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Thread: An angel named Alex

  1. #19
    kirsty Guest

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    Thx Tootie, am busy working myself into a terrible state before our app Wed next week with the OB. Am absolutely positive he is going to tell us that we won't be able to have another baby - don't worry I know how irrational I am being but I just can't help feeling that - DH of course tells me I am being a dill & that of course we'll be able to have another baby. He is being so positive about it all, but that is just his way. When things started to go wrong with Alexs' PG he was the one who kept saying that everything would be alright. He is being terrific but I find myself resenting him sometimes for the fact that he is able to move on much easier than I am, I know it is not his fault but I think that sometimes when I turn on him that is why. Sometimes I feel like he has forgotten about Alex already. I know he isn't big on showing his emotions - he never has been - but I end up feeling like he can't trust me to tell me how he is feeling & that hurts the most. The only way I get him to talk to me was to threaten to leave him for a few days to give him some time to think about what he wanted for our future. He then sat down with me & we talked & cried for over 3hours about how we felt. I just feel that after being together this long it shouldn't take such a drastic action to make conversation occur especially when it is about something like that. Anyway I better go before I end up getting into the swing of my rant & end up writing a novel & boring you to death.


  2. #20
    Melinda Guest

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    Don't worry Kirsty, you won't bore me to death! Talk away!

    I think when you've had such a terrible time it's only natural to assume that there is nothing positive that will ever come into your life again. You see the negatives in everything IYKWIM? I think that's why you might be expecting the worst at your OB appt? We're all guilty of doing this, and I can honestly tell you that I have too - many many times. You just get to a point where you think that there is no way your hopes and dreams will ever be realised and fully prepare yourself for the worst. It's also a way that we use to protect ourselves somehow from further hurt - or at least a way that we use to TRY to protect ourselves.

    No, it shouldn't take such drastic action to draw conversation from your DH, but then I think we all have this problem from time to time. I think guys just find some issues waaaay too confronting and difficult to talk about. This imparticular, since they can't possibly ever in a million years relate to the physical side of it, and that as a woman you feel that having children is like what you're "meant" to do IYKWIM?? It can be really frustrating when your DH seems to be in a different place emotionally too - I know I found myself getting really angry at my DH because he seemed 'alright' most of the time and didn't really raise the issue with me - whereas I felt all-consumed by it and felt like a total wreck 24/7. This is a highly testing time for you guys...it's a time when you are at your absolute lowest. Don't doubt your ability to get through this together, as frustrating as it is that they don't share their feelings as much. It's easy for me to say that, I know. But I want you to know that what you're experiencing now isn't uncommon or irrational - it's just the space you are in right now, and need to be in. In time I'm sure you will feel less angry with your DH - I know I did, but it's one of those things that takes time and hopefully by talking here it will also help.

  3. #21
    kirsty Guest

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    Am having a much better day today (even though I am still in a tizz about next Wed), my MIL has come & taken James away for a few hours so that they can have a play & I have decided that I am going to pamper myself for a few hours. (After I clean up the mess my darling boy made before he left) Am starting to cope better with the daily grind of life, but I still have my shockers too, guess we'll get there. Anyway I'll be off now as I can hear the bathtub calling my name.

  4. #22
    meg Guest

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    ah bath, we don't have one at the moment and am buying a new house so we will in a couple of weeks. I have starting doing a bit of a pamper too, went and had my eyelashes and brows tinted, something I hadn't done whilst preg as was worried about the dyes, fat lot of good it did! Think I will just live life normally next preg and be a bit more relaxed about the right things to do. IKWYM re good and bad days. I am having mostly good days, but still catches up with me now and again. Goodluck for Wed- will let you know how I go Tues. Hoping each day is getting easier and you are travelling well today. Enjoy lots of pampering- this is the time to focus on being kind to ourselves.

  5. #23
    kirsty Guest

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    Meg, am thinking of you today & hope you got some answers at your OB appt. Hope you are keeping well & enjoying the pampering! I loved every minute of my bath the other night & can't wait to find the time to have another one (have to persuade DH to have James for me). Am not looking forward to our OB appt. tomorrow, guess I am scared of what he will say, but am trying hard to only think positive thoughts.
    I see you have posted in TTC, you are so strong! I've thought about it but want to wait until after tomorrow to see what Dr has to say.
    Keep strong & catch you later

  6. #24
    meg Guest

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    well I'm not sure if it is good news or not, but I tested positive for antiphospholipid syndrome, basically a condition where there is an abnormal immune reaction which increases clotting and stops the right amount of blood flow getting to the baby. I hope this is the only prob as he wants to stop doing all other tests. We should be more successful next time as I will take aspirin to stop the clotting. I will have a much higher risk pregnancy though, so it is a bit scary. I think I am going to get a second opinion re management. I feel a bit p...... off that a simple blood test could have found the cause all along and maybe prevented this happening. I am not sure whether I am relieved to have found an answer or not.

