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Thread: The saddest day (a little long but necessary)

  1. #1
    charaz Guest

    Angry The saddest day (a little long but necessary)

    My childbirth story is unfortunately the saddest I have known of.

    I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when my husband and I separated albeit under the same roof and he experienced a deep depression which resulted in me suffering depression also, although I had hoped that the birth of our first child would somehow bring about a miracle recovery for us all.

    My husband's parents had been pressuring him, or more likely "telling him", to name our child after my FIL. As I do not appreciate being dictated to, I refused. Yet nobody approached me about it, instead my inlaws chose to keep pressuring my husband, not caring about the effect it would have on us. They even think that our problems revolved around my refusal about the name, and were content in continuing their pursuit to "force" us to name our son after "HRH".

    My husband still was not speaking to me by the time I went into labour and even after the birth of our son, he may as well not have been present. There is too much to tell, but the boiling point is that we gave our son a name (not that of my FIL) and my husband announced it to his parents (who were waiting in the visitors room). They did not take it well and even went so far as to approach my mother and ask her to speak to me to convince me otherwise!!! Due to the medications I had taken during the traumatic childbirth (which lasted 16 hours and ended with a forceps delivery) I agreed to speak to my husband and change the name to a variation of my FIL's name!!! Needless to say, I wasn't thinking straight.

    Now everybody is overjoyed with the arrival of my beautiful son, however I am battling major depression and am obsessed with the name thing, as I feel robbed of the happiness that I deserved at the birth of my first child.

    So now I intend to do the only thing that I think can save me, and us, and that is to change the name (our son's birth has not yet been registered, due to my inability to accept what happened I have not been able to bring myself to send off the form). No doubt this will have an impact on my relationship with my inlaws, however that relationship hardly seems worth it.

    Any views on such drastic action?


  2. #2

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    Seriously I don't think its drastic enough.

    Emotional Abuse (bullying) is domestic violence! And I know I certainly wouldn't be putting up with it espeically in such a fragile state (that being post natal).

    I would be changing the name and seeking some help in deeling with your feelings. As you are probably already exhausted emotionally and physically from having a newborn so you may not have the strength to go through all this alone.

    I would be thinking also of my newborn baby and the impacts this type of behaviour could have on him, as I'm sure he won't be immune to their antics.

    Goodluck!

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  3. #3

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    Oh Charaz, you poor thing! you have had so much to deal with at what should be such an important time in you and your DH's life!

    I firmly believe (and other may disagree) that the time surrounding the birth of your children and any decisions regarding your children should be made solely by you and your DH, and with the best interests of your new little familyat the foremost. This includes, who is at the delivery, who is waiting at the delivery suite and what you should name your children.

    I had a traumatic birth (72 hours and forceps) and I do not remember the first 2 hours of my sons life either, yet I had a supportive husband and did not have to deal with all of the other pressures that you have.

    Finally, I think you need to do what you feel that you need to do, and if that includes changing your baby's name, then that is what you need to do. You have to deal with the decision about your baby's name for the rest of your life. I hope that both you and your husband are able to seek professional help in relation to the depression seperately, and then when you are both strong enough, hopefully together.

    I think that if your IL's only concern at the moment is to pressure both of you into their wants, and not be concerned about the welfare of their son's new family, then maybe it is best that you have space from them, and if changing the baby's name to your original choice is going to create that space then I say go for it!

    You have definately come to a wonderful place for support, and remember everyone is here to listen and support you! Goodluck with whatever you decide to do.

    I will be thinking of you and sending you huge {{hugs}}

  4. #4
    Sal Guest

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    Charaz, as you haven't registered the birth, you haven't officially named your son. You need to have a name that you are happy with, you are his mother after all. Can you and your husband agree on a name (perhaps the one you first had in the birthing suite) ?

    The hide of your ILs. If they want a baby named after your FIL then they better have a baby themselves. Sorry, but I really feel for you and don't think you should be bullied out of a name you have chosen.

