More support for FF mums by choice?

[Matryoshka]

Does anyone else wish they received more support in choosing to formula feed? When discussing that I'd switched to formula when DS2 was 7 months old, I am really sick of comments questioning my need to really switch to formula... I get the feeling that they are sure it was something I was goaded in to, rather than a choice I made for the best for all of us.

I did actually stop BF due to health issues for both of us, but overall I found formula so much more beneficial for us. I think because i BF DS1 for over 2.5 years, I had my own expectations in regards to BF DS2, but also felt under a lot of pressure to continue with DS2, perhaps because I'd done so "well" with DS1.

Ironically in hinesight I wish I'd weaned DS1 well before the "full term BF" the WHO recommends. Apart from being very healthy, ie, never sick.... it was of no other benefit to us, and I really doubt he'd be any sicker if he'd been put on formula at 12 months. Yet i kept feeding him due to constant support in it being "best" and "better". I genuinely don't believe it was the best thing for us. Tandem feeding, a whole other story was a horrific experience and of benefit to none of us. Unfortunately I plodded along with that for 7 months because i kept hearing how "well" i was doing and how great it was for them. It honestly wasn't, and its also something I wish I hadn't done.

I found the support to keep BF valuable, but looking back i have realised that some of the comments were rather harmful. In making statements such as "you're doing the best for him, them, BF is the best" I kept going, yet if you came in to my home, you would have seen it wasn't the best for us. I put off going on other medications for PND due to them not being safe for BF just so I could keep BF. This prolonged my PND and being mistreated it became Atypical. I wish someone had said "whilst BF is nutritionally better, it may not be the best option in your situation", I would have looked at switching sooner, instead of stubbornly trying to continue something that was not beneficial to any of us.

Even if i hadn't stopped BF for health reasons, I'd like more support in simply choosing it. Do you feel supported in having chosen to use formula? Unfortunately I've felt stigmatised in that I must be using formula because i couldn't BF. I could BF, but it just wasn't best for us. So I chose formula, which has been better for everyone. I can't see that DS2 is at any detriment because of it. He is just as healthy as DS1, and ironically a better eater and sleeping, could be co-incidental but i'm not complaining!

I used to be a real advocate in supporting the BF mum who's having difficulties to keep BF. But i'll no longer encourage her to keep going and tell her she's doing a great job. Because i don't know whats going on in her house, i don't know her situation, so whilst BF is nutritionally best for human babies, i can't say with all confidence that it's the best way for her to feed her baby. And if she switches to formula, she'll still be doing a great job because she's made the best choice for her and her family.

I think we need to be supported in choosing what is best and better for us taking in account all the factors. And while i'm feeding my baby a bottle, i'd love to hear that i'm doing a great job. Funny enough its not something i've heard since i switched to formula, yet i certainly am.

I used to feel a great deal of sadness and sense of failure when i realised i would not be feeding DS2 in the same way as I did DS1. But now i am so glad i can see the other side of the coin! It has given a great perspective on the concept of feeding a baby and how it affects every aspect of our lives. And funny enough, instead of wishing I'd BF ds2 for longer, i now wish I'd BF DS1 for less! I wish at the time i'd received more support when toying with the idea of switching to formula.

[Michelle71]

I guess the challenge is, particularly on a forum where we don't know you and your family IRL, the advice offered is aiming to give the support we think the person posting needs. For example, if you post in a BF section then you will be given the "keep going, you are doing a great job" support that a lot of BF mothers don't get IRL. If you post in the FF section you will get the "FF is a perfectly fine option, you need to do what is best for you and your family" advice that you wish you could get IRL too.

From my perspective, when I offer a comment or advice, I try to provide the support the poster is after - whatever that is. I am pro choice. I don't really care how you feed your child as long as you feed them and love them!! Whatever works is my motto for all things child related. But it is very hard to know which way to support the poster who is having a dilemma or questioning the correct method of feeding for them and their family. And not posting anything because of the fear of getting it wrong just leaves them alone and without support - again!!

We need to be, ultimately, responsible for and comfortable with the choices and decisions we make for ourselves and our families. No one else is going to tell us we are doing a good job / the right thing no matter what choice we make. I get frowns AND smiles when I BF DD in public, give DS a dummy at 2, sit on the floor to wait for a tantrum to pass, use a sling, use a pram etc etc etc Nothing I do will make everyone happy but really - who gives a flying freckle!! The only people who need to be happy with our parenting choices are DH and I and we will live with the consequences.

