Blatant refusal

[diva det]

i have had 2 chronic school refuses here!! It is so hard and so emotional- both my twins are so it was double trouble ganging up on me!!
We are still late nearly everyday as they are both still so hard to get to school
What worked for me when they were your child'd age :
- Get the school on board- know what is going on- our principal was awesome and she would sometimes come out to the car and help me get them into school some days.
- I got my DD teacher to assign her a job that had to be done each day before school, so she had to get there before the bell to do that job so that got her there on time
- arrange a play date before school with some of the other kids mums so that they wanted to get there early to have a play
-bribery/rewards when they go so many mornings getting to school without fuss
-counselling to find out the real reason why they are school refusing- both my twins had different reasons- both were valid. It got so bad the reason that my DD was refusing to go to school, that we actually in the end swapped schools. She still even to this day gets some anxiety , but it is alot better and episodes are more in waves now rather than all the time
-step at a time. The main goal is to get to school but break it down into smaller goals. In other words "I'm not asking you to go to school, I am asking you to get dressed/eat breakfast/put your shoes on," etc . One baby step at a time. Something the whole routine is so overwhelming.
-a treat- and it doesnt have to be food- in their bag that they can look at or have when they get to school! Stickers or a new eraser/pencils worked well for us.
-lots of rescue remedy/crystals to hold/little toy/security object have been used for us

The main thing is not to do it alone- you cant- you need back up and have a plan to follow when they do refuse. Also take the emotion out of the whole situation. That way the emotional blackmail doesnt work. Also blaming someone else for the reason they have to go to school- ie authorities fault you have to lol .
Just try and keep one step ahead of their objections and have a plan if they try and deviate from it
HTH and good luck and hang in there !!!

[Katters]

Just a note re: pushing blame for kids having to go to school ie 'authorities make me send you'- however bad it gets, try not to go down this path. It's just not a nice ethic viewpoint and encourages all kinds of wrong messages. We send our children to school because that's how education happens in our society and without it they would have little to no prospects in their future.

[diva det]

katters - the original title of the thread was to ask for help dealing with a school refuser. I was only replying with what worked for me. By my children knowing that it is the law that they have to be educated until the age of 15, and that it is not me being a mean mum. Yes your statement about why we send our children to school is correct- but a 6 year old just thinks that its mums fault that they have to go to school, not that it is a rule of the society that we live in.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Thanks ladies.
On this weeks star chart we have put "daily routine" on. Had a talk with both boys about - things everybody in the whole world have to do. Ie get up, get dressed, go to school/ work, have a shower, go to sleep etc.
Hope it helps.

His schooling is really going downhill in general. As in apparently he's the worst in his class. He's not dumb just lazy and doesn't pay attention. -its not going to help anyway.

I had thought about getting tested for adhd as I have it. But he seemed to get better. But now he is worse again.
My hubby thinks Im clutching at straws.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Just pick him up, put him in the car (even in his pyjamas), take him to school and leave him. OK, if he's in his jamas then send his uniform in with him. No breakfast? Apple in his bag.

Do not blame authorities. He has the opportunity of an education, not an enforced prison sentence. It's attitudes like "tough, you have to, it's not my fault" rather than "school now makes your adult life better as you learn stuff" that make the teachers' lives VERY difficult. I teach children whose parents have that attitude and it really doesn't work for the child - it may get them to school, but it doesn't value learning so the children just play up all day.

[Katters]

Butterfly Dawn- your hubby thinks you're clutching at straws??? Trying to improve your entire family's home life? Going as far as gathering and implementing ideas from others under your own initiative?

I think you're doing an admirable job and clearly really care about your family and making things happier and better for everyone.

I think you sat down and spoke firmly to the wrong member of your household.

[Butterfly Dawn]

My hubby refused to deal with ds1 this morning.
Its 10.35 and he's still at home.
I can't pick him up and take him. We live on 4th floor, stair access. He weights about 25kg and is about 120- 130cm.
I have a 20mth old who I don't want to scare.

I don't know what to do.
He has exams next Monday and Tuesday so he really needs to go. And its ridiculous, school isn't negotiable

[bubno.3]

My hubby refused to deal with ds1 this morning.
Its 10.35 and he's still at home.
I can't pick him up and take him. We live on 4th floor, stair access. He weights about 25kg and is about 120- 130cm.
I have a 20mth old who I don't want to scare.

I don't know what to do.
He has exams next Monday and Tuesday so he really needs to go. And its ridiculous, school isn't negotiable

Your husband just refused did he? ...to much in the too hard basket is it ? that makes me so mad for you .

and when you child 'gets his way' and stays home then what does he do? watch tv or mope around or annoy the bejesus out of you ?

