Controversial thread : Sex after baby

[PollyA]

Roryrory,

I was very much a supporter of your view in "Controversial thread number one" but I actually preferred your original thread post to that article. There was something about the "think about the way you dress and carry yourself" that got my hackles up. Perhaps its my defenses I'm not sure but I liked your approach much better and if DH ever told me I needed to think about the way I dressed or had suggestions of that type I would feel very disconnected as it is just not something that we value in our world...does that make sense? Its just one way of seeing the world and not mine...

[Roryrory]

Totally get where you are coming from PollyA Every now and then I ask DH if he's sorry he didn't marry a woman who does her nails and he just looks at me blankly LOL!

[Traveller]

I don't know PollyA, a couple of years ago I would have agreed that the way I dressed was purely superficial and shouldn't matter. But in the last year I have started putting more effort into what I wear. It's rare that I will spend the day slobbing around in my pj's, for example. And I have noticed an improvement in the way I feel about myself, but I have also got a reaction from my husband. He would never have complained when I was a lot more slobby, but he certainly appreciates the effort I make now (as I do when he makes an effort). We find each other more attractive, and considering it was that initial attraction that brought us together it's not such a stretch to suggest that the physical attraction is still important in keeping us together now.

[mummajj]

oh wow i just read the original thread. and i must admit, i now feel a little guilty. DP does do so much for me!!

we had sex right up until the day before i went into labour. 8 weeks has passed and i havent really thought about having sex. he has brought it up once but has been kind enough not to be pushy. i know its starting to get to him, because he's grabbing my boobs more and more hahaha. and giving me extra compliments. awww.
hmmm...might have to give him a nice surprise now lol

and just to throw it out there. even if there are women out there that have had traumatic vaginal births...there are other ways to please our men.

thanks so much for this thread. definitely has jerked me back into reality. why should we deny our partners?? sure we are the ones up at night feeding and babytalking all day,cleaning,cooking etc. but DP works hard aaaall day, runs down to the shops cos its easier for him to go then me.(and i cant be bothered),mows the lawn,clips the hedge,gets the mail, takes the wheely bins down to the road and the list goes on and on and on...

[trishalishous]

i agree with traveller. i dress nicely/make an effort for more my sake than DHs, but i know he appreicates it.
its very rare ill turn him down also, even if im not that keen ill give it a shot, and often end up 'happy' :0)

[RainbowBrite]

I totally understand where you are coming from LMS my XDH was exactly the same.
I was the one with the higher sex drive and every time I approached him I got knocked back...he only wanted to DTD when he initiated it...once it was 6 weeks in between and not from lack of trying on my part.
It definitely left me feeling rejected, unwanted and unloved. I really feel it had quite a large impact on our relationship.
I did look after myself...but I am not a make-up kind of girl (and He preferred that)
He always said it wasn't me...he was just to lazy.
It made me feel like 'just' the mother of his children, cook, house keeper...not a woman who has needs and desires IYKWIM.

[trishalishous]

i have to say i agree. im fortunate to have an equal partner, who does more than his fair share around the house and with DD, so i can rest if i need it. as a result hes 'luckier' than his mates who spend a few hours in front of the tv/at the pub while thier partners feed/bath/play/dress thier hchildren, and then do all the housework.

[hj1981]

am i the only one where the role is reversed? i would like it more but i don't think DH does! makes me feel ................. (insert so many words there), so i can understand where alot of guys are comming from when their partners don't want it!

[MrsB26]

I just wanted to say that although i didnt read the whole lot of the other thread i did read the first page or so when it was first started and tbh it made me want to go and dtd with my loving husband. So we did and it was great and i just want to say thank you Roryrory for putting it out there cause i was in a rut and didnt even realise! Ohand my dh thanks you too

[hj1981]

I only found that thread just now.... i have no idea where i was when it was going on! LOL

I'm not the one who says no in our relationship, i am the one with a high sex drive (well its non existent now because of my ADs) and he always says no. He is the one who says its a chore, hes too tired and never seems to make an effort. So it goes both ways its not always the women who say no and need to make more of an effort and my DP proves that all men don't need sex and don't think about it 24/7.

i posted in the other thread!

Im so glad im not the only one! was begining to think something was wrong with me!
My DH never says he is not in the mood, or he is too tired, he just never hits me up for it anymore

[Mum2Romone]

Hj1981 , same here

[RhiChiChi]

am i the only one where the role is reversed? i would like it more but i don't think DH does! makes me feel ................. (insert so many words there), so i can understand where alot of guys are comming from when their partners don't want it!

I am feeling like this atm.....

[briggsy's girl]

am i the only one where the role is reversed? i would like it more but i don't think DH does! makes me feel ................. (insert so many words there), so i can understand where alot of guys are comming from when their partners don't want it!

i think there are a lot of us out there like that - and i guess that's why, when it IS me feeling a bit - i dunno - just can't be bothered - i try and remember how cruddy i feel when it's the other way around, and act to not let it get like that...

[hj1981]

i wish my DH did the same thing!

[peanutter]

Ok, so where's the balance point then between his needs and her needs? If it's ok for a man to go without for 6 months when there's a physical issue, why isn't it also ok for a man to go without when there's an equally compelling emotional/psychological issue? I'm just not buying the line that sex is so totally integral to a man's wellbeing. Not saying it's necessarily ok when sex is absent from the relationship for extended period of time, but there is a lot more to both intimacy and the balance of power in a marriage than whether you're getting it on x times per week.

