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Thread: Donor Conception General Chatter #1

  1. #73

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    Hi Gargy
    I can understand the way your DH feels I suppose, most men really aren't into talking about infertility. Especially if it's to do with the 'boy part' IYKWIM.
    I really don't see that the counsellor would hold that against you when you go for your counselling regarding known SD. I have a known SD (I have no DH though). I went to joint counselling with my SD and his wife and it was really more an information giving session and to ensure you're up to speed with legal implications etc. She also raised one or two things that were interesting, eg. what age to tell the child, what would happen if the SD and I had a falling out etc. At no point in the session did it appear she was judging my suitability as a recipient at all. So, don't worry about that. He provided his sample on that day and it was frozen. I had no feedback whatsoever about the counselling. So, don't think of it as a 'pass the test' thing.
    I think IVF counsellors are very used to the male uneasiness. My XDH was horrible at our first counselling session in 1995 - back then you had to go to counselling for any kind of IVF cycle - non donor and all. Just kept saying it was a waste of time and didn't know why we had to be there. He had a point but....
    To be honest, I'd avoid the joint get-togethers if it makes DH uneasy - this road is hard enough and can place enough strain on relationships without adding to it. You can easily arrange your own meet-ups with people you meet on line if you want.
    Good luck!


  2. #74

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    SuziQ - your advice has given me the freedom to look at this in a different way. You're right - when we went through this before the counsellor simply advised, and didn't juge. I don't know why I got fixated on that idea.

    And I will tell her thanks but no thanks re the gathering..

    Thanks so much - you have really put me at ease...

  3. #75

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    Hi,

    Everyone must be extremely busy!! Just letting you know, I'm seeing the counsellor tomorrow to go through the next hurdle. Feeling more calm thanks to SuziQ! I'll let you know how things progress...

    Gargy

  4. #76

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    Still here Gargy but yes busy! I am glad SuziQ could help you out and i hope the counselling goes well tomorrow. I know that my DH would be exactly like yours if we were in your position. I am happy that it is donor eggs that we need and not donor sperm as I don't think DH would cope with that at all.
    I must apologise too, the get together I was talking about was from an egg donor site some of us belong too. It was probably a bit rude to talk about it on here. I have been to a few BB meets in Melbourne so hopefully you will get to go to one soon in sydney.
    Lulu, hope you are feeling OK - any details on your FET?

  5. #77

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    Hi
    Yep, I've been chasin' me tail a bit lately.
    Am sure all will go well with your counselling Gargy, glad I could ease your mind a little.
    Hi to everyone!

  6. #78

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    Hi SuziQ! I found out that the counsellor does have to sign forms, but this is simply after all of us have been counselled to make sure we understand the ramifications of going down this path. So it's more of a signoff than a judgement - I obviously got the wrong end of the stick.

    No worries Anney, I'm just a stickybeak!!

    I'll be going to a DCSG picnic in a couple of weekend's time so hopefully this will be good. I've said to the counsellor that the IVF one was not really for us as we're not in cycle at the moment.

    I've also thought whether I would cope if we also needed eggs - not sure how I would react - I suppose I cross that bridge when and if we get to it.

    Lulu I also hope you are ok.

  7. #79

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    Well, I've taken a step back onto the fertility rollercoaster, even if it is only a big-toe at the moment! LOL! I sent a letter to the Clinic Coordinator just updating my situation - ie. the FS wanted me to lose 10kg before coming back. I have gone down a dress size BUT the scales have hardly budged! AARRGGHH!

    So although I've lost cm's I haven't gotten down to the weight the FS wanted. I'm happy to keep working on it BUT I'm conscious that I'm turning 39 in May and I don't have 12 months to waste on trying to lose a few more kilos coz it's going to slow! (I am a size 14 now which is the smallest I've been in a long time!).

    They rang yesterday and said the FS would like to see me for an appointment and a chat about things. Of course I'm hoping it's not a 'sorry but there's nothing more we can do' chat! Surely he could have told me that over the phone rather than make me drive 1 1/2 hours to see him! SO. My appointment is on 22nd Feb. Fingers crossed they are happy to continue treating me. Otherwise I guess I'll be looking for a new Clinic!

    Oh, and you girls are the only ones that know! I've decided not to say anything to family and friends at this stage about giving things another go. I need to see what the FS has to say as there may not be much to tell them anyway!!! So thanks for listening!

    Marg

  8. #80

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    Hey Marg
    I doubt that he'll refuse to treat you. Size 14 isn't big!!!! Blimey.
    Good luck on the 22nd, that's not too far off

  9. #81

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    Does an egg donor have to meet the prospective parents also?

    (I would consider donating an egg after I have finished breastfeeding my last child.)

