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Thread: Drug-Free Birth

  1. #37

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    DH has said no doula because we'd have to pay for one (please no comments - I'm thinking the same as you, only worse!), but refuses to tell me what he'd do IF I was in pain and someone asked him what to do. He's under enough stress without me messing with hypothetical situations. To my mind, that's going to be a real situation soon enough, not a hypothetical one!



    I'm going to keep going with the yoga and exercise and just try to get my body as ready as it can be, and if anyone brings anything over to me whack them in the head with it! That'll make me feel better than drugs.

  2. #38

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    Like I said before Ryn, it's still early days and you would be surprised what some good birth preparation classes could do Philosophies need time to develop.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  3. #39

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    Ryn I got this email today:

    Dear Kelly,
    Just returned form holiday and read your post to the UK midwifery list. Have the couple concerned managed to get some classes yet?
    I am an independent midwife and National Childbirth Trust Antenatal teacher and live in Hampshire. I teach private couples classes. If your couple are interested ask them to send me an e-mail.
    With joy,
    from Joy.

    Let me know if you are interested!
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

  4. #40

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    Thanks Kelly! I've not heard back from the Mid-Sussex girl yet, so will ask DH about it when I get home.

  5. #41
    Fee Guest

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    I didn't have a birth plan I just went with the flow. Of course I would have preferred a drug-free birth but I was in so much pain I just wanted whatever I could get! Unfortunately they could not get an anesthetist in to administer an epi so I tried gas (which I didn't like) and then ended up agreeing to pethidine which really didn't help the pain that much!

  6. #42

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    Wow, my sister has backed me up! She's a speech and language therapist, working with children, and does a lot of work on how brain stresses at birth can affect speech (yeah, she did get the family brains!) and tells me that an epidural means that although the mum can't feel the pain/stress, the baby could be and you need to feel what the baby's going through or something... well, sounded all reasonable to me! My argument was that if I can't take a painkiller the day before for a headache then how on earth are stronger drugs better a day later! She said that when DH was in the room too (at my parents', not at the wedding) so although he's OK with the thought I want him really on my side at the time.

    Although she and one other girl are the only two people I know who want drug-free births, but knowing that my sister and I have similar pain thresholds it's good to know that she thinks we can cope with it too!

  7. #43

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    Thats fantastic news Ryn that your sister is backing you up. My feelings are the same when it comes to drugs and pregnancy. We spend our 9-10 months of being pregnant being so careful what we put into our bodies(well most of us) and all in an instant this changes when we are faced with pain.

    Be proud that you feel so strongly about having a drug free birth Ryn, afterall there is nothing to be ashamed of

  8. #44

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    OK girls, I think I'm freaking out about this again and would like an opinion on this:

    I don't want a hospital birth. In fact, I will not go to a hospital at all, I don't even like being in this one and I'm working here! (Well, might not be in a few months, but that's another story.) I don't really want a birth centre or other people around me, but was starting to accept that as a given.

    However, the last week and a bit I've just become more and more paranoid about this - currently, my birth plan is to go into the bathroom (we have a large bath with a seat in and a shower I can have on me as I sit down) and not say anything to DH until the baby has arrived in case he tries to make me leave the house and see a midwife or something. I just don't want anyone there with me seeing me give birth - that includes DH! I knew even before Liebling was conceived that I didn't want DH there when I gave birth, but I did know he wanted to be there so I was coming round to the idea, but now I'm off it again. What if I'm at my parents' though? I won't have anything booked and I won't know what to do and they may try to get me to the hospital... I'm not going there. I hate hospitals and I won't go to one to have my baby. I don't want anyone else there, just me and then, when the baby's arrived, DH. No-one else at all, not until I say so a few weeks later. Oddly enough, I would consider my sister being there along with my DH - I think she'd be more support for me and it would let DH "enjoy" the experience more. I don't know how to ask her though, as if I change my mind she'd be gutted and I know my mum would be that I'd pick sis over my mum. And sis may be gutted that she couldn't have a cuddle straight after too.

