BW's rules for the family who wants to be supportive

[butterfly_warrior]

Thank you, Sara.

I'm so glad that this is helping others to know what to do or say... but I really don't think of myself as brave at all. Just doing what I've got to do...

BW

[LizzieP]

Sorry all - but it's time for a bit of an emotional purge. Just ignore me if I am sounding too whiny or grumpy. I just had egg pick up yesterday and I am a real hormonal tornado. Apologies again. Although I must say this has been very cathartic...

Thou shalt NOT tell me to stop worrying because stress has a negative impact on an IVF cycle. I already know this!!! Please be patient with me when I say I really am doing the best I can. I appreciate your concern and I am trying a whole range of things to "chill" but this IS a roller coaster ride and I don't particularly like roller coasters.

Thou shalt NOT, as a medical professional, make me feel that I am asking too many questions about the IVF process and the changes in my body especially when I have fears about Ovarian Hyper Stimulation.

Thou shalt not discuss IVF in front of me as if I am not there and then proceed to give me advice having not done a cycle before. Please...just let me have a little time to tell my story the way I am experiencing it.

Thou shalt be compassionate like my work colleagues by encouraging IVF patients to take leave when they need it. (I am very lucky)!

Thou shalt have a wonderfully supportive partner who goes to the chemist late to buy heat packs and who brings you dinner in bed when you're feeling crappy. (And who also tells you really inappropriate jokes that never fail to make you laugh).

[grub17]

hi all,
this is my first post, i only just discovered this site today.

but just thought i'd share my experience thus far: bit of background for context... we are at our egg collection stage of our very first cycle. we don't live anywhere near our families due to work location.

We have told none of our family or friends what is happening. That is just the way it has to be because of the commandment list! I'm from a small rural area and if my mum knows, everyone knows.

So if i tell her and not my friends there will be issues.

Everyone knows we have to do ivf but we weren't plannign to start until next year sometime. so we just remain vague if asked and no one is really asking. the other reason for keeping it quiet is that it doesn't become the be-all focus for us, we have to engage with our families normally and that's good for our sanity i think.

Then there's the other commandment i'd like to submit "THOU shall not constantlly chirp on about how, if I am lucky, I'll probably have twins or triplets because all IVF babies are such". eerr, go to te back of the class.

I would just like to add, finally, that i love our family an I realise that they mean well and love us and only want us to be happy. they are uninformed and clueless but i know they mean well so that is why i feel i couldn't ever post the commandments to them. I think while we all understand it, I don't think my folks would. They'd just be hurt. but that's just my relationship with them which is usually very close and everyone's different.

So there's something to be said for 'flying under the family/friend radar' but then again we don't have much support when/if it goes pear shaped.

thansk for listening.

[Caramello]

I thought of another one - don't know if has already been mentioned...

If you have been included in critical information THOU SHALL NOT pass on information to a third person without the express permission of the IVF couple (particularly if it is someone outside the intimate circle of family and friends).

This causes stress to said IVF couple who have to run around making sure that their intimate circle of family and friends have been informed, when they may not necessarily have wanted to inform them.

(Grrr Dad - gosh I hope that this does not get mentioned at the baptism tomorrow).

[Samandpoppy]

Hi Guys,
So good these suggestions. I have one to add for friends and aquaintances:

* The most appropriate response is "oh, bummer" and then closely followed by "are you OK, do you need anything" then shut mouth for 5 minutes, this has the same affect as actually listening.

* Thou shall not say anything to the effect of "at least you already have one child"or "be thankful for that". This process has made me more thankful,and more sad, than you will ever know. If you say that again, to anyone, you forfeit the right to your second born, I will do a great job raising him or her.

* Also I forever claim the right to lecture anyone over the age of 35 who says they are waiting until they get married, get more money, get taller, grow wings, etc etc before TTC, as I know about this particular heart break and you don't, so nerrr!

Also to the naiive cousin.

* if I ever again hear that you are putting off having children right now (you are 36 and should know better) because a baby would interfere with your fun social life right now, maybe in a few years, you will give up the right to my rich Aunts inheritance!

Bit bleak I know, I am a nice person sometimes!

[Mindhugs]

Wow - I am so glad that I came across this thread. It's made me feel as though my emotions over my sister are normal.

She has clearly told several people about my infertility, including her beautician. And if I have to hear one more time "just adopt, my friend did and she's so happy now" I think I will fly down to Sydney and strangle her.

Put the icing on the cake was when she told me before xmas that she had finally thrown out the cot and change table she had been keeping aside for me for all these years, as it's time to move on..........that was a tough one and brought out a lot of emotion from me.

But I also love it when sisters, sister-in-laws and mother-in-law all insist on telling me and DH what we SHOULD be doing to fall. They're all such experts on endometriosis. And they know of someone who tried this, and someone who tried that. Oh, and have we tried this. NO we are obviously stupid and haven't researched or tried a thing.

I know they are not devoid of emotion and understanding, but they just don't back down. I'm too scarred to tell any of them that we are weeks away from our first IVF cycle.

BW - your "Thou shalt not..." statements are priceless. With your permission I may use modified versions of them in need.

[butterfly_warrior]

Go for it, SK. I'm in Sydney and would happily volunteer to strangle your sister for you if it becomes necessary. You'd think they'd start to get it with time, but it never seems to happen.

Hang in there - the end result is so worth it!

BW

[Samandpoppy]

BW
Was very amused by your offer! ha. Thank goodness for my brother, who just said oh, bummer. what a great man.