  10. #82

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    Hi 7H
    Being an ED is such a generous and selfless thing to consider.
    You can choose to do either an anonymous donation or a 'known' donation. Known donation may be someone you actually know eg, cousin, close friend or could be someone you find through them advertising.
    There is a bit of info around, I think there will be some posted in here soon....
    Feel free to PM me if you want any help in the meantime.

  11. #83

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    Hi everyone,

    I am so pleased to find this thread!

    Can I share my story? And seek some advice too please?

    I have a great family (3 little ones) - all conceived naturally.

    I have a wonderful friend, who has been trying the IVF merry-go-round for a number of years - with eventually 0 egg harvests.

    Their only hope is ED - and I could think of nothing better than giving them something that I have plenty of! When their FS told them the bad news that there would be no more IVF attempts for them - and that ED was the only possibility - I offered immediately (and they cried!). They did immediately told me all the negatives of the process - but I couldn't imagine for one second that any of the negatives would outweigh the positives of giving them a chance of conceiving a baby.

    After sometime, they told me that they were so fortunate to have had offers from 2 other women close to them. They were going to start the process with another woman, but asked me if I would be happy to wait "as a reserve". They said that they hoped they hadn't insulted me - but I was perfectly happy with their decision.

    In the meantime, I accidently (yes - completely accidental) - fell pregnant with twins! omg! (DH had had a vasectomy!!!!!!). A very difficult time followed, as one miscarried, and the other hung on for a short time. This has opened my eyes to possibly having number 4.........*teary*.

    But - here is the punchline........we don't see our dear friends very often, as they live in an outback community - but they visit as often as they come into town. We didn't see them for 12 months (which was a little unusual - but not abnormal) - so they have no idea about what happened with us........(neither does anyone else).......and I am not as sure where we stand - me or them.

    I don't like asking them prying questions about their latest conception failures.....as it is hurtful for them when others constantly ask. So - what should I do? Should I ask how they were going with ED? Should I re-confirm that I would be happy to discuss ED with them if they wanted? I am confused.

    I am sorry that this has turned into a bit of a novel, but I thought that if anyone could advise me on the right path - this would be place.

    thanks

    AC

  12. #84

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    Hi Acbryett,

    Firstly, you are a brilliant person to offer to donate. This couple must be very lucky to have such good friends!

    My situation is a little different from you and your friends, as I'm using sperm donation from a known donor, rather than egg donation, so I am talking from this perspective. We only see our known donor every couple of months also.

    To answer your question, I suppose it depends on how close the relationship is with your friends. Even if I haven't seen a close friend for ages, I still talk about their highs and lows, including children they have lost through miscarriage. And I often talk about the rollercoaster ride of DC. I suppose I come from the philosophy that there is no point keeping secrets as they have a habit of being discovered anyway. And it only helps to strengthen the relationship.

    With your friends I would wait and see what happens during the visit. If you are comfortable, talk about your loss. See if they talk about their DC journey. If they do, confirm with them that you still are available if they need you.

    The only other consideration would be whether you are still in the grieving process for your lost twins. If you are, you may need more time to recover from your loss before making this generous offer.

    HTH

  13. #85

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    Hi A (that name is too hard for me to type)
    I was sad to read of your twins, how devastating for you. Particularly considering the miracle way in which they were conceived.
    Having been in TTC circles for quite a while now, I know that the worry you're feeling about upsetting your friends is completely normal. But, from being in the known DC world more recently, I also know that both EDs and IPs are often unsure whether to raise the subject with the other party.
    EDs may worry about prying or appearing that they're still available but the IP may have someone else or that they may cause more upset. IPs worry that if they raise the topic they'll appear desperate or pushy or may be placing the ED 'on the spot'. It can get very 'round and round the mulberry bush' IYKWIM!
    I think the fact that you've offered in the past means you must have a fairly close relationship - I'm sure asking them when they're visiting won't upset them. Not asking would probably hurt more. I find it's always best to start with "I'm really not sure how to ask/say this..." I'm pretty sure they'll be relieved that it's out in the open. Could you invite them to stay for dinner and overnight? Gives you more time to test the waters.
    For me, I know if I was in the position of your friends I'd feel honoured to know you shared what's happened to you.
    If you're still considering possibly being an ED for them, it is important for you to be completely sure that you will be able to handle the journey emotionally and physically. Apart from the very real chance that the drugs will make you either or you need to do some very careful thinking about the outcome. How will you feel if, fingers crossed, there is a successful outcome? While you will no doubt be over the moon for your friends, if you're still raw from the loss of your twins it may compound things. Counselling is compulsory for any DC journey but it would be best if you could have things clear in your head and heart before you launch yourself on to the ED road. No point getting everyone's hopes up if you have to withdraw the offer. Your emotional wellbeing is at stake here.
    Gawd, that sounds like a lecture - it really isn't
    I guess what I'm trying to say is, be honest with your friends. Ask them about their 'stuff' first. Tell them your 'stuff' - maybe leave out the part about how easy the conception was Then tell them you're working through your own grief but are still open to the idea of ED but need to be sure - for everyone concerned. Also tell them you're always there for support no matter what happens, I'm sure you've already done that anyway. They'll appreciate your honesty and be touched knowing that you'd donate if you could. Certainly, they'll be relieved the subject is 'out there'.
    Good luck!

