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Thread: Am i being mean - a little long

  1. #1

    Default Am i being mean - a little long

    I'll start with this a few years back.

    When we found out in 2004 i was pg and we told MIL a few hours later she was emailing saying she would be out for the birth even after already saying she was going to come for Kimberley's birthday in the Feb. Sadly we went on to loss that baby and nothing more was said about coming until i fell pregnant with Alex.
    Again she said FIL thought it was a good idea for her to come out when the baby is born to help out with Kimberley and normal day to day things.
    So we said okay she can come but i had a bad feeling about it all. Alex was due 2nd June and she was due to arrive 4th she's already told me to hold on till she arrived. Well my body had other ideas and Alex was born by emergancy c-section on 11th May 2005.
    When she arrived she did nothing to help other than drive me places. I had to do all the cooking, cleaning, washing and asking what she wanted to do that day.
    All she would do is sit around the house and when she wasn't inside she was outside smoking. I couldn't rest when i wanted as she was always there watching what i was doing. By the time the two weeks was up i was so glad to see her go back to the UK.

    We told MIL at the weekend about this baby and they were planning on coming out at Christmas for SIL 21st birthday but they haven't booked yet. I may just waiting for an email to say she will be out at the end of January when this baby is born.

    I want to say NO and DH agrees with me when i say it but not sure if he will follow through and say NO to her. After last time i don't think i will be able to cope i will have 3 kids under the age of 4 and Kimberley will be starting Kindy so that is a special time for us also.

    Do you think i am being mean in wanting to say NO ?
    Part of me thinks i am but the other part knows what will happen if they come. As far as i know it might be MIL and SIL coming.


  2. #2

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    You're not being mean at all! I'd feel exactly the same way. If you are worried about DH going back on his word, maybe he could be the one to tell his mum initially so that you show a united front from the beginning. If she does raise the issue, maybe think of an alternative time that she could come (be it a few weeks or a few months later) so that she has something else to focus on (not that you have to, it's just covering your behind!) and then maybe recommend some places she could stay. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she will want to come out at some stage, so try to be prepared with a response so you get what you want

  3. #3

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    Michelle i think u r absolutely valid in thinking that way...one experience was more than enough - u don't need another. Take that time to enjoy the arrival of ur newest family member with the people who support u and make u feel sane. A new mother -whether it's baby #1 or #6 needs time to bond with and enjoy her new bub - not get stressed. Stick to ur guns girl - and do what's best for u and ur family!!!!!

  4. #4

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    No way that you're being mean! You've been down this road before after all!
    I think alot of MIL's use the guise "I'm coming to help when the baby is born" which is code for "I am coming to hog the baby for a few weeks while you do everything else".
    You do what's best for your family.
    Thank god my MIL knows better than to force herself on us unless she's asked.

  5. #5
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    No I don't think you are being mean at all. It's totally understandable that you would want to be on your own whilst you get used to having 3 young children. Stick to your guns if the e-mail comes and maybe suggest coming once you're into a "routine" with having the 3 children and you're more comfortable with having her come and stay.

  6. #6

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    Michelle, I agree with the others and don't think you're being mean at all. I've done exactly the same thing with my family. My Dad tried to tell me hw would come for the birth, my IL's want to come as well (but stay out of the Metro area meaning I have to go from hospital to them. Pft, As IF!) and my Grandma has offered as well! I've told them all that they can wait to be ASKED to come. And between all of us on BB, my Dad and IL's have buckley's and none of comming within the first 6 weeks! I'm thinking about my Grandma though...

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

    MG

  7. #7
    Melody Guest

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    Not at all..... you will never have that time again... ever. So it is essential you safeguard your needs & that of your family rather than trying to be polite (& you can say no politely) to a woman who clearly doesn't have your best interests in mind. Life is too short!

  8. #8

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    I'd say no way! I've even said that to my own mother coming and "helping" - I know it will be her asking me where XYZ is in the kitchen and grumping if I don't "appreciate" what she's doing all the time. She's like that enough now!

    I've told my mum that while DH is off work then I'd rather she didn't come, as we want some special time with the baby, but it would mean so much if she could visit (and she wants to stay in a hotel, not with family or especially US!) when DH is back at work and I may need some help. Hopefully then I won't need too much help and she can just help to do some cooking or whatever and we can take Liebling our for a walk or something - SiL is giving us her never-used Baby Bjorn so I won't have to stress with mum wanting to play with/push the baby. OK, it sounds mean, but MY baby, not my mum's.

    Apparently mum and sis are looking forward to shouting at the bump when they next see me. Anyone else wonder why I don't want them there at first? And I can't take 15 cups of coffee a day, once I've had the baby my mum won't make me decaff and she drinks so much coffee... ah well, it might be nice... just I'd say give your MiL a false EDD so she can't come over until the baby's 6 years old. Incidentally, I threatened my sister with that when she said she wanted to be there for the birth.

  9. #9

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    I'd definitely say no if you aren't comfortable.

    However, (don't bite my head off LOL) I know with my MIL she knows how particular I am about my house and cooking and blah blah blah and when she was here she didn't want to step on toes, when I was sick she sent me to bed and told me too bad so sad she was going to take over even if it wasn't exactly how I did it. And when I asked her what I wanted done she was definitley happy to oblige but she too just wanted to be asked. I think especially with MIL's sometimes they feel like they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. So if in doubt just ask, if they offered to be there to help and you ask them to do something they really shouldn't object as thats what they are there to do and they will probably be glad you asked so that they know they will be doing something that you want them to do iykwim?