    Anyway, that's by the by as my sister lives hundreds of miles away so can't really be expected to help if we're still in Sussex! If we're in Yorks I may consider asking her.

    Can people please point out that I'm being really unrealistic - for some reason I'm not willing to listen to midwives and family who say that - and that I need to go to a birth centre/hospital, they won't give me drugs, I won't be scared and that everything will be OK?

    Oh, I just don't want to be in a horrid dirty ward with lots of other women and crying babies, I just want everything to be "special" and not "oh, I see lots of babies every day, let's take the baby away and jab it". This sounds silly as I type it but I just can't stop feeling like I want this to be just me and the baby and NO hospital/birth centre, NO doctors or midwives and just maybe my DH and sis there to support me if I need it - I think I'll need someone there to "catch" the baby as I won't be able to do that, and I may need some help to not collapse in a heap on the floor!

    You know, I can only picture DH there in the abstract - then he's "DH", just some chappy who can hold me up and wipe my brow and be proud of the baby, not my actual DH, a real person, who will be icky over the blood and ask me if it hurts and will ask before he holds me and Liebling in a big embrace once I've given birth - if he even remembers that I'd like that. I mean, after hearing me talk about "ideal proposals" with my girlfriends, this is a guy who turned, hugged me and whispered in my ear: "do I have to go down on one knee then?".

    Also, is it odd to look forward to DH saying something daft so I can have a good laugh a few years later?

    So yes, sorry, I really needed to get that out, but am I being really daft in wanting to go completely solo with the whole birth thing? It could be because I don't know where I'll be living so don't want more strangeness thrust upon me: new midwife, new hospital/birth centre... I just don't want anyone I don't know really well around me! It's not just a drugs thing, although I do sometimes fret that someone will try to give me something and I won't be able to say no at the time (maybe because I'm busy thinking on pushing or something), but I do know that's irrational. Can someone please talk some sense into me?

  9. #45

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    Ryn, I think you sound like the perfect person for a homebirth. I guess the biggest problem for you is where you are going to be living. If you knew for sure then you could go about finding a midwife who you are completely comfortable with. OR, you could always freebirth.... But that's a whole other thing. My midwife I had for Tehya's birth was fantastic, she never once did anything or even suggested anything that I didn't want to do. Of course you can catch your baby. I caught mine

    DF on the other hand was completely useless. He wasn't into the whole "Homebirth" thing and spent most of the night asleep or laying on the lounge. I could've easily done it without him there. Anyway, I'm sure that your DH does want to be there and would be gutted for you not to have him. Maybe you can talk over your fears with him, get him 100% behind you and know that he won't give in when you need him to be strong.

    Not sure if anything I have said makes much difference or not. Just wanted you to know that I understand your fears. They are valid, and hey if we were alittle irrational at times we wouldn't be women

  10. #46

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    hey ryn
    i think that for the first baby you should have someone there "just in case" if something happened you would never forgive yourself
    it is DH's baby too so i feel that he should have the choice to be there or not to be there dont you want him there even just to hold his hand and share with you the moment you all become a family?
    if you want your sister there i think if she is comfortable with it she will be honoured and if she is a good sister she will understand your wish to save cuddles for a week
    obviously everyone will try and get you to a hospital it is because people are afraid of what might happen you have to respect that but make them understand that if possible you want a homebirth read everything you can and find a professional in all the places you might be to be able to come and help you

  11. #47

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    Had a big row with DH about this (and other things) last night. Sigh. He really isn't wanting me to homebirth and doesn't understand why I don't want other people around me. He says I have all the choices about this pregnancy apart from this (since when?) so he's putting his foot down and we have to go see the birth centre. I did threaten not to tell him when I went into labour, which he said was "childish". Oh yes, I also got to pick the names... really? So spending hours with him picking a name was pointless? "Fine," I said, "Matthias for a boy and Elspeth for a girl." No, that's childish because DH doesn't like those names... so not my choice then? Also not my choice of pregnancy timing, that was all up to DH without me even knowing! OK, not going to complain about that but still...