[sportychick]

good on you BW. I hop eyou get the chance to communicate this to your family and that they won't react badly. Don't forget though, that THEY are in charge of their own reactions and that if they do react badly ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.

[Indadhanu]

Thou shalt NOT under any circumstances call to enquire about the result at the conclusion of a cycle. If we tell you about the cycle, we'll also tell you about the result, when we are good and ready, and not a moment before. There's enough pressure from ourselves without having to feel like we have let you down also if we get a negative result. There's enough disappointment between the two of us without adding yours on top.

Yes, i second this. In our last cycle we got a negative, and also found out that I hadn't ovulated and it had grown into a cyst... I didn't tell our friends, I was too upset about it, only Shel (obviously) and my sis and SIL knew. A friend has now got the sh*ts because she found out a week later, instead of at the very moment we found out. Not only am I upset because I got a BFN and a painful cyst, but I have to repeat it over and over again. Surely she can see how that is painful!?!?!?!?! Well, apparently not.

I'd also like to add another ... same friend actually....

- Thou shalt NOT, EVER, ask as soon as you see me "do you feel pregnant yet?" or anything along those lines... I'll tell you if I do... Sometimes that reminder that I'm on the TWW is something I don't need, especially since when I do venture out and be social, its usually to take my mind of the wait!!

[Acacia]

Hi BW
It sounds like writing it was really helpful and cathartic for you. I reckon it feels *so* good to get it out of your head and onto paper. You're very witty and funny, and I'm pretty sure your family/ILs wouldn't have a clue about that, would they now?
I hope that you can find a way - whether through editing or whatever you need to do to feel comfortable - to be able to give this to your family/DH's family. Perhaps you can attach it as is with a note of explanation: what brought you to writing them etc.
Who knows? I hope that you can find a way to help your family to wake up a bit, even though it shouldn't be up to you to do that, and it's not your fault they're behaving as they are.
Miss C

[MantaRay]

BW, I have to say that I think you have done a fantastic job with your rules. I think anyone who got offended is probably a very hard person to please anyway. Most of us are unsure how to address issues we do not have experience with, and I for one am always grateful for assistance with this. I think you should publish your rules so anyone can give them to their family and friends. I hope that you find a way to give them to your family.

[scooby]

BW loving the rules they are excellent
Hows about
" thou shalt not say "at least you know you can get pregnant" after a mc or ep!
and " maybe if you really wanted a baby it might happen" after a 3rd failed IUI.( beacuse if you dont shout it from the mountain tops who cares)
i think you covered this one but upon telling MIL of impeding mc she said "oh thats no good, your SIL just had to give up breastfeeding" (WHHHATTTT THAAAA)

[Shannon22]

Oh i love this thread!! I agree with every single one of the rules! Especially the when you relax it will happen one... arghhh!

I do have 2 more to add:

Thou shall NOT say insensitive things like.... you knew it probably wouldn't work... you had to expect it not to work...when you hear the news of a failed cycle. A hug would do much better!

And lastly this really annoys me i am 23 and have been TTC for 3 years and this one peeves me to the max.

Thou shall not say... well you are young it will happen..... or be patient you have another 20 years left to try and have a baby, just support our decision and love us.

ok enough of my vent! I love these rules!!

[Caramello]

Hi BW,

Great list!

Ok - going to be a negative Nancy - I just remember what my in-laws were like when we tried to explain via email how to treat us around about this time last year.

Unfortunately they took it completely the wrong way and thought we were resigning from the family (we just wanted to back out of a Christmas gathering, which they wouldn't let us do despite our explanations).

I suppose what I am saying is that despite your best intentions, people can react in ways that you can't predict at the time. And it can be messy. Particularly at this end of the year when emotions are running high.

Then again, if it's a choice between that and emotional pain, I'd still take messy!

Good luck with it BW!

[butterfly_warrior]

I can see your point, Gargy.

Problem is that this time of year is probably the hardest for family stresses, and also one of the hardest for dealing with infertility... but it also makes it one of the hardest times for the family to hear "you haven't been doing it right!".

Perhaps it might just be easier to opt out of all family gatherings this Christmas. Let my family believe we're spending it with DH's family, and let DH's family believe we are spending it with my family... and then, when things are a little less crazy and emotions aren't running so high, send them the information.

A similar topic came up on the fertility friend forums today, there's been some beautiful stuff posted there that I really do want to copy across at some stage.

Was it really that funny? I thought of it all as being very sarcastic and cynical, certainly not witty at all. Perhaps that might actually help it in being accepted by the family...

BW

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Fantastic thread, BW.

I have had the longing for a baby, but thankfully no trouble conceiving once DH came on board, but I would add a rule from my life and from talking to a friend (who tells me over coffee "you know Sarah X? She just had a miscarriage." Why does she tell me that? And what should my reaction be when Sarah mentions it herself 4 months later?).

If you do insist on treating my fertility as gossip, at least try to retain some manners and my illusion of dignity by telling your friends they aren't supposed to know.

[Caramello]

Phew! I came on to double check that I hadn't offended you.

The double cross of families is an excellent idea - wish I'd thought of something like it last year when all hell broke loose!

Yes it was funny - but then again the majority of us understand where you are coming from.

Ryn - excellent addition too. I have this particular person at work that almost feeds on the knowledge of what is going on with me. These days I cut any discussions about having children to a bare minimum. Anyway, most of my discussions these days are about houses - can't wait until I don't have to discuss that anymore!