    BUT if this is totally not your situation then thats fine I'm just offering a POV, one I didn't realise with Paris but came to realise with Seth.

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  10. #10

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    Cailin i guess i was scared to ask her to do things. I don't think it was just needing the help it was also to do with me entertaining her and aksing what she wanted to do everyday. It happend when she came over the first Christmas we was here she was just the same then. No help and i had to ask what she wanted to do with her days.

    I think when she was here just after Alex was born i thought she would have spent time with her MIL but nope not unless i went with her. I just needed my space and some sleep.

    I told Paul today no way is she coming when this baby is born even more so now i am high risk of having a down syndrome baby. I think we need that time to deal with it just between us and not family members that will only be here for a few weeks. Also we told FIL on Saturday what was going on and i would have thought a quick email from her to say that she is thinking of us would have been nice.

  11. #11

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    I don't think you are at ALL mean. Sorry to chime in btw but your story really hit a chord with me.

    When I had DS8, my MIL came over from Perth to Hobart and stayed with us for a few days and was a wonderful helper.

    When I fell pregnant with DS7, she said she'd like to come over again and help out and because she was so helpful the previous time, we said yes and DH took out a loan to pay for her airfare. I was supposed to be induced on the 10th May (a Monday) and she was due to arrive on Saturday the 8th so that she could take care of our other baby whilst DH was with me. Well, DS7 had other plans and I went into labour naturally on the Saturday morning. DH met his mother at the airport with DS8 in his arms and announced that we already had a new arrival. She was incredibly shirty with ME for upsetting the plans....like I had any say in it!

    Anyway, whilst she was with us, she did NOTHING. She didn't cook a single meal, DH cooked every meal the entire time she was there. She wouldn't even so much as put a load of washing on the clothesline, instead offering to watch the boys whilst *I* did it. She spent most of her time doing the puzzles in That's Life and Take 5 and having "nanna-naps" in the afternoons.

    But what REALLY burned me, was when she went home and told the rest of the family how hard we had made her work. DH's SIL rang me and abused me for working an old lady so hard and sitting on my backside doing nothing. Er...like...hello, I've just had a baby, there are 15 months between the two boys...who has TIME to sit on their backside??

    When I was pregnant with Zac this year, she kept making noises and dropping hints about coming over to "help out" again when Zac was due in October. I kept ignoring her and would nudge DH every time she raised the subject on the phone to him too. Unfortunately we lost Zac at 15w4d, but there is NO WAY I would invite her back again after last time!

    Good luck. It's a horrible position to be in.

    Lisa

  12. #12

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    Michelle if its mean for you to say No to your IL's about this then I must be mean. I had the inlaws stay with us in our 2 bedroom flate for a little over 2 weeks when Evanwas born. They arrived a few days before his birth. They did not come to "Help" they came to visit & meet the new grandchild. By the time they left I had been so nasty to them, it changed my relationship with them forever. Oddly in a good way. they learnt how to deal with me & I learnt how to make them realise to back off. FIL wasn't so bad, he stayed out of my way & let me get on with things but MIL was just a fuss pot. Wanting to pick DS up the moment he stirred etc. Wanting me to wrap him her way, feed him her way, sleep her way etc etc. She was pushy pushy abouthtese things but she wouldn't shut up about her idea's & how she did it with her kids. I think I really suffered from the baby blues alot longer then normal because of them staying with us in that time after the birth.
    When #2 was growing I asked DH to tell them that while I amhappy for them to come down for the birth they will need to find alterative accomidation after the birth. DH said I was just being nasty & to get over it etc. I have a history of being difficult with his parents (long story but IMO they only get what they dished out)so DH seen this as another way of me being "Difficult" just to be nasty to "his" parents. He eventully did see my side & the point I was trying to make. But I emailed his parents explaining that I did not want them to stay with us after birth as it was just too much stress for me last time. They never actually said anything about the email but did leave it till DS#2 was about 3 -4 months before they came down. It was so much easier on us. DH probably wouldn't admit it but I was right to put my foot down & say NO you can not come this time.

    Anyway my point is, its ok to say NO you have your DH's support on this as well. Don't get him to tell them & don't wait for them to offer the help. Just email them now & say you are greatful for any help she is wanting to offer but this time round you would like to be able to spend the first few weeks (even months) with your new baby with out the extra "Help".

  13. #13

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    NO, You are NOT mean. I asked my sister to come and help the day after son came home from hospital, as i had CS, and was feeling very down with the blues. She did nothing but watch everything i did. I thought that being someone who has had two children, would know how to help out with a new bubs. Next time I wouldnt bother asking for her help.
    DH Mum and Dad came to see DS when he was 3mo. I think they wanted to come earlier, but DH must of talked them out of it. I am so glad they didnt come and stay with us right after the birth, as they would have seen a different side to me which they wouldnt have liked one bit!LOL. It is only natural that you want things done your way, its your baby not theirs. They have had their turn, they should let you have yours.

  14. #14

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    Fiona that is great that you where able to put your foot down and say NO. Sorry to hear that they where no help the first time round.

    Ally that is a shame your sister didn't help you out when DS was born.

    After talking to FIL last week i now know they won't be able to afford to come which is great to know as if she says she is going to then i will say wait till you have sorted yoursleves out first and come at Christmas. Also I'm not happy with her anyway at the moment after telling FIL about us not knowing if the baby has downs we have not heard from her at all and that was over a week ago we told them.

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