My family consists of myself, my partner, his 6 year old daughter, and our 2 month old baby daughter.
6 yo stays with us an average of 3 nights per week. The rest is with her biological mum.
We have an old small house which is double story.
there are 2 bedrooms upstairs and 2 bedrooms downstairs.
Before baby came along my partner n I and 6 year old would sleep upstairs, us in our room, 6 year old in her room, just accross the hall.
Now with Baby, as there was not enough room upstairs, I have moved our bedroom downstairs with the other adjoining room into nursery.
Got it so far??
Problem is this:
6 year old is very much attached to Daddy. Daddy loves 6 year old. Very sweet and lovely.
On many occaisions they would cuddle up together "camping" in her room, our room, caravan - anywhere - thus setting up what I believe to be a routine with not much scope for any real development of self security and independence for the 6 yo.
I must add here that 6 yo is very smart and endearing (read: cute!) and is used to getting her own way on just about everything - but THATS another issue.
Since baby came along the sleeping arrangement has been this: Daddy and 6 yo sleep upstairs on mattress in one bedroom, myself and baby sleeping downstairs, me in parents room, baby in her nursery.
3 nights a week is annoying to me. I have a problem with it. And as much as I try NOT to - sometimes I do take it personally.
The way I see it is ; why cant 6 year old sleep in her OWN room (decorated beautifully mind you - verrrrrrry apealing for a young girl) which is upstairs,
and
Mum and Dad sleep downstairs in own room.
The house is tiny.
I can hear talking and crying from anywhere in house.
My partner however, refuses to leave his 6 year old upstairs "alone" - for security concerns and because he is worried she will be upset; whilst he an I are downstairs - closer to the naturally more demanding baby.
He thinks I have to get over it, and I think he should teach the 6 yo to sleep independantly. BASICALLY.
Ever since she was 2 she has interrupted our sleeping habits and taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays because Dad allows her to stay up until 10 or 11pm - when he goes to bed. I love my partner very much and would like to spend at least an hour alone with him to unwind every day. I though thats what was normal for most parents who are happy together - which we are.
Dont get me wrong - 6 yo and I have a fantastic relationship of our own and if she would let me I would love her as my own!
Now I have a baby of my own who is here every night - I want to raise her with a good sense of self security and resonable independance.
I would not have a problem with having her upstairs and parents on another level.
I just do NOT want this new baby of ours to take over and control our lives the way the 6 yo does. Nor am I looking forward to conflicts that could arise from jelousy between the siblings over whos sleeping with with Daddy.
I forgot to mention Daddy is :"GOOD COP" - Me Mummy is "BAD COP".
Do I have to get over this?
Or is daddy's concerns over the top and unreasonable?
We can't agree on this topic - now we are avoiding it to avoid arguments.
Does anyone else who has one child sleep on separate floors and can make it work?
Can the baby sleep in your room, and the 6 yo in the other on the same floor?
It's a big change for her given what she is used to, and it's sounds like the dependence is encouraged and enabled by your partner, who I'm sure loves his dd and only wants what's best..
He needs to be the one to encourage her to sleep on the other floor, and it doesn't sound like he is prepared to
I'm not sure whether there's anything you can do I really feel it has income from him.
What does her school teacher or her mum think of her staying up so late? What are her sleeping arrangements at her mums house?
Are there any underlying gears or anxiety that either your partner or his dd may have?
I think you can't force independence. It comes when they are ready and you can kind of help them along the way, but it needs to be gentle. If it is forced it could completely backfire, often by nurturing closeness when they need it you will get that independence later (Pinky Mckay has written about this)
The first thing that needs to be worked on is the bedtime, it is really quite late as Pandora has said. Good idea to have a similar bedtime to what she has at home. At least getting her to sleep by herself for those few hours is the first step to getting her to sleep by herself the whole night. I understand you need for adult time of an evening, I certainly have that need as well.
As for spending the whole night separately, well there many dads who are shift workers, or who work away, so I see a dad spending time with his daughter a few nights a week not to be such a bad. I think if you can get her to bed earlier, then things will be better.
My 5 1/2 yo often wants to come to bed and sometimes still need us in the middle of the night. So I think it is quite normal for a 6yo to still need a parent to some extent of an evening. I suppose it is just finding that workable balance.
Pandora: Her mum would hate to know of her staying up so late - especially on a school night. The next morning she can be irritable and tired - not surprisingly. He says that he know he has to get her to bed earlier but he's all talk and no action. I keep suggesting to get her to bed earlier but as im not the biological mum, and I can see how much fun they do have together - I kind of feel like its not my place to be such a party pooper. If she was my daughter however - I would not stand for it.
Some underlying fears are he worries that because she doesnt have her mum n dad together hes trying to make it up to her by ensuring that whenever she visits her dad she has super fun. He worries she will feel sad. (he came from a similar situation growing up)
Honestly - I can see he enjoys this time together with her - so maybe there isnt anyhting I can do, it might just be an issue for us that will be ongoing - crap.
I just was wondering if I was being a sook - though my feelings are mine and I think theres absolutley nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with my partner -he is a lucky lucky man!!
Its such a big change for her with a new baby there, i would be reluctant to force separation at this point. I think having the baby in with you for a while and the 6 yo on the same level is a good solution for the moment, and look at moving her upstairs on her own when the dust has settled a bit. Could you have both of them upstairs and you guys downstairs? This might be a bit more appealing to her, knowing she is not upstairs on her own and its a bit of a novelty?
Can you have the baby in your room with your DH and the 6 yr old in the other room close? that seems to be the best solution she has her own room (ie, independance) and your have your DH back in you room...
I have to agree with your DH, I wouldnt leave a 6yr old (my dd1 is nearly 5) upstairs by herself at all for the same reason. I dont want to create anxiety within my child, I would prefer her to feel safe and comfy in her own home. But thats just me.
As your baby gets older the sleeping arrangements will change again, and maybe in 2 years time the 6yr old will like having a room upstairs by herself, but I think shes a bit young yet. I can see its hard that half the rooms are upstairs and half are downstairs.
ETA - re staying up late, I think its late, I would never be happy with staying up that late, when my dd1 stays at my mums she does go to bed maybe 1-2 hour later thats it, anymore I would be saying I dont think its right. Also it is time that you have with your DH.
Last edited by *Belle*; February 17th, 2011 at 07:44 PM.
sleeping arrangement saga - OPINIONS WELCOME!
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