  14. #86

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    Hi Guys,

    Thanks for thinking of me..
    I am actually going for a bloodtest and scan tomorrow to see when my FET will be. I know this week. Will keep you posted.
    Don't you hate it that you have to wait a month everytime before you can do anything. I just can't get that tick tick out of my head..
    Hope u are all well..

    Lulu

  15. #87

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    Hi everyone,

    Had a very productive day today. Heard from our known donor - will be meeting up with him in the next couple of weeks to discuss the nitty gritty subjects. Ken Daniel's book "Building a Family with the Assistance of DI" has arrived, so I'm going to start reading tonight. Finally I am meeting up with my FS on Monday.

    This is not infertility related, but I also saw my GP today as I have tonsilitis again! After years and years of suffering with bout after bout of tonsilitis he has recommended I see a surgeon and get them OUT! (Yeah!!)

    It's amazing how much difference a day makes. Yesterday I was feeling very lonely and miserable. Of course, could have been the AF and tonsilitis).

    Speaking of nitty gritty, I said to our donor I wanted to discuss the following:
    1) Counselling
    2) Legal issues: making sure you know where you stand (ie no legal rights as father, however some sort of relationship with our child so that he/she knows who you are).
    3) Disciplinary issues
    4) Access issues to him
    5) What happens if we move interstate or if you move
    6) What happens when you have a partner in the future
    7) What happens if we want a second child
    8) How will we feel if the child is disabled
    9) Issues with us as parents
    10) What happens if we pass away and you are still living?
    11) What happens if it doesn't work?
    12) How this will affect our friendship
    13) Family medical history
    14) Long term access to his family
    15) Education of the child

    Can anyone else think of anything else we need to talk about?? Suggestions welcome...

  16. #88

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    Hi Lulu
    Do you have a FET date?

    Hi Gargy
    Just thinking on the run here....
    One thing that came up in my joint counselling with my SD was when/how we thought we would tell any resulting child/ren of their conception. I had always said I'd be totally up front with everyone, right from the start. But I did an about-face when the counsellor put forth this scenario:
    What if your child and the child of another family member are playing together and they have a little tiff. Kids being kids, one child says something to your child along the lines of their father isn't their real father (or in my case 'your mum isn't your real mum') - or words to that effect. How would your child feel if you hadn't yet felt they were old enough to know how they came to be? So, I now believe that although my parents know the whole story, that the next person to know will be my child. From as soon as I believe they are able to comprehend it - there are a few age appropriate books explaining DC to children. After that, it will be up to my child who they tell. In no way I am ashamed at all about SD and ED - I just want to ensure that my child doesn't get any shocks!
    Hmmmmm other things...
    what would you do if you had a falling out with your SD?
    Would your SD know what to say to you both if it doesn't work, how to console you?
    Does he realize he has absolutely no say at all in how you raise your child?
    Most of the other things discussed at my SD counselling you've covered but will pop back in if I think of anything else.

  17. #89

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading along quietly for a while and have decided to join in!

    A quick fill in on our story, my DH has Azoospermia and I have had what seems like almost every problem known to women. Endometriosis, Ovarian cysts and Dysplasia (CIN 3). All within the space of 2 years, What a pair hey!!

    We have been TTC since January 2006 and fell pregnant in July with DI. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage at 8 1/2 weeks and haven't been lucky enough to get a since.

    There are only 3 people in our family that know what is going on. Which makes it really hard to talk to anyone about it cause there are always other people around.

    DH is well and truly against anyone else knowing. He doesn't mind me being on here seeing as it's anonymous but that is as far as it goes.

    We talked about using a known doner but Hubby hated the idea. He is fantastic about using an unknown though.

    His way of looking at it is that he/she will be a part of me so of course he will love them. Isnít that so cute!!

    Anyway I didnít mean to go on for ages just wanted to say hi and GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US

  18. #90

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    Hi All,

    Tomorrow (Friday) is FET day..2 embies going in..
    Think of me during my 2 weeks of hell...
    Hope you are all well..

    Lulu

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