Friends who use CIO methods - do you say anything.

[blackduckies]

I don't think you should say anything either..... just as your would'nt like to be told your methods were wrong they are going to feel confronted if you question their methods, only way would be if advice was asked for eg: I am having loads of trouble getting DS to sleep in his cot anyone got any ideas??? Then maybe you point the person in BB direction etc. I say if the disscusion goes that way... (often it does cause DD is very happy ,relaxed rarely cries etc and they want to know how we do it)we decided to do what ever works at the time and gentle parenting or a more relaxed approach I feel has made DD a more relaxed happy baby, I think cause she knows we will be there when she needs us?? Sometimes people ask more..other times they just say oh thats not for us we like routine...then you have to respect there ideas and wishes.

[JBF]

Hi, I am not sure if this is a private thread or not but I just want to ask a completely ignorant question. What does CIO stand for?

[sloane]

jbf - it stands for 'cry it out'

and i hope it's not private cos i've just barged in with my 2 cents!

[misty]

I don't think you have the right to say anything.

I have on occaision done the same thing as that woman with my kids (albeit no-one was there to judge me). Each circumstance is different and we all make different parenting choices. If anyone chose to comment on a single aspect of my parenting based on an isolated (or even recurrent) incident, I wouldn't take it very well.

My firstborn had reflux and was an EXTREMELY unhappy baby for the first 5 months, the only way she would fall asleep was after 30min -1hr of screaming (regardless of if I was there or not). After 6 months her reflux got better, she got happier, but she would still never go to sleep until after she had a good long scream, not until she was over one. I couldn't stay in the same room as her, I was emtionally worn out, and it would just prolong the screaming/crying. I never discussed this with my mothers group or any friends, because I didn't want to hear them tell me their opinion.

My DS1 is still a terrible sleeper, but the CIO method never worked for him - so I have never done it with him.

My DS2 is a brilliant sleeper (so far - touch wood).

The only reasonI am telling you this is to let you know that you may not know the "whole" story, or even if you do, unless ahe broached the subject with you, you have no business talking to her about it, or telling her what she should orr should not be doing when raising her kids.

[Santosha]

Thanks girls. I don't think I will say anything as I really don't want to cause a rift and know I would probably hate it if someone did that too directly to me. However I might be a bit more vocal in general about the choices I'm making and WHY. Until now I've just said 'I rock her to sleep' or 'she often sleeps in our bed' but I haven't really explained that there's some good research and theory behind my approach. I might do what Marcellus suggested and just say 'Oh I've been reading such a great book... it really helped' etc. so at least it gives the others the opportunity to know that such info/ideas are out there without telling them that they 'should' take on these strategies.

Just makes me so sad that so many dedicated, educated, competent Mums are still told that this is the only way and often that it's actually good for their child - eg. 'he needs you to teach him how to sleep... this is how you do it'. And, as a consequence, so many babies have to experience this stress. I know some parents choose to do this when fully informed of all the options because of their own circumstances and preferences and I want to be clear... I respect that.
Thanks again for your input.

Out of interest... who HAS said something about someone else's parenting? Why? How did the other person take it?

[wysiwyg]

My MG sounds alot like yours.

Is a really difficult one - I tend to assume because I am the sort of person that researches everything that other people have done that too and therefore are making an informed choice - but often that isn't the case but issue is you just don't know. And it is sad because it seems with motherhood you can't often discuss things like you would other aspects of life because people feel judged so much. I also think that sometimes you behave differently with other people around - e.g. maybe the mum would normally go in there and sit with him etc but felt needed to be out chatting with you guys.

If you can find something with a balanced view, I think the I have been reading this, or sending link to articles on internet - not directly to anyone person but just for general info is a good idea. In my MG people often send links to interesting stuff around and then is up to people if they want to take on board or not. I was reminded the other day about how I told someone about BLS and they had never heard of it before and now her son is like a poster boy for BLS.

[Doing my best]

I am in 2 different social circles with my children (1 group mainly comprises of past and present BB mums), and even though we all do gentle parenting in some way, we all do differently.

I have both my kids sleep in my room. IF DS is disturbing DD too much, then DH takes her to sleep in the spare room, but neither are left on their own. And in my original mothers group, the kids are all in their own rooms with CIO used at times. I had one of the mothers so embarrased that her DD was screaming, and chucking an outright tantrum, she thought I would never go back. But if that is the way that it works for her, who am I to judge and tell her I don't agree, or I think it's wrong? I know they don't agree with my children sleeping with us, but they have never directly said that I am doing it wrong, just said it isn't for them.

Just makes me so sad that so many dedicated, educated, competent Mums are still told that this is the only way and often that it's actually good for their child - eg. 'he needs you to teach him how to sleep... this is how you do it'. And, as a consequence, so many babies have to experience this stress. I know some parents choose to do this when fully informed of all the options because of their own circumstances and preferences and I want to be clear... I respect that.

Do you know that the mother that you have written about is 'uninformed'? Is it possible that she fits into the category of knowing and chooses to do it that way? Or maybe she was doing things differently because she had visitors? OR maybe the kid was acting up because their were people there? How would you feel if she told you that you were doing things wrong, just because you have chosen a different method of parenting? I don't tjink either way, is wrong, we just all go about it differently.

[Santosha]

You're right... I don't know that she is uninformed. She's pretty switched on and has made some great recommendations to me about other aspects of parenting where she's found useful info. I make that assumption only in that some of the things I have mentioned in passing (eg. Pinky Mackay, NCSS, BLS etc.) have come as a surprise to these women and quite a few other Mums I've met and also because I know she gets lots of info from her older sister who has done sleep school with her 3 kids (and she said pretty early on that on her sister's advice she was using CIO).

I know I'd be pretty upset and irate if any of the girls from MG told me they thought my parenting choices were wrong. I've just got to pull my head in and trust that the choice is right for her and her son. Just stirs up lots of emotion hearing a bubba so distressed I guess. And I do have a tendency to want to 'fix' things and thus have been known to stick my nose in or give advice where it's not welcome.

[misty]

We all know where you are coming from though. I just need to hear a baby cry for 2 secs and my heart breaks for it. Moreso if it isn't my baby, because I know the differences in my baby's cries, that let me know how serious it is - whereas someone else's baby I cann't always make the distinction, it always sounds more distressed then it might actually be. IYKWIM?

[Doing my best]

Don't get me wrong, I hate hearing kids cry too.. But I have to trust the parents know the difference between the cries (genuinely upset, or just a loud grizzle). I know my DD plays on me to get her own way. But I have learnt to look for tears to know whether she is really upset, or just playing me

One thing that my husband keeps telling me is that it is hard for a young child to fake happiness, so if they are generally happy most of the time, then it might not be 'ideal', but probably isn't hurting him either.

[Visitor8]

wow a lot of you don't think she has a right to say anything

I don't think by any means that people should judge her, but sheesh when I had my first and left him to CIO... well lets just say NOW that since I am a no cry mumma and Ash is never left to cry I WISH someone had told me there was another way I used to hate hearing him screaming but I thought that was the ONLY way to do it I hold such regret now...

There is a difference between judging someone, and letting them know there are other ways