    Right, so anyway, back to the subject in hand. DH won't let me home birth and he's OK with no hospital, he just doesn't understand I don't want people walking in and out while I'm giving birth! How many people want someone to look at them naked, legs wide open and making weird noises? This is the DH who took 3 months to persuade him to go to the GP because his testicular problem had come back. He also doesn't see why I don't want to share a ward with horrid chavvy mothers who'll nip outside for a ciggy and come back stinking. And he doesn't care what a nurse thinks about the baby, it will be special to us.

    He also doesn't want to attend any classes - he doesn't want to know anything about pregnancy or birth because he's "not ready to be a Dad". I'm so mad about that! He also "never said he doesn't want the baby", but with all the negative attitude from him that's all I heard! Yes, he did know I was mad at him, btw! Then he wonders why I told him to stop groping me when we went to bed... while I did calm down, I really aren't ready to let him off that easily.

    I think I will talk to my sister if we end up moving to Yorks, she'll be a lot better birth partner than my DH and at least has some idea about pregnancy and birth!

  12. #48
    jade21887 Guest

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    Hi Ryn

    First of all good luck with your pregnancy!!

    My husband was alot like yours with my first pregnancy. Didnt want doula etc. I ended up getting induced, losing control, had lotsa drugs and having a c section. This pregnancy we are getting a doula, and I will not be using pain relief. It can be done. You need to fill your mind with thoughts about the contractions. Some that I have down on my list are: each contraction brings me closer to my baby, each contraction massages my baby, and most of all, you only have to deal with 1 contraction at a time, you will get a break, be it 10 seconds or a few minutes. Somewhere I read that in 12 hours of labour, there is only about 3 and a half hours of pain. thats just over 25% of your time.

    I also remember something that my birth class teacher told me, which is sticking in my mind at the moment. She told us that contractions dont hurt, its just that the uterus stretching and your cervix dialating that makes your mind think that its painful and sends out the pain messages. (mind you, it still bloody hurts lol) so I guess thats something to have in your mind.

  13. #49

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    Ryn - im sorry to hear about your DH not wanting to go to classes...CAn you ask him if he would prefer if you had someone else as your support partner? he maybe scared he cannot give you the support you need. I have my hubby and my mum as backup incase hubby falls to pieces. He attended the classes and I must say they cleared up a lot of questions he had and fears for the birth..I guess he wants you to go to the hospital as he feels its safest for you...Im not sure the policies in England however I am allowed to stay at home as long as I feel comfortable during labour and then when they contractions are 2mins apart I can go to the hospital (unless of course my waters break and I am bleeding and no contractions).

    Thinking of you hope it all goes well sorting it out.

    Bel
    xxx

  14. #50

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    DH nearly had a fit when I told him classes start in December - these are the flipping FREE ones! As for support, my mother is not going to be there, my sister lives with her (250-300 miles away), my MiL has already said she doesn't want to be there (I didn't ask her, we were talking about the "have fifty thousand people in the birthing room" phenomenon that neither of us liked!). I would rather go it alone, because DH is so useless: he has said he will listen to the midwife/doctor over me for my treatment. He's going to be banned, I just need to think of a nice way to do that.

    My plan of "staying at home and not telling anyone" may well work - DH doesn't want to do classes and is proud of his lack of knowledge, the midwife I saw a couple of days ago didn't see anything wrong with a home-birth and we laughed at DH's reasons against - "It may annoy the neighbours with all the noise and I don't want to clear up after it."

    I actually want to do this alone, without any "support people"... I just don't want to be told off for saying something hurtful to them when I was pushing the baby out! (Another VERY good reason for not having my mother anywhere near me for the next fifty years, BTW.)