  5. #5

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    I agree with everyone. The only other suggestion I can make is giving your Son your FIL's name as a middle name.
    I think you need to change his name back to what you had both decided at the time of the birth. To be pressured into making the IL's happy is just stupid. After all, he is YOUR son not theirs.

  6. #6

    Default

    I'm so mad at your in-laws! This is your baby, your birth, your special time... how dare they!

    I'd say pick a different name for your son and never see your in-laws again. If my parents tried that then I'd certainly not want to see them again. I'm so upset for you, Charaz, I'm practically growling at the screen. Your ruddy in-laws!

  7. #7
    charaz Guest

    Default The saddest day

    Thank you all for your support, your replies brought me to tears as it is the first time my feelings have been validated by persons who would truly understand my experience. There is so much more to this story that makes it even worse but to know that my decision is supported based on the summarised version gives me some comfort. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been very supportive and has only grudgingly agreed to change the name after I have stated that I simply am not coping and cannot sign the form - somehow I think this will come back to haunt me however I feel it is what I have to do. After all, nobody considered my feelings. Thanks again!

  8. #8

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    Charaz, congratulations on the birth of your little man! I bet he's just gorgeous
    Name your baby whatever you want to. If the forms haven't been sent in yet then there is no problem. If they are already filled out, just get that liquid paper onto it and get it official!
    If you feel ok with it you could use his name as a middle name, but after that intimidation I'd be inclined to not bother.

    Good luck

  9. #9

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    Oh Charaz sweetie, I am so sad for you that what should be such a happy time for you has been ruined by your pushy, emotionally abusive IL's.
    He is YOUR son, and only you and DP alone have the right to name him, it is just SO WRONG for your IL's to have bullied you and treated you that way.
    I definately think the best thing to do is to give your son a name that you love... perhaps negotiating on the middle name might be something to think about, but even then, it is totally your decision. I am so sorry that you haven't been supported in the way that you are entitled to.
    Please take care sweetie, we are always here if you need to talk... I hope things look up for you and DH soon. :hugs:

  10. #10

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    Charaz,
    Please come back & tell us how wonderful your son is doing & how much joy he is bringing into your life!

    I agree 100% with the others. Your IL's (I'd call them outlaws though) have no say in naming a child that is not theirs! Your son is yours, not theirs, they named their own child/ren, they dont get to name yours as well..
    I am a cow at times so to add fuel to the fire I think I'd be inclined to name your son your first chjosen name & then give him your Father or brother, or garnfather or someone from myour families middle name!!!
    I'd hold my head up high when informing them of their Grandson's full name & I would keep my fingers crossed that it crushes them so they'd never have anything to do wiuth you again...
    I believe yourself & your son are way better of with such interfering, abusive, pig headed, obnoxious bossy old farts in your life!!!

    I am like Ryn, absolutely fuming at the screen..

    Please just enjoy your son now & marvel in the way he grows because they grow so quickly & you can never get the time back!!!

    Please also seek some help with your depression, as your son does need you & hopefully it will bring closer the bond between you, Dh & baby boy!!!

    I wish you an eternity of happiness, be strong & believe in yourself & your own choices, your a Mum now & as the saying goes ... "Mum always knows best!" so trust that as a Mum to your son you are doing what is best for him, by giving him a name YOU choose!!!

  11. #11

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    Oh Charaz......my heart goes out to you and your husband.
    Praying it gets sorted in the best possible way.
    Blessings on you, your husband and your little baby!

  12. #12

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    Oh Charaz, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. I really hope you are able to change the name and start to feel better soon - you have to put yours and your little one's needs first, not the ILs - they sound like nutters. Take care sweetie xoxox

  13. #13

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    OMG that's just horrible. I agree with the others - change his name to what you want it to be, that is your right as his mother, to decide on his name.

