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Thread: struggling to come to terms.

  1. #1
    kristy lee Guest

    Default struggling to come to terms.

    hey all,
    im just here as i came across this place when i was googling information.
    well my story is on 20th october 2007 i went to get my 8 weeks ultrasound and i got the news that i didnt want to ever hear, my babies heart had stopped and i will no longer be a mummy. i was just in shock and i was trying to hold in my tears and not cry. my boyfirend was there with me when i got this ultrasound and he was so brave and then when the ultrasound lady walked out the room to ring my doctor to say i need to get to see her urgently i just couldnt keep it in and i just cried so much.
    i then left to head to my doctor and i just couldnt stop crying and all i wanted was my mum and i couldnt get through to her so i had to ring my step dad and get him to find mum and then mum rang me and mum met me at my doctor and i just cried to my mum.
    after seeing doctor i got told to go home and wait for the hospital to ring to tell me when i will be coming in to get my procedure done and i had to go in 7am the next morning.
    in the meanitme i didnt sleep that night because i was too scared to incase i started to miscarry at home, which i didnt. i was just so scared i would and i would panic so much.
    i then went to the hospital the next morning and i had my mum and my boyfriend by my side the whole time and i was just scared at the hospital i didnt know what to do or say, it was a very long day there and emtionally draining for us all.
    since coming home i have had and still do get bad pains in my lower part of my tummy and i am still struggling to come to terms with what has happened. i am now to scared to try to have a bay again because i am scared the same thing will happen to me and i dont want to go through any of that again.
    the hardest part has been i wne to the docotrs when i was about 1 week into my pregnancy and i didnt know. i had lots of bleeding and my local doctor told me i had a miscarriage and then 5 weeks later i was really sick with what we thought i had a visus but the doctor told me i was pregnant and i didnt believe him because of what i just got told so he done an ultrasound and i seen a heart beat and i was so happy then 2 weeks later at 8 weeks i get told my babies heart has stopped beating and im no longer going to be a mummy. so i have just felt so confused and so emotional about the whole thing.
    im sick of people telling me to get over it, its not that easy. and all i want to to feel like i have someone to talk to. yes i do have my mum she is the best and we do talk about it but i just wish i could talk to my boyfirend about it all but he just doenst seem to be wanting to or anything.
    i just dont know what to do and thats why i thought i would see if anyone can offer me any advice as it would greatly be appreciated.
    thank you all for taking the time to read this and offering me any help.
    take care and thanks again.
    sorry for this been so long i didnt realise how much i typed, sorry.


  2. #2

    Join Date
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    Oh Kristy Lee... I am so sorry for your loss sweetie :hugs:
    The only advice I can give you is to allow yourself to grieve... cry, vent, scream if you have to... and please always know and I am here for you as I am sure there will be many others on here too, for if and when you ever need to talk.
    Bigs hugs to you honey

  3. #3

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    So sorry to hear of your loss, there is no time frame to "get over" these things, you need to do it in your own time and everyone else needsto understand that.
    Hugs to you
    xxx

  4. #4

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    Just give yourself some time , i am not coping at all i get up and cry till lunch time and then off and on for the rest off the day , i fell each day is getting alittle easer.sending you a big hug.

  5. #5

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    kristy lee

    Firstly I am very sorry for the loss of your little one. It is just so heartbreaking, and soooo hard to recover from. I wish I could take your pain away.

    Following my miscarriages I was still very upset for a long time. I also found it hard to know who to talk to about it. I didn't want keep burdening my friends about something they hadn't experienced. Don't let anyone make you think you should be over it by a certain time. So many people haven't a clue what its like, except for this place. You will find such wonderful support here. Don't be afraid to bare you best and worst thoughts here, I have in the past and it really helped.

    My husband didn't grieve in the same way as me, but how can they?

    The best advice I can give you is just take it one tiny step at a time and be prepared for many steps back again.

  6. #6

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    Hi Kristy lee
    Sorry to hear your bad news.
    You will find that you never got over it but you learn to live with it and it does get easyer as time goes by.
    Men tend to do their crying away from us women, I think its a man thing. I had trouble understanding at first as I thought my DH didn't care and was unaffected by everything. But I was wrong.
    The ladies here seem to know alot and normaly someone knows the answer to your question when you post or they understand your situation as they have been through it also. So feel free to post, vent, ask!!!!
    Take care
    Chris

  7. #7

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    Kristy Lee - firstly - big hugs - i'm so sorry for your loss

    as the others have said - it is important to let yourself grieve - talk, cry, scream - do whatever it is you need to do to get by. this is only very recent, and no one would expect you to be feeling bright as a button and on top of the world again straight away. it's a bit of a cliche, but it does get easier as time passes. you just have to face each moment as it comes. there are so many ladies on BB who have, unfortunately, gone through a similar loss to your own so coming here to talk is always helpful. you WILL get through this. and one day you'll decide you want to try for another baby - but no one can dictate when that will be. it is something only you will know - and even then you'll feel a degree of fear and trepidation about being pregnant or losing another angel - but you'll know that yo're ready to take that step.

    as for your partner - i don't believe that he doesn't care - it's just very different for them. having their partner pregnant is really just an idea - yeah, they get excited, but until much later in pregnancy, when they can feel bubs kick, they don't have the same physical connection that we have from the day we find out, so the grief they feel is very different. it's definitely a man thing to not express their emotions, and sometimes it comes across as not caring, but in a lot of cases it's that ingrained thing where they fell they need to be the protector, the source of strength - they have to be there to get you through and that is their number one priority at the time - my DH was like that, and it hurt like hell to think he didn't care, until he finally opened up to me months later when he knew that i had regained the strength to be able to be HIS rock and shoulder to cry on

    this is a really hard time for you hun - be gentle to yourself - allow yourself to grieve

    BG

  8. #8

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    Kristy Lee I am so very sorry for your loss of your little angel. You have found a wonderfully supportive site full of women and men who will be here to listen to you and support you through this. Please be kind to yourself and grieve everyway you feel you need too.

