TTC not feeling right

[Matryoshka]

I'm having an issue and i feel really alone with it, i don't know if anyone is going to understand but i need some support.

Basically my son was conceived simply via going off the bcp and we were newlyweds so dtd fairly often. This time i have been watching my cm and following the system of dtd every second day - i read this was ideal. I'm not temping because DS has been teething and i've been up many times a night so not been able to really do it.

The thing that is bothering me is i'm obsessing about my cm and following the routine of dtd. One day last week we dtd 2 days in a row and i thought bugger this is wrong! Yesterday we were supposed to dtd as i now have watery cm, we didn't because dh worked late and i was tired. I know we're humans not robots and thats why the whole concept of actually TTC is not feeling right. I feel like dtd is becoming forced and fake and i don't want a baby to be created in that way. I feel like we should just let it happen, but then i am running out of time as we want them to be close in age and due to my unpredictable cycle i don't know when it might happen if i just leave it up to nature.

So i am torn in what to do, and not enjoying this. I always felt a bit guilty for conceiving ds so quickly and thought that ttc would be exciting and fun but it isn't. Are my feelings common at all??

[Lucy]

I think your feelings are common, in all sorts of circumstances.

My TTC journey prior to Olivia was long and hard and DTD became a chore, and it put a real strain on me and DH. I got miserable about it all after 3 years, and sought some help.

No suggestions I'm afraid. But I don't think you are alone in your feelings......

[Lenny]

I know i felt just like you did for a long time - and i'm pretty sure we aren't the only ones.
It did put some real awkwardness between myself and DH, and then some anger and frustration too.
I have no advice for you - sorry, but maybe a bit of a break from the constant monitoring etc might help you both relax and see DTD as less of a chore.
Then when you feel like it, maybe get back into charting/monitoring.
Good luck.

[briggsy's girl]

i don't have a miracle answer hun - but i did want to pop in here and say that i completely understand that feeling - it's hard to be dtd on a schedule - when all you want is to feel "connected"d in the moment. i think a lot of us have been through this, and i look forward to reading the suggestions others have for you

personally, we've made a concerted effort to not dtd on a schedule - yeah, there is minimal chance of a natural conception here, but we're still giving it a go - and we look to being spontaneous (easier for us, as no child to work around) and focussing on romancing each other - and if we miss a day or dtd two days in a row - well, so be it - it's suggested every second day - there is no rule saying it is the only way (and having done IUI - we've been told to dtd again within 24 hours as a "back up" so the every second day rule is out the window there!) - we're human, not robots - and i've found focusing on the emotional side of our relatioship has made the sexual side more enjoyable again

[Matryoshka]

Thanks ladies...

Yeah i feel a strain is beginning on my end of the relationship. I feel like i am carrying the burden of worrying about it while my dh just has to provide the sperm - in a way. Yesterday i told him my cm was watery and it was a crucial time to dtd, he had worked a 14 hour day and was exhausted. I got upset that he wasn't putting ttc ahead of his needs - i equated this to it mustn't be important enough to him which i know is stupid, and he got upset with me because i ignored how tired and unwell he felt = crappy night for both of us.

Now i'm CD 13 and definately have fertile cm i'm stressing because i think we'll miss out this once as i can't see either of us being in the mood today or tomorrow and i just feel crappy about that.

[briggsy's girl]

hun, why not try to CREATE the mood where dtd isn't seen as a chore for either of you - i don't know what your partner does for work but things like sending teasing messages, massage, romantic dinner - and make dtd about the two of you again, not about ttc - and if he's really not in the mood - then don't force the issue - yeah, it sucks that you may miss your fertile time, but your relationship is more important - and you never know - with a little effort to make dtd about each other and your desire to be intimate with each other, it might just happen tonight anyway...

[Tracey]

As Brigsy said, I know TTC took alot of the fun, spark & genuine intimacy outta our relationship..
So I took it upon myself to seduce DH when the timing was right without actually confiding in him & hence making it seem like a chore...
I still wore the stress & worry of temping etc, but our relationship got back on track, as DH enjoyed my seducing him... it's all ended now though, hee hee... As our family is complete!!!