    Anyway, enough of my prattling. I wish you all the luck and good fortune in the world for your appt tomorrow and hope you get some good answers. Take care of yourself and let me know how you go, in whatever forum you feel comfortable posting in. Sending you super cyberhugs, Meg

  7. #25
    Melinda Guest

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    Meg - I'm pretty sure that Melinda Kilby on the other forum has this syndrome and she has taken a low dose of asprin and is now nearly 12w with everything going well.

    IKWYM about being totally crapped off that a simple blood test could find something like this....it's something that really bothers me actually. It bothers me that OB's etc won't do these kind of routine tests until you've had 3 m/c. I mean, 1 is painful enough, let alone 3, and when you can find something like this that will most likely prevent it from happening again, it makes you pretty angry. Thankfully I was able to have all my tests done after 1 as I was such a wreck, but it seems that with some OB's, they just don't pay attention to that emotional factor. I'm really sorry that you have had to find out this way.

    I am glad that they have found an answer for you though Meg as it's something that is treatable and manageable with a low dose of asprin. I know it's frustrating to think that perhaps your losses could have been avoided, but at least there is something that can be done about the condition.

    Definitely seek a 2nd opinion if that's what you would like to do - and you are quite entitled to that, and I know that you have an appt with another OB in a couple of weeks time. I'm fairly certain however that you will be given the same information in terms of managing the condition, but it's good to hear it from another expert.

  8. #26

    Join Date
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    Hobart, Tasmania
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    Hey Meg,

    Just wanted to let you know that our OB recommended the low dose asprin for us for the same problem. I've got all my digits crossed that it will work for both of us... I've heard some pretty positive stories.

    At least now you have a reason, even if it was too late. I really hope that your next little one is made of superglue

  9. #27
    meg Guest

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    kirsty- wondering how things went for you today. Know that we are thinking of you and here to support you whichever way things went. Hoping you at least got some answers. Meg

  10. #28
    kirsty Guest

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    Our OB appt went alright when we eventually got in to see him (just as it was our turn he got called to assist with a delivery so we had a 1/2hr wait). He asked how I was doing & if I was coping ok, then he showed us the test results of Alexs' genetic tests which showed that he was a perfectly normal little boy. So that ruled out any problems with having another baby at some stage. He did say that it wasn't anything to do with my cervix which leads him to believe that I had an infection in my placenta, which may have been caused by a bleed that I had around wk8 of my PG. He thinks the clot may have sat there for a little while before I actually had the bleed & that allowed some sort of bug in & it slowly worked its way up to my placenta. So he was really positive about our chances of having another baby if we are up to trying & when we asked about a time limit he said we could start now if we wanted. Also said that my weight or BP didn't play a part in what happened either. We asked what we should do if we fall PG again as far as PG care goes & we are able to share care with our local GP (our OB is an hour away from where we live) & go to the OB for more specialist care. He has suggested that he would see us at about 12wks & do an u/s & some swabs of my cervix & vagina to make sure that there are no bugs present that shouldn't be. Then see us again at about 16wks to make sure everything looks ok. Also said that if we had another bleed early in PG to come straight over to Warrnambool Hospital & he would see us. So he has been really great & we can't praise him highly enough. Not that our Dr here in Portland didn't so all that he could but he is only a GP & we really feel we would like the slightly more informed care of an OB next time round. We'll probably still wait at least 6mths as I want to go to Weight Watchers & lose some weight first, mainly to get myself fitter & better prepared for what PG does to your body. So while the outlook is much better for the chance of us having another baby I still need some time to get my head around it all & to have the faith to try again. But we'll get there I'm sure.
    Have even bit the bullet & been in to see about going back to work & am going back in about a fortnight, so I guess that will be an experience.

    Meg - so glad to hear that you have got some answers & here's fingers crossed that when you decided to try again that all goes exceptionally well for you. Know what you mean about being upset that a blood test could have picked it up & you could have been treated for it before now, but be grateful that they have discovered it now & you can be looked after properly. Always seek a 2nd opinion if you are not sure, after all it is up to you & it is your choice. Sending you hugs & hope all is well.

