My Caesarean Scar says...

[forshelby]

Thinking of it looking like a smile.....

I got out of the shower one day and DP looks at me and stares. So I asked 'what'. And he goes ... ." You look like a face!" "What?"

And he says .... "Your boobs are the eyes, your belly button is the nose and your c/s scar is the mouth!!"

And then adds while laughing uncontrollably "Your pubes are the goatie!!!"

[fionas]

My pelvis still says, four years on, you should never have had a VB with DD1.

My (elective) caesarean scar from DD2 says, "thank goodness you were sensible second time around and actually have a life now and you can walk without being in constant pain." I actually look on my scar as a badge of honour - that I was brave enough to go through a second pregnancy at all. How I gave birth doesn't matter to me. I completely understand and respect that others look on their scars differently and have different stories, but for me, it makes me extremely proud.

[STARRYSKY]

Do you know one thing that really peeves me?? When words and statements like "failure", "unnatural" and "didn't give birth" find their way into discussions about caesarean births. I mean, in my opinion, having had a CS either by choice or unwanted intervention cannot in any way be related to those statements. We did give birth. Many of us are lucky enough to have healthy children as a result. It may have been exactly what we chose, or it may have been our worst nightmare but it doesn't take away the fact that WE BIRTHED. We conceived and grew a child. We endured what we had to to bring that child earthside. We should be proud. To be anything else is, in my opinion, doing all of us a disservice.

N2L ~ no disrespect meant but this kind of a blanket statement or generalisation can come across as quite insensitive. While I do absolutely understand where you are coming from, I feel that for me using those terms (and I have done one many occasions) within my "birthing" (see, even to me now, almost 3 years later, I can not think of my self as having "given birth ) experience, has in a way helped me confront those issues and though I am still in the process of coming to terms with it, its a happening thing.

MY scar says to me " you failed, you gave up, you gave away YOUR power" but it also serves as a reminder to me that next time, it will be different, now I know better.
My un necessarean caused me huge grief and dis appointment, all because I couldnt get the baby out in 10 hrs.

I like what Rouge said about the health care system being the one that failed, thats true for me.

I hope that one day I will feel happy about it, because for me it didnt save my babys life, there was NO reason for it.
I love that some of you can look at it and see a smile

[nothing2lose]

Starry, I am in no way offended or feel disrespected by your post - or by any others for that matter!
I reserve the right, though, not to change my words. I stand by them. That said, it is certainly not my intention to belittle people's experiences.
I don't like women being made to feel as they have failed or should somehow feel guilty for having a caesarean (whatever the reason). Not delivering your child vaginally is not a moral failing. It is not something to be ashamed of, nor does it make us less worthy as mothers. Sure, if you were aiming for a vaginal birth, feel disappointed, but a "failure"....????? I don't think so.

eta: it may help to look at it this way, would you call someone else a "failure" because they had a caesarean?

[Lenny]

N2l - thanks. It's great that you are so supportive and passionate about it. It's nice to know that not everyone thinks i am a failure. I still use that word though, sadly, somedays. I'm trying not to though. And it's silly really - i would NEVER ever call someone who had a c/s a failure, yet i'm prepared to call it to myself.
I wish my scar was right on that obstetrician's forehead. Then maybe he could look at it everyday and feel some of sadness and as let-down as i do.

[belfie]

My pelvis still says, four years on, you should never have had a VB with DD1.

My (elective) caesarean scar from DD2 says, "thank goodness you were sensible second time around and actually have a life now and you can walk without being in constant pain." I actually look on my scar as a badge of honour - that I was brave enough to go through a second pregnancy at all. How I gave birth doesn't matter to me. I completely understand and respect that others look on their scars differently and have different stories, but for me, it makes me extremely proud.

yeah that! Ditto to what fionas said.

My elective cs scar says I made a wonderful, brave decision to preserve what I have, for quality of life with my children.
I went in on crutches. 12 hours later I was on my own two feet.

My body bears scars from a VB and a CS, and I am truly blessed to have been through two very beautiful and very VERY different births. My body will never be the same and maybe that's as it should be? My life will never be the same either, and for that I am truly grateful.

[Rouge]

eta: it may help to look at it this way, would you call someone else a "failure" because they had a caesarean?

Absolutely not, but I know a lot of women that were failed by the system and as a result ended up with a caesarean that really could have been prevented.