[blackduckies]

Hi, I feel a bit like yourself. TTC has become a chore and I hate the fact, but sometimes when you have trouble concieving there is little choice sometimes methodical is the only way of making sure that the right time is covered. When you already have children it just adds to the strain, because you have additional constraints eg: teething, nightmares, children in your bed and just generally damn tired. I just hope that when our TTC journey ends either in another pregnancy or just time limit that our life goes back to a more relaxed Bding. I have also been told and passed the message to DH that we need semen for insem then told to BD that night and the next morning. Not a whole lot of fun, one day I hope we will look back at it and laugh. But it can feel a lot like a Mexican stand off!!! I have told DH I don't give a damn if you don't want to, JUST DO IT, he is a good boy, protests and then does the deed.
Maybe concentrate closer to O time, you will have an idea when that is, start a few days out, instead of every second day from the start. No simple answer I wish yourself, myself and the other ladies the best of luck with the journey and hope it is well worth the difficult times.

[MantaRay]

Oh Ourlux, yes IKWYM. Obviously this is a very common feeling. With both boys I used only dates to go by, which wasn't very scientific, especially as I now suspect my ovulating was very early in the cycle before falling pg the first time, and the second time my cycles were really unpredictable as i was still bfing and had only just got AF back. But funnily enough, I now know based on my EDD, that both times we conceived it was at supposedly the wrong time of the month - so in reality we were spontaneously DTD rather than conciously BD. Some people say that charting etc can actually make it harder to conceive as you are too focused on TTC and not relaxed enough for it to "just happen". But of course for others they get results much more quickly by taking the scientific approach. I think you need to find what feels right for you. You most likely CAN fall pg (and maybe really quickly) if you just "go with the flow", so it that feels right for you, maybe give it a try. If however conceiving quickly is so important you don't want to miss an opportunity, then stick with what you are doing. I think you need to follow your heart. The answer is in there - you just have to listen to it! Best of luck hun, I hope to see a pg announcement really soon.

[smamfa]

Ourlux, ttc fun? Ha - no way! Well, maybe it is for some people, if everything happens quickly and easily... but i am finding it one of the hardest emotionally and most stressful things i have ever done!

The thing that worked for me and dh was working out a plan, so that we both knew 'the schedule' so to speak (my cycles are predictable, so it is easier for me in that sense.) It might seem unromantic... but i found it harder to have to be in charge... to have to initiate when it was such a fraught 'have to' kind of issue instead of a romantic overture... iykwim? then i would get upset if dh didn't respond the way i wanted him to. This way, we know when we are meant to bd, and just get up earlier in the morning, it becomes a joke to us if we don't feel in the mood, and we get on with it. It doesn't stop me stressing altogether, but it helps a lot, and it means we are both on the same page.

Also, don't worry about dtd consecutive days in a row - there is an article floating around that reccommends this and says it decreases genetically abnormal sperm! so, go for it

[visitor2]

I know you are charting but maybe give it a break for a while and stop watching your CM as sometimes doing all that and knowing you have to DTD does take the fun out of things. I've only ever used OPK's and that was with my last pregnancy only.
I used to start DTD when i got to a certain CD and then stop once i was a week close to AF. We would do it every other day if we could but it didn't always work that way.
Also we would sometimes have a small glass of wine to help relax us as DTD while ttc is not always fun and sometimes very stressful even more so when your not 100% in the mood so i found the wine helped a little.

The only real fun part was DH watching me with my legs in the air after. Yes i am one of those ppl that used to do that.

Good luck this month.

[Shanti]

Michelle - ROFL... you made me laugh 'legs in the air after' hehe i have done that a few times!!

Aww *hugs* Ourlux.... don't chart or temp or do anything like that as that can take alot of energy out of you and put stress on yourself that you don't need. I'm not charting or temping at all. i refuse to. Well, we've only just started ttc#1 the last 3weeks but what i'm saying is that don't put added pressure on yourself when you don't need to.
Like the other girls said, try and only dtd when you are in the mood for it, not when your CM says you should. i don't even look at my CM. I am kinda aware of it but i don't read into it cos to be honest i have no idea if it's DH's leftovers or if it's actual ewcm! (i think i get the watery stuff anyway like you said).

