Does happy mum REALLY equal happy baby?

[Liz]

yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with having the time out etc, and completely agree that every household is different.. it's just the phrase that irks me somehow.

And yeah.. having the kids minded so you can catch up on sleep is all good.. but for me, resorting to controlled crying to get that sleep, or making a baby drop night feeds at a really young age, to me isn't about having a happy baby at all.. it's about making baby fit in around you, regardless of how it might affect the baby.

I don't think I've slept through a whole night since DS was born.. so it's coming up to 3 years now LOL. and I could have expressed milk and got someone to help more through the night, but i dunno, I guess my mentality was that feeding was my job.. and even if I expressed for a night worth of feeds, it would only really give me two bothersome days in exchange for a bit of sleep.. ie. a day of expressing to get a few feeds in the fridge, and then the next day dealing with engorged boobies! LOL. So I've just plodded along and followed the kids lead on that kind of thing.

I just feel like the phrase gets used to shirk some everyday mummy stuff. I mean really, when we signed up for this job, we knew life was going to be all about the baby for a while! They start venturing out of the nest soon enough, the first couple of years go pretty quickly.

I think it comes from the general truth that when your needs are met, it is easier to meet other people's needs. I find this to be true in any relationship, if dh is helping me with things and meeting my needs, I'm much more happy to help him and meet his needs. So if a mum gets something she feels she needs (to have her need met), whether that be 10min of 'me time' a day, to a whole day off, or something else, then it helps her to feel a bit more refreshed, loved and ready to nurture other people.

Very very true. i don't want it to sound like I don't think we should have me time or whatever, as I agree with what you've said completely. I just prefer a balance of give & take, and when a very young baby can't voice it's own needs, I feel like that saying leans more towards the take than the give sometimes.

I also feel that if I'm meeting the needs of the baby, the baby is more likely to 'give' me that me-time. I guess it's all just what perspective you take huh.

[Willow]

I think that's the answer Liz - you are obvioulsy happy to do what you are doing and have strong beliefs on issues like b'feeding etc. If those things made you miserable, I think that would be a different situation all together.

[Rouge]

I guess I can see both sides to this.

I will give this example as its the only one I have. Breastfeeding. With my first child, I breastfed till 4 weeks then got given ill advice from a paed and was told to put her on formula, for a week. I did when we tried to re-establish breastfeeding it went really bad. I expressed for another 2 months, we tried everything I had LC's and even feeding tubes. In the end she was so distressed at being held in the nursing position that the LC said it was probably best to discontinue. So I expressed till I couldn't anymore and FF. Now I felt "happy baby = happy mum" WRONG! I went through the worst PND imaginable. And she got severe eczema from the formula. With my second child I breastfed, it was bloody hard in the beginning and I realised a lot of what *I* had been doing the first time around was WRONG. Little things, but they do make a difference. I persevered and it was the most rewarding time of my life. I was able to look back in retrospect and see the things I could have done differently and I wish someone had said to me "Just keep trying" instead of "Just give up."

Of course every situation is different, but this is my story.

[Ginger]

Liz, i completely agree with you.
i, also, get really annoyed when i see that statement thrown around all the time. i guess it's because i don't really understand what it actually means.
there's been times throughout this pg where i definiately haven't been a happy mummy- but i kept breastfeeding ds, and keep co-sleeping with ds as i know these things keep him happy. i personally would prefer to have a full night's sleep.
idk, i tend to think more along the lines of happy baby=happy mummy..and i completely agree that using controlled crying to the point where baby is visablly upset and even throwing up (like i've heard some people do) does not, by any means, equal a happy baby.

[Oorki Galoorki]

YES No yes no.....

i have always put my kids needs before mine a majority of the time(how i need new undies but my children are growing so need there stuff first)
i am weaning DD before she is ready but i know i wont be happy once i have weaned, that doesnt make her unhappy..but its something i feel i need to do..