You are doing a great job of being a parent and making the hard choices that suit your family. They (and you) are healthy and happy and in the long run, that is all that matters

[Trillian]

From a moderation point of view, if someone did a post in the BF forums that they were thinking about giving up, they were tired of the struggle and didn't know what to do, if anyone posted saying 'bugger the BF, just give them a bottle' then we would come down on them like a ton of bricks and remove their post, just as we would if someone posted in the FF forum and someone told them "you're giving up too easy, give BF another shot", because if you post in one forum or the other, you do so because you want a particular kind of support and hearing something that contradicts the support you want isn't conducive to anything. So Michelle is right in that regard

But from a personal point of view, I just want support full stop. I am fully capable of making the best and right decision for us as a family (hence why I didn't continue flogging a dead horse when my milk never came in with baby #4 as it wasn't right for the entire family for me to do so kwim?) but no matter what I choose to do, I expect that my family and friends will support me unconditionally, despite their own leanings, because that's how family and friends should support you. As for people in general, I don't expect them the support me in the same way and I don't care if they do or they don't, because it's really nothing to do with them. If someone posts on here asking for support, you can often tell if they really want support to keep going, or if they just want to be told what they should do and I usually post accordingly. Either way I support your right to be able to choose what's best for you, not what is the best way full stop kwim? If someone wants to work through problems and keep going, I will support them just the same as I would if they decided to stop and go to FF because I trust that you are making the right decision for you and your family.

[Matryoshka]

Hmmm I suppose i was more asking if anyone else felt they needed more support as a FF, as maybe i'm the only one who feels unsupported in FF.

Great to see that you don't

Trill, i understand from a mod pov. In that regard by all means offer support but i'd like to see more care taken in the wording. Though rather not go there discussion wise... this isn't really the area for that

[Inanna]

It's really hard Tan because it sounds like you asked for support and got it but now are not happy with it? Only we as individual women can make decisions for ourselves.

If you ask pro breast feeders what to do - they are going to say what most of us don't hear in real life: "you're doing great, breast is best, I am here for you"... I can tell you as a breastfeeder of 5 babies I haven't got enough fingers and toes to count how many times I was advised to "put 'em on the bottle"... So, I am mindful of supporting women to do what there often isn't sufficient support in.

If you posted in a bottle feeding section wanting support for breast feeding you may not get what you want either.

I never "expect' support from anyone. I love it when I get it. But, I've learned that my decisions are mine - the buck stops with me. I am responsible for my choices and my decisions. Some of them have not always been good - but they are my "stripes of service" in this life!

It sounds like for YOU you didn't make the right choice or decision. I hope you can feel better about it in time.

Just remember though for many women the choice to continue was right. Each situation needs to be weighed up for that individual. Only as an individual can we take responsibility for the end result.

[Trillian]

No that's OK, I knew you dodn't want to discuss that aspect I was just explaining it from a forum POV kwim?

I do see what you mean though and I think where the lines get blurred is when people assume support = agreeing with what you are doing 100% whereas it's probably not so much support you are looking for, but respect, respect for the choice you have made just as you would respect the choices made by someone else. because it is entirely possible to support someone fully even if you don't agree with what they are doing because it may not be something you would do yourself. So I guess it would be more supportive if someone didn't say "OMG you're going to permanently damage your baby by doing that" when they find out how you feed your baby, even if that's what they think because when someone is struggling either way, it's not up to anyone else to spout their own opinions unless it's asked for.

[*Ali*]

Is the question really about being supported, or having the confidence in the decisions we make? If we are confident and comfortable in the decisions we make, which we know are best for our family, then who gives a RATS what anyone else thinks? Unfortunatley no one can make our decisions for us, so we just have to look at ourselves and our own families and decide for ourselves. My MCHN, who is also a lactation consultant, said the best thing she ever could to me when I had decided to stop BF, and that was "in an ideal world we would all BF beyond 12 months, but we don't live in an ideal world, and we all have other things going on in our lives, so we have to do what is best for us, for our baby and our family".

The problem with advice is that we usually get the advice we ask for, so like Trillian said, if you go into a BF forum asking for advice and support and breast feeding- then that is what you are going to get. No-one in a virtual world is going to know what is going on behind the scences.

For me personally, while I struggled with the initial decision to to switch to FF, after that I was at peace with it. At the end of the day, not one person here lives in my house, walks in my shoes or knows my family, so while I will listen to advice if I ask for it, I am not going to loose sleep over the opposing opinions to my own.

[Inanna]

Good points you bring up Trill...

My experience is the other side of the fence. As a woman committed to feeding at the breast I was told I was doing damange for continuing even though it was quite awful for a while. My experience was there was little honouring of breast feeding - & what was easier was the way to go. With a couple of my kids. And then with Imogen. It was incredible how many people asked me why I bothered with around the clock expressing when I was so ill... It seemed irrelevant how anti ff the NICU was - by a number of "well meaning" folk I was a bit loopy... I needed to "be practical"... I too was on medication for pain and depression/anxiety. It was a real juggle. So I can truly empathise Tan from a personal perspective.