I don't know about the man's wellbeing, but in terms of the relationship, I can comment - about my relationship - which natually may well differ to others' experiences.

I suffered extensive physical trauma during J'man's birth, and ended up needing invasive surgery, among other things. All in all, there was 6 months where DH and I couldn't have sex at all, and it still causes me pain.

Naturally, this wasn't much fun for DH, and the lack of sex was noticable and uncomfortable and very missed for him - and for me too. There were plenty of times when he or I just wanted sex, pure and simple. There were also lots of times when we could have comforted, enouraged, or simply increased intimacy with each other by making love. Or times when I was feeling defective and ugly due to the damage, and DH wanted to make love to me to show me that I was still desirable and attractive and perfect to him. And times when I wanted to show my appreciation for the man, husband and father he is by meeting his needs in that particular way.

And we couldn't.

And as I said, now - it hurts. There are still lots of painful spots, there are numb spots, and the whole act is kind of terrifying for me at the moment.

But sex is an important part of marriage for us, and it's not exactly going to get any easier by not doing it for the next 6 months, so we've been making a conscious effort to (as we call it) get back in the saddle.

And you know what? It's helping us as a couple. It's meeting his needs, it's meeting my needs, it's bringing us closer together, it's solidifying our relationship, and even though it's not 100% comfortable 100% of the time, it's getting easier with time and practice.

Do I always feel like it? No. But if we start slow, and work our way up to it, I'm into it reasonably quickly. If I wasn't, I'd say so, and we'd stop. This isn't about "convincing myself" to do something I don't want to do.

Does DH always feel like it? No. He's looking after a baby and taking charge of the household. But he knows where we're at physically, and he knows that he too will be mighty fine with the idea in about 3 nanoseconds after his kit is off.

"No" could of course be a perfectly valid answer - and it would always be respected.

But with the way we're going, physically, it's helping us both. Psychologically, it's helping us both. In terms of intimacy, it's helping us both. It's helping our marriage and our general relationship with each other. It's going to make TTC a lot easier!

And it's about us both making choices now to keep our relationship on track for where we want it to be and stay - incredibly close and intimate and very much in love.

Hope that makes sense.

[misty]

I think if the relationship is strong enough and the partners respect and love and understand each other enough (ie all other needs are being met), then the issue of sex (or lack thereof) may arise, but that it really isn't the be all and end all.

Sex is generally only a major issue in a relationship when there are other issues. This cuts both ways, with men and women, demanding and withholding.

IF there is a PHYSICAL reason why sex may be off the cards for an extended time, then although it may cause occaisional tensions, for the most part it is accepted by both partners and not a mahor relationship issue. It is when there are other underlying issues, or when the reason sex is not occurring is not physical, that sex becomes a sticking point.

After DD, it was at least 6 months before I could even bring myself to attempt sex again. Physically, I still hadn't healed (3rd degree tearing). It was painful and horrible and not enjoyable at all. We only had sex a handful of times in the following 6months. Of Course DH wanted it, but he understood. We talked about it regularly. If we had of had other issues it could have been the potiential for major issues; but although he didn't like it, it wasn't the end of the world. He knew it wasn't off the cards forever, he knew it wasn't because I just couldn't be bothered, or didn't want too. I physically couldn't.

With DS1 he only had to wait 3months. With DS2 it was only 6weeks.
Sometimes we have sex more often then not, sometimes we can go longer periods without it. But wether we do or not it generally due to physical reasons, not emotional or psychological ones, it isn't because of underlying issues.

I don't think women just giving their husbands sex regularly is going to help a relationship in trouble. The underlying issues are still going to be their, and just 'doing your marital duties' is just temporarily painting over the cracks. The question isn't about how often you are having sex, but rather 'why' are you not having sex? If it is a purely physical reason - a good relationship will survive and flourish despite this. If it is because of other emotional, psychological reasons, then those reasons need to be dealt with, because these can damage a relationship.


In a good relationship, sex really is just the icing on the cake. The cake is alot better with the icing, but it is the cake that is most important. Because if the cake is horrible or crumbling, it doesn't matter how good or how much icing there is or not. If the cake is good, it can still taste great without fabulous icing, although it can definitely be better if the icing is good too, or if there is at least promise that the icing is going to improve at some point in the future.

[Cherished]

In a good relationship, sex really is just the icing on the cake. The cake is alot better with the icing, but it is the cake that is most important. Because if the cake is horrible or crumbling, it doesn't matter how good or how much icing there is or not. If the cake is good, it can still taste great without fabulous icing, although it can definitely be better if the icing is good too, or if there is at least promise that the icing is going to improve at some point in the future.

Very well said. I've been trying to reply to this thread since it was started and after another one was posted on the same topic I tried again. I couldn't say anything nicely so I didn't say anything at all

[peanutter]

irrespective of all other comments, opinions and the like, I think everyone would agree that:-

1. every person is different;
2. sex can have different meaning and importance to different people and couples;
3. every woman and man have to decide what is going to be best for them personally;
4. every couple has to decide - together - what is going to be best for them as a couple;
5. no one is in a position to judge;
6. no always means no, and must be respected straight away every time, and no person should ever feel pressured into sex; and
7. we all want what is best for each other, and each others' relationships