  11. #29
    meg Guest

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    I am so pleased for you Kirsty that you have some answers, and that there is no reason you can't carry another child. It sounds like the extra montoring will also be really needed, just to check along the way and put your mind at ease.I too am feeling much better about things, so here's hoping that we will both have healthy babies some time in the future. Take care.
    Meg

  12. #30
    Melinda Guest

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    Hi Kirsty - thanks for letting us know how you went at your OB appt. It's good to hear that there is no reason why you won't be able to have more children. I know nothing can ever replace Alex, but at least you now have some answers and can try and plan for the future as best you can.

    Please keep us posted on how everything goes for you ok? It would be great to hear how you are progressing with the return to work and your plans for the future when you are up to it.

    All the very best of luck.

  13. #31
    kirsty Guest

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    Well today isn't such a great day as I've had a visitor come to stay for a little bit that I really don't want to deal with just yet. But I've got no choice as :af: came this morning & now I guess I'm feeling like s#@* because it kinda symbolises the fact that Alex really is gone & life is returning to some sort of normalcy. DH has got no idea as to why I am feeling so low & crying about it, he sees it as good because things are returning to how they should be & that means well for the future. I suppose it comes back to the fact that until bubs is born it isn't such a big deal for them as it is for us. He has cracked the s#@*s with me this morning because I wouldn't talk to him about how I was feeling, so he has gone out woodcutting rather than try to deal with me & my feelings. I know I have been a b#$&! to him at times, but that is only because often I feel like even after I've told him how I feel I am still left to deal with it by myself. So I guess I've gotten into the habit of not bothering to tell him coz it's not worth the hassle of saying it out loud to him & then dealing with it myself. By the same token he can be annoying too as after our OB visit I was trying to be positive & talk about the future & having another baby & when I'd ask him his feelings & thoughts about it all, he'd just keep saying "ultimately it's your choice coz it's your body". That is even more annoying coz it's not just my choice, he has to be ready to take this trip again, I certainly don't do it by myself & i certainly don't intend to do it by myself. But I guess we'll survive.
    Life really knows how to throw you curve balls, we had friends come around Friday nite to tell us the news that they are almost 11wks PG, it seems that anywhere we look there are friends that are PG & just PG women everywhere in general. But we'll cope, they treated me like I was going to break down when they told us, I am over the moon for them. What sort of friend would I be if I wasn't?

    Tootie- hope all is progressing well with your PG & you are keeping well.

    Meg- hope you are feeling positive about your news & keeping yourself well. Is DH home yet?

    Here's to healthy & happy PGs for all now & in the future

  14. #32
    meg Guest

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    AF certainly is a huge reminder, and I know if you are like me, you rational self will tell you it is good (I haven't seen AF yet), but who can be rational about these things when there is lots of emotions (and hormones) tied up in it all. I know my DH is a little bit the same in terms of what he wants to do, as in it is up to me. I think that sometimes the non commitment or not longing for something can be taken by me as that he is not intrested or doesn't that, but I think it is more that he really doesn't have a strong preference which is OK. I know that DH and I have been a little bit naughty this month and I don't that anything will happen (it is probably good if it doesn't! and my body will get a rest), but the fact that he actually was keen for something to happen I thought was good, so we have decided to leave it up to the universe to decide when we are ready.

    Have you told your DH that when you have tried to talk to him, you still feel like you are doing it alone, and that you need for him to talk more about how he feels, because he would feel something (even if he doens't want to admit it). Perhaps you should work out for yourself how he can support you specifically, is it in practical ways or in emotionally ways and ask him to give you those specifics. Sometimes, I think that guys just aren't sure what to do. I'm sure you will get through it and I'm sure when you embark on this journey again he will be there.

    I know about preg friends. I have a friend who is due 2 weeks before my second date and I have found it so hard. I have told her that and that I needed space and she was good with that. I think I am about in the right space now to call her and actually be happy for her, without being immensely jealous. I know that my journey is different from hers and that I will get there, and my prospects are looking better now (phew) even if it may still be a bit rocky. It is so hard though. You never realise how many reminders will be around until you are in that situation.

    Anyway, take care and hope tomorrow is better. You will have bad days still, so don't beat yourself up if you need to go and have a cry or feel angry or really sad, but you will make it.

  15. #33
    Melinda Guest

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    Aaaaah guys, what a strange species they are! I had the "it's your choice because it's your body" line several times too - I honestly think it was his way of being supportive when I look back at it, because I know he wanted to have a baby, but was struggling to accept how I felt (as well as his own feelings) and knowing how to cope with me was a different thing altogether.

    Whilst AF arriving can be a good thing in terms of physical healing, it is a painful reminder of your loss and where you should be right at this point in time IYKWIM. It's a hurdle that can be difficult to overcome, but you will. AF is far from nice at the best of times, but now it is probably at the hardest it will ever be for you. Each day that passes, is one less day of AF lingering around for you IYKWIM, so it won't be long until that side of things goes away. It can be hard when your body starts signalling that it's healing by the arrival of AF, when emotionally you don't feel that you have healed, or are anywhere near ready to move on too. It's like these 2 parts, the physical and the emotional are out of whack somehow and it can be a brutal blow to your emotional side.

