More support for FF mums by choice?

[Trillian]

From a moderation point of view, if someone did a post in the BF forums that they were thinking about giving up, they were tired of the struggle and didn't know what to do, if anyone posted saying 'bugger the BF, just give them a bottle' then we would come down on them like a ton of bricks and remove their post, just as we would if someone posted in the FF forum and someone told them "you're giving up too easy, give BF another shot", because if you post in one forum or the other, you do so because you want a particular kind of support and hearing something that contradicts the support you want isn't conducive to anything. So Michelle is right in that regard

But from a personal point of view, I just want support full stop. I am fully capable of making the best and right decision for us as a family (hence why I didn't continue flogging a dead horse when my milk never came in with baby #4 as it wasn't right for the entire family for me to do so kwim?) but no matter what I choose to do, I expect that my family and friends will support me unconditionally, despite their own leanings, because that's how family and friends should support you. As for people in general, I don't expect them the support me in the same way and I don't care if they do or they don't, because it's really nothing to do with them. If someone posts on here asking for support, you can often tell if they really want support to keep going, or if they just want to be told what they should do and I usually post accordingly. Either way I support your right to be able to choose what's best for you, not what is the best way full stop kwim? If someone wants to work through problems and keep going, I will support them just the same as I would if they decided to stop and go to FF because I trust that you are making the right decision for you and your family.

[Matryoshka]

Hmmm I suppose i was more asking if anyone else felt they needed more support as a FF, as maybe i'm the only one who feels unsupported in FF.

Great to see that you don't

Trill, i understand from a mod pov. In that regard by all means offer support but i'd like to see more care taken in the wording. Though rather not go there discussion wise... this isn't really the area for that

[Trillian]

No that's OK, I knew you dodn't want to discuss that aspect I was just explaining it from a forum POV kwim?

I do see what you mean though and I think where the lines get blurred is when people assume support = agreeing with what you are doing 100% whereas it's probably not so much support you are looking for, but respect, respect for the choice you have made just as you would respect the choices made by someone else. because it is entirely possible to support someone fully even if you don't agree with what they are doing because it may not be something you would do yourself. So I guess it would be more supportive if someone didn't say "OMG you're going to permanently damage your baby by doing that" when they find out how you feed your baby, even if that's what they think because when someone is struggling either way, it's not up to anyone else to spout their own opinions unless it's asked for.

[Inanna]

Good points you bring up Trill...

My experience is the other side of the fence. As a woman committed to feeding at the breast I was told I was doing damange for continuing even though it was quite awful for a while. My experience was there was little honouring of breast feeding - & what was easier was the way to go. With a couple of my kids. And then with Imogen. It was incredible how many people asked me why I bothered with around the clock expressing when I was so ill... It seemed irrelevant how anti ff the NICU was - by a number of "well meaning" folk I was a bit loopy... I needed to "be practical"... I too was on medication for pain and depression/anxiety. It was a real juggle. So I can truly empathise Tan from a personal perspective.

Support is lovingly being held - it isn't agreeing with a decision (as you said Trill in different words). I support people all the time who I don't necessarily agree are making fabbo decisions. There is a difference...

[Matryoshka]

Yep, the thread was totally about my poor decision making skills

Thanks for your support

[*Ali*]

Tan- I dont think anyone was having a go at you, or judging the decisions you have made- just responding to questions and comments posted by you. You asked for peoples opinions, and my opinion is that people really hve to worry less about what other people think- no body has the right answer for you, you are the only one that holds that.

Hindsight is a fine thing, and the reality is we can't take back the past merley learn from it and move on. At the time you were BF L and the time you were tandem feeding, you believed that you were doing the best thing for your boys.

Real friends support you no matter what decisions you make in life-whether it is the same as their decisions or not, that is what makes them real friends, everyone else is just a bystander on your journey through lifes joys and bumps.

Isn't seeing happy healthy boys, feeling happy and healthier in yourself for the decisions you have made reward enough?

I really value and respect you as a friend, and I am not trying to have a go at you, just want you to see that sometimes we have to be our own cheer squad, and pat ourselves on the back- everyone else is to busy living their own lives.

[Marlene]

Support is lovingly being held - it isn't agreeing with a decision . I support people all the time who I don't necessarily agree are making fabbo decisions. There is a difference...

Beautifully said!

[Inanna]

It's really hard Tan because it sounds like you asked for support and got it but now are not happy with it? Only we as individual women can make decisions for ourselves.

If you ask pro breast feeders what to do - they are going to say what most of us don't hear in real life: "you're doing great, breast is best, I am here for you"... I can tell you as a breastfeeder of 5 babies I haven't got enough fingers and toes to count how many times I was advised to "put 'em on the bottle"... So, I am mindful of supporting women to do what there often isn't sufficient support in.

If you posted in a bottle feeding section wanting support for breast feeding you may not get what you want either.

I never "expect' support from anyone. I love it when I get it. But, I've learned that my decisions are mine - the buck stops with me. I am responsible for my choices and my decisions. Some of them have not always been good - but they are my "stripes of service" in this life!

It sounds like for YOU you didn't make the right choice or decision. I hope you can feel better about it in time.

Just remember though for many women the choice to continue was right. Each situation needs to be weighed up for that individual. Only as an individual can we take responsibility for the end result.

[*Ali*]

Is the question really about being supported, or having the confidence in the decisions we make? If we are confident and comfortable in the decisions we make, which we know are best for our family, then who gives a RATS what anyone else thinks? Unfortunatley no one can make our decisions for us, so we just have to look at ourselves and our own families and decide for ourselves. My MCHN, who is also a lactation consultant, said the best thing she ever could to me when I had decided to stop BF, and that was "in an ideal world we would all BF beyond 12 months, but we don't live in an ideal world, and we all have other things going on in our lives, so we have to do what is best for us, for our baby and our family".

The problem with advice is that we usually get the advice we ask for, so like Trillian said, if you go into a BF forum asking for advice and support and breast feeding- then that is what you are going to get. No-one in a virtual world is going to know what is going on behind the scences.

For me personally, while I struggled with the initial decision to to switch to FF, after that I was at peace with it. At the end of the day, not one person here lives in my house, walks in my shoes or knows my family, so while I will listen to advice if I ask for it, I am not going to loose sleep over the opposing opinions to my own.