  14. #14
    charaz Guest

    Default The saddest day

    Hi everyone and thanks again for your support. I spoke to DH again this morning as he keeps avoiding the issue and won't give me agreement on another name and he admitted that he didn't want to change the name but will allow me to 'do what I have to do' although he won't be happy (ie I will be the one making the decision and I guess will have to bare full responsibility for any ramifications). DH says it's because we have already told everybody his name and now we're changing it, and I just know that he is afraid to stand up to his parents about it, after all had he done that in the first place we wouldn't be in this situation. So I'm alone in this however everyone has been assuming that DH was also victimised by the inlaws - he wasn't he told them that it was me who didn't want to name after FIL. So now I'm faced with the difficulty of putting myself first (ie because DH won't be happy about it), or giving it more time in the hope that time will heal the wounds although somehow I don't think it's possible as I feel that I've been robbed of too much and the resentment escalates with each day especially knowing that it has contributed so much to my current condition. It is so difficult not knowing which way to go. I would be happy never to see the inlaws again however my problem is that I don't have DH's support either and that really makes me wonder what's in store.

    Our son is an angel and now, at 2 months old, coo's and sleeps through the night which is a real bonus.

  15. #15

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    Oh Charaz You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. I think your son is just lucky that you are being strong for him. I'm so sorry you are feeling alone in this. Just remember we are all here.

  16. #16

    Default

    OMG...... these people are horrible........

    WARNING....I'M ABOUT TO GO OFF ON ONE

    who the heel do they think they are????? Not much wonder you are depressed having to put up with people like this in your life. Try to take srtrength from your wonderful baby boy, just think, it's up to you to protect him from these selfish bullys, let that give you the strenth to stand uo to them. Do you have anyone who could stand up to them for you, your husband obciously doesn't have the guts to do it, sorry i know thats cruel but sometimes you have to be a man and stand up to people especially when you are a father, what about your parents, a sibling or a friend, hell give me their number and i'll do it, someone needs to open their eyes as to what they are doing and the fact that they have no right whatsoever to have any say in anything to do with their Grandson. Perhaps of someone else pointed out the error of their ways they may listen to them.

    I would also take steps to protect yourself, people like this are capable of anything and if they realise how fragile you are may try to use it to their advantage, tell everything to your GP or someone in authority who you trust, explain how it is making you feel and don;t be afraid to let it all out, get as much help and support as you can and keep a diary of everything, everything that happens, everything you feel, all the wonderful things about your son and all the crap which is stealing the enjoyment from what should be a wonderful time.

    I hope things can work out for you and your husband, but i have a feeling that won't happen until he can cut the apron strings and stand up to his parents, if he wont then you are going to have to be strong enought to be Mum and Dad to your little boy whilst trying to keep him as far away from their evil as possible.

    Why do there have to be so many nasty and selfish people in the world

    Taz

  17. #17

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    Oh Charaz that is just terrible babe.
    I would change his name to one that you want, He is your son not theirs and if they don't like it tell your FIL to get MIL up the duff so she can name HER baby after him. They will get over it and if they don't then the grief is theirs not yours. I have told a similar story in here a while ago, where I was nursing a lady and her Overbearing MIL was exactly the same, I really felt for her.
    Now you said bub is two months old, is he a June baby? If he is I would like to invite you to join the June Babies thread. If not don't dispair there is also a May one you can join in on. Welcome to Belly Belly, WE would live to hear some details about your pregnancy and Birthas well as all the stats on bub. Feel free to vent and share your feeling, everyione here is great and very supportive. Chin up, the sun always rises on a new day.
    Bye Dee

  18. #18

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    Angry

    Oh Jeez, that's just NOT ON.

    Here comes a rant

    Naming your child the name you have given him and registering him as such is the only thing to do. It is not drastic action. It is your son's right to his true name - the one given by his parents.
    IMHO if you don't, you may as well tatto your MIL's name across your own forehead, what could be next? Take a stand, claim your place as his mother and your healing process can begin. One of the best things about giving birth is how protective we get of our young - tap into that strength, and wear it with pride mumma.

    rant over..

    Can you take some strength from your own parents on this? I'm sure they were as shocked as you at this behaviour.
    Keep us "posted", we are all here for you.

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