  9. #9

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    Kristy, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your story sounds so similar to mine - scan at 6.5 weeks and everything was ok, scan at 8.5 weeks and everything was far from ok.

    I had cramping continue for around a week after my D&C, it does settle in time.

    It does get better in time, I know it may not feel like that now, but it does. Men grieve for lost babies in totally different ways to women. It may seem that he doesn't care, but it may be a case of him wanting to be strong for you - that's what we faced with my DH. He tried so hard to be strong, I was falling apart and he felt he needed to be the one to hold things together. I started to think he didn't care... I was wrong.

    Be gentle on yourself, be gentle on your partner. Give yourself and your partner the time and space you need to grieve.

    Once again, I'm so very, very sorry for your loss.

    BW

  10. #10

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    Kristy, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You have come to the right place, the girls on BB are fantastic and have helped me a lot in the past couple of weeks. Take your time to grieve and heal. It is such a difficult time but each day does get a little easier.

    Big hugs
    Fi

  11. #11

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    Sorry for your loss. You sound so devastated. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  12. #12

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    Kristy Lee, i am so sorry for your loss. hugs and tears for you. xxoom

  13. #13
    kristy lee Guest

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    thank you all so much for all your support. it means so much to me that there are people out there in the same sitautions and are all willing to help others. it really truly does mean the world to me, i thank you all with all my heart.
    well tuesday night me and my partner sat down and talked and i cried so much and he said he does care with all his heart he is just trying to be as strong as he can for me to help me through this and he said if he sounds like he doesnt want to talk about it or that he does, he some times sounds like he doesnt want to talk i can tell in his voice but he says he doesnt mean to sound like that at all. so that was a huge weight taken off my shoulders.

    just a question if anyone may know an answer... when is it safe or when are you allowed to try to have another baby? from this experience it has made us realise how much more we want to try and have a family but it will be when we have healed from this experience and when we are totally ready and not before.

    many thanks for you help and everyones support.
    my heart goes out to you all too.

  14. #14

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    Hi Kristy Lee. Firstly i'm so sorry for your loss its a horrible horrible thing to go through.
    In regards to when you can try again i'd say whenever you feel ready emotionally and physically i've been told that its best to at least wait for one AF. I had a m/c at 6 weeks and my Dr. said it would be ok for me to try again whenever i felt ready. A friend of mine had a m/c at the same time as me and she was 8 weeks and her Dr. told her to wait for 2 AFs but if she fell pregnant after one AF then that's ok too but neither of us had to have a d&c so mabye just check with your doctor and ask. But i would think at least wait for your AF to return so that you know your body is back to normal and it'll also give you time to heal emotionally..
    I hope that helps some, Big hugs to you

  15. #15

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    Hi Kristy Lee,

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is a really difficult time and I don't think you ever get over it as such, well let's say you never forget.
    There is no right or wrong time to try again just make sure you check with your doctor. It took me awhile to be mentally ready to try again but medically there was no reason why we couldn't try again straight away.
    Chin up, you will come out the otherside of this a stronger and wiser woman. Take whatever time you need to grieve and make sure you keep talking to your partner.

  16. #16

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    Kristy Lee

    I recently had a m/c and saw my FS today to talk about my plans for TTC again. She asked if I was ready now or wanted to wait a while. I have decided to wait a little while as emotionally I am just not ready yet, but physcially there is no reason why I couldn't start now. But I didn't have to have a d&c so I'm not sure if that is any different. Just check with your dr but my understanding is that you can try again as soon as you are ready.

    Good luck with it

    Fi

  17. #17

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    Kristy Lee,

    Some hugs for you :hugs:, and sympathy too

  18. #18
    kristy lee Guest

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    sorry for such a late response, i havent had any internet access at all but i have solved the problem now.

    it has now been 55 days to the day which i heard the terrible news. i have been trying to be really strong and try and get back into my every day things to keep my mind off it all, no it doesnt help. i really do think something like this stays with you for ever, no matter how long in the pregnancy you were.
    since all this it has made me realise i do actually want a baby and a family along with it.
    i had my first normal period 3 weeks after everything my procedure and i was due to get my period again 3 days again but nothing, no period pains or nothing. it is really playing mind games with me because im thinking could my period just be late still because of everything thats happened or could i possibly be pregnant again??? i am really scared to take a test because im scared to be let down as now it would mean the world to me if i fall pregnant and have a healthy baby. i am just scared to get my hopes up only to be let down and shattered again.
    i have read on some information on the net that if you take a pregnancy test it can still show negative if you are in your first 2 weeks of pregnancy??
    its all just really playing with my mind and confusing me so much and it is all scaring me too.
    thanks everyone, all the comments do really help and do mean so much to me.

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