I think that's how some people feel, and that's valid too. And often when you feel as though you've failed it is because you were failed, and like all mothers we take that responsibility on as our own... I could have done this and that and this. I had to give that away as I knew it was hurting me more than helping. But I still feel as though I was failed by the system. But I have learnt to look at the positives even through this. If my birth is a warning to others, then so be it. If I can help other women be aware of their own choices, and the empowerment that comes with that (And I see elective c/s as a perfectly good choice... if it's the mother's choice), then that makes me feel that the scar has it's blessings.

[nothing2lose]

I actually agree with you Rouge - and I think you hit the nail on the head about some women feeling like they failed because the system failed them. I don't think it is right that we take on this guilt or feeling of shame or failure. In doing so we are letting "the system" off the hook. Being failed isn't you failing. In this instance, saying you failed means you are somehow culpable. Very few women are, in my opinion. But a hell of a lot of women are happy to put their hands up and say, "I had a caesarean, so therefore I failed".

[Gigi]

i cannot bear to look at my C-section scar, makes me feel too upset.
i cannot bear to touch it either.

i know it's there, i try not to think about it, nearly five years after it happened, the scar represents
= being deserted by my support system (at 20 hours into my labour, my midwife left me, so when i was in medical trouble at 29 hours, i did not have the support of my midwife to ring the ambulance, advocate for me with the medical staff at the hospital, so i got the complete "cascade of intervention" as i was too tired, too ignorant about medical procedures, to know what to say yes or no, to. i needed my midwife to advocate for me, but i was alone.

= let down by hospital system, they lost my notes two days before i went into labour, so there was no notes for the emergency team, about my previous medical issues, that were very relevant to me having a c-section, especially the anaesethic. I had a very traumatic experience with the anestethic part, that would have been avoided if my midwife was there, and my medical notes were available to the obst.

= having a rare labour complication happen (Bandl's Ring), i coudln't believe that this happened, on top of all the other things that went wrong. it just felt like a nightmare that wouldn't end.

= going home in a bad physical state, but still having to care fulltime for my newborn. Not being able to bathe her myself for the first year (until i got well again). No grandmas to visit, to admire my baby, watch her while i shower.

i dread my DD asking about how she arrived. I can't say "her b.....", only "her arrival".

all the planning for the waterbirth at home, all the people who thought i was nuts to try for a homebirth, i REALLY wanted to birth at home, in water, and then i end up Back of an ambulance with nothing on but my dressing gown. with two epidurals and all the interventions possible, with a bunch of people i had never seen before (angry specialists who yell at the nurses, where are her notes? over and over), bright lights. And a baby who comes out not breathing, so no skin to skin, delayed cord clamping or any of the other things on my birthing plan, got to come true.

all the "doesn't matter, you have a beautiful baby now" comments afterwards. everyone, not just the professionals. You've just been thru a huge trauma and can hardly walk (that went on for months) let alone hold your baby? doesn't matter, you have a beautiful baby.

and the comments i'm not meant to hear "well what does she expect, having a baby at her age".

i realise now, without the emerg C, both her and i would have died. (in the old days, women who experienced Bandl's Ring, would labour for five days, mother and child would both die).

we survive all that, and still, the father doesn't think it's worth bringing me flowers to celebrate.

[Beach Mama]

Gigi.

[RainbowBrite]

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or your feelings to anyone. How you feel is how you feel. Part of healing is being able to own those feelings and work through them

Not justifying just explaining the difference.
I own my feeling of failing my babies and I am sure the feeling will fade as time goes on but while they both still have problems from their very early births the feeling of guilt and failure is ever present.

I am thankful every day that they are here and for the most part healthy and am glad I could carry them far enough to give them a fighting chance but it does not mean that my feelings of failure/guilt are not valid and to have these feeling in no way makes you less grateful for what you have.

[Glass half full]

Wow, I just read through this thread again and some responses here broke my heart.

I realise this is a year and a half old, but thought it couldn't hurt to bump it as this will always be relevant.

I can't believe my scar is now 4 years old! When I make myself think back to when my daughter was born and what I went through, it feels like just last week. But on the other hand, I cannot remember not having my scar now.

As positive as I was in my first post, I still sometimes wonder if things could have been different. Should I have had 1 or 2 extra scans to confirm the position of the placenta? But then if I had, what I have been prepared for a natural childbirth? In the end I accept what I have been through, and am proud to have contributed to the VBAC success rate of my local hospital

[Blondie]

I had a VB first time around and yes I gave birth the way nature intended but I would never consider myself above those who had a C-Section both elective or otherwise. Birthing is individual. It's your baby and your birth.