(now i do understand the the fact you cant man handle him out side but your husband would be able to hey!)

[Butterfly Dawn]

So, he "won" and stayed home. He's been good but I had to go out do stuff. He tagged a long nicely. We have had a nice day. But hubby will not be happy tonight.

He did offer to come get ds1 but we were out and he wouldn't come to where we were or a half way drop off point to get him.

sigh. Im over it. I can see why he doesn't like his school. and he is jealous his brother gets to stay home sometimes. so good talks with him. Him talking me listening.

We'll see tomorrow what happens.

[bubno.3]

ok im going to put it out there is your son just being plain defiant ? in that case he needs to be told that school is another rule and everyone needs to go end of story !

[Butterfly Dawn]

He's been told that.
That life is going to school Monday- Friday. Kids go to school. Adults go to work.

Its all been explained. Gone over. I'm sure I talk these things in my sleep.

We have talked to both boys, kids job is to go to school, learn as much as they can. Learning is exciting etc etc

There isn't any real reason for him to not like school. He's not picked on. He has friends. He's only grade 1!

12 school days left til he has holidays for 3 weeks.

I actually am starting to think its just that he wants mummy to take him to school. And 4 days a week I can. Unless we have a bad night with somebody (like last night) and I wanted sleeeeep at 7am not a argumental 6year old

[Onelittleprincess]

Do you think if the teacher sat down with him for a few minutes at the end of the day and they spoke about something exciting from that day and the exciting activity she/he has planned for tomorrow would that help.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Unfortunately its not like that at his school. PE is the best/ most fun class. I have asked hubby to get the teacher to give him a job to do every morning, he loves this kind of thing.
Not having language enough to talk to the teacher is a problem for me. But 11 days left til holidays and we move in April so hope things get better then

[Arcadia]

I would be inclined to back off and give him some time at home. I know it seems like giving in, but honestly how much is he going to learn while hating school so much. Is 12 days if schooling worth the emotional drama this is causing in your whole family. In my experience negativity breeds negativity. You need to break the cycle. I would try and get some work from the teachers to do at home and keep him home until after the holidays and try again after a break. Would the school accept this as an option do you think (not sure how many sick days etc are allowed).

Defiance is not necessarily bad behavior or naughtiness it can be a cry for help and attention. Only you know your child, but my motto is when they are having trouble (often seen through meltdowns) hold them closer, cancel the stress points and be more available. We are trying to create stable happy adults. Education is not effective on a stressed brain. Also your son is more likely to listen to you if you listen to him.

Good luck!

[Butterfly Dawn]

I can totally understand what ur saying. And I agree.
In April we are moving countries so it seems even more stupid to be having these fights.
Hubby is stubbornly digging his toes in. Child must go to school.

10 days left till holidays

[Santosha]

Sorry, I have just skimmed the thread and may have missed the rationale.... but this is what I've gathered:

DH says child must go to school
DH says he will not participate in achieving this.
You can not physically make him go

... so what exactly does your DH expect you to do?


Another question... how's he going academically? Socially? Are there any signs at all that he has trouble focussing, hearing, understanding what's required of him, tolerating noise levels, joining in play - just to name a few of a million little things that could potentially undermine a child's confidence. Sometimes something as simple as needing glasses and therefore not being able to decipher what's written on the board can really make a child feel like they're not managing.

And... does he try and control anything else or is this behaviour specifically around attending school?

[wysiwyg]

It must be incredibly difficult you not being able to communicate with his teachers especially as it sounds like you and your DH don't see eye to eye exactly about the issue. I suspect the school system will be very different where you are (China?) to where you are going (NZ) ? I think the most important thing given you are moving is not to traumatise your son about school full stop at the end of the day the most important thing is he settles into school in NZ right? Like previous poster I would just back off about school with your son, maybe he will be so bored at home and for holidays that after will want to go back?

[Peekaboo]

Hi Butterfly, I too have a child who is more prone to meltdowns than most others, so I feel your pain. He is also quite strong for his age, so man-handling isn't always an option here either. It's incredibly frustrating when you don't see eye to eye with your partner on parenting issues that should be jointly handled - I really think getting you and DH on the same page should be a priority (easier said than done, I'm sure!).

Is there any particular reason your son does not want to go to school? Is it pure laziness or something else going on? Is there a language barrier at school for your son? Does he also find it hard to communicate with his teacher and peers? Is the work too hard/too easy for him?? Does he have friends at school? Are you able to socialise with any of his friends outside of school to help build their relationship, thus giving him a reason to want to go to school? Is home schooling an option??

Do you think these issues will continue when you are in New Zealand? If so, I think you should continue to try addressing them now. If you think the move will solve it all then I would tend to go with whatever works to get you through the next few months. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Good luck x