I also feel that if I'm meeting the needs of the baby, the baby is more likely to 'give' me that me-time. I guess it's all just what perspective you take huh.

ilike this thinking but unfortunatley it hasnt worked that way for ME.. which makes it hard when trying to do it the "right way" (yes i do believe in a right way to parenting)

also i think the key really is knowledge if you are constantly trying to learn new ways of dealing with moments that make you an unhappy mum then your most likely going to succeed...
i bf my first for 8 ish months and was determined to make it to the 12 month mark with my second. so i got so much more information(mostly from the wonderful BB) aswell as getting a great support behind me (local ABA). i made it there, im 6 months past that mark and i know we have been successfull. i just cannot handle this stage now but never have i thought cos it will makeme happy(even though i will regret it) it will make DD happy.

also support plays a huge role. my dh knew how important it was 2nd time round to make it past the 12month mark for me so when i was having bad days he helped me he didnt ever say what about formula just to give yourself a break......


sorry im all over the place with my ramblings...

[Liz]

I also feel that if I'm meeting the needs of the baby, the baby is more likely to 'give' me that me-time. I guess it's all just what perspective you take huh.

ilike this thinking but unfortunatley it hasnt worked that way for ME.. which makes it hard when trying to do it the "right way" (yes i do believe in a right way to parenting)

Yeah, well, doesn't really work for me either, but I like to think it will some time! LOL. As I said, I haven't had a good night sleep in nearly 3 years! But both kids have been very content little things (to a degree!) so I feel like my sacrifices are slowly getting rewarded. For instance, my DS now sleeps RIGHT THROUGH the night. I mean.. that is a HUGE thing for me LOL. Shame DD isn't yet! I feel like meeting his needs to feed to sleep for 2 years paid off with me having a boy that doesn't fight going to bed (he might whinge now & then) but he goes to bed and stays there! So hopefully in the long term it all pays off hehe. I won't know myself once DD starts sleeping through. i probably won't be able to sleep!

[onthefly]

I agree Liz. The happy mum thing bothers me a little bit sometimes too. Not because mums shouldn't be happy - I don't think we should all be martyrs or anything like that, but so often it seems to come down to a happy mum OR happy baby choice.... I guess one underlying problem really is the fact that so many parents (and that often means mum, really) are fending for themselves without much support. In the end we all just have to make the best decisions we can in the circumstances we're given.
It is really difficult to function and care for someone without sleep. Wow, three years Liz! I've only been going 9 months... I don't think that should mean I leave my DS to cry it out or switch to formula, though, I think that means his dad and grandparents need to step up to help out where they can (which they do).
I wish we had a government programme for home-helpers to come and support new parents in their homes in those critical first few weeks, and that could come back occasionally for parents desperately needing break time later on. That would be far more constructive than any CIO advice, etc.

[Mumma2three]

The way I read it is if the mum is fulfilled and happy in general, they can deal with a baby better than a mother who is not happy. Like Captain said.
I believe if a mother is not happy they are less patient, have less of a fun spirit and sense of humour, and it takes alot less time to become "over it". On the other hand, if the mothers needs are met, I think everything is easier, easier to have fun with children, far more patience and generally able to deal with the whole parenting situation better (like lack of sleep, isolation at times etc).
I say all this because I KNOW I have been a "less" good mother lately because I myself am not fullfilled. LOVE my kiddies to bits and they are the most important thing in my life.. BUT.. I am beginning to wonder what happened to "me" and this is bringing my spirit down a bit. Im also losing patience with DH alot easier and finding that he isn't helping me AT ALL. THis could be because of my attitude. But it's not just limited to the kids, he is driving me crazy alot faster than he used to!
Same time last year, I was fulfilled. I was running my own business and I felt that FINALLY I was achieving some of my lifelong goals not related to my children. They weren't career related either, they were a bi-product of my business, getting around people, public speaking etc. I can honestly say I was such a good mum! Fun, patient, loving, although tired, I had more energy because I was happier.
So that's my experience. For me it's not to do with co-sleeping, breastfeeding etc. I don't read into it that way. But if co-sleeping is driving a mother insane, then maybe not doing it will mean happy mum=happy baby?
But for me it definitely relates more to Mother with happy/fulfilled/spirit, = happy baby.

