"m so sorry you've been having such a crappy time of it. Sending encouragement vibes and a cyberhug.

    But as long as I live, I'll never understand why sometimes men feel the need to act out like this...

  9. #27

    Default all i can say is i feel for you

    and sending you hugs. i know some men feel their masculinity has been challenged when they can't give their wife a healthy baby. look after your emotional state, talk to your girlfriends if you can, and maybe when you can forgive him a little, try to draw him out about how hes feeling.

    but he has NO right to add to your pain.

  10. #28

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    Jun 2007
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    Hi Stolen's Angel - I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and I understand that the pain runs deep and hurts in a way no one who has not gone through this would understand.

    I am so sorry that your husband is not offering the support you need or deserve. I have come to learn that men grieve very differently to women and this can be a huge challenge. It seems so unfair that in a time in our lives when we need them to be there supporting and sharing, they choose to close up. My DH and I had a big talk on Friday night and it has really helped clear the air - one thing he said which may apply to you and your partner, is that he has come to realise that I love our baby as much as DH loves me. He said that sometimes he felt excluded - like Nathaniel and I were our own little team and he wasn't part of it. I told him that we wanted him in our team but felt he had distanced himself. He agreed he had put up walls to protect himself from being hurt. Once we got this out, we were able to see how we were both frustrated at something that could be solved just by talking.

    I don't know if this is maybe how your husband feels, but you need to talk to him and tell him what you need from him. He has no right to compound your grief by flirting with other women. It sounds to me like he may be hiding from your and his own grief.

    I hope you are okay and sending your a big hug Take care.
    Last edited by Katiegirl; February 12th, 2008 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Added a little bit more

  11. #29
    Stolen's angel Guest

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    Hi,

    After reading the logs on my husband's computer that weekend, I totally lost it. In true Jerry Springer fashion I raged for hours, flushed my wedding ring down the loo and had him in tears by dawn. I sent the kids to his mom for the weekend and just had a total emotional collapse. By Sunday morning we were really talking to each other for the first time since I had started bleeding, he felt by not showing me his grief he was being strong for me. Ironically it was only when we were both lying sobbing on the bed together that I started healing. He has made it impossible for this female to contact him again. I feel incredibly betrayed by this stranger, as she knew I had just lost my baby and how I would be feeling, as she had a stillbirth of her own last year.

    Life seems more positive all around right now, although I still get these moments of total agony every time I see anything remotely baby related. I get physical feelings of panic when I think about losing another baby, but if I want another baby this is something I just have to get through.

  12. #30

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    Sending great, big cyberhug. I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

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