Conception Trauma

[Andie78]

it just depletes you, doesnt it? the sadness and grief is just relentless. you think you are getting a handle on it, then you get yet another failed cycle and it snowballs again. the ttc & ivf journey is hard enough on its own, but often you have those additional hurdles along the way - ohss, cancelled cycles, no fertalisation, miscarriages, d&c's, unexpected hospital stays etc. when i hear myself talk to people IRL about what's happening, it sounds so eventful/dramatic all the time. its exhausting. and you can tell that people IRL are just looking at you like "omg...". it is isolating bc its personal, and if you havent been through it its very difficult to understand.

i feel like i am not being allowed to live and grow in to my own life. im stuck in someone elses life and powerless to do anything about it. i just have to wait and hope. after 5.5 years - the waiting it getting old. and so am i. the trauma compounds with each cycle, month, year - you dont get a chance to process it all, bc you are on to the next cycle, blood test, internal scan etc. you just have to keep going bc what else can you do? stop, give up? thats not an option and thats not going to get you anywhere. even taking a break for a couple of months, while great at the time, leaves me feeling guilty and like i have just wasted even more time. and even when you do get pregnant, the first feeling isnt joy - its fear. and that is just so wrong. its incredibly frustrating and never stops.

i hear you n2l, and all the ladies who have posted. i genuinely 'get it' and am living it too. i am relieved to have bb to share this stuff with others who 'get it' too, it does help. xx

[LionsandBears]

Mlr - doctors do know what causes most miscarriages. Whilst distressing, it's a normal part of reproduction. Mother Nature taking care of things, if you will. 1/3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage and 50% of those will be anembryonic pregnancies or blighted ovums. You dont need to wait for 3 losses for testing. That may be a guideline for some doctors, based on how normal miscarriages are, but if you dont want to wait, you can request testing. Just be aware that the human genome is huge and not everything can be tested for. Therefore, the answer is often 'we dont know'.

[Mrs Mac]

N2L your words are absolutely amazing, it is truly like you found all the words I could not figure out how to say.

You almost brought me to tears sitting in my office because it feels all too real. Your are an amazing person with great strength and I also truly hope that BFP is just around the corner for you.


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[Marley&Me]

The endless cycle of hope and disappointment is utterly exhausting.

You took the words right out of my mouth N2L. I have completely lost myself in this battle, my mind will never be the same.

Thank you for sharing this, it was written superbly xx

[CeCe]

I was a lucky one who eventually got pregnant, but realise now I didn't make the most of my pregnancy because I failed to believe it was actually happening and we would be parents. I think it was when I went back to work that I finally realised DS was here to stay. Up until then I just felt like I needed to protect myself and didn't really think he was here to stay. I was (and still am) making the most of being with DS but kind of felt like it wasn't real and was only a temporary arrangement. I guess it stems from not feeling worthy of being a mother, or growing more certain as time went on that it wouldn't happen, since we had to fight so hard against "mother nature" to get him. I know this probably doesn't make much sense; I don't think I'm articulating myself well, but it's how LLTTC and a miscarriage has effected me.

[spiceoflife]

What a blessing is this thread! LTTTC produces such complex grief, not least as some of you have said the grief of others not understanding/respecting/holding us in our grief. But that's what this thread does...! Thank you n2l for posting it.
I think for me (1st ever bfp 3.5wks ago) I'm trying to find a way of moving forward in the joy I feel without dishonouring the grief of the past, coz it was real! But so is my joy now... And part of me doesn't want to be bound by something that seemed set to destroy me, part of me wants to let the (suffering of the) past be the past.
Does that make sense to anyone?

[sushee]

I agree I am not the same person I was before LTTTC. I will never be. I know exactly what you're talking about n2l despite it now being 6 years ago that I went through it, despite not personally wanting any more children.

One of the reasons I took an extended break from Belly Belly was, being a mod of the LTTTC forums, I could not let go of how my infertility defined me, and at that time, I really felt like I needed to, in order to move on emotionally. I had had a child, via IVF, and still I felt all the grief, the injustice, the trauma (and I so agree with that word) of having to go through what I did to have him. It sounds so stupid to say that since I did have a child, but strangely enough, that doesn't heal you, I honestly don't think it ever will. It doesn't revert you to the person you have been forced to become.

