I'm so sorry, you sound very anxious. I think you need some extra support for your labour, either with a known midwife if your hospital offers this service (and many do in special circumstances even if they don't have a regular caseloading service) or with a doula who is experienced in anxious women. Alternatively if you contact your nearest university that trains midwives, I know my uni will help women who need extra support by helping connect them with an experienced student midwife, usually in their final year of study, for support. Having a known face at the birth may help reduce your anxiety, but will also give you a chance to share your fears prior to birth and debrief your previous experiences.