Perhaps a glass of wine, and a cuddle on the couch watching your fav movie might help? like one of the girls said. just keep talking to each other. this afternoon i said to DH are you happy with how often we've been dtd? and he said yup enjoying it. so left it at that. but as soon as one of us feels pressured or not enjoying it for whatever reason or feels robotic we are going to tell the other person. and we'll do what works for us. i dont want to pressure DH at all i told him.

DH and i are newlyweds lol.. hence why we've been dtd almost every night the last week but trust me, thats' rare!!! **and even if you do conceive by doing it 'robotic' as you said, then does it matter? its not a selfish act, its a generous act wanting to bring a new life into this world, someone you will love and care for... you want it badly enough so there is nothing wrong with that iykwim

be kind to yourself :hugs:

[Liviam]

I could have written that exact same post while TTC Olivia. We lost all the passion and it got so bad that DH couldn't even come because of how unromatic it was and the pressure we put on ourselves. We were only doing it missionary with a pillow angling my pelvis up for minimal spillage, I was temping and charting, watching my CM and cervic position and texture and using OPK and we would do it every second day except the five days leading up to ovulation it would be every day whether we 'felt' like it or not. No wonder we couldn't conceive. In august last year we just forgot about everything and went back our old sex life. DTD in all positons, with toys, sexy lingerie and everywhere around the house and just brought back the fun and along she came. We kept telling each other to relax but how could we with the stressful/routine we had put on ourselve. It was horrible.
Go back to having fun and enjoy be so initimate with each other on such an amazing special level and hopefully the love you express for each other will bring another baby into your life.
Enjoy DTD!!!

[Matryoshka]

You girls are wonderful, i feel a lot better! I also had a chat with my hubby who is also amazing, he reassured me that there is no perfect age gap and that we should just go with the flow and re-evaluate if not pregnant within a few months.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had been trying to make things romantic, i was getting out the nice lingerie etc, but i still knew the mission was to conceive and it felt wrong. The best times for us are completely spontaneous, and our intimacy has always been that way. This is the first time we'd done it planned and i really haven't liked it, i don't know if he did either. I also found that while dtd my mind would be racing with thoughts about the new baby, not very arousing and i just couldn't focus!

So i'm not going to chart anymore, or plan to dtd. In theory my body should be aroused when i have fertile cm so hopefully it coincides. And on the upside of this, after our nice dinner/d&m/wine we had some genuine intimacy time together where the focus was just us. CD 14 tomorrow (not that i'm counting ) so we'll see.

[~Raven~]

we should just go with the flow and re-evaluate if not pregnant within a few months.

Absolutely!

I think sometimes it's easy to get carried up in the mechanics of it rather than just enjoying and going with the flow. Especially when you are around lots of discussion about charting etc.

I'm glad you talked it through and feel better about it.

[Visitor7]

Just stumbled across this thread. I'm glad you and DH talked about it last night. It's better to get things out in the open, so you both know where you stand about it. As you've only just started trying, try and let it be fun for a while! Pretend you don't even know what charting is and just DTD whenever you're both in the mood.
Good luck and have fun.

[mum5boyz]

Ourlux you've already come to the decision that I was going to suggest. We've been TTC since June 2005 which is a big change from my previous pregnancies. I've been in various stages of obsession and was really just becoming miserable. I'm at the stage where now all I chart is CD1 - that's it. I still have my moments of spitting on the maybe baby or using a OPK but I had to stop temping and planning dtd as it was becoming a job not a joyous experience.

[visitor2]

Ourlux I'll tell you a little story i am so surpirsed that we fell pg with Eleanor when we did as we had my dad and step mum staying and we was using the spare bed which made such a horrible sound we had to dtd on the floor which of course made it so funny and then next month i got a BFP.

Now i am not saying get someone to stay over to make it more fun but make it fun in other ways.