    In terms of your friends telling you about the PG - it was nice that they came to see you personally to share their news because I think it demonstrates that they were genuinely concerned about you. I don't think they would have thought any less of you had it upset you because I'm sure that by visiting you with the news, they understand that you are having a very difficult time right now IYKWIM. So don't think you're any less of a friend for feeling a bit upset about it - they sound like the kind of friends who can probably deal with that and understand it. That said, I know it can be very hard as you want to demonstrate that you are ok, and that you're happy for them and can cope with the news.

    I hope you are having a much better day today.

  16. #34

    Join Date
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    Hobart, Tasmania
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    Hey Kirsty,

    I just wanted to see how you're doing today? I understand what it's like to have AF arrive when you shouldn't be seeing her for months. It really sucks. I cna't find any other words than those.

    I'm not good with the words of wisdom, or really much else, but I will let you know that my thoughts are with you and I'm sending hug vibes your way. Hope you feel a little better tomorrow.

    Meg, hope you're doing ok too

  17. #35
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Meg, Tootie & Zola
    Thanx heaps for the support you guys have been giving me, it really means a lot to be able to talk freely & openly without feeling you are being judged or saying the wrong thing.
    Am coping better with AF now & know that it was bound to happen just didn't want to think about it & all that it meant. As I said to DH it is just another thing that I feel is leaving me bahind a bit, but I guess we'll cope & actually getting is a good sign. I say this after all my ranting about it because the reason it took us 3yrs to conceive James was because AF & ovulation were all over the place (it was 5-8wks between sightings of AF) until I went to a naturopath who got my cycle worked out. After having James my cycle went back to a regular 28day one, & I guess in the back of my mind I'm worried it may go back to being weird again & taking us forever to conceive, so getting AF within the normal time after giving birth is a good thing.
    Spoke to DH the other nite about still feeling alone in dealing with some issues regarding the future & choices we have to make. He actually had a conversation about it so am guessing that that is a major breakthrough! Asked him when did he think he'd be ready to try again & he told me that if it was totally up to him, we'd be trying now. I have kinda a weird question to ask & please don't answer if you're not comfortable to do so! Here goes - DH said to me the other day that now he wants to have sex with me all the time & that maybe subconciously he is thinking that he just wants me to be PG again & that he appreciates me so much more now. Has anyone else's DH reacted this way after a m/c?
    I don't want to pry so as I said before don't answer if you are not comfortable.
    Am looking forward to going back to work & at the same time am dreading having to face all the customers who knew I was PG & all the questions that will come. Spoke to my supervisor today about going back to work & she was great. Told me we could take it one week at a time if that was what it took to get back into the swing of things & being comfortable there. So that is good to know. Also told me that she is looking forward to having me back, it's nice to hear.
    Enough of my rambling for now.
    Meg- hope all is going well for you & take care.
    Tootie- hope everything is progressing nicely for you with your PG & that you are taking lots of time to spoil yourself while you still have the time.
    Zola- know I haven't really spoken much to you, so please forgive me. Hope that all is well in your world & look forward to chatting with you more & getting to know you better.

  18. #36
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Kirsty,

    I'm really pleased to hear that you're feeling a little better about the AF issue, and that you were able to sit down with your DH and get a few things out in the open. It really makes you feel a lot better in being able to talk openly about this kind of thing, but getting to the point where you can do that isn't always an easy task!

    I think everyone's situation is different, and in terms of the way my DH reacted, it's similar and different all at the same time IYKWIM. When we discussed TTC again, he was willing to try immediately. It wasn't like your situation where he wanted to have sex all the time and appreciated me so much more though. That sounds bad doesn't it?! LOL It's not meant to sound that way! It was more that he really wanted us to have that baby and therefore wanted to keep on trying, and he wanted to try asap. I think he gained a new understanding of my feelings however. Well I'm not sure as 'understanding' is the right word to use, rather he became more aware of my feelings on being a Mum and how profoundly the losses had affected me IYKWIM. I know he said he couldn't possibly understand what it was like for me, but I think after all that we went through, and all the physical aspects of a m/c, he realised just how hard it was from both an emotional AND a physical POV, whereas he was dealing with the emotional aspect only, so I felt my burden was that much greater than his somehow. I think as a result, he gained a bit of an insight into how terrible a m/c can be just from a physical POV. I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever here, so forgive me if I'm totally rambling LOL.

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