[sunshine_sieben]

You do have a good point, Mumma2girls. Thanks for sharing your experience.

It's just that the word fulfillment always irks me. It's not the meaning of the word itself. It's just that it is often used in a context that I dislike. It's those people that ask me: "What, you want to JUST be a SAHM. Are you sure you can be fulfilled that way?" Or an aunty who told me that she regretted being a SAHM while her kids were little because it was boring and unfulfilling.

Well, I see it differently: I find it extremely fulfilling (whatever that means) being there for my child/ren and my family. I couldn't imagine that working for someone else would be more fulfilling TO ME.
Having said that, DH and I do run our own business and I do work there a little still. But tbh, I'd rather step back even further. My mum was a SAHM as well, and she would never do it any other way. So although, we've now left the nest, she is still "fulfilled" because she knows that what she has achieved in her life is the greatest achievement: raising kind, loving and compassionate children (well, I am blowing my own trumpet here a little, sorry).
Sorry, that was so off topic...

Yes, I do think it is important that a mother's needs are met, even if they might not always come first. It is so important to have a support system around you. For help when you need it or just as a shoulder to cry on. If you feel like you are not alone in this, you can get through the hard days and nights. But if you feel isolated and neglected, then it is very difficult to keep perspective. I know I would have lost the plot on a few occasions if it hadn't been for my family and good friends and you ladies here on BB. Thanks!

Saša

[sunshine_sieben]

Mmmmmmm, I so understand where you're coming from.
My good friend has just had her second child. With her first, she ended up having a c/s (because she was being pushed into an unneccessary induction) and because of lack of support she didn't manage to overcome her breastfeeding problems. She felt like she failed at birthing and feeding her baby. So this time around, she decided to have an elective c/s and didn't even try to BF becasue she didn't want to feel like a failure again. She did say her reasoning was happy mum = happy baby. Without judging her, I have to disagree with that. I do think, for her, this might have been the right decision. But maybe not for her baby. It is a compromise that she made. I don't think she has done her baby any harm by making this decision, but saying this decision was made becasue it was ultimately best for baby is what I disagree with.

I think in any family, we constantly have to make comrpomises. Whether it is your relationship with your husband, or between you and your children. We have to weigh up our need for rest against their need for assurance. And maybe the right decision is to have a "night off" every week. DH and I used to do that. Once a week, usually on Saturday night, it was DH's turn to look after DD when she woke in the middle of the night. If she needed a BF, he'd bring her to me, but I didn't have to get out of bed. That was when she only usually fed once a night. This arrangement worked for us. I didn't feel guilty for "neglecting" DD and often it was good bonding time for DH. Often on Sunday mornings, he would let me have a sleep in and h'd take DD to the park or make her breakfast.

But by going against your beliefs, you will not be that happy mum. And yes, you are right, sometimes it gets really really hard. I have often felt that I have chosen the hard path. But it was made a little smoother by the feeling that I'm doing the right thing for my child. And ultimately that makes me happy. So your reversed version is appropriate.

I did use that same saying sometimes to combat people who told me to wean (DD has just recently self-weaned) or used to tell me that co-sleeping was bad for her or to use CC. They used to tell me to do these things for my own sanity, because as the saying goes: "Happy mummy = happy baby". But how can letting my baby cry make me happy?
I used to tell them that breastfeeding made her happy and content and ultimately that made me happy. I told them that she slept a lot better when co-sleeping with me and if I can get more sleep, I am much better able to deal with whatever the day throws at me. Which then makes her more relaxed.
So maybe it should be "Happy baby = Happy mummy = Happy baby"

Sorry for the rambling. But you've raised a good point.

Saša