  15. #51

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    Ryn, I told my DF that I was going to do it alone at home, or just wait so long that it would be too late to go to the hospital if he didn't agree to mehaving a homebirth Obviously it worked for me.

    My brother was alseep in the house as was my mum's foster child when I had Tehya. he onlywoke up 5 minutes before she was out. Partially from my screaming and partially due to the fact he had to get up for work.

    Mum's nextdoor neighbour heard me in the morning too, but didn't care about it at all.

    I say go for your homebirth hun. You sound like exactly the perfect candidant for it.

  16. #52
    Fire Fly Guest

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    I have both my kids drug free but i cant say that i really planned it that way. I actually said with my first that i would take gas but nothing else. I didnt even think about it to tell you the truth. I just got on with it and made every pain a positive pain. I walked as much as i could and slept between the contractions with #1. I was then stuck to the bed with the monitor around me so i had to get as comfortable as i could, but still just got on with it.
    #2 DS, was drug free to which is what i wanted again, and thats only because i knew i could do it. I walked again through contractions and made the pain positive.

    Everyones pain threshold is so different so thats the teller really. I actually thought mine was low but soon found out it was quite high, lol.
    I think the advantage to a drug free birth is that you feel reasonably well afterwards.

    Just go with the flow and take what comes. And remember, its positive pain.

  17. #53

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ryn
    So is it possible to go drug-free? Or am I really deluding myself? DH will stand by pretty much anything I want, commenting "don't argue with an angry woman in labour" (bless ), but I don't want drugs!
    Yes it is! I went drug free for my second child and it was fanstastic! At the time it was so full on (I won't beat around the bush with that) BUT afterwards I was on such a high and my recovery was significantly better than that with my daughter (I had an epidural in the last couple of hours before she was born and ventouse intervention). It took me a while to physically recover from her birth. I also had a very bad coccyx sprain.

    I did lots of preparation this time around. I mean, I prepared with my fisrt child but what I thought I wanted then, I did not want this time around. I did Active Birth yoga classes, read a bit of Janet Balaskas, polished up with some Shelia Kitzinger as well. Active Birthing was amazing and I could move around. I could not do this with an epidural with my first, and moving around made a big difference. I had an excellent Midwife too and my DH was very supportive. He even attended an Active Birth Workshop with me at about 37 weeks and he took a lot of it is and he knew physical ways he could help me as well as emotional support. My mother is also a Midwife as well, and she was great to talk to with preparation as well. She was talking me into going completely drug free the first time. I should have listened better LOL. But I did it second time around and it was brilliant!

    So, that's what we did anyway . I had a fantastic birth experience. Only problem was my MIL's tantrum a few days afterwards, but that's another story LOL.
    Last edited by T&GsMum; September 3rd, 2006 at 10:18 AM.

  18. #54

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    Ryn, I am really concerned about you having no support at the birth, in fact someone who seems so proud about being useless for you and that its just going to be a whole lot of mess and trouble. When you hit that crisis of confidence as all of us experience at some stage (e.g. the 'I cant do it anymore, I want an epidural, just get it out, I will have a caesarean stages'), it seems there will be no rock or stability to get you through, someone to say the right thing when you are doubting yourself etc. I'd strongly recommend looking into someone being there who is experienced, you get to know a doula or birth attendant through pregnancy so you will feel more comfortable with them when the birth comes about and they are used to all sorts of situation. I have not had one woman abuse me or her partner in labour - it just doesnt happen... I really hope you can get some support and the birth can be a nurturing and powerful experience for you.

    I am only saying this because I would love for you to have the birth you want, but as my birth teacher Rhea says, the majority of those who plan a natural birth and get one are those that set themselves up for one. They surround themselves with supportive people and birth attendants, choose the right carers and place to birth, choose the right birth education and read the right books - I am not saying if you dont do these things you wont, but in all her experience in 26 years and midwives telling her she is so right with her theory, it most of the time does go that way.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    Follow me in 2015 as I go Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team and many wonderful members who have been so supportive since 2003.

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