Having said that, I don't think the person I became is a bad person. I am more proud of the person I am today that I would ever be of the person I was before I struggled with infertility. But there are times, more than I care to admit, that I wish I hadn't had to feel what I did, to experience what I did, to get there.

Today I don't feel like my infertility defines me. But it is part of the fabric of my entire person, and makes up who I am.

[nothing2lose]

When I posted this thread I never imagined it would get the response it has....

I think it goes to show that Conception Trauma is very real. I just wish no one had to go through it.

Thank you everyone, both for your responses and your kind words and well wishes. I am sorry I made some of you cry. I hope, at least, the tears were cleansing and will help you in some way through your path to healing.

May all of us still waiting be blessed with healthy, earth side babies, and may all of us who have been on this journey find peace and reconciliation.

Take care x

[blessedatlast]

N2L - I will come back to reply properly when I have more time, but just wanted to say it was a brilliant post..

[BlackRose]

Beautiful post N2L..

[Bex]

Thank you for this thread... I've been one of the very lucky LTTTC's & have gorgeous lil boy to cherish after nearly 4 yrs including two of IVF, a scary pregnancy that almost ended at 24 weeks but we both fought hard & have a happy ending which I feel I have no right to complain but I have battle scars that are deep & will always be there.

I have recently started to see someone because I feel I'm always in edge, it's like Im holding a bit of breath in all the time if that makes sense.
It doesn't help that my darling lil sister is having a terrible time Ttc & is having some of the heart breaking moments you would never wish on anyone that we have all experienced & I hurt for her. I wish no one to ensure what we've been through.
I've read stories on here that make me cry & wonder how the universe works when ppl who have all the love in the world to give have the hardest time or never get the gift of children when there are people out the who simply can't care for the children they "just pop out".
Sorry if this is all over the place I'm on my phone & typing through tears.
Thanks N2l for posting what many of us have thought but not been able to articulate.

[gurnz]

Ah shouldn't have read this at work -teary! Thank you for such a great post. You seem to have expressed my feelings too.

Found out this week our 6th round didn't work. No answers. I feel I have no-one to talk to as all my friends have children and I'm sick of making my mum and sister upset too. I do feel a failure and can't see a way out at the moment.

It is so darn traumatic and the waiting and not knowing makes it even worse.

Thanks for putting into words what a lot of us are feeling at the moment xx

[LizLemon]

Thankyou for this thread. Until you go through it you just couldn't imagine how hard it is.

Early on, the timed sex - forcing yourself to have sex when you didn't want to. This is destructive in itself.

Watching everyone around you get there so easily. Having to tell everyone that you just aren't interested in having kids yet to hide the fact that you are having problems, when on the inside you want nothing but a baby. Keeping that dirty little secret.

The invasive procedures of IVF. The transfers would always cause me great stress as the invasiveness would bring up some issues I have. Being utterly traumatised at the point where you should be having a great time with your husband in bed is not a great way to start a pregnancy.

The fear of the pregnancy, not wanting to sneeze in case you hurt the baby that you'd fought so hard for.

The lack of trust in your body/nature and the dependence on high intervention doctors because that is what you're used to.

The fear that the hormones that you pumped into your body will cause you cancer or something down the track and take you away early from the kids that you worked so hard to conceive.

The fear that the artificial conception has left your children vulnerable to birth defects/other problems.

The fear that in using IVF you have bypassed nature and caused your own beloved children the same heartache that you've gone through.

[kerbear]

N2L I think you have said beautifully what some of us feel but dont know how to write it to make sense.
It definitely changes you and I can relate to do much of what you write. I know for me getting a bfp will just be the first step, as last time it was short lived like many other beautiful women in here.
With all my heart I hope that this journey brings you that much wanted baby, you bring a world of strength and advice to us all and can only hope that in some small way we all help you with your struggle as well.
Once again, beautifully written words expressing your true feelings and emotions xo

[Jane :)]

All i can say is I agree whol heartedly. I feel a broken woman and don't think I'll ever be whole again.

[Lulliloo]

n2l, you have captured perfectly how soooo many of us feel.
it is a horrible journey we are on. being reminded every month by af that we are not preg. its devastating.
i feel incredibly jealous and envious and sometimes furious at people that just fall pg without any assistance or even any effort.
then i feel guilty for feeling that way.
i don't even know how i will feel if i ever do fall pg. of course i will be happy and excited, but there is an added dread of what next. i think this feeling is much more intense for ltttcers.

for us all