Terrific Fear of Birth! Possibly upsetting. It is for me.

[Netix]

This is my third pg and birth. And I am terrified of the upcoming birth. I don't know if this is a normal or rational fear or not. I think maybe it is a contributing factor to my lack of attendance to medical appointments for this pg (coupled with lack of confidence in my carers). I don't know if this thread is just me needing to get this fear out of my mind (if possible!), or if anyone can offer any help.

My first two births were both "normal", each with only gas as pain relief. I think I asked for an epidural *very* late in the game. And death. I hated it. Both times. Fantastic. Now I am crying. The first labour was long (about twenty six hours), and my waters had to be broken. I was sure that I fainted when they did it, but the mw's and the Man were and are adamant that I did not faint. I had one or two internal tears I think, which needed a few stitches. I was given a local anesthetic for that, and didn't feel the stitches. But sure as hell felt the needle for the anesthetic! A couple of days after the birth, I was given a cannula as they thought I had endometriosis (sp). It made me mad, and the dr and mw's made me see the social worker "before I was allowed to leave the hospital". They accused me of not wanting my baby, because I could not pick her up with this "thing" in my arm. They made me have a drip, when I could have just had a tablet.

The second labour, was fairly short (about seven and a half hours, most of which I did at home, I was only in the birthing suite fifteen minutes before DS was born). My waters broke while I was sitting on the loo in the birthing suite (because it was the most comfortable place to be!), and I panicked, because I still believed that I had fainted when my waters were broken for the first birth. I was so scared of fainting 'again', and had difficulty making it back to the bed to give birth, as DS's head was "right there". Again, an internal tear which required stitches. The needle for the anesthetic again hurt like hell, but I felt every stitch. Every tug of the needle. It was truly agony, I still recall, probably more than the birth itself. The nurses didn't seem to believe me that I could feel the stitching. I felt at the time they didn't care. I screamed while they stitched me.

This time, as with the others, I am scared to death of something "going wrong". Perhaps even moreso this time. I am so scared of fainting. February 1 last year I fainted, then I stopped breathing, and my heart stopped. Despite all possible medical tests, I still have no answer. Nothing even ruled out. Doctors told me the easy way to "make sure it never happens again". How I asked? "Don't faint." How? I don't have any control over it. I fainted in hospital in December while a nurse was trying to put a cannula in my hand as I was dehydrated from vomiting due to morning sickness. When I came to, I was freaking out so much. I can't do that during the labour. Or birth. This is so upsetting for me to even type. I am glad the Man has gone out so that he doesn't see me crying about it, and "worrying about something that might not be". I was in the car with him last February when all hell broke loose, and he was holding me in hospital in December when I fainted. I don't want to make him worry again, as he did that day in the car. At one of the few ob appointments I went to for this pg (I haven't seen anyone since just before New Year's), the ob put into my notes that I am afraid of fainting, and to "watch for it" during the labour. What for? I couldn't get him to explain. That scares me. Being petrified of needles (I can't even look at them, even if they are nothing to do with me), I am so scared of "having to have" a drip for something. I don't want a drip, and I can't do it. I know I have said that I asked for an epidural the first two times. I think I was in that much pain, I just wanted it to stop. Epi, or death. They both seemed on the level for me at the time. I don't want them to cut me. I am scared of having a c-section. To the point I can't even read the threads in that section. I am scared of them wanting to give me an episiotomy. I don't care if I tear, and I don't know if that is right. I don't want another needle for an anesthetic and stitches, but I would rather see if I "need them", rather than be forced into them. How do I make it clear I don't want them to cut me? I don't remember any feelings of tearing for either birth, and don't want to think about someone coming at me with a knife for the same purpose.

This will be my very last pg and birth. None of my pg's have been "glowing" or "cheery" or any of that bs. I know it is a terrific miracle of these little beings created inside me from a single cell, and I am very thankful for that, but. BUT the morning, noon and night sickness is never ending. Never ending too were and are the promises that the sickness would end at twelve weeks. Or twenty weeks. Or soon. F that. I can't do it anymore. And the births. I don't know if all births are like that. I haven't been able to read any birthing stories. Ever.

