Mums of Wannabe Mums

[Persephone1]

I have no doubt that this has been a previous thread somewhere, but I thought I might start a fresh one.

By far one of the most difficult things to deal with during our journey to become parents has been my mother. I have noticed that I'm not the only one out there that has found themselves when it comes to sharing the TTC journeys with their Mums, who cannot but help to offer those little gems of advice, information, expectations and 'support.'

I'm going to write down some of the choice things my Mum has told me, and I'd be happy for anyone else to join me:

My Mum thought that we would get pregnant on our first IVF cycle. When I told her that everything was unknown and that her expectations were putting a lot of pressure on me, she said that I would get pregnant if I would "just relax and think positively."

My Mum booked a 6-month overseas holiday with a return date in October 09, because she wanted to be back in Australia in time for 'The Baby' to be born. 'The Baby' would be that one that I was meant to have been pregnant with after our first IVF cycle back in January 09. And yet here I am, in July, and still no baby.

My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

My Mum bought DH and I a highchair for Christmas in 2008, one month before our IVF treatment. I'm not joking. She also gave us a second-hand baby sling which she dug out of the cupboard for 'The Baby.' She then went around and told my siblings that the IVF drugs must have been taking effect because I was so grumpy with her.

My Mum says that the FS should have predicted that I would suffer with OHSS, because she knew that I would...not sure at which point my Mum became psychic and better qualified than FS. AND If she knew I was going to suffer with OHSS, why did she wait to tell me until after I was suffering with it?

My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

My Mum says that cosleeping, breastfeeding, clothbummed babies are best...and what she means is that I must cosleep, breastfeed and clothbum 'The Baby' which as yet, does not exist.


Anyone else? Maybe it's other family members or friends who freak you out with outrageous behaviours and comments?

[Miss.B]

Oh hun, what a great thread! I had such a laugh when I read your post. My mum is not much different to yours, she often diagnoses me with things she just makes up and later blames them on why we're not getting pg. Don't you just love 'em?? Mothers...
I think sometimes they a) want the best for us but it just comes across pushy and over the top and b) they want to live their lives through us .

[Cupcake]

My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

HAD to chuckle at your response hehe.

My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

Oh dear...

Im not going through IVF or anything but have been TTC for over 12 months; no matter who says it i HATE when people say "just relax, it will happen when you relax"

My mum doesnt really know we are TTC but i got...

"You and DP need to have a baby, maybe then you will stop buying pets..."

i love my mum to bits but i was so shocked, i think she was only joking at how many pets we have, but if only she knew what she ACTUALLY said to me ...

[Krikkit]

Well..

MY Mum.. told me she told my step sister about "our" situation - she is in her late 30's and her hubby is heading into the 40's and they TTC for 12 months and the only reason they conceived is because my step sister used to lie on her back and pedal in the air after DTD. Never the less, I was told that is what I SHOULD do - it works. So the topic of converstation always led to my mother discussing mine and hubbys sexual habits.

MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

MY Mum told us we should get a sperm donor.

My Mum told us to get someone elses eggs if mine dont work properly

My Mum told me we should adopt instead.

My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

My Mum is clearly insane.

[Persephone1]

MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

My Mum did the same...and I wasn't even in a cycle, so there was nothing in there, not even an embryo. She patted my stomach.

And My Mum has also asked whether we should get a sperm donor. In front of DH. Nice.

My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

OMG, seriously, she's insane. But had me

[Muppity]

I am SO GLAD that it isn't just me.

[Persephone1]

Ooh, I keep thinking of more and more.

When I had my chemical pregnancy, I completely fell to pieces. I had to have counselling for early miscarriage, because I really hit rock-bottom. I told Mum that we would be taking a month off IVF because I needed the break. She was 'disappointed' because she thought it would be a better idea to 'build on the momentum' and go straight into another cycle. Not sure what momentum she was referring to - the momentum where I keep going until I fall into a crevass?

She also rang me one day to tell me that one of her workmates was pregnant with twins. She said she got very upset because DH and I had been trying for so long and it was...wait for it...her turn. Not my turn. Her turn.

I think My Mum needs to come with a translator - everything she says to me can be translated loosely into: "Please hurry up and get pregnant, I want to live through you and have another grandchild. At any cost. Regardless of what you think/feel."

[Nasey79]

Thanks for this girls....I thought that I was being selfish because I have stopped telling my Mum half of what we are going through because I couldn't stand how she reacted. I'm so pleased that it's not just me!

My Mum tells my husband every time she sees him that he needs to were looser underpants!

[MummaSue]

Oh Persephone, that made me giggle so much..... my mum is exactly the same.

My mum was upset when my little cousin fell pregnant because my aunt (who she doesn't get on with) got to be a granny first.

My mum, who fell pregnant with me at 15 told me (when referring to getting pregnant) that "it's easy, I mean, it worked for me" - I said "mother, everyone would fall pregnant at 15, we are most fertile then, we just aren't all that stupid". (as you can imagine, that didn't go down too well).

My mum, when hearing about our first IVF cycle said "well, you know you just need to relax, oh and also you need to put on some weight" (years ago I was very overweight and was always told that I was too fat and needed to lose weight).

I've told my mum that she isn't allowed to ask me anything about the IVF and that I will tell her if there is anything she needs to know. When I was chatting to her on skype the other day (I'm Scottish and live in Aus), she says to me "what's wrong with your skin? Are you having a bad reaction to the hormones?" - her way of trying to ask me stuff about the IVF.

*sigh*

DH's mother text him the other day and told him that we need to stop stressing, not bother with IVF and just drink lots of that "lovely Aussie wine". Because, yeah, THAT is how we get pregnant people, didn't you all know that?????????