Support is lovingly being held - it isn't agreeing with a decision (as you said Trill in different words). I support people all the time who I don't necessarily agree are making fabbo decisions. There is a difference...

[Matryoshka]

Yep, the thread was totally about my poor decision making skills

Thanks for your support

[*Ali*]

Tan- I dont think anyone was having a go at you, or judging the decisions you have made- just responding to questions and comments posted by you. You asked for peoples opinions, and my opinion is that people really hve to worry less about what other people think- no body has the right answer for you, you are the only one that holds that.

Hindsight is a fine thing, and the reality is we can't take back the past merley learn from it and move on. At the time you were BF L and the time you were tandem feeding, you believed that you were doing the best thing for your boys.

Real friends support you no matter what decisions you make in life-whether it is the same as their decisions or not, that is what makes them real friends, everyone else is just a bystander on your journey through lifes joys and bumps.

Isn't seeing happy healthy boys, feeling happy and healthier in yourself for the decisions you have made reward enough?

I really value and respect you as a friend, and I am not trying to have a go at you, just want you to see that sometimes we have to be our own cheer squad, and pat ourselves on the back- everyone else is to busy living their own lives.

[kirsty_lee]

Great post babe, seriously. Just from my own point of view, and I know i'll be the one gets shot, I usually am lol. But I have come to a point in my parenting where I realise that it doesnt' matter what I feed her bf or ff whether she's cloth bummed or sposies, whether she's immunised or not whether she co sleeps or not. Someone is ALWAYS going to have a problem with it. But you know what tan, that's completely ok. Cause its MY baby and she's happy and healthy and fed and loved and I couldn't give 2 hoots what anyone else thinks and that's just my point of view. Ask me this when I first had dd and it was a completely different story. I desperately wanted to bf dd and you know why? Cause I would be made to feel like **** if I didn't. And anybody can deny that and debate that, but it's true. It happens all the time. I did the best job that I could for 3 months and in the end I couldnt' do it anymore. It wasn't helping her and it wasn't helping me. I was exhausted, she was exhausted so I made the switch. But it wasn't easy. I cried myself into hysteria for 2 weeks. No joke. I cried all the bloody time and why? Cause i'd be the big bad terrible mother that didn't realise 'breast was best' and that I wasn't able to do what I SHOULD be doing. I guess tan, my point is, I totally understand that you want to feel supported. Especially on somewhere like here. I too wanted to be supported in my decision. I even had one bb member tell me that I was selfish and that my decision wasn't what was best for dd but what was best for myself and that I wasn't doing it for her. Which, again, made me feel like worst mother of the year 2008. But now I just laugh. And so should you tan. You wanna ff then bloody do it! and feel proud that you ARE doing what is best for your baby. Do people honestly think that you wouldn't be? Like what people go "oh I know that bf is better but stuff it, I am going to MALICIOUSLY give them ff?" no they don't. you get by the best way you know how. Don't look for validation babe, you don't need it. Your doing a great job and that's just the way I think. My daughter is healthy, happy as your kids are and that's all that matters. I work my butt off caring for her and feeding her and making sure she knows she's loved and well looked after. And I don't need a medal for that, we all do it as mothers. And that's just my opinion .. let the witch hunt begin lol

[Inanna]

And Kudos to your Kirsty. Well done and it's great you are so comfy about your decisions.

For me my si\tuation was so very different. I was battered and bruised because of all the "you're mad for continuing bla bla blah... That's the flip side. And my goodness it was no picnic. Sometimes I cannot believe what I went through! But like you Kirsty I continued to follow my dreams and goals and what my heart was telling me to do in the voice of all the nay sayers. I think what I am saying is that there are people who judge every decision. My situation was that I was not supported much at all by the general community to continue to breastfeed. Thankfully I had very proactive and physically spportive friends, care providers and my own experience.

So, I truly get how we need to feel comfortable in our decisions. Our choices. Becuase they are ours. And surely there were nights of 2 hour feedings and bleeding nipples and mastitis when I thought: "they were right" (amidst loud sobs and blubbers!). But I did what was right for me and my child/ren.

We have to do what is right for us. We have to follow our heartsong. And you are absolutely correct Kirsty it is only us who we have to go to bed with at night. We each have our own choices. It's reconciling them and owning them that's the hard stuff (in my experience...)
\
Thanks for sharing and being so frank Kirsty...

[Shanti]

I think we need to be supported in choosing what is best and better for us taking in account all the factors. And while i'm feeding my baby a bottle, i'd love to hear that i'm doing a great job. Funny enough its not something i've heard since i switched to formula, yet i certainly am.