I feel like shrugging my shoulders, because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. Or do. I don't know if this is depression again. Or what. I am shrugging my shoulders, and feel like saying I give up.

[veus]

I have no specific advice but just wanted to wish you a safe & empowering birth this time. I'm sorry your previous births hadn't been great.


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[Arcadia]

It sounds like anxiety to me. You need proper care for yourself during pg be ause it's a very vulnerable time. Can you hire an independent midwife to take to the hospital (or stay home?)

Your fainting descriptions have been mainly tied to things done to you, such as breaking waters and canula, and the pain from being stitched. So I think you need an advocate who will stop people touching you or intervening without your desire.

I am a fainter and fainted often in pg. they could watch your blood pressure as that is a good indication that you might faint.

Sorry I'm on the phone, and there's so much to unpack here...but I wanted to say all your fears are justified and you need help and support to move through them.

Pregnancy is a time of deep reflection for me, so I understand the way fears present themselves...I don't think it's depression.

[Charlotte91]

Couldn't read and not send a massive

[RhiChiChi]

I think you need to properly debrief about both births and consider doing a calm birth course or hire a doula, independent midwife. I don't think this upcoming birth can be a matter of suck it and see it - yes, things might not happen but given what you have gone through emotionally and physically I'd say that it is more than likely something is going to present itself - whether that be needles, anxiety over fainting etc... I assume you are going back to the same hospital again to birth this baby? Is it possible to speak to the head of the maternity ward and debrief with her/him? I don't know what else to suggest, I hope you will be okay. :hugs:

[Footsteps]

No advice just massive hugs huni xxx

[Netix]

Thanks everyone.

RCC; I am at a different hospital for this one. The hospital I fainted at in December, where I spent a week in the maternity ward, and didn't think much of the care (mw's included unfortunately). We moved up here in October, so have only seen people here for my care. I don't like my ob.

Sorry, I can't do a longer post atm.

[AngelPants]

i couldnt read and not post hun tho i dont have any advice anyone hasnt already said. i just wanted to send you great big hugs and a calm, birth that helps heals the scars you have from previous births.
as a couple of people have already suggested i would consider hiring a IM or doula so there is someone there to speak for you. i would also consider talking to someone about your anxiety from previous births so you can go into this birth in a more calm confident manner. hun, i truely hope you find some peace before this birth. xx

[Traveller]

I'm so sorry, you sound very anxious. I think you need some extra support for your labour, either with a known midwife if your hospital offers this service (and many do in special circumstances even if they don't have a regular caseloading service) or with a doula who is experienced in anxious women. Alternatively if you contact your nearest university that trains midwives, I know my uni will help women who need extra support by helping connect them with an experienced student midwife, usually in their final year of study, for support. Having a known face at the birth may help reduce your anxiety, but will also give you a chance to share your fears prior to birth and debrief your previous experiences.

[Netix]

Veus; Thank you. I will try to use some of your words daily to try and make my mind right.

Arcadia; I guess I could maybe hire an independent midwife... Have to look into that. Living quite regionally poses a bit of a dilemma I think. But, I really should investigate it, shouldn't I? The "staying home" is a little more tempting than going to hospital. But, I know the Man is not a fan of home births, *just in case something goes wrong*. Having said that, he's not a fan at all of intervention (that I can gather), and would be my most fervent supporter in hospital. My fainting is not just from things being done to me. The mere thought of things is enough to drive me to pass out (not just hospital stuff. Learning about the cartilage between bones in school has been enough for me to faint). The pain of being stitched was just plain traumatic, I probably wished I had fainted to be away from the pain. I doubt that I can turn down having stitches, can I? For the first two pg's (during the pg, not sure about labour), my blood pressure was usually good. I hope it's not depression, it's hard to convince doctors that it isn't (if it isn't). They just seem interested in a depression label and pills. I have been scared for a long time of taking anti-depressants, it wasn't until I reached the bottom in October 2010 that I didn't care about pills anymore (but still managed not to get them). Thank you.

Charlotte91; Thank you. I appreciate it.