I really do feel for those people who think that they have failed...and I don't understand why they would think that about themselves but we each have our own demons and I respect that people all have different expectations of themselves. I did have some issues to deal with after my Son's birth but me thinking I failed wasn't one of them.

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

[Lenny]

I haven't had my section yet - but for me, I will look at my scar and think, this was my bith, my way and I made the right decision based on what I wanted.

I would encourage people to not look at someone elses birth and think that theirs should have been the same or better. Yes we have a right to have our own birth, the way we would like it but life doesn't always go to plan...and we don't always get what we want, the important thing is to remember we carried and birthed a baby. They are here and safe in our arms. We are very lucky to have been given a chance to experience motherhood and the many things that come with it some within and some not within our control

Blonde -please don't try to simplify my c section experience by saying that life doesn't always go to plan. Please don't suggest that I am looking at other people's births and thinking mine should have been the same or better. I share in the joy when mums have awesome birth experiences and I sympathise in their feelings, whatever they may be when the birth does not go how they had hoped and dreamed. Please don't suggest to me that because my child is safe in my arms then it doesn't a matter because I still carried and birthed a baby.

When you say things like some things in life aren't in our control it makes me feel very sad. The birth of my baby should be something that I have control over. It's my baby and my body. Why should someone else assume control over that. It's an absolutely nightmarish situation to watch as all your control is stripped from you and you are bullied and crying all on your own. We don't always get what we want, that is true -but we should never ever get put in that situation.

I get that that is how you feel about it, but don't please suggest to me that that is how I should feel about it. It makes me feel even worse about myself when other people's comments imply that it's not really that bad.

I am grateful everyday for my chance at motherhood. I should be allowed my feelings regarding my c section without someone suggesting that I might be ungrateful that I am a mum and have the chance to a wonderful relationship with my child. I know very well how lucky I am to be a mum.

[LizLemon]

Lenny.

Blondie, I'm really glad that you are looking positively at your decision. Everyone is different and what is pain to someone won't be to someone else. Every feeling is valid.

I had two elective c-sections on the advice of my OB and while I wish I'd had vbs from the pov that they are less risky going forward, it is honestly something I don't even think about or judge myself on. But maybe that's because I don't feel that I was pressured or forced into the decision, and while my c-sections may in retrospect have been unnecessary (who knows how it would have panned out), I still made the call at the advice of someone I trusted and respected, and who ultimately delivered me two healthy bubs.

So my scar to me is just a reminder of those lovely days when my kids were born. I'm very fortunate for this and I feel for anyone whose scar is a negative reminder.

[Blondie]

Lenny: Woah! I'm sorry you took such offense. To be honest I find your response completely and utterly insulting. You have totally twisted my message around to make it seem like a personal attack on all people (and you have seemingly made this about yourself in particular like I am mentioned YOU? ) who haven't coped with their birth, which it is not. I am just providing a different perspective on what we as mothers must sacrifice sometimes to have our babies mentally and physically. Birthing is both a mental and physical act and I would NEVER suggest that people couldn't have feelings one way or another and that their feelings weren't important. I struggle with how you managed to glean from my message above that I was implying that mothers who have feelings seem ungrateful of the chance to experience motherhood I don't know which is worse, you thinking I am attacking people or the fact that you are clearly judging me without knowing me or my situation.

[Rouge]

I know you probably meant well Blondie but this is a very emotive topic. I don't think that Lenny was attacking you but moreso talking about how your post made her feel. I think that's ok yanno? Especially given this is a section for those who have experienced c/s. Again I have to say I agree with Lenny in that what YOU feel isn't what someone else feels, or what I feel. And telling us that Life doesn't sometimes go how its planned often feels like "Just get over it you've got a healthy baby." It hurts. And it invalidates the disempowerment felt.

[LysnDan]

I know you probably meant well Blondie but this is a very emotive topic. I don't think that Lenny was attacking you but moreso talking about how your post made her feel. I think that's ok yanno? Especially given this is a section for those who have experienced c/s. Again I have to say I agree with Lenny in that what YOU feel isn't what someone else feels, or what I feel. And telling us that Life doesn't sometimes go how its planned often feels like "Just get over it you've got a healthy baby." It hurts. And it invalidates the disempowerment felt.

Exactly that!