Jols, I think you're feelings and fears are pretty common. I too was disappointed with my first birth, although it wasn't too bad, I had an epidural and a tear which became an episiotomy. I am much happier with my second birth - just gas and a small tear which left me with such little pain I needed no pain relief. I think the biggest difference second time around was being more prepared - I had been through labour once, so had less fear of it and more idea of what to expect. And also I had done a lot of reading up after my first birth and had a much better idea about positioning etc. The best thing I can recommend to you is to read great birth books like New Active Birth. Knowledge is power, and while things can still go wrong, knowing what works best and what doesn't gives you a much better chance of getting the birth you want. GL.