RhiChiChi; I don't know how to properly "debrief" about the births. Who to? As I said in my short post, I am going to a different hospital for this birth. I would actually probably rather go back to the one where I had the other two, instead of going to this one. This one (hospital and ob) just both feel like such a let down. I mean, they are not even capable of filling in my VMR. At all. The most they can manage is writing my next appointment on the back when I really push them. I have absolutely NOTHING in my VMR, so I can't even present myself anywhere for adequate care. Would it be of benefit to try and speak to the head of the maternity ward? (I'm actually worried it's one of the mw's I encountered in December and didn't like!) Would they be willing to support me in what I want (or rather DON'T want) given my lack of appointments with my ob (and RH negative shots, etc)? Thanks heaps.

Footsteps; Thank you also.

AngelPants; Thank you. I just want peace.

Traveller; I have no idea if this hospital offers that, how do I find out? I don't know what to ask for.

I guess I really need to sit down with the Man and have a talk to him about all this. He knows I'm nervous, as I was with the other two, I'm just not sure if he knows really how I feel about it all (as in, everything above). I'm not worried about talking to him about it, though I do feel a little silly, it's just a matter of finding a good time (read: enough guaranteed undisturbed time) to talk about it. Maybe as a start I could just get him to read this.

[Traveller]

Just ask the midwife at your next appointment if there is any possibility of a caseload midwife for extreme anxiety. They might say no but then again they might agree.

[Jessiebean]

I am pregnant with my third and I have had two normal births, labour not as long as yours, needed some internal stitches but nothing really awful compared to what some women have gone through to have their little ones. Didn't stop me being irrationally afraid of giving birth again though! I had a morbid fear of tearing again (even though I healed ok) but 18 weeks in I am in a good place. I have read so many many empowering books, I am meditating and practising Yoga at home as well as eating and resting well. This has got me too a point where I am now not only unafraid of the birth but actually less anxious than I was prior to falling pregnant. You need to feel more empowered and in control See if you can borrow some books, Sarah Buckley's are amazing, The Good Birth Companion by Nicole Croft and Why every woman deserves a doula by Susan Ross (great book even if you aren't having a Doula). They are so empowering and educational. It sounds like your partner is on board with "defending" you against unwanted medical interference at the birth and that is great, mine is being briefed on it too.
Please take care of yourself mentally, you need to work at chasing your anxiety away as I have done (mostly) with mine as the fear will make your birth experience less positive...

[Netix]

Just ask the midwife at your next appointment if there is any possibility of a caseload midwife for extreme anxiety. They might say no but then again they might agree.

Erm.... I don't *have* a next appointment... And I don't get to see the midwives at ANY appointment, here you have to see the ob for all appointments. They don't do it any other way.

Jessiebean; Congrats to you and thank you for the support. I have been interested in meditating and yoga for a long time, but never "get around" to doing it, or keeping anything going (the same reason I never bother to exercise I have no drive). I bought a pregnancy yoga book when I was pregnant the first time. I have never used it. I have been able to overcome most of my mental issues (severe depression, destructive and suicidal thoughts), but I feel a lot of doubt in getting past this. I know if I can't sort this out it will just end in disaster. At the moment, I just don't have the strength to fix it.

[Traveller]

In that case could you find a doula locally, or a student midwife (almost qualified)? PM me your location if you like and I will see if I can find someone for you to contact.

[HotI]

I doubt that I can turn down having stitches, can I?

You can if you want to. I would definitely ask what the risks are if you choose not to have stitches. Many times in hospital women are given stitches where other women (who homebirth) choose not to have stitches and heal naturally. Sometimes manuka honey is applied, and spending time resting with your legs together can facilitate healing. It may not be possible always but worth looking in to

[Tegam]

I have torn three times. All 2nd degree. First time I was stitched. Second two I wasn't. I healed just as well. I asked my gyno the last time I had a pap smear 'what sort of a war zone was it down there?' he said it was very good! I explained that I hadn't been stitched and he couldn't believe it

[Netix]

Traveller; Thanks, I will. I think I need to get rid of some messages first!

HotI; Thank you.

Tegam; Thank you. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm not a very "good healer" ? Not that I should tell them that!

[FabFiona]

I'm sorry you are so scared. I have no idea what the next step is but we are always here to vent if you need.


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