Hun, I followed parts of your BF'ing journey when you were feeding your boys and I think you did a wonderful job. You gave it EVERYTHING you had.... be proud of yourself.
Don't look for justification or recognition from others.... know within yourself and within your heart that you did the best you could at the time and be happy with those decisions you made. Be happy with yourself for achieving what you did and giving your babies the best start in life. Isn't that enough?
Don't be so hard on yourself. Be confident you are doing what is best for your babies and that is LOVING, CARING and nurturing your babies.

You KNOW that you are doing a great job of feeding your boys, you've even said it yourself just above in this paragraph. As long as YOU know that, then that is ALL that matters

[Michelle71]

I think that no matter how much support you receive, until you are at peace with your own decisions it will always be an issue.

For example, my first child was stillborn. I have a clotting disorder that *shouldn't* cause a problem. Gynae and miscarriage specialist said to treat when pregnant. FS said not to. I believed FS and she died. Was the non-treatment the reason Did I receive support - yes. Did it help - some days, but mostly no. I made a decision and she died. I have to live with that.

We all have to make difficult choices. It is whether we personally accept the decisions we make that matters. You have made the right decisions for you and your family. There is no poor decision making - just acceptance of the choices we make out of love and the best intentions

[MantaRay]

I would like to think that all parents are supported. At the end of the day parenting is the hardest job in the world and we all need support. There is no end to the different ways parents do things, and that's ok. We are all different and we are all great parents.

I am sorry if that hasn't been your experience. You are doing a great job Tan, keep up the great work.

[Lolli]

Tan, I haven't even used a bottle of formula yet and I've had a taste of what you are talking about. After discussing it with my shrink, I broached the subject with my midwife, and I had my mw ask me if I wanted my baby to die of SIDS, then bang on about how it's not just what's best for the mother, it's what's best for the baby. The problem was, she thought that was what i wanted to hear, when I was actually just giving her the courtesy of letting her know I had made my informed desicion to introduce a comp feed, if neccessary.

At the moment I'm wrapping my head around the concept of it's what's best for not just me, and not just bubs, but my entire family. Yep, like my mw said, I can co-sleep, I can express, but I did both of those things last time. And it didn't help. What I needed was sleep, in long blocks. End of story. FFing may have given me a chance to do that. It may have saved countless tears and arguments. it may have helped restore my own mental health and given my dh a chance to draw a breath. But I chose not to use it because i was doing what was 'best' for my ds. In hindsight, a ff would have been what was best for all of us at that point in time.

Yes, it's fantastic to be supportive of BFing. But I also think that we sometimes need to acknowledge that, with the lifestyle and society we live within, occassionaly it might actually be a FF that it the best option. The line between it being a health issue and a social or emotional one is so fine, i don't think anyone has the right to make that desicion but the family in question. I think that whenever a mum chooses to FF, we should support and respect that desicion, and remember that it probably hasn't been an easy one.

You are doing a fantastic job. How you feed is irrelevant in that- you are a fantastic mummy. Happy, healthy mummy= happy kids= happy family

[thepixie]

It's all very well to say everyone has to take responsibility for their choices - and of course its true. But sometimes when we most need to believe in our choices we are lacking confidence in ourselves. That's when it can be hard to even see the way through our situation, even though in hindsight, when things are clearer, it might appear that the right choice was obvious. So maybe if people had said different things to you at the time, you might have felt different. But maybe not.

I think that no matter how much support you receive, until you are at peace with your own decisions it will always be an issue.

:yeahthat:
All you can do is take the situation as a whole and do your best to take care of yourself and your babies. That's what you are doing, and that's what you've been doing all along, you're just learning as you go.

[butterfly_warrior]

Tan, try not to dwell on what has happened in the past, but do your best to simply accept where you are at and move on in the present. You can't change it, but you can learn from it, and I hope from this thread that some others can also learn from your experience.

It has always been one of my greatest fears that I would be challenged over not breastfeeding, fortunately only one person ever even tried it. I guess our situations are the complete opposite in that it was quite simply impossible for me to breastfeed (no milk and the necessity of scary medications for me to be able to function on a physical level and that's before we even tough on where I was headed in terms of mental health)... and yet, I think I know what you mean. Not being challenged about your decisions isn't exactly the same as having those decisions supported.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be completely at peace with my parenting circumstances (they are not necessarily choices). I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'll be able to hear praise for something I don't do and not hear it as condemnation for what I am doing...

I also have to agree with the point thepixie made. If you aren't in the best headspace yourself, if you don't have supreme confidence in what you are doing (and what first time mother does?), then it is very easy to get caught up in the groundswell of opinion and get carried along to a place that doesn't necessarily suit you.

If it's this hard as a mother who FF by necessity, I can't imagine how hard it must be for someone who has chosen to FF.

BW