I don't know if you can really talk about 'bad' parents at all - I grew up in a pretty abusive environment and I have come to understand that the mistakes my parent made stemmed from their own legacy of pain from their childhood. Unfortunately they chose to not attempt to heal that pain in themself (because that involves going to some scary places) and so instead played out unconsciously onto the next generation. I think that's what happens a lot - but when you do the work on yourself - to heal your own brokenness, then you have half a hope of passing on something good and whole and worthwhile to your children/other significant relationships.
I have observed over time that parents generally try to do their best - and children often blame them for this, particularly once they are adults themselves. So I have a saying that I think really distils the most important parts of the relationhip: It is the parent's job to love the child UNCONDITIONALLY, and provided they have done this, it's the child's job to forgive the parent for being human.
The parent should not only love the child unconditionally, but do THEIR best to keep them safe. It also means NOT abusing their children. There may be a history but you KNOW how bad you feel when you were abused, why do it to your own child?
My mother may well love me, but she has pointed out several times when she didn't lift a finger to keep me safe and protected (mentally and emotionally) and she emotionally abused me. I'd say that was "fair-to-bad" parenting, taking into account her history.
Of course I can forgive her that. It doesn't mean I have to like what happened or think she's a good parent though.
Last edited by Ca Plane Pour Moi; March 19th, 2010 at 10:08 PM.
: oooops- conditionally changed to unconditionally!
LZ, I don't believe it's possible to love your child unconditionally and abuse or neglect them or fail to keep them safe. They are completely seperate circles on a Venn diagram. Just my opinion.
Very interesting topic but it's hard to reach a conclusion because most of us only really have our own experiences to analyse indepth.
My parents definitely tried their best and they are good people. However, I firmly believe that my life would have turned out quite differently with more encouraging parents.
But the differences between siblings is always quite compelling in the nature vs nurture argument. Temperament aside, I'm really not sure if my sister and I have the same values but we may be an extreme case as DP says he has never met siblings so dissimilar.
I think most of us would agree that children's personality is already pre-determined to a large extent when they come out. As I've said before in my posts, I can't take the credit for DD being outgoing and sociable because she really hasn't socialised with that many children. I haven't nurtured her outgoing nature, that's just the way she is. However, I guess if I thought that she was naturally shy, then I may have made more effort to make sure that she did meet other kids. Similarly, she's quite a daredevil - I'm happy that she is but nothing I've done has made her that way. But again, if she was naturally quite fearful then I would be trying to think of ways to help her not to be.
This is such a great post Epacaris! I am too tired... (I think we might have measles... ) & am typing with half a hand whilst stroking Immy, stroking DS, Gloria (the ****zu maltese) has joined the scene on the bed along with Pat the cat... So I can't answer properly but will be back very soon during daylight after at least 8 hours uninterrupted sleep (aah the power of positive projection!!! )
Well... my mother gave no guidance whatsoever and was in a nutshell: nasty.
I was a bad egg.
My brother was an angel and now very successful, humble, kind hearted and happy.
That said, he had a lot of support from the rest of the family, whereas I was "not so good" directly quoted.
It's so hard to say, isn't it? Psychological studies says nature over nurture..
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) & am typing with half a hand whilst stroking Immy, stroking DS, Gloria (the ****zu maltese) has joined the scene on the bed along with Pat the cat... So I can't answer properly but will be back very soon during daylight after at least 8 hours uninterrupted sleep (aah the power of positive projection!!! 
)
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