it just depletes you, doesnt it? the sadness and grief is just relentless. you think you are getting a handle on it, then you get yet another failed cycle and it snowballs again. the ttc & ivf journey is hard enough on its own, but often you have those additional hurdles along the way - ohss, cancelled cycles, no fertalisation, miscarriages, d&c's, unexpected hospital stays etc. when i hear myself talk to people IRL about what's happening, it sounds so eventful/dramatic all the time. its exhausting. and you can tell that people IRL are just looking at you like "omg...". it is isolating bc its personal, and if you havent been through it its very difficult to understand.

i feel like i am not being allowed to live and grow in to my own life. im stuck in someone elses life and powerless to do anything about it. i just have to wait and hope. after 5.5 years - the waiting it getting old. and so am i. the trauma compounds with each cycle, month, year - you dont get a chance to process it all, bc you are on to the next cycle, blood test, internal scan etc. you just have to keep going bc what else can you do? stop, give up? thats not an option and thats not going to get you anywhere. even taking a break for a couple of months, while great at the time, leaves me feeling guilty and like i have just wasted even more time. and even when you do get pregnant, the first feeling isnt joy - its fear. and that is just so wrong. its incredibly frustrating and never stops.

i hear you n2l, and all the ladies who have posted. i genuinely 'get it' and am living it too. i am relieved to have bb to share this stuff with others who 'get it' too, it does help. xx