Dear. God.

This has been a great thread guys, thanks for letting me get my two bobs worth!!
Hugs to all.
Sue xxx

[dusty]

Thanks for sharing everyone, if we didn't laugh at their nonsense (and odd ways of expressing love and support) we would probably be curled up in a ball rocking or bashing heads on walls.

My mum has been slightly distant about the whole thing but supportive at the same time.
However she did once say catching up after our m/c.

Mum: So how are you doing Dusty?
Dusty: Well I seem to be coping but get sad and sometimes....
Mum: [interupting] No, I mean how are you doing 'physically'.
Dusty: (WTF!).....

[Cupcake]

My Mum tells my husband every time she sees him that he needs to were looser underpants!

[Heaven]

wtf is wrong with mothers?????????????
I was TTC for a yr and every time i spoke to mum she would say 'so are you pregnant yet or what?' and then sigh when I said no.

After I had a m/c she told me 'Oh great, now I'm going to have to go back to asking you if you're pregnant all the time! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About a wk after I found out the baby had died and before I'd even actually had the m/c my mum is having a conversation with my Nan in front of DH and I about how she fell pregnant first time every time. Thanks!!

[Dr. Tal]

This thread is fantastic. My mum is over visiting and I was talking in my thread about her and someone Ammaki pointed me here. It's nice to know I'm not the only one getting frustrated with their mother. Mine doens't know we are TTC, but since she takes everything in my life personally (is still upset with ex's that broke up with me, and only just stopped asking me why I broke up with one of them because 'he was so perfect for me'...as in perfect for her not for me, I was suppose to forget about the fact that he cheated on me.
The SIL comes out with some real good ones too.

My Mum said that "I knitted both of your baby afghans in neutral colours. because it is taking you and DH so long to give me grand babies I needed to get them knitted before I die, so they know how much I loved them". I can't even get pregnant with one and she's already planning for two!

SIL said that "you two are selfish for not having had kids yet, and that you better stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the family and have kids. After all how hard can it be, I fell pregnant accidentily, three times, you'd think you two would at least be able to have one"

[JLeigh29]

My mum doesn't know we're ttc but I was going to tell her in the next few days. After reading your thread I might leave it awhile longer! And MIL would be EXACTLY like all your Mums so she will NEVER find out!

Great thread!

[Possums]

It is funny reading these stories. I am glad you can all manage to step back and laugh, otherwise I'm sure the comments would drive you mad.

I have to say I am very lucky though...my mum is a great support, very close and understanding. I am so glad I have her. She sometimes might say the wrong thing, but she always tries very hard to get it right, and usually does. I just feel sad she still doesnt have a grandchild, I know she feels it (I am an only child).

[Tiff+2]

Oh ladies some of these posts had me in stitchers!!! This is an awesome post, haven't seen one quite this amusing in a long time. I think we all think sometimes it is just us or just our family that are completely bonkers, but no, this goes to show all mothers have lost the plot!!!

Although I must say too that some of them were a bit nasty, but I'm sure they don't meant them to seem that way. My inlaws have foot in mouth disease that sometimes makes me want to remove the foot in the their mouth and use it to hit them over the head with!!!! hahahaha

I dont really have any instances off hand, but MIL does talk about when 'this baby' is due and how pg I will be when we go on holiday..... She started asking about this BEFORE we had started TTC... I think that may have been a little hint.
On and on my wedding day DH's grandmother comes up to me and says 'Now it's time to give us twin boys'..... WTF.... Nothing like a bit of pressure to add to your Wedding day!!! hahaha

Thank you once again ladies, awesome post!!!

[Persephone1]

SIL said that "you two are selfish for not having had kids yet, and that you better stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the family and have kids. After all how hard can it be, I fell pregnant accidentily, three times, you'd think you two would at least be able to have one"

Taleutia, that is terrible, I'm sorry you had to hear that. It would be so tempting to tell her where to stick it, but I think a lot of us bite our tongue because we don't want to tell them we're TTC.

I've had a few choice phrases from workmates as well. Last April three of my colleagues announced their pregnancies within 3 weeks of each other, and two people turned to me, in front of everyone, and made comments about "it'll be you next" and "you just need to sit in this chair and you'll be pregnant." Little did they know that I went home and cried that evening. Unfortunately the only way to get them to shut-up is to tell them that we're TTC and going through IVF, which usually silences them.

Sue, I have also tried banning my Mum from asking about IVF, so she says "so, how are you doing this month?" as if she's just interested in how I am generally.

[jellybean18]

Thanks for the posts ladies. It has been so reassuring that I'm not the only one with a mother and MIL that can be so insensitive to what we are going through.

Before I got pg with my daughter, My mother would talk endlessly about how she got pg so easily (she had 9 kids!!), and how fertile my sister was (who was pg at the time), and would go out of her way to make me feel like there was something wrong with me (like we didn't already know)! This all hurt, but I learnt to just walk away and ignore her.

When we did get pg, and told her (I left it until I was 18wks), she said that I would m/c she hoped the baby died!! Unfortunately I was not able to hide my reaction to this and fell apart. I did not speak to my mother for the remainder of my pregnancy. Our beautiful daughter was born in Nov 2005. It has taken a long time to rebuild my relationship with my mother, and I keep a distance from her emotionally. I have forgiven her, but cannot forget. She loves my daughter and they get on really well.

Now we are TTc #2 and I simply choose not to tell our family anything. If anything, I try to act as if we don't want another child..... it seems easier that way.

